I Don't Know How To Deal
 

I have dealt with depression since I was 10, which I know is really young. My brother was diagnosed with depression around the same time I was. Later, we found out that the majority of my mothers family was diagnosed at some point or another. Which was really stressful for me, because the doctor kept telling me it wasn't genetic. Since then, we've learned that it can actually be genetic, which makes me really nervous for any kids I might someday have, and I really do want kids, but then there's that horrifying worry that what about PPD? What if I kill my kids? I can't deal with that.

Anyway. I have been off medication and just going to therapy for 3 years. I started gaining weight about a year and a half ago, at which point I gained 45lbs within a very short number of months.
I've always obsessed about my weight. Even when I was little, I would see my mom and my sister (who both gained weight quickly in their late teens/early adulthood) and they would be fretting about the way they looked.

I've started being able to lose weight. I started at 165, and I'm already down to 155 since the start of June.

For awhile, I was losing weight in a good healthy way. I was counting calories and working out. But for the past week, every time I try to eat, I start feeling really sick. I can't eat anything, whether healthy or unhealthy.
My therapist just keeps saying it's a natural reaction to the stress I'm feeling about going back to university in the fall, but I don't think that's it. In the past, I've always started binge eating when I was nervous or anxious.
Now, even thinking of food makes me feel disgusted.

I've lost 3 lbs this week alone, and I don't know how to deal. I know it's not healthy to not be eating, but I can't figure out how to make myself eat more.

-Thistle

Hi Thistle. I don't have much time at the moment, so I'm sorry this won't be a very long reply for now. I'm sorry to hear you've struggled with depression for so long. I'm 22 and have also dealt with depression and anxiety issues (diagnosed at age 15) that really impact the way I think about and deal with food.

I know it's not an answer, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I think one of the worst things we can do is to convince ourselves that no one else struggles with food or weight or body image the way that we do. It's not true. If you can, try to sit down and clear your mind. Pick one food that will be easy on your stomach (bread, an egg, banana, etc.) or that you have loved to eat in the past. Set a small goal first. "I'm going to eat this piece of toast. I will eat this whole piece of toast before I do anything else."

You are right that it's not healthy to be not eating. But try not to get overwhelmed with the thought that you're not capable of "dealing" the right way. You are. Take baby steps and let us know how you're doing.