[mymagicnumber]

I was sitting here today, thinking about how no one talks to me, returns my texts, cares what I have to say (no, really, 90% of the time people just talk over me in conversation), no one really gives a damn about anything. I try to be more interesting. I try to talk faster so I can get my piece in without being talked over; I try to make my voice sound more feminine. ****, I even just STOP talking and let everyone else talk. No one cares what I have to say about anything, ever. You can see it in their face. And then I realised part of the reason they don't care is I never HAVE anything worth listening to to say. I'm depressed, I'm a recluse, so that lame story I told you about a bird outside that made me smile WAS my highlight of the day. I tend to have nothing of worth to say, just random happenings from my day that made it a little less terrible.

When I was in school, I was "friends" with a girl who was really mean to people, in a sarcastic way. Everyone LOVED her. I don't know why. I was sarcastic, too; but I was constantly told how "that's really mean" or "I can't believe you said that," well why not? If SHE said it, you wouldn't bat an eye. Why am I any different? What's wrong with me? What makes ME so horrible? You were all thinking whatever I said, I just had the guts to say it. Now, if Wonder Girl had said it, it would be fine. But now I'm just going to stop talking, since no one likes what I have to say. Oh, and now I'm a ***** because I don't talk to anyone.

Why do I bother?

When I get like this all I can think about is punishing myself, one way or another. I won't go into details but this is when I generally tell myself I'm just not going to eat anymore. I always cave, but I'm tired of this cycle. I don't want to lose my boyfriend when he finds out how batshit insane I am. He's the first person I've ever loved, and he makes me feel loved. So I feel incredibly selfish for even thinking these things. I need to put forth a real effort to lose weight instead of constantly berating myself, comparing myself to others, and concentrating on how shitty people treat me. I just don't know how.

[Kaitie9399]

*hugs* Maybe you can talk out your problems with a counselor. It's always nice to talk to someone who can relate.

Please don't punish yourself. Go out for a nice walk, clear your head.

[Skellig19]

I've definitely been there and just know for that specific problem where no one listens to you and they all talk over you...that has nothing to do with you. It took me years to figure this out and sometimes I struggle and forget and feel effing horrible too. It's about THEM. They think what they have to say must be said, no matter who gets talked over. ****, I do it sometimes myself!

I struggle with the idea of punishing myself too and have had similar thought cycles. I get it. It is so hard to break out of that. If you have access to a counsellor, go see one! They are there for you to talk to and will help give you tools you can use when you start thinking this way.

If you haven't already, talk to your GP. Tell them you're struggling with depression. They will often refer you to a counsellor (this has been my experience). They may prescribe something but whether or not you agree with anti-depressants is completely in your hands.

I've heard tapping your pulse points really helps when you feel the urge to punish yourself. Like the above poster suggested, go for a walk, take deep breaths.

Also, please don't stop talking about those random snippets of your day. Those are beautiful moments. You need to get better friends in your life that appreciate you sharing those. Heck, last week I went into explicite detail with my husband about a bird that was singing the most glorious tune that put me into a trance. I seriously stared at this bird for a good 10 minutes...the entire time my dog was pooping and wondering around and then decided to jump on me to let me know that we needed to move on now. Those are genuinely awesome moments and my husband totally got it.

[tubolard]

I swear I could have written your post. This is a really great place to be. You can vent, whine, cry, laugh, be angry and it seems there is always someone who has been there or is there now to help you get through it. I agree you need to talk to your doctor and get some help with the depression, just know that if the first medicine you try doesn't help there are a lot more to try!! If he doesn't listen to you, find one that will. I self injure too and it isn't any good doing that to yourself. It feels good at the moment, but it doesn't solve the issue. I am not meaning to sound preachy if it seems that way. I just so know how you feel and what you seem to be feeling and it makes me hurt thinking anyone can feel the same way I feel. I don't like to think anyone else can hurt like that.

[shcirerf]

I admit, I am way out of place in this thread, but, seriously punishing yourself will serve no purpose.

You can punish yourself all you want, the thing is, no one else is going to know, so what good is that?

A couple of tips, quit trying to sound feminine. While there is nothing wrong with being feminine/female, some times ya gotta stand up and growl/yell! Sit at what would be the head of the table, if you have something to say, STAND UP! Stand on the table if you have to, but take control of the situation!

At one time in my life, I was the head of a safety committee at work, I was a lowly production floor worker, but yet I was head of this group. We had a corporate knot head, who thought, as a new hire, he was going to come in and take over. Thankfully, at the time I had a great college professor that I was taking a supervisory management class from. So I asked my professor to help me regain control of the safety team.

The things he told me were, take the head of the table, stand up, be vocal, be loud, stand on the chair, if that does not work, stand on the table! He said, what ever happens always be in a position that puts you height wise above everyone around you!

It does work, it does take practice, and dang, the first time or two I did it, I thought I was probably going to get fired or drop over dead from fear!

I'm still here! And stronger and better than ever! You can do "it" whatever "it" is!