I’ve lost and gained several times over the last 10 years. And each time I gain it back I’m angrier at myself. Well it’s coming back now, I’ve gained 12 pounds and it’s only a matter of time before it’s 20 then 30....
It feels different this time, the way it looks on my body. How horrible it’s making me feel physically. I’m sure it’s just because I’m getting older. And it doesn’t help that I struggle with massive anxiety and some depression. I’m a big time emotional eater. I keep promising myself I’ll do better every day then just don’t. To make matter even worse I’ve begun ritualizing the meals. Like I crave getting fast food in my lunch break so I can sit in my car, watch Netflix and eat it. Everything in line, even the way I arrange the food in my lap. And if I don’t do that my anxiety is worse and I feel unsettled. I don’t know how to stop this time. I used to be able to force myself into getting it together. But that approach isn’t working anymore. I’m scared

I'm sorry Melissa. I've done the waffling weight loss with anxiety and depression and I do understand.

I think what is in your favor is that you realize what you are doing. For example, I was cooking a huge pot of potatoes with butter and cheese and then eating the whole thing, knowing that I'd feel sedated and calm after that. It was really more like ill and comatose, but you get the picture.

Something you can try is to change your routine. You know you are going to crave that fast food and that Netflix so on a work day plan your meal ahead - greens and vegs and a lean piece of meat or vegs protein. Take that to work and instead of going out to your car, go to a table and slowly eat your meal there with no Netflix or book or anything that would distract you from your lunch. Then, because you will have some time left out of your lunch break, take a stroll.

I know you are anxious but if you can do this I think you can move towards breaking the chain.

Melissa I sure do relate to the yoyo syndrome and fear. Using food for comfort etc. Especially when anxiety and depression are in the picture. That's my default. It is such an increased struggle these days for me as well. So I get it. I am not sure what will work for you to change the routine, or ritual eating. Old Biddy did have some good ideas.

Sometimes I really have to think about how I can substitute things to make changes. eg what can I get that will satisfy me but has less calories. In my case I have decided for a while to spend a lot of money buying a bag a day of trader joe's teriyaki turkey. For me its worth the money for a while if I can break this current weight gain pattern. Its only 240 calories for a bag of it that takes a long time to chew. For now, that is helping me.

I wonder if being outside and doing some real breathing would help break the fast food etc ritual during your lunch break? IDK what food would be a good substitute. But maybe you can figure something out. I understand it will not be easy. Believe me, I know.

I will keep checking back for a while to see if you are posting more about it. Because I understand how challenging and yes, frightening or a threat it is. The fear of spinning out of control and not being able to regain that control. This time, as Old Biddy pointed out seems different. You care reaching out. Please keep fighting for this.

Finally, is there any possibility that you might relate to OA or WW or something? Personally, I do not. But if someone does, I think its great for support and structure.

My thought is Melissa might have some goals that are unreasonable to achieve.

I ask her for numbers...

Height, current weight

Goal weight

Methinks she likely isn't even overweight, more likely has a psychological issue where she thinks she's fat , when she isn't

That can be cured much like a truly morbidly obese person can lose 150 lbs or more, it just requires a different professional for assistance

Everybody I've ever known has some issues, I'm no exception !

Trump has issues with too much Tweeting

Others struggle with alcohol, opiods, other drugs,sex, PTSD, and thousands of other things !

I have been an emotional eater since I was 12. I have been able to control my weight except for the last couple of years. I have gained 65 pounds some to eating and some to medical issues.