Hello all,

I have been battling with depression since my mid-twenties and it has been worst since my best friend was murdered five years ago.

I used to be someone who works hard to great results, who is surrounded by friends and has an active love/sex life but these last years I have isolated myself terribly. I often do not return phone calls, my house is usually so messy that I'd rather not have friends over and I am terribly inactive.

I distract myself with a lot of TV series. I do not cry or face my problems. When I see my reflection in a window or mirror, I am stunned by how unhappy I look. I used to smile all the time, a pretty smile. Now, it is gone when I am by myself.

My sleep pattern is awful too. I often fall asleep around 5 AM. I started a diet this week but I have been so tired that I could not exercise with the intensity and duration that I wanted. I also wanted to tidy the house and I have done little in that regard.

I am writing this post in an effort of transparency and accountability. My goal this week is to do better sleep wise, even though I may need Ativan to do it at first. I also want to make headway in my house before I leave for my parents'.

Hopefully good eating and exercise will be part of that too!

I've been there (minus the TV part... never been a TV watcher). I hope this is a better week for you!

I think that having a friend murdered might mean that you may need to see someone about PTSD, grief, or many other side effects. I recently had a friend die (not murder) and I was more depressed than ever, unmotivated, messy, and my idea of life was laying on the couch looking at youtube videos on my laptop. Just taking a shower was too much to ask.

Thanks for your kind words, iriswhispers and giselley.

I agree with you, giselley. I plan on starting therapy in August when I return from my vacations. The trial was last year from October to the sentence in May - which was awfully leniant (one year). What I have heard in the trial really haunted me and now would be a good time to deal with it and rebuild my social circle.

I just followed a YouTube spinning class on my stationary bike for thirty minutes. Hopefully, I am breaking the cycle and being more engaged again.

I am looking forward getting to know you two.

Matisse-I feel the same way. Its almost like you said exactly what I am going through. I throw myself into TV shows like that is my reality. I never return calls and I have to come up with excuses why I dont all of the time. I feel like I'm in a horrible cycle. I am starting on Medifast tomorrow. I also have horrible sleep problems as well. I am also looking for an accountability partner and would love to team up with you? I need someone that I can be "real" with because I dont really have that right now. And Ive isolated myself away from all of my friends. Thanks!
Brooklyn

A good night sleep will heal most of your problem. Relax, play, talk with your friends and family members and take rest. After your sound sleep you will feel better and rejuvenated.

Thank you, BrooklynM and michael.

Things are looking up although it's not spectacular. I am more rested. I have made decent progress with my weight loss. I have exercised. I have cooked which is really good sign. I guess that I am a monomaniac because much of my headspace has been occupied with weight loss since I wrote this.

The house is a little bit better, but it's nowhere near clean, nor tidy. Onwards!

BrooklynM - Sorry for not responding sooner. I use the New Post feature and somehow I never saw that you had responded. I am going on a short trip until Friday, but we will find a way to partner. I am all for it. There are so many things I hide from my family and friends. I need to show it, warts and all.


Funny that our starting weight is the same, isn't it?

hi

like you i am struggling with lack of motivation to do things and my house is a mess, i've isolated myself and don't call people although i am in touch online and via text.

i have some great friends who have also gone through depression and they are very understanding which is great as they don't pressure but do stay around.

i have had a good day today and done some housework, the kitchen and dining room are they best they have looked for ages and that in itself makes me feel better.

my lounge isn't great and my bedroom is shocking but i will get there, just little by little.

i think realistically i've been depressed most of my life but finally came to a crisis point about 2 1/2 years ago and i'm still trying to get out of it.

i do understand how you are feeling but someone said to me recently that you set yourself a small goal each day, even if that is washing the dishes or going for a short walk and then you have achieved success, focus on that

my sleep pattern is awful and i actually managed to get some reasonable sleep the last two nights and the difference that makes is unreal - no idea what triggered that though

i do hope you manage to work through this, sounds like counselling is a good idea for you, i had a few sessions earlier this year and it worked well, although i didn't go through the level of trauma that you have suffered - can't believe they only got a year!

take care