Hi! I love your user name!
But I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time right now. I struggle with some disordered eating as well. It has taken me forever to get my binging under control. The simplest thing I can suggest for now is to focus on *health* not weight loss. The weight loss will come but it doesn't feel as crazy when focused on health... I have managed to do this a few times in the past. I focus on getting enough good things in - protein, fiber, good fats, vitamin-rich veggies. In this mode I often calorie-count as a means of record-keeping so I can see where all the calories are coming from (talk about a way to make you not want to drink!). I use FitDay so I can set the outputs on nutritional levels and that is really motivating to eat things that hit all the nutritional requirements. Sometimes if I am feeling especially crazy I don't technically ban anything, I just ask myself "is this something good for my body?" I mostly have to steer clear of alcohol when I am trying to lose weight as it makes me want to eat everything in sight.
Personally I had to cut the carbs down to not feel ravenous all the time! I watched a couple of Netflix films (Fed Up and some others) and somehow that was the kick in the pants I needed to stop my insatiable gorging on white bread, chips, milk chocolate, straight-up sugar... ugh. It was so hard but I feel completely different without that constant gnawing urge to eat refined carbs.
I find it useful involved in some kind of scheduled fitness, like Couch to 5K or a sequential weight-lifting program (I like New Rules of Fitness for Women). This gives some kind of focus on tangible, achievable goals rather than "losing X amount of pounds by Y date," which always, always derails me as my weight loss is often slow to nonexistent. I need to do that again myself. I don't do well with winging it!
What got me out of my many months-long rut recently was - don't laugh - a book I found at at garage sale called 8 Minutes in the Morning by Jorge Cruz. It's a bit silly and I definitely don't follow his diet or think that that little time is going to make a huge difference... but the idea of scheduled time in the morning and some really basic exercises/stretches to start out, with some brief journaling time (I use it to plan my meals and exercise) and some motivational thoughts for each day has just worked wonders for me. I am on Day 19
About being embarrassed about people you haven't seen since you gained weight, I hear you on that! The only thing I think about for that is that I try to think how I feel about my old friends who gained weight.... I wouldn't think less of them. But yes it is hard to get that out of your head for yourself. What would be ideal is if you could find someone else struggling or at least health-conscious who you could join for walks or gym time or meeting for healthy meals...
Where is your husband in all of this? Is he someone who eats everything he wants and never has to worry about gain, or doesn't care about his weight? Loves junk food and keeps it around tempting you? Maybe you can work with him to devise a fitter home environment and plan active outings more...
Do you have a therapist you could speak with? Or a life coach? I have had great success with both in the past, sadly no money for that now but if it is an option for you it might be something to try.
Anyway not trying to preach at you, I just related to what you said and thought about what has helped me in the past. I hope you find some kind of solutions that work for you. It sucks to be stuck. Take care of yourself.
Internet hugs to you -
