I read this and had to reach out. :hug: I have gone through periods in life where I could have written this post myself (minus the kids). It is so hard and frustrating. It's taken me several days to decide to post this because I wasn't sure you are in a place where hearing this would be helpful. I am writing this because I struggled (still do) with many of the same issues. These are just some things I did that really made a huge difference in my life and actually helped lift me out of depression. First though, I just want to say if you are feeling suicidal, please go to the ER. Don't wait to make an appointment with your therapist. I have a friend who is severely depressed. She tried to commit suicide and her husband took her to the ER. They saved her life. She said they were so kind and caring, they really took good care of her. Please talk to your husband and let him know how serious this is. If you are cutting in front of him and talking about killing yourself, he needs to make you go to the ER, or call an ambulance if you won't go.

First of all, I am not saying that you are a bad person or that the issues rest entirely with you. The truth is we can only improve ourselves. We can't make anyone else change. You sound like a wonderful caring mom and wife.:) I also went through that same issue with trying to talk to my husband about feelings, problems, etc in bed. I also got extremely angry and hurt when he fell asleep, thinking that meant that he didn't care. Then one day someone told me that if you go around assuming the worst of other people's intentions, feelings, and motives you are really being unkind and judgmental and it is just setting you up for unhappy relationships. So from then on I tried to see things from my husband's perspective. He is laying in a warm comfortable bed after working all day. He's exhausted. It's only inevitable that he will fall asleep. I realized that if the tables were reversed and I fell asleep while he was talking about his day, problems, and feelings, it would not be because I don't care. It would be because I was tired and couldn't help it! So from that point forward I decided not to bring problems into bed. Bed is for sleep and being intimate. It should be a positive only zone. This not only greatly improved our marriage, but I also sleep better! There is a time and a place for everything. Grocery shopping may not be the best time to talk to your family about something you feel is important. We set up a time where we can talk about our problems and feelings. Just a few minutes a few times a week. Maybe you and your husband can do this. Just realize, if you are talking to him about things you are concerned about, you need to be willing to listen to him. If you don't, you shut off a line of communication and make him feel alone and alienated, just like you do when you feel he doesn't listen to you. It needs to be an interchange, not a one sided conversation. I am not saying you do this, but it is something to be watching out for. When we are depressed we have a tendency to focus on ourselves. If we do this, no one will want to be around us. Don't focus on how you always make dinner for your family and they never thank you for it. Focus on the fact that you are creating nutritious meals for your loved ones. See it as a sacrifice of love. Try to see meaning in the things you do. And think about how often you thank your husband for working hard all day. Or for the times he does listen to you. How often do you thank your kids when they do something for you. If you do this, I bet you will hear it more often. It is so true that you catch more bees with honey. I know there were times when I wouldn't have listened to myself if the roles were reversed. Oh and if you get upset if your husband doesn't defend you to your kids, you have to let him know that it hurts your feelings. He isn't a mind-reader. Also beware of the way you speak to him. Don't just say “You never listen to me!” Say something along the lines of “My feelings really got hurt when you … because I felt ...” Don't focus on his action, focus on how it made you feel. He will be much less likely to feel attacked and defensive. When I work hard to apply these things to my marriage it runs smoothly and happily. When I don't, communication breaks down and we have more fights.

Now, I mentioned I don't have kids, but I just want to say I was doing my own laundry by grade 4 or 5. I was also cooking simple meals. If I wanted clean clothes, I had to wash them myself. My parents weren't going to do it for me. My mom worked nights and my dad worked days. My dad left for work about an hour before we got up (I was the youngest, my bro was like 12, plus we lived in the country and the next door neighbor who had a kid just a year younger than me watched out for us) and my mom was asleep when we got home. We had to feed, bathe and clothe ourselves and get out the door in time to catch the school bus. We also had to make dinner for the whole family nearly every night. If we didn't do our homework, we got a bad grade. Our parents didn't stand over our shoulder making us do it. I am not saying this is an ideal situation, my point simply is, if your kids are teenagers they can and need to start doing more for themselves. They are old enough to do their own laundry, help with dinner, even make a meal by themselves once or twice per week. Teach them how to shop for and cook nutritious meals, how to take care of themselves. You will have a lot more time to do things you enjoy/take care of yourself and they will be learning how to survive on their own, which helps them feel accomplished now, and will help them to succeed later in life. If you do this make sure you talk to your husband beforehand and get his support, ask him to back you up when/if they complain about it.

And I agree with the person who said getting a job, preferably service related, or volunteering is wonderful. It gives you such a sense of accomplishment, you feel better about yourself, and you have a period of time where you are focused on helping others, instead of focusing on your own problems. A gratitude journal is also great if you like to journal. You write three things you are thankful for each evening. It can be anything. “My hair looked good today” “The birds sang beautifully.” “My kids are healthy.” It really helps change your mindset from looking for things that are going wrong in your life, to seeing how wonderfully blessed you really are.:)

a whole lot of wisdom and experience, seashell. my turning point was similar - the only person i could do anything about was ME, and while on the one hand i had to protect myself from my bizarre, crazy family [who all think that they're normal functioning human beings], on the other hand, i had to open myself up to the good in the world. and more important, i had to stop being so hard on myself!

i started asking myself a couple of REALLY HARD Qs:

1. what would i say to a friend who brought these issues to me? would i be encouraging or would i lecture her/him? would i listen or judge? and so on - with the goal of treating myself the way i would treat a friend. and I realized that i would NEVER treat a friend as badly as i treated myself [quite the eye opener!]

2. and because i felt i had no voice, i would ask myself WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? and i would do NOTHING unless it was a conscious choice to do something that i WANTED to do. Do i want to go to a movie? stay home and read? take a nap? talk to someone? it didn't matter - as long as i made a conscious, POSITIVE choice instead of spinning my wheels with a lot of mental gymnastics that were getting me nowhere and definitely NOT contributing to my happiness or well being.

did this happen overnight? oh heck no - but every time i made a positive step, i reminded myself of it -

Hey, how are you? Check in and let us know :) :hug:

Reading through all your posts, I have to say that I hope that you do honestly tell your new therapist about everything. This includes the 'family' therapy.

I don't think the female therapist is in the right, just from what I read.

I know it is scary, and I have been there with the therapist, and spilling the beans on my life. It is not easy and sometimes coming clean one session at a time really helps!!!

I don't think he will lock you away and throw away the key if you are honest, and truthful about your feelings, and about your everyday life. Also, remember, he cannot get a good idea of what is going on if you're not open. Also, I think a MAJOR issue that needs to be addressed, and didn't seem to be addressed by the female family therapist is that you feel invisible. Feeling that way is not good.

I spent many years thinking, 'Who would even know or care that I died? Bet no one would realize I was dead for a day or two.' I was wrong though. I realized some people saw me, and made me realize I am important to the every day scheme of life.

Please, keep updating everyone and keep going. If I missed this, I am sorry, but write journal entries every single day. If you start having really negative feelings, write them down, and write what triggered them. Teenagers can be heartless, soul sucking beings because they 'know it all' and are being rebellious. Given, not all are like that, but watching my own sister. I know it to be true. Plus, I was no saint, but I loved my mom and stopped her from fading from the world...

Hang in there. :hug: Things will get better.

OMG OP you are me! I feel ya.

I hope this finds you feeling a little better about your situation. Don't apologise for your post because you've done absolutely nothing wrong. If we were meant to shoulder burdens on our own, we wouldn't have ears or mouths in order to share with others what is bringing us down.

I haven't read all of the advice you have been given, but, from my experience on this forum so far, I know it will be great advice. Unfortunately, I can't entirely relate to what you are going through except for the case of feeling ignored. I used to feel ignored all the time (I still do sometimes) and I know it's tough feeling alone. I wonder, though, if it stems from you doing too much for your family instead of sharing the burdens of housework and personal responsibility. I understand that it's a maternal instinct to know what people are doing all the time (because I always like to know), but it's their responsibility to get there AND to help around the house.

Anyway, I don't want to upset you and make myself out to be a bad person. I only want you to feel happier about life and come out the other end feeling the total opposite you are now! The suggestion to see a therapist sooner rather than later is good advice. I would like to throw in as well that taking a vacation, on your own, for a week or two would be a great idea for you. No cell phone, no kids, no husband. Just you at a resort or somewhere that requires a long flight, to get away and sort out your own head. This should leave your family appreciating you more too! I'm sure they are all capable of looking after themselves while you are gone, even if they don't think they can survive without you! :lol:

:hug: <<HUGS>> make yourself happy.... Therapy, vacation, whatever it takes... You need to look after yourself... First and foremost!

I am sorry it is so tough for you. I have to share what has helped me. I have started meditation and over time it does help.

I am not in any way being mean when I say this but are you a push over? It sounds as if you allow this to continue. I'm sorry but you need to put an end to this.... start with the hubby!!

Teenagers are wacky to begin with so you need the hub on your side and you need his support. I would recommend counseling for the both of you.

Have you ever considered leaving?

LOL almost everyday.

Sorry I haven't checked in for so long, just trying to avoid stressful places for a while. This is such a garbled mess of a post, good luck to you all, lol.

I have been to therapy twice now, I get the feeling I am too much for him already, sigh. Just the way he looked at me as I was just rattling off some of what I have been through in my life made me think he was almost scared of me, lol. It isn't funny and I really hope it is just me thinking that way and it isn't really the truth. Even if he is scared of me he will just have to deal with it, because I haven't even gotten started yet.
He has given me some paperwork to read and to have hubby read and I can definitely identify myself in a lot of it so far, but a 45 minute session every other week isn't very long. He said he would really like to be able to see me at least once a week but that there just isn't enough time, I know there are so many other people needing help so I will make it be ok. I told him some things I was worried about him locking me up and tossing the key and it was ok, he said whatever I said was fine and unless I was a danger he wouldn't do anything but try to help me.
I see another person for medication stuff at the clinic where I go to therapy but I can't see her until the last week of October, sigh, so I will just have to muddle through until then, hopefully they can get me worked in before that though.
Hubby read the papers and actually learned some things! He said he didn't understand why I did some of what I do but after reading he gets it a little better and can see why I react the way I do. He was sad because he thought I was mostly over my childhood/young adult traumas and didn't realize I have just been swallowing the pain and anger until it erupts at the slightest thing. He has been trying harder it seems since reading them to help me more so I hope that continues. My therapist guy wants hubby to come with me next time, and hubby said absolutely, he will do whatever it takes to get me help! My hubby doesn't miss work for anything, ever. So for him to agree to take a day off, not half a day but a whole day, so he can go to therapist with me and then spend the rest of the day with me is, I don't even know the word I am looking for. I told him to let me explain it later if therapist says something that upsets him and he said he couldn't promise not to get upset or hurt but he did promise to talk with me about it and try to understand my pov.
After my last doctors appointment I texted hubby and asked him to skip out on work and spend time with me, he actually said be right there and left work. My husband never misses work, he goes to work in 2 foot of snow, sick as a dog, no matter what he is there so for him to blow off work for me was really special. It made me feel like I was important to him and I told him so.
I got put on a pain patch since the pills make me so sick, they are such a relief, I had forgotten how it felt to not be in agony all the time, they don't take it all away but it is a vast improvement. I got some medicine for restless leg and Oh My God I have actually gotten some sleep. Not a lot but for me, it is amazing.
Someone asked if I might be a pushover. I don't think I am a pushover so much as it has been pounded into me that my feelings don't matter, my comfort doesn't matter, my thoughts, words, ideas don't matter etc. That is really hard to change when it is has been ingrained in you from as far back as you remember. I also (according to therapist) have reeaaaalllly disordered thinking and so he thinks we can get that worked out as well.
I have a few diagnoses so far and sadly I am pretty sure there are more to come, but I guess the main thing is I am moving forward toward some sort of remedy. Although according to him it will only take a few visits to have me better, I don't think it will be that quick for as much crap as I have inside me.
Anyway, I am still scared of therapy but I am determined to make the most of it for as long as I can go.

That's great news! And, hey, if getting more diagnoses will help you sleep at night and feel better about yourself, then I say 'bring it on'. You have a support network who are making sure that you come out the other end feeling better than you ever have. Once the therapist starts unlocking the troubles inside of you, you will be able to identify some on your own and do things to help yourself.

You'll be fine :D

I just ran across this thread, and I am sorry that you are having so much stress in your life. It sounds to me like you are a very good wife and mother, cleaning, cooking, taking care of everyone's needs. It also sounds as though they are taking it all for granted and not giving you the respect you deserve. Teens all seem to go through that, but they should not be allowed to make the comments to you that they make. It's as though they know their father agrees with them and won't stop them. That's not right. Parents need to show a united front to keep the kids in line and discuss their own issues privately.

I also don't like the fact the the family therapist criticized you openly in front of your family. That just reinforced their feeling about you, that yes, it's all your fault.

You are a good, contributing member of the family. You need to realize that in spite of what they think. You should be proud of what you are accomplishing. Look at your ticker. You have lost 62 lbs! That's amazing! Your kids are old enough to start taking responsibility for themselves, giving you more time for yourself, doing things to lift your self esteem. One thing I think you should do is change your membername. You are NOT a tubolard. I could not even address this post to you because I could not type that in as a greeting. I had a membername connected to my goal, and since I was not reaching my goal, it depressed me every time I signed in. They allowed me to change it.

My SIL was having similar problems. Her family was treating her like they lived in a hotel. She left and went to live with her sister for a few weeks. At first it was "Yahoo! Mom's gone!" After a few days, when there were no clean clothes or towels, no dinner on the table, they all started to fight among themselves. They had taken her for granted for so long, and they really appreciated her more when she returned. I'm not suggesting that you do that, but I think you need to pull yourself up and see the good, worthy person that you are. Don't listen to them when they say this is your fault. It's not. I hope that the private therapy will help you to realize that. You don't need to change your ways, you need to change the way you respond to their abuse.

Good luck to you.