Also, consider this an introduction, I guess! I never posted much before, and I remade an account. This message is gonna be a downer! I don't know if it will be taken down or not, but I just really want to hear someone's take on this. This is a long post and I don't think anyone is going to read this.

Just to preface, I am going through a very bad period of psychological things. Depression, suicidal ideation, self harm every day at this point, relatively severe dissociation, hallucinations, eating disorder symptoms in the past, etc. Everything is very bad right now! And why not unblock a few traumatic experiences while you're at it, who knows.

Anyways, on the 30th of March, I finally told my doctor about all of this. I was put on zoloft and scheduled for therapy, and some blood tests were done.

I got my results back the next day, and my TSH was .0006 (not a typo), when the healthy amount is .4. I am aware this is an obsolete test, but that is still an extremely shocking result. It explains some things with weakness, I guess. There's something wrong with my body. We don't know exactly what yet.

The very next day, and second time I took Zoloft, I was staying at my sisters for a day. I confessed everything that was wrong with me, and for the first time, had a normal conversation about it without laughing or sobbing.

We went to a Publix to pick up some groceries. Where I almost died. How intense, huh?

I was fine one second, then everything got really dark. I can't describe it well. It was like changing lenses to make the black static on the edge of my vision get more and more and more, until there's nothing. I felt really tired but thought I was faking it.

I was in fact, not faking it. I spent an hour on the ground, roughly. I had a pretty severe seizure and fainted for a while too. I fell on the back of my head with nothing to catch me. I've never had anything like this happen before and it was very traumatic. I am having lucid dreams every night where I can feel it happen each time.

It had been two days since I had eaten, and they found that my blood sugar was really low. Really, really low. I might not have woken up. The most awkward thing I've ever had happen to me, was being pulled over to the benches in the pharmaceutical section of a publix away from home, looking at how pale my sister was because it's gotta be pretty weird to see someone almost die, and eating a tub of vanilla frosting with a spoon, from the store, to get enough strength to be able to stand up and be put into a wheelchair to put me into my sisters car so I could go home. What a situation, huh?

It took a week until I could sit up. It's been 15 days since the event happened. I got back from the hospital yesterday to do an E.E.G to check and see if there's anything wrong with my brainwaves after it happened. No results back yet. Even without a seizure, from research, there is a 74% chance of having an abnormal brainwave pattern with me being how I am now.

After getting back from the hospital, I was so tired. I was shaking so hard all over, so, so exhausted. I must have walked half a mile the entire day. The strain on my body is apparently a lot. When I sit up for more than 3 hours, my whole body shakes. I get really cold. My skin is blotchy purple/black on my hands and feet. My pulse in my neck starts to pound. It's hard to breathe and all I can do is get my blood sugar back up and lie down. I get a wave of dizziness and it starts to go dark. It makes me afraid that it's going to happen again.

The thing is, I can't worry about losing weight anymore. I'm eating 800 calories a day now without any exercise, instead of 300 and then burning off 200. It's possible I'm dying. But I feel like all of this, everything is just faked for attention or for an excuse not to lose weight. I used to walk 15 miles a day with a 30 lb backpack on when I was 15. I had a lot of mental issues underneath everything back then, but didn't really know about it. It got to the point where I'd walk that much just so I could feel pain and because I hated myself so intensely for being fat.

Now I can't even sit up without worrying that I'm going to be dead. I'm 18 years old. I can't do anything but lay in bed and experience unpleasant psychological symptoms/ activities. And I have to eat now. I have not been able to leave my house since I was around 10 years old except for school because of not having transportation, and never learned to drive. Now, I am unable to learn to drive because of my health and other psychological symptoms I mentioned. I'm going in and out of doctor's offices and hospitals now all the time it seems like. I have no choice but to go outside, even though I'm fat. People have to see me now. I don't have a choice.

I don't know what to do. I feel like me not trying to not be fat anymore is making other people suffer because they have to look at me. Even to a stranger I pass, they have to see me, and that's not fair to them. This is getting strange sounding I think.

Is it okay that I have to eat now? Is it okay to be a failure? Is it okay not to try? Is it okay for me to be alive? Should I have died? I don't know! This is just attention-baiting, and all of this is made up, but I don't know. It's awkward to say, but I can talk really freely about other problems I'm having mentally, but I don't have an outlet to talk about being a bloated, fat, good for nothing, weak, failure.

What's your take on this? It's all for attention and fake, but I just want to know what you think.


**EDIT this is definitely not the right section for this but... oh well!

I moved your thread to the depression and weight issues forum. I am glad that you are seeking medical advice because that is really the best place for you. Please continue to follow your doctor's orders.

Aa thank you! I'm sorry for the mixup, I realized right as I posted it, I used this site a few years back but am bad with layouts still it seems

Hi c w

I read through. Maybe you're posting to get attention, but maybe you're not. I suggest you see a therapist. That will grant you real attention AND professional help.
You are young, stand up and wrestle your share of happiness out of life's hands. You may need a little bit of help to do that, and There are people trained just for that.

Good luck and wishing you the very best

Only you can know if you are being fake....are you? Did someone else tell you that you are faking it, and you believe them? I have struggled with depression for 10 years. YOU HAVE TO FIGHT EVERYDAY TO GET BETTER. Take your meds and eat. Get out and walk. Walking is so good for your mood. In my opinion, this is not the best time for you to be focused on your weight. You need to put your energy into your mental health. I am glad you are going to therapy. I hope you keep with it. Trust yourself.

Hi there is alot to address here,i am sure that what you wrote has been read by many members here, but are hesitant to try to offer input because of so many complex and serious issues..all I can do it let you know that you are awesome and deserve alot of joy in life.

I kind of forgot I made this post this morning! Bad 5 A.M. ideas it looks like!

It's pretty embarrassing but thank you for your responses! They aren't the ones I was expecting and secretly hoping for, but deep down I know you guys are right and that I really don't have a choice right now. I have to wait to get better before I do anything, or else I'll never be able to do anything again! That is pretty morbid but I mean, you guys read what happened. It isn't really within the realms of what I can do right now, it just really... really, sucks!


When I went to the doctor on the 30th (because I confessed to my mother everything that was going on with me, in kind of a strange way), I just handed him a note with the symptoms I'd been having on it because I knew I couldn't get words out for it. I can't remember if I said all of it, but at a minimum, he wants me to do 12 sessions of therapy. Hopefully it will help, but I'm dreading it so much. When I kept everything a secret for so long, I used to imagine fake conversations to cope with it and plan how I'd handle it when everything eventually came to light, and now, constantly, I keep doing it. I can't even control the other person talking, so I'm guessing I traumatized myself pretty bad with all of it. I always drift in and out of conversations with doctors, my mom, my sister, etc all in my head. I don't even notice when it starts anymore, the first thing I realize is "I'm talking to someone. They are talking back to me, and I am not controlling their responses anymore." It is a little terrifying, but hey, it happens I guess! Keeping things a secret and emotionally constricting yourself that bad just really messes with your head, I didn't dissociate or have hallucinations or anything until I finally did tell the truth. Too much stress I guess!

I did get my E.E.G. back this morning though. They said that there wasn't any seizure activity or epilepsy there, so that's good to hear.

I don't know when the therapy itself starts, stuff is still kind of up in the air right now, but if I can just get diagnostics for this stuff, it will really help. I am very insecure about this stuff and have done loads of research on it, hypocritically I've always been really interested in psychology and want to become one as soon as I'm better... yet I am still in denial that something is maybe not alright with me.

I am so embarrassed about this topic however I am so sorry I said anything

Well, I read through, and all that sounds scary!
I think it's okay. You say your current weight right now is 136? Down from 214? That's fantastic! I think 136 is a healthy weight. It might not be what you were shooting for, but you lost enough weight to make a child! Be proud and happy over that It's okay that you can't lose more. It's okay that you need to eat now. Just stay healthy!

My BMI is healthy now, but on the outside, I am still really fat. It feels like everything is going to go to waste now, and that I did all of this (arguably) torturous stuff to myself for YEARS even as a child, and it by itself was traumatizing for me actually, it feels like it's all for nothing. I have no idea what it's like not to count calories. I don't have any memories when I wasn't preoccupied with them!

It sounds funny probably but on the bottom of that note, I was begging my doctor not to prescribe any antipsychotics or anything because it'd make me gain weight, it's all just a big mess at this point!

Of course I'm still going to count them and still won't dare go above 800, but still. It's a really sudden change in lifestyle and it's really hard to adapt to.

I was hoping to get a lot of hate messages about being spineless for inspiration because I honestly used to do that when I couldn't make myself bleed anymore when I was too tired to walk!

I am really shocked that you guys don't hate me for this, it feels really really weird to get that kind of response. It kind of feels bad for people to go against this weird delusional line of thinking I have and that you guys are just lying to make me feel better about it, but maybe I'll keep talking here sometimes? It's really hard for me to verbalize anything because I never really talked, maybe I could start to here? I'm a really hateful person honestly and positivity flat out pisses me off sometimes but, maybe this forum will help me quit being so spiteful.

You can absolutely use this forum as a place to feel free to write about what you want..but you might not get the reactions you want. For myself, and my depressive symptoms, I HAVE to force a good positive attitude on myself or I spiral down. So right there, we are pretty different. So what I offer is probably definitely not what you are looking for..but basically anyone at 3FC is kind and just wishes the best for anyone who is hurting.

I soak in negativity and it is all I want! It feels really weird to see something that goes against it, I just like to stagnate in horrible feelings! Sorry if I come across as rude for it sometimes.

I'm not ready to maintain a positive attitude or not feel anything other than this yet, but I mean, maybe it'll change with therapy and letting myself talk and stuff now.

I really hope you are not trying to piss people off on here. We use this place to stay positive, and to help each other. You will get help here, but if you expect abuse and negativity, you probably won't find it here.
Change is hard, trust me, I know. We all do.

It isn't my intention to make people uncomfortable or upset. I apologize if I have.

Just keep coming back, we can help each other! You will get so much inspiration here. This is a safe place

You write very expressively and do a good job of conveying what you feel Maybe start a thread expressively inviting others to the thought of 'do you feel like this?' and perhaps get some like-minded people to converse with you .