Living in a difficult situation
 

Hi, everyone! I'm not sure if this is completely appropriate for this sub-forum but since I have been suffering from depression and anxiety as another side effect, I wanted to just make a post and air some of my thoughts.

One of the big motivators I have for losing weight is to escape an abusive relationship I've been trapped in for several years. I've become so depressed and anxious from this situation that I just began packing on the pounds, and probably used eating as a way to forget about my troubles for a while. Anyway, I'm at the point where I don't have much clothing I can wear anymore, so I want to lose weight to the point of fitting into a lot of my old wardrobe (I estimate I'll need to be around 220 for that) so I can leave him finally.

We are engaged but never married and he is incredibly controlling, manipulative, and cruel, I've come to finally realize. One night, out of sheer desperation, I ended up calling a womens hotline after he went to bed, and after describing just a few of the things he does, the lady on the other end told me I was in a very bad situation and needed to leave as soon as possible. I've called a few more times since then, and after describing more of his behaviour it's clear there are a lot of problems.

Over time, he's pushed me out of any jobs I've had, mostly by either showing up at my workplace and causing an embarrassing scene, or by accusing me of cheating on him with my co-workers. I've been unemployed now for several months and used up all my small amount of savings with buying groceries and other household essentials, so now I'm essentially broke, and although he has access to my bank account, I dont have access to his. This is partly why I'm trying to lose weight before leaving, so I can just wear my old clothing instead of worrying about spending money to buy clothing. It's also good motivation... in any day that I feel too tired to exercise, I just tell myself it's saving my life in more ways than one. I keep looking forward to the day when I can leave and get a fresh start at life, and the lady on the crisis line assured me the nearby womens shelter would be able to help with getting my own place and possibly even help with getting me a new job, even though I'm coming with basically nothing.

Sorry if this was long-winded, I just wanted to get some of it off my chest. I feel like I have to push myself hard and do this so that I can be healthy, have energy to work and start a new career, and have the willpower and self-respect to finally leave him. For the first time in a long time, I feel like the future is very bright for me! :goodvibes

OP, I urge you to leave him now. Go to a woman's shelter. Open a new bank account he doesn't have access to. Transfer most the remaining money from your old account.

You need to do this without talking to him. One day when he's at work, just go. Let him come home to an empty house.

You think you have time, but maybe you don't. These men can escalate quickly.

Don't wait until you lose weight. Your weight loss success could be a trigger for more abuse.

Just go. Really. Call that hotline and let them tell you where to go.

Best wishes to you.

Go now. Women's shelters will help set you up with clothing. Take what you can carry and go.

Hi Pinkstarberry
When women are living in a situation like you are, they feel like they are powerless to leave and go to a shelter ( or any other place, for that matter). They feel like they just need to be in a better place before they can leave. But in my experience, this is a mis-perception. The way to get the power back is to leave, no matter how much the woman thinks she cannot do it. To take that leap of faith and go to the shelter. If I could help you get there I would, believe me. Because I know what it feels like to have power taken away. My circumstances were different from yours. But in order to save myself from losing even more power I had to get out any way I could. Even if I did not really have the power or self esteem to do it. Because only leaving would be the way to finally begin to put myself back together. I could not do that while there.

I hope you can find a way to take a leap of faith and go to that shelter. Do whatever it takes to not go back. You can save your self esteem, but honestly, the way abused women do that is first by leaving the controlling or abusive man. Then they can begin to reclaim their self esteem. I hope this makes some sense to you. And I hope you can take this leap of faith. :hug: Whatever you decide to do, please know that you will have people here who care.

This probably sounds very crazy, but I'm scared to leave. Since leaving my last job, I am not often around other people besides my spouse, as he never wants to do anything social. I'm feel a lot of anxiety about being around so many people I don't know, and I'm also worried I will be seen as a burden to the shelter because of my size. I'm not sure if they will even have clothing to fit me, and I'm very anxious that other women in the shelter would look down upon me for being so big. I know most of this is probably just in my head, but when I think about taking that first step I feel paralyzed by the fear and anxiety of the whole situation.

Yesterday I did begin to pack away some of my things that I know he won't notice. It felt very good taking steps toward feeling like I would be able to leave, although I realize that is a very small step.

I think there is a lot of shame too, I feel embarrassed to have ever gotten myself into this situation with him, and to not have realized it sooner, and to have let my weight go so far too. I think for a while I just gave up completely and could only think about one day at a time, not the long-term effects of being in a relationship like this, or being unhealthy and obese...

Thank you everyone for your support. I'll keep working toward getting out sooner than I first planned, and I'll try to do something everyday to work toward that. I've also been thinking about trying to find some type of nearby part-time job but it will be difficult to do in secret, since he comes home from work everyday for lunch, then he is home at 5 and stays home all night. I guess even if he did try to sabotage this job, I might have enough time there to make a little bit for savings. Sorry for rambling on! Thank you again for your support!!

You are not rambling on. :hug: not at all. The concerns you presented about leaving are the same as all people in your situation. There is the self blame, the shame, the feeling of being powerless to make a move. There is the feeling of fear/anxiety, a deep sense of worthlessness.... These all are the thoughts and feelings that abused women (people) have in common. This is because they have been told such awful things about themselves. How can a person NOT believe these things when they are told it often enough?

As for the weight, when I was living in an abusive situation my weight soared. I think that is understandable. For some, food becomes the only comfort, solace and friend. I bet the folks at the shelter well understand woman who have turned to emotional eating as their only refuge. Makes sense to me. Finally, I think the woman who go to the shelter are not going to judge. They are trying to just survive, if you know what I mean. But I can understand your concern. Because I know how I judge myself. And I know how I worry about others judging me. But at a certain point, I had to just take a leap and fight for my survival. Of course my circumstances were different.

Please stay safe. Do you think its safe to get a part time job? Leaving will take much courage. But just know that you will not be alone. The folks who work at the shelter are accustomed to people going there whose life has been shattered by abuse. Even when there has been no physical abuse. The emotional abuse is plenty shattering enough. Some say it leaves deeper wounds.

You can emerge from this with new found strength. Of course it will take time and healing. But folks who work at shelters know this all too well. I am not sure there is going to be a good time to go. I think its a matter off taking a deep breath and deciding to risk it. But I am concerned about you getting a part time job while living with your abuser. Because I want you to not set off any alarms with him. Perhaps you could call the shelter and tell them your concerns that you posted above.

I do not want to push you into anything. But i do not want you to wait until more harm has been done and you are forced to get out fast. Either way, I will read your words and answer. I do not turn my back on people in your situation. Simply because I care. I looked online for additional support, if you would be interested. I do not know how good this place is. But it is called fort refuge. And its an online community. It might be good. Or maybe not. Anyway, you are posting here. And that's good.

Take care :hug: Stay safe as possible, please

I understand the move to a shelter is difficult, perhaps staying with family would make for an easier transition. If you don't have family support, the support of a shelter is the best place for you. It will be hard, but in six months, you will be happy you did it. Please consider setting a date (i.e. June 20) and doing it.

(Not to scare you, but please clear your Internet history if your boyfriend has access to your computer.)

OP, please don't change anything while you are still there. He could easily notice.

I know it is hard to imagine, but once you leave, you will experience support and non-judgment in ways you've never imagined.

All the negative thoughts running through your mind aren't real. They are his voice. The voice of an abuser whose only goal is complete control.

His voice isn't yours or ours or anyone else's. It is his alone. His warped world that is his alone.

You are brave and strong. Most importantly, you have survived. Weight gain is a small price to pay for survival that leads to freedom.

((Hugs))

Get out now! Go to the women's shelter and let them help you. Worry about the clothing later. Change your bank account so he doesn't have access. Get that changed immediately. Get some help[ and counseling. The weight loss will follow. Best Wishes

Hi! I agree with everyone, you need to get out as quickly as you can. And also, do remember to clear your history or browse using the incognito feature.

I think you should open a new bank account now and start slowly adding money to it. You shouldn't feel any shame for not seeing your relationship turn into this. Sometimes its just too hard to see form the inside. Sadly, I have seen friends end up in very controlling relationships with bad guys. At first they seemed fine but then things started to snowball and being an outside I seen their controlling nature and of course voicing that to them just made me look crazy but eventually both got out of those relationships and you can too.

Are you able to get a partime job maybe in the afternoon once he is back at work? If you have a shelter near by maybe you should just go. No one there will look down on you. Think of the all of the other women who will be there and will probably have similar experiences.

Wishing you the best!!!

Your thread caught my eye because I feel the same way about my boyfriend. I wish I could offer better words of encouragement like everyone else has. Please know that you are NOT alone and that you can get out of this situation. I share your frustration and will be following this thread with interest.

Stay safe :hug:

McMurphy, Please stay safe. :hug:

Praying
 

Hi, I will be praying for you. I know it's hard to believe, but trust us, you don't have to lose weight before leaving him. It might actually be easier to do it after you leave him and regain control of your life. Please please please be safe.

This is one of those things that no one talks about when it comes to being overweight. A person can become so trapped and paralyzed that in many ways they become a permanent victim for an abuser.

You should stop thinking about your wardrobe. Women's centers and clothes banks get together to help victims of abuse find work and get their lives together. Don't wait to lose weight! The clothing will appear.

And definitely get another bank account.

I'm sorry I haven't posted since my initial post on this topic, truth be told I felt embarrassed to be posting about this, even if it is nearly anonymous online.

I just wanted to post a small update that I finally reached out to a social worker at my local womens shelter and met with her last week for the first time. She said she will help me apply for subsidized housing and a small amount of gov't "emergency money" to cover moving expenses and a few pieces of furniture. I should be able to move in about one month. I have the option of staying in the womens shelter until then, but I don't want to leave my things behind because last time I stayed at the shelter I came back and he had destroyed some of my belongings. I think it's best to ride it out a little longer and be able to move everything to my new place.

I'm feeling a mix of emotions right now, from relief to worry to sadness to anxiety to panic. I'm 31 years old and will be starting over with next to nothing, though the lady from the shelter ensures that I will be OK in the end. It's at least a relief to be moving forward with my life and feeling like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, finally. I've lost 50 lbs since May and can almost fit into my clothing; should be able to wear some of my larger clothing in a month or so, when I hopefully have a new place to live.

Thanks everyone for the support and encouragement, and I'm looking forward to a brighter future for myself.