My problem is, I don't feel it. I never feel good enough, smart enough, I'm imperfect. I wish more than anything I had the self esteem and confidence I need. I've tried a million things, therapy, million self help books, nothing works. I want confidence more than I want to be beautiful or thin. I thought losing weight and being thinner would bring me the confidence I lacked. I felt I would be happier and more outgoing because the thin and pretty people always seem to be smiling, laughing, surrounded by friends. I don't have that. I'm socially awkward, no matter how hard I try.

I woke up a little late, I can't go back and document memories with my kids. I live with the regret that I hated myself, my appearance, and I let it over ride the love I have for my kids. I always thought I would do anything for my kids, anything in the world. But, what I really learned and noticed was I would do anything for them but share myself with them by preserving pictures of how I looked, times in their lives. My kids don't look at a pic of their mother and say Mom, you were so fat, your hair looks weird, things like that..they look at a pic of me no matter how horrible and smile seeing a mom that loves them and remembering events.

I have learned that the only way this board can help me is if I am totally honest about my weight issue, why I over eat, how I feel about myself. I use this board as a tool to get to the real root of what makes me react. I haven't always liked what I have shared, or discovered about myself, but it helps me. There is no other way but to be honest, raw, and open, if I sugar coat things, say everything is alright, well that's a lie.

I have learned from other people that I am not alone in feeling this. I also only really learned how much I had truly excluded myself from preserved memories..I have promised myself, now that realizing it, I will ask someone to take a pic of me with my family instead of documenting that smiling family without me.

I am fairly new here, like you. But the more I open up, and I am brutally honest with myself and the details, the better things are. I can share things here that I would never tell a person in real life. There is no judgement. If it helps someone not to make the same mistakes as I have, then that's wonderful and worth opening up. I am 40 years old and have spent my entire life suffering from no self esteem or self worth, disliking myself. It isn't a way to live.

This thread made me cry so much because I've spent the last ten years or so of my life withdrawing from everything and everyone because I thought I was fat and gross... I missed the highschool experience because I was too self conscious, I've delayed/skipped college all together because I basically became a hermit. I'm working on it, yeah, but even though I'm young I seriously have no idea how to get back out there. I alienated myself from all of my friends, don't really know how to make new ones.. I talk to people at work, but they're more causal acquaintances. I don't really have time to join a club or something, like ninety percent of the time the only people I interact with outside of work is my immediate family, and my online friends. I've been thinking about how I've never really had a relationship and I'd LOVE to find a boyfriend, but I literally have absolutely no idea how to go about it even if I could find someone.. like I just cringe thinking about how awkward I am because of my lack of experience. Plus when I meet new people, like at work, and they ask me about my plans later/the weekend/whatever, it's SO uncomfortable because I never have any... they're just making conversation but seriously at my age I should be hanging out with people! I don't even drive though so that is a huge hindrance.

And even as I type all this and think about how I really want to 'have a life', I'm STILL thinking 'when I get skinny' in the back of my mind, and I really wish I wasn't.

I've been on a major roller coaster ride with my weight for the past 4 years, I lost it, gained it and then some, lost some, gained, etc. I refused to go out, wear shorts, take trips, etc, saying I will do this when i am skinny. I refuse to be in pictures, even though i know it was vain of me. My self esteem went in the hole. But now, I am determined, to get healthy, not only to look better but to feel better! I started a program a few weeks ago at 206, and today am 190, it's not been easy!!!! But so worth it! I'm not quite ready to put the dancing carrot on to celebrate, but will definitely use him when i'm at goal of 150-155! The fact that we're on here, looking for support and trying, is HUGE. We can do this. Those that simply block it out, pretend it's not happening, and continue on with their unhealthy ways, will continue to gain weight. WE can do this!

Lanabug, I urge you to break out and start doing some of these things. You sound so much like me, couldn't sit in desks, hide on the sidelines, pitied myself and what my life had become. I have no friends, you could have described me. Just coworkers I speak to at work occassionally, no friendships. When asked what I'm gonna do for the weekend or over vacation I always say we haven't decided yet.

I have my kids, and my husband. I didn't know how to find a relationship either. I was so very large and alone after going thru a divorce, felt like who would want me? Emotionally, I hit rocks bottom but had my kids. I never looked for a realtionship, it found me. I tried to run from it to scared to open myself up and show how awkward, scared, ugly I was. School, I think would be great. I was isolated at home, alone and over weight, going to work eventually gave me some confidence. School could be great for you, really find yourself, what interests you, and interact with people. Build confidence. Consider it, think about what draws your soul, makes you feel alive and happy. To be honest, I still haven't found that one thing that makes me feel that. I just go to work and do my job.

I am blessed with a new husband who doesn't make me feel terrible about how I look, but I'm not building self esteem any time soon.

Mainecyn, I, too, am blessed with an awesome husband. He tells me how beautiful I am everyday. However, the truth, to me, is that I may be beautiful on the inside, I don't feel like it on the outside. I don't want to go out on dates with him, I don't want to go to the mall, basically, all i want to do is come home from work, and go to sleep. I know this is depression, and I am getting better. With weight loss, at least for me, also comes a feeling of "there is light at the end of the tunnel". It is so hard to watch others eat sweet rolls, chocolate, mashed potatos and gravy, etc, but I know, that Rome wasn't built in a day, and I will get there. My Hawaii trip, is just around the corner, and I even contemplated cancelling it because of my weight!! WE have a free hotel stay for 8 days, and we'll probably not get this chance again. I didn't cancell it, instead I am using it as my incentive to get this weight off of me! I won't be at my goal by then, but I also won't be over 200 pounds. I will be able to wear shorts. I'm going to do it! I figure with the current plan I'm on (HCG pellets) I average .5 to 1 lb per day. I will be probably right around 170 if I don't cheat! That's a start! Will I go out in a bikini? Probably not! Will I wear shorts? Yes! I am on a mission

I feel this way too. I turn red and get embarrassed when he gives me too many compliments. Lots of times I pushed the compliments aside or always argued with him and he asked me why I can never just take a compliment that i am the most stubborn when it comes to this and that having a compliment thrown back at him is hurtful.

I am so self concious when we go anywhere and feel that everyone is staring even when he assures me that they are not. If I tell him I feel uncomfortable, seriously uncomfortable and that I feel eyes on me he always says don't you ever think they look at how pretty you are? I have tried to explain to my dh that he loves me, that's why he sees me as pretty. Its the love that came first and that is why he sees me this way. He argues and says that he was attracted to me first and then loved me. It a no win situation. He could tell me every day all day that I am desirable and beautiful and I wont believe it.

when he proposed I was shocked, scared, but also ashamed because instead of thinking about how happy we were and how much I loved him I kept thinking how am I going to find a dress, that made me look decent. i was so embarrassed at the thought of anyone seeing me, I was 230 lbs.I was on a mission to drop weight and be at lest physically better before the wedding. Being married, having people look at me, feeling fat instead of pretty, those were my worries.

[QUOTEMy Hawaii trip, is just around the corner, and I even contemplated cancelling it because of my weight!! ][/QUOTE]

While never having been on a trip like that I have backed out of so many things like this due to my weight. My husband would love to go somewhere with a beach, a trip like that, I cringe and beg off saying I'd hate it. Truth is I would feel so ashamed, hate the way I look and not be able to relax. I don't wear shorts, I never ever wear a swim suit. Romantically, I wear t-shirts which my husband claims he finds sexy but I never wear anything else because I am too sickened by what I would look like and that you can't hide anything.

You deserve this trip, its wonderful. Have fun, take pride in yourself. The depression is difficult. I have taken Welburtin for 7 years now for the same thing. At times I think it works but then like now all I do is work, errands, then home. I may not go right to bed but I don't want to do anything else. I also feel there is some social anxiety mixed in there with me, ok I know that there is that's an understatement. I am happy hiding at home with just him, if I do anything outside of the house besides appointments, groceries etc, it is with him. I don't go anywhere else. If we see a movie I panic standing in line thinking look at all these people, I know that they are thinking in their heads look at him, look at her.

Yes. I remember feeling that way when I weighed 120 pounds. And 135. And then at 145. Then at 160. Then 178. Then 190. Again at 218. Then 235.

Those are all the weights, in order, that I reached where I thought I was so fat that I just wanted to crumple up in a ball and die. At each of those weights I thought I was too fat. Too fat for makeup. Too fat for clothes that fit. Too fat to get my hair cut. Too fat to leave the house.

And now I'm reversing the trend. And you know what? I feel and look awesome at every weight. I took charge of my life and I have confidence now. Most of the people I talk to everyday think I'm great and they have no idea I just lost 50 pounds. I feel wonderful so others agree. As my weight was going up I felt miserable and it showed in my face and my posture. As it is going down I feel incredible at those same weights.

I wish I could tell you how it happened. I was so depressed, so ashamed, so angry for many many years, and all it did is cause my weight to climb. And when I started dieting the confidence didn't come right away ... I think it was around 20 pounds down? Suddenly my knees and ankles stopped hurting all the time. I could shop in more stores. I could tell I was taking control, and suddenly I felt like a million bucks.

Now I'm on the way back down and as I hit each of those milestones that were so agonizing on the way up I have to laugh at what a fool I was. I was fine, all along I was absolutely fine. Even at my top weight, I was never the monster my brain made me out to be, it was all in my head.

I wish I knew how to make it happen, I wish I could wave a magic wand and break all the funhouse mirrors that are telling you that you aren't gorgeous. I look at the posts here and my heart breaks. I want each of you to know how beautiful you are, not just on the inside, but on the outside.