Hello everyone. I'm new to this forum.
Growing up, I was always a skinny girl. I gained a small amount of weight in my early 20s but nothing out the ordinary. My size skyrocketed when I was a pothead because all I did was smoke weed, eat junk and sleep. It didn't help that I have been on three psychotropic medications which are also known for weight gain....especially the Seroquel. I managed to go from a size 16 to a size 12. When I was a size 16, several people made fun of my weight and I'll never forget those mortifying experiences.
I thought that I looked okay at a size 12 until someone recently asked if I was pregnant. I wept for days when that happened and now I can't get that question out of my head. I struggle with constipation which makes me stomach distended. I also have a hard time with severe water retention when I have PMS. I'm 5'4 and 190 but nothing is working in terms of weight loss and I know this is because of my medication. I speed walk 5K 4 times a week and I weight train. I also drink 4 quarts of water a day and consume mainly proteins and veggies. I also eat about 1800 calories a day or less.
My doctor refuses to take me off my meds because they help keep me stable. I'm bipolar. He says I should learn to accept my size but I can't do that. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being paranoid about what I wear and I'm tired of feeling inadequate around beautiful skinny women. Sometimes I find myself crying over my appearance. I hate myself. I don't believe my husband when he says that I'm beautiful because I feel like he has to say that. Against my husband's wishes, I am going to start taking a potent diet pill. He hates how jittery I get on diet pills but I am all out of options and patience. I don't care about side effects because they can't be any worse than hating my size. I need to lose 60 pounds but I would settle for 30 pounds.
I know this post sounds whiny but I needed to get out of my feelings out. Thank you for reading.