I'm in a rut (long rant)
 

I feel like I might explode. I just need to rant a little. Some of it might not make much sense (unless anyone has followed some of my blog), but I just want someone unbiased to hear me, and maybe provide some advice.

I'm going to be 26 in January. This November marks my 7th year being married to my husband. I can't drive. He can't drive, either. My parents were supposed to teach me, but my dad is busy all the time, and my mom doesn't want to. She has fibromalgia and is very impatient. She's trying to quit smoking now too, so I just stopped asking her. If I "bug" her too much she'll start smoking again and it'll be my fault.

My husband and I live in walking distance from my parents. If I need to go to town, I have to walk to their house before she leaves, even if I've told her the day before (except on rare occasions) that I need to go with her. She'll either figure I don't need to go, because I didn't get over there fast enough, or she would rather go by herself, because she hates going anywhere, and I guess I keep her in town longer than she wishes. I think another reason she doesn't want to teach me is because she thinks I will steal her Independence. She used to do all the housework, yardwork, and tending to the pets before her pain set in. She can still manage with housework, but she complains constantly, yet doesn't want help when offered. She doesn't understand that I don't want her independence; I want my own.

I have become so bored these past few years that hardly anything makes me feel happy anymore ... let alone excited. I kind of feel like a very old person awaiting death. I only go out for grocery shopping and church. Here lately, I've skipped going to church, because I feel a huge bitterness toward anyone that seems happy. Then I feel guilty for not going to church afterward. Go figure.

I will go over to my parent's house a lot. We eat there when we run out of food, and are waiting for our food stamps to come in. My mom really only likes to go on Fridays, so even if we get them earlier in the week, we still have to wait until Friday to buy food. My 12 year old brother gets on my last nerve. All the time. It's gotten were I can't even tolerate being near him. I have some really bad sound sensitives (undiagnosed misophonia), and even the sound of his voice invokes rage. He makes deliberately loud noises just to annoy me. He doesn't respect my husband, and is constantly treating him like he's his same age, or younger. He gets away with everything and has way more privileges than I ever did. I was raised on spankings and got yelled at constantly for doing small things. He does worse and hasn't been spanked in over a year. He's barely even yelled at too. Meals revolve around whether or not he will eat them. He has free rein over the entire house, it seems. When I was little, my dad was the one in charge, but now it seems like my brother is the king of the house.

But, because I depend on my parents for every, single thing, I can't let my annoyances out. If I make them mad (if I even argue with my brother!) my mom might not want to take my trash off, or take me to town or to church. It frustrates me to no end! She will usually get over it before it comes to that, but not before making me feel super guilty over it.

Also, another thing that grates my nerves is that my mom tends to overlook things I say. We're not exactly compatible, but it doesn't mean she has to tune me out when I tell her something. I can tell her something, and she gets this glazed look on her face, and just says something like, "Oh. Mmhmm. That's good. Yeah." and then starts talking about something that has absolutely nothing to do with what I just said. It drives me up the wall!

I also have no friends. I have acquaintances on facebook (people who occasionally like or comment on my statuses), but nobody who would actually visit me or hang out with me. I don't blame them. I'm a very negative, boring person. I even annoy my husband with my constant complaining about how boring my life is. I have never been good at bottling emotions. I also cry almost every day. I either cry or get really, really angry and explode at him. I know I shouldn't, but he's the only safe person I can vent at. I just get so uncomfortably angry, that I can't think straight and just want to hurt myself. I don't know what to do when I get that angry.

We're extremely poor, so therapy is definitely out of the question. So is getting put on antidepressants (or antpsychotics). I can't even afford painkillers for a neck injury I sustained as a teen that left me permanently stiff.

Sometimes I just really, really hate life. I know there are worse out there than me, and that makes me feel even worse about myself. While other people can make the best of worse situations, here I am super pathetic, wallowing in my own misery instead of doing anything about it. It also doesn't help that I suck at everything I try to do. I wanted to try couponing to save us money, sucked at it. I wanted to try gardening to grow my own food, what a surprise! Sucked at that too. lol. You get the picture. I'm not even very good at writing, even though I claim to be an aspiring author.

I almost completely stopped exercising. The only thing that really makes me happy is eating junk food. I look forward to it like I'm going out to a theater, or something. I've been binging on Halloween candy I bought on clearance since Friday. I guess it's better than cutting myself. Or it might be close to the same. lol.

I'm almost constantly in a dreary state. I only ever feel happy if I'm anticipating something (food included, although I'm more talking about something out of the ordinary), but most of the time when the thing of anticipation comes, I'm left feeling empty and indifferent. A sort of "Great, what do I have to look forward to now?" kind of feeling. I also feel happy if I've taken painkillers for my neck or had a lot of sugar or caffeine. That happiness wears off with the effects, of course.

Since I'm almost always in a dreary state, I'm also terribly lazy and sometimes have bad hygiene. My house is usually in a state of despair, but it would be, either way, since it's practically falling a part (it's a very old trailer).

Sorry, this was so long and random.

I just feel like my life is being wasted. I want to have experiences. I don't want to be just sitting around, waiting to die.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like this all the time. This sounds like an awful situation for you. :( You said you like writing but don't feel like you are good at it, maybe you could take an online writing class? It seems like you have internet since you're on here, and there are pell grants, scholarships, student loans, etc to pay for it. If you are stuck at home all day, it would make you feel better for you to do something rather than just sit around all day feeling worse. I'm sure you will surprise yourself. I recently started back to school after a 3 year break, and I know when I get an A on a test, it makes me push forward harder so that I can keep impressing myself.

Even if you don't take my advice, I hope things get better and you start believing in yourself. It's not just a cliche, you really can do anything, you just have to start.

You really need to start walking and doing some sort of exercise. You will feel better. As you probably know, eating the candy and crap will make you feel like a superstar, until the guilt sets in and the scale goes up. Start thinking about what would be good for YOU. Don't buy clearance candy, buy some apples or the least expensive fruit available at your market. Sit outside in the sunshine for 15 minutes (now that the weather is changing). Try doing small things for yourself by yourself: hair, nails, etc. Good luck to you!

I use to be just like that; meaning family situation. Listen; I will tell you like my mom tells me. No mother or father will have RESPECT for a man who can not take care of home! My father had no respect for my hubby because, my family had to pay for everything for us at first! They want the best for you and I am not saying he is not the best. But this is how parents think!

No need to feel negative about yourself because you have a roof over your head, food on the table and internet. There are so many people who do not have what you have. My mother has funny ways also; but no matter what ; I know she loves me. While I know you guys want to learn how to drive. You might have to pay someone to teach you how to. Which might not be a bad idea.

I also agree with the other poster! You could try a online class to help you with your writing. This will also give you something to do while educating yourself.

Best of luck to you !

I strongly recommend that you and hubby start working on a plan to move away from your folks. I presume that you live in a rural area and do not have any sort of bus service there. You should start saving and look into moving to a town that has public transportation. If you have graduated high school, start thinking about a career you would enjoy and explore training options at PUBLIC community colleges or career centers. They will also be able to work with you about student loans, and pell grants, but be careful as you will have to pay any loans back. That's why I recommend a public institution over a private and/or online training college - you can have more confidence that they are committed to you rather than to maximizing their return on your investment.

You and your husband should be able to make a go of it in town by combining entry-level salaries from available jobs and renting a modest 1 bedroom apartment. You could take driving lessons after you had saved up enough money instead of relying on your mother, who seems more interested in keeping you at home and dependent rather than giving you guys the freedom you need to move on with your lives.

If you have not graduated high school, you should enroll in a GED program and start working on your GED now. Contact your local library and ask them about GED programs. They probably have some available via the internet and/or supplemented by public television programs, with assets you can check out at the library.

You should also look into the Job Corps. The Job Corps provides housing, training, and career placement for young, low-income Americans. You may be on the upper cusp of qualifying for it (I am not sure if they have an age-limit), but you should contact them as well:

http://www.jobcorps.gov/Home.aspx

I think having a positive plan to create a life for you and your husband, a plan with goals toward which you can work, will help your mental health and anger issues.

Finally, I recommend that you seek some professional help. In my state, there are local mental health agencies that are non-profit centers and provide care on a sliding scale basis to people in crisis, and particularly low income people. They might be able to help you.

Is there a free clinic close to you? It sounds like you need at least some kind of antidepressant, if they prescribe one for you some medicine brands will help you with low to no cost medication if you qualify. I think pain medicine is included in the no/low cost but I am not positive.
Can you find someone else to help you learn to drive? Maybe call some churches and see if they can help you guys out.
I agree, start walking a little bit each day, get out in the fresh air and sunshine. It sounds like you really need to put some distance between you and your family for a while and figure out how to stand on your own. I know it is so hard when you are poorer than poor, I have been there, **** I still am.
I know how you feel about not being good at anything, I don't think I have any redeeming qualities either. But we are both wrong! You are an important part of life, you just need to figure out where you fit.:hug:

mnemosyne, I was so glad to read your post. Sometimes I really do feel like the US and the UK are on separate planets I have mental health problems( bipolar) and as I am unable to work and my husband is currently looking for work we are on a very limited budget.
Over here access to help would be free and there is help for people who want to improve their education but don't have the money. The course I am doing at the moment was completely subsidised..... I am very blessed.
Serval 87 you really are in a bad place.....I have said this before on 3fc but please be kind to yourself. You cannot fight a battle on multiple fronts. I think sitting talking with your husband about a plan for your future is a great start. It is the first part of taking control over your own life. Of course you are seeking solace in food,as you say it is better than drink or drugs or worse. In the short term put your weight worries aside and concentrate on your health both physically and mentally. A short walk every day....a few veggies planning your meals around when you know you will be able to collect your food stamps.
You are young and you don't mention children so you would be able to be flexible for jobs that require shifts etc....concentrate on what you have to offer.
Good luck and please keep us posted.

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. No, I don't have kids. I don't want any, if at all, to be honest. It's not something I can think about in my situation, anyway. I'm not sure about clinics are stuff. I know we have a health clinic, but I'm not sure if it covers mental health stuff. I do live in a rural area. I live in my grandparents old trailer, right beside my parents. I will probably get back into walking. I enjoy walking. I've just lacked motivation, and feel that if I'm going to do something that requires energy, it should be cleaning the house, since I'm such a slob. Sometimes I don't wake up in time to walk, because I stay up late trying to write, but mostly just browsing facebook. :P I have a weird feeling of doing anything fun, like playing video games or reading a book, because I feel like I should only write, or I'm worthless.

When I was younger I was very depressed. I don't think I could have gotten out of that without help. I think looking into a free clinic to get on an antidepressant is a very good idea. Given your level of depression, I think it's a really important step one. It's not always easy. It takes time to find what works. But it's a lot better than trying to get to a better place without the help. Also, I think the suggestions about school are a good idea. Sometimes financial aid includes money for living expenses, too, which could help you to be able to do things like get anti-depressant meds and driving lessons. It is important to be careful about loans, but I think it's also important to be moving forward, toward something.

Things can/most likely will get better. I know sometimes it probably feels like all you do is struggle through your days with little to show for it, but that doesn't mean that the struggles won't pay off down the road. Try not to worry about too many things at once, I think. Focus on taking care of yourself and the rest will come.

That's just my two cents. To borrow a phrase I heard, take what you like and leave the rest. =-)

Originally Posted by Serval87:
I will probably get back into walking. I enjoy walking. I've just lacked motivation, and feel that if I'm going to do something that requires energy, it should be cleaning the house, since I'm such a slob. Sometimes I don't wake up in time to walk, because I stay up late trying to write, but mostly just browsing facebook. :P I have a weird feeling of doing anything fun, like playing video games or reading a book, because I feel like I should only write, or I'm worthless.

A case of beating yourself up because you have the "shoulds". Those are dangerous. You can keep wallowing in the shoulds, but it's not going to make you feel better.

If you enjoy walking, why don't you set aside some time that works for you on a daily basis to go out for a walk. This walk will only be about you, not about your family or husband or house cleaning, it's your walk.

You don't even have to make grand proclamations to anyone that you are going to walk every day, just go out and do it. Just do that one thing for a while.

I think you are probably an "all or nothing" type person, which I am too, and that's a very difficult way to be, seeing as it can set us up for many disappointments because technically, you can't do everything all the time. You just can't.

Bit by bit though, you CAN do things. It's very overwhelming to think of cleaning your house, I HATE cleaning my house and I have so much to clean and organize that I end up doing nothing and then feeling bad about it. Instead I have learned to just do one tiny little thing at a time. It might take me like a year to have my house exactly the way I want it, but one tiny thing actually makes a difference!

I will give you a link to an article that kinda changed in my life in this respect, maybe you will find it interesting. http://www.nomeatathlete.com/limitless/

Oh and one more thing. I like your writing. To be honest if someone posts something long on here I usually can't be bothered reading it, but I read your entire post because you wrote it very well and kept me interested. :-)

This sounds like a VERY tough situation. It's hard when you want to better your situation but your very situation prevents it.

Two things I thought of:

One, have you thought of approaching your pastor about this situation? Perhaps someone in the church could teach you how to drive? I no longer attend church but when I did I recall it has being a fairly tight community with members willingly assisting other members with their needs. Are there driving schools in your area? Perhaps you could contact them and offer to do work for them in exchange for lessons? People still barter, and maybe they need help with something in their office right now and you could help out.

Two, in regards to your depression and rage- are you certain there are no options? You may qualify for State Medicaid, which would be insurance for you. You also might be able to get counseling through your church, and even assistance with medical bills through your church. There may also be free clinics nearby. If you have any Catholic hospitals nearby, I believe they do a certain percentage of their stuff as charity work. You may have a lot more options than you think.

:hug: ^What they said.

I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now. You're in a really tough position.

Some areas do offer free or reduced-cost mental health services - it's definitely worth checking into.

Like BreathingSpace said, it sounds like you might have some unhelpful thinking habits that lead to you feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and angry. A book that I've found very helpful in dealing with my negative thinking is Feeling Good by David D. Burns, MD. From what you've written, I think it might be helpful for you too. If you have a chance, you might try borrowing it from your local library (you could probably request it through Inter-library Loan if they don't have a copy) or buying a copy (the paperback costs about $9-10). It's geared for people with depression, but it also has a whole section on anger.

As far as transportation - how far from town do you live? If you could get a bike from freecycle or wherever, could you bike there? If you live too far out or that's just not an option, do you think one of the people at your church might help you out with transportation (at least for getting to and from church)? Do you think anybody you know might be willing to give you driving lessons in exchange for you doing some work for them, like housework or babysitting?

If you want to go for a walk, go for a walk. S---- the housework. It's not going to go anywhere. :D

Thanks, everyone. Again. I really appreciate all the helpful and nice comments. :)

The church I attend is nondenominational, so we don't have consoling or stuff like that. I have my preacher's email address and an email address for a minister that I really respect, but I'm not completely comfortable going to them for advice on my mental issues.

Some men from the church will pick me up for church if I request it, but I kind of messed that up a while back by not going when they'd come over (we were using my parents phone at the time since we don't have one, and my parents decided they didn't want a phone anymore, so they got rid of it, and have cell phones only for emergencies) and I wasn't able to cancel anymore. I should have just went, but I was either having stiff pains or depression issues and didn't feel like being around a lot of people.

I have a bike, but I'm a little scared of it, because I'm short and can't touch my feet to the ground. lol. We live about a 20 minute drive from town.

Thanks for the book suggestion and I'll check out the link. I make a small amount of money on amazon mechanical turk sometimes and do surveys on listia.com to get books and little things like that. It takes a while, but it's better than not ever getting anything.

I haven't thought about bartering. I'm very socially awkward. I might look into seeing if I could qualify for medicaid or something. Thanks for the suggestions.

It is a terrible pity that you don't have access to affordable medical care as I think that antidepressants could really help to improve your outlook. With your depression under control it would be easier to break the cycle of dependence and poverty you are currently trapped in, but it is still possible to take steps to improve things, it's just a little bit more challenging to stay motivated to do what is necessary.

Is it in any way possible for you to move closer to town so that you and your partner can find work? You need to get a job. Any job. Not just for the money, but for the confidence and self worth that it will bring. Have you thought about asking your church community if any of them have a room you could stay in while you and your partner find work and get on your feet? I really feel that the crux of your issues is your location and that once you are closer to town that things will improve for you from there.

At 26 you should be leading a far more independent life and making your own choices. I really hope that things pick up for you soon.

Originally Posted by BeachPig:
It is a terrible pity that you don't have access to affordable medical care as I think that antidepressants could really help to improve your outlook. With your depression under control it would be easier to break the cycle of dependence and poverty you are currently trapped in, but it is still possible to take steps to improve things, it's just a little bit more challenging to stay motivated to do what is necessary.

Is it in any way possible for you to move closer to town so that you and your partner can find work? You need to get a job. Any job. Not just for the money, but for the confidence and self worth that it will bring. Have you thought about asking your church community if any of them have a room you could stay in while you and your partner find work and get on your feet? I really feel that the crux of your issues is your location and that once you are closer to town that things will improve for you from there.

At 26 you should be leading a far more independent life and making your own choices. I really hope that things pick up for you soon.

I agree with all of this. Please try to find a way to get on antidepressants. I was your age when I was first diagnosed with depression and started on antidepressants (as a full time student without a lot of money). I felt like I wasn't capable of making any of the changes I needed to make to improve my life until those antidepressants kicked in. It wasn't overnight but I slowly began to feel capable again, and started tackling obstacles to my happiness.

You are in so deep right now that nothing seems possible so you don't even try. Once you get properly medicated, that will change. And if you truly cannot get on a generic antidepressant, I agree that you should start getting regular aerobic exercise (like walking). That has been shown to alleviate MILD depression. It sounds like you have more than a mild depression, but something is better than nothing.

sERVAL87 first stop the negative talk about yourself. Counseling with a pastor is free. Have you ever been diagnosed with bi-polar? Are you handicapped so you can't get a job? One step at a time-which one is it going to be?

I don't have access to a place like that. My mom is the only person I can carpool with, and it would inconvience her too much to take me to a place like that. Also, being a member of a church of Christ, I would feel a bit weird getting any form of help or guidance from a denominational church. The only minister I could talk to is the one at the church I attend, or the other church of Christ minister I correspond with through email. The new minister we have at the church I attend is an extremely nice guy, but I don't exactly feel comfortable talking with him about my innermost thoughts, especially since I see him in person several times a week. It's hard to explain, but it'd be weird. I don't even disclose all of my thoughts to my mom. My husband is the only person who completely knows how messed up I am.

I've never been diagnosed with anything. I haven't been to a real doctor since I was a teen. I went to the health clinic a couple years ago about a dental issue, but it was a waste of time, so I had to start seeing a real dentist every couple of months, but it was really, really expensive. My husband's SSI check got cut this year (not completely, but they took maybe 60 dollars out, so we're living on less than 500 a month), so I haven't been able to go back yet. I still have a lot of work I need to get done, and the dentist is dumb about payments. The biggest wiggle room she'll allow me if paying half up front and the other half 2 weeks later. If I could make smaller payments on my own time, I'd go and have it all done, but that can't happen. I did have this thing for a while, that was 7 dollars a month, and it took like 25% off everything, but "conveniently" they stopped accepting it several months after I started using it. Ticks me off.

Anyway, I got off topic. lol.

I have a 1st cousin that is bi-polar, though. Not sure if that matters. My mom said she might have a bottle of antidepressants I could try. They were given to my dad, or something. Not sure if I want to try them, or not. I, most likely, wouldn't be able to get anymore, so if they helped, it would suck going "back to reality". lol.

I was having some moments of feeling a little better, but it's been cold and my knees and neck have been extra achy, and it hasn't been that comfortable enough to walk outside. I've been wanting to clean the kitchen more, but I haven't. I've been staying up all night and then going to bed when the light is coming in. I also have barely been writing at all. I sort of lost interest in the story I had been editing, and haven't felt much like picking up on another one.

I read that website someone provided earlier, about training yourself to have better habits, and am definitely going to try it, so thanks!

Unfortunately, I gained most of the weight I lost back, or else it was from eating too much dairy (I'm mildly lactose intolerant, but I LOVE cheese and ice cream; I don't drink cow's milk anymore, as it seems to react the worse with my stomach). I was going to start eating raw or steamed vegetables whenever I felt like binging. It's still not the best thing to do, but sometimes I just feel the need to eat something, and then I feel somewhat better. :P

Speaking of impulses, I've had the strongest impulse to take one (or all four) of the black kittens my mom can't find homes for. I have three cats already. I just took one from the last litter. I was supposed to take her originally, but I procrastinated (not really sure if I could afford another cat, and afraid of the harmony between my other two being altered), but then my dad took the cat and her mother off, and the cat (I named her Mado) showed up at the church I attend, and I felt very guilty, so I ended up taking her anyway. Even, despite that, I feel a very strong urge to take one (or all) of the kittens. Maybe it's because they're new and exciting and make me forget things when I'm playing with them, but I know I can't afford anymore cats. I won't take them, but it doesn't mean the urge isn't there. I know I will have some minor guilt if they get taken off like Mado and her mother did. It just makes me feel awful.

Anyway, if I take anymore cats my catfood and litter bill will go up too high and knock out any possible chance of me ever going back to the dentist or even to a real doctor once I get all of my dental work done. I have incredibly crooked teeth. I desperately needed braces as a child, but my parents never got them for me (even though they've never had any trouble taking out loans for things like vehicles or tvs, but whatever). I was also never taught to floss as a kid, and didn't get into the habit until a year or so ago, so you can only imagine how disgusting my mouth was. I also have one of those mercury fillings that I need to get removed, as I've broken it by grinding my teeth in my sleep. I also need a crown for said tooth. It's all expensive stuff. I feel bad for all the money going into making my mouth healthier, but I also don't ever want to lose any teeth. I have nightmares all the time about losing teeth, and they freak me out.

Dang. Sorry for rambling.

Originally Posted by Serval87:
I have a bike, but I'm a little scared of it, because I'm short and can't touch my feet to the ground. lol. We live about a 20 minute drive from town.

Get a new bike. Maybe you can get a child's bike from one of your fellow church member's kids as a hand me down? I notice on your profile you're only 4'9"...I'm 5'3" and I can comfortably ride the bike I rode as a 12 year old. Plus kids get a lot nicer looking bikes anyway. :) Or as an alternative, I think Goodwill has some sort of vehicle program. You could check them out, perhaps there's one near you. Perhaps in addition to securing a vehicle they'd help you get a license.

I can't comment on the mental health aspect. I have no knowledge of it. But from an outsider's point of view, gaining financial and mobility independence from your parents would probably go miles to improving your outlook on life. You might be able to save up enough to move away from them as well. Even if the job situation is particularly bad in your area, this is the time of year retailers begin hiring seasonal employees, so that could be a start.

You might see if there are any job placement services in your area too. My sister used to work for one. It's a publicly funded state service that helps with interview skills, resume writing, etc.

Serval - please do not take your father's antidepressants. They were prescribed for him, not for you. Antidepressants require monitoring by a physician. Some can contribute to liver problems, others can actually cause some people's depression to worsen.

This is the website of the Tennessee State Association of Community Mental Health Centers. Click on "Access to Services" and you will get a map of the state that you can explore county by county to look for services in your area. There are other numbers there that may be of help.

Originally Posted by mnemosyne:
I strongly recommend that you and hubby start working on a plan to move away from your folks. I presume that you live in a rural area and do not have any sort of bus service there. You should start saving and look into moving to a town that has public transportation.

You and your husband should be able to make a go of it in town by combining entry-level salaries from available jobs and renting a modest 1 bedroom apartment. You could take driving lessons after you had saved up enough money instead of relying on your mother, who seems more interested in keeping you at home and dependent rather than giving you guys the freedom you need to move on with your lives.

Bingo. Your Mom needs to cut the cord and you need to stop feeling guilt. You're almost 26 go live your life, she's crippling you. I would be very depressed in your situation too. I think you need to get away from this situation and you will feel a lot better. Not having kids helps too because nothing is tying you down. You seem very smart, start a plan for a better future. It can be done.

I second the suggestion by others to get a new bike. Try to see whether you can exchange the one you have for a smaller one. It will give you mobility and provide some exercise. I am not sure I would get antidepressants. What you need is a more structured life. Go to sleep earlier, get up in the morning, work out. Exercise, particularly cardio, releases hormones that will make you feel good. Pretty much the same effect as anti-depressants. If you have internet, you can purchase workout videos and do it at home. Jillian Michaels' videos are not that expensive and her books actually are pretty good (your library should have them). You might like her no nonsense attitude.
Ask your husband to help you with acquiring a more disciplined lifestyle. It is hard if you have to come up with all the energy yourself. Schedule some time both of you tidy up and clean the house once a week. If you are like me, it will be messed up quickly again, but just cleaning and putting things away makes you feel good.
Then, as others said, you need some kind of work. Even if it just is to get you on a schedule and bring in some pocket money. You write well and lucid. There is plenty of room to expand on this. Since you have internet, you could research some job opportunities that involve writing skills. The internet is blind to your looks, your place of origin and offers you world-wide access. You may not make a lot of money, but it gives you something to do and and to build a resume. Once you have that, you can also look for a job more locally. Depending on your interests and school background, you can also now find a lot of schooling resources on the internet, as many schools and universities provide lectures that can be accessed for free (on iTunes for example). Some also provide discussion boards for their "students" to exchange ideas and help with studies. If you feel socially shy, this may be a way to interact with complete strangers.
As to your health, Obamacare is coming. You should get better health care with it. Hold out.

Hi Serval, I didn't feel right reading your post and not replying and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you xxxx

As someone else has said you do sound like an all or nothing type of person (let's look at the cats!) ..... the positive side of this is that when you do get the strength to turn your life around there'll be no stopping you!

However, I don't think it is fair for people to comment on your mother in a negative way. To be fair she seems to have her own problems, you are now a married woman but still relying heavily on her. I think, perhaps with the help of medication (prescribed for you, not someone else) you will have to stop relying on her and your father and start doing things for yourself. Obviously if you can do something to earn an income of your own this would help enormously.

Forgive me for asking but if you aren't working what do you do to occupy yourself besides reading and spending late evenings on facebook? I think you should cut out facebook, I don't think it is condusive to a healthy relationship - perhaps your husband and yourself could start by going out for a walk in the evenings, this would help you both and maybe you could start to formalise a plan of where you are both going. The exercise is good too - I find when my husband and I walk together it gives us a chance to chat about various things, better than both of us sitting watching tv!

Please get yourself a smaller bike on freecycle ..... start by cycling 10 or 15 mins each day and building it up ..... in no time at all you'll be able to cycle into your nearest town rather than relying on your parents and it will give you a sense of independence.

Also, DO NOT TAKE ON ANY MORE CATS ..... the pictures you have posted look great but there is a place called stop ..... take care of yourself first and foremost.

Take care xx

:hug::hug::hug:Hi read your post before and was not sure how to respond to you in a way that would be helpful.
Sometimes I find it helpful to write my feelings down then have a separate column for action statements.
Feelings are find but we can not live our life strictly by are emotions are lives would be be all over the place.
Where do You want to be in a year and what are you doing to get yourself there?
Being willing to ask your Pastor for help and maybe he can offer you a referral to someone who could .
We all need to accept responsibility for where we are at and life and believe in our ability to change!
if we don't believe in ourselves how can we expect someone else will?
Everything that has happened to all of us good the bad makes us who we are.
Happiness is a choice ,something in you wants better choose that and reach out for help and have the courage to take it.
People have overcome impossible odds I think of about people who have lost everything and had to start over again.
Plan of action - what is going to get me where I want to go?
What have I done today to enrich someone life today?
Could be as simple as helping someone for no reason at all.
Try making a list of all things you are grateful for in life.
I hope you will reach out and get the resources you need.
Be like a Salesman they hear more no's than yes' but a good salesman keeps on and closes the Deal.
This is your life take an active role in getting your needs met.
I wish for you the courage to achieve your dreams . Roo2:carrot:::carrot:::angel::goodvibes

Thanks, again, everyone.

Allimac1, I really don't do much. I plan to do a lot, like reading textbooks I've won off listia or got off amazon with mturk money that I've earned from doing surveys and stuff. I have an interest in botany and herbology. I also plan to write/edit on stories, do housework, exercise, practicing singing (I know lol) , reading regular books ect. I usually end up playing on the internet, whether it's facebook, or youtube. Sometimes if I'm feeling better than usual, I will do some HITS on mturk to earn a very small amount of money (mostly surveys, article writing, crap like that), or I'll use listia (it's like ebay, but it's free unless there's shipping involved; you just make site points and trade them in for stuff). Other times, I watch a movie (we ditched our satellite and got netflix; it's cheaper and we still get to watch stuff). Or sometimes I go over to my parents' house and hang out with my mom/play with the kittens/take a shower (our hot water heater has been broken for almost two years).

Originally Posted by Serval87:
The only minister I could talk to is the one at the church I attend, or the other church of Christ minister I correspond with through email. The new minister we have at the church I attend is an extremely nice guy, but I don't exactly feel comfortable talking with him about my innermost thoughts, especially since I see him in person several times a week. It's hard to explain, but it'd be weird. I don't even disclose all of my thoughts to my mom. My husband is the only person who completely knows how messed up I am.

One of clergypeople's jobs is to help people who are sick - both mentally and physically. Not reaching out to anybody but your husband (who I'm guessing isn't a certified psychotherapist) isn't working for you. If you want to get better, you're going to have to get outside your comfort zone. From what you've said, it sounds like sharing your problems with the pastors you know would be the easiest and least inconvenient way to reach out for help. It might make you feel uncomfortable, but if you want to get better you're probably going to have to reach outside of your comfort zone to get the tools and support you need.

Originally Posted by Serval87:
My mom said she might have a bottle of antidepressants I could try.

This is really bad idea.

Originally Posted by Serval87:
Speaking of impulses, I've had the strongest impulse to take one (or all four) of the black kittens my mom can't find homes for. I have three cats already. I just took one from the last litter. I was supposed to take her originally, but I procrastinated (not really sure if I could afford another cat, and afraid of the harmony between my other two being altered), but then my dad took the cat and her mother off, and the cat (I named her Mado) showed up at the church I attend, and I felt very guilty, so I ended up taking her anyway. Even, despite that, I feel a very strong urge to take one (or all) of the kittens. Maybe it's because they're new and exciting and make me forget things when I'm playing with them, but I know I can't afford anymore cats. I won't take them, but it doesn't mean the urge isn't there. I know I will have some minor guilt if they get taken off like Mado and her mother did. It just makes me feel awful.

That's sad, but I think you're right not to take the kittens. Your well-being is more important than a cat's, and getting the cats probably won't help you in the long run, will it? Why do you feel guilty about the cats? Their existence/non-adoption isn't your fault.

I just feel bad, because I took one from the last litter, and she has a good home, and they might not have a good home. My parents are tired of having a lot of cats around. They're only going to keep the one my brother likes (Mado's sister), and if they can't find homes soon then they will dump them on the side of the road somewhere. They already got rid of the mother, who was a feral that we all worked with for months, and finally gained her trust and affection, and then they just dump her off. Makes me both angry and upset. I think my dad said she may have gotten a home, though, but my mom took her away from the black kittens before they were fully weaned.

I guess I just bond easier and faster with animals (especially cats). I'm around my cats and the cats at my mom's almost all the time. So, that's 8 different cats (was 9 counting the ex-feral) as opposed to my husband, parents, and brother. lol. So, I'm around more cats than people on a regular basis.

I might look into talking to my minister, I guess. I'm sure my anti-social behavior has already told him that I have some problems. Maybe I'll talk to the one I email first, though.

Thanks, again.

When I was growing up, our family had around 17 cats and it got out of control. They just kept having more and more kittens. I ended up posting an ad on Pet Finder and a cat adoption agency contacted us. They took all but 3 of the cats and the 3 cats that we kept, the agency spayed and neutered them for free. Maybe there is a similar agency in TN that your parents could contact that would take the cats and give them a good home.

Here is a list of places in Tennessee that offer free or low cost spaying and neutering for cats:

lovethatcat. com/ spayneuter. html #tn (remove the spaces)

Thanks! I'd have to do anything like that, because my mom will make excuses. I actually found my Avery off petfinder.

Hey, I just turned 27 and last year around this time I would of said all the same things as you. I hated life, I was so depressed. I was only dieting merry go round and just hated life most the time. I have been diagnosed with so many different things and the doctors wanted to put me on medications but after being on so many different ones as a teenager I didn't want to do that again.

My life now is COMPLETELY different.I now eat a fruit based raw vegan diet. I have so much energy its amazing. My outlook on life is different and my passions are multiplying by the day. I feel like life is amazing.

I went from doing a low carb, paleo style diet and feeling like crap, I always felt depressed and tired. Now from going vegan 9 months, and losing 100 lbs I feel much better and completely in control of my life. I don't know if you ever heard of the book 80/10/10, or you could look up "Megan Elizabath, Freelea , or FullyRawKristina" on youtube and check it out. I know for me personally it was the turning point and I am so happy now because of it.

I also have a youtube video talking about my journey into raw foods and how calorie restriction is just a merry go round and keeps us sick. You can find that at "GetYourFruitOn" on youtube.

Keep us updated and if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here <3

I was reading about the raw diet for a while, but I honestly can't afford all organic. I really only buy organic spinach, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, and potatoes. I buy nonorganic bell peppers. The organic ones are close to 3 dollars a pepper. :-/ I would skip them all together since I can't get organic, but they're my favorite. I would eat them with every meal if I could afford it (spinach, onions, and tomatoes too; I'm crazy about all of them) Most of the other veggies (and almost all the fruit except bananas I buy) are frozen (non organic). I've heard of that book, but never read it.

Today wasn't too bad of a day. I cleaned for about an hour, and organized my herbal teas so that I can get to them easier since I've been drinking them more. We got the heater I bought off amazon (with the money I made through mturk doing surveys) today and it works pretty well. It's a quartz infrared space-heater, and people said it actually can take your electric bill down, plus the heat is supposed to absorb into your joints and promote less aches and pains. I've noticed that our main heat hasn't come on much at all since it's been on, and I'm fairly warm. If this takes our electric bill down it will free up some money for other things we need. :)

I'm hoping to go with my mom to town Friday and get some more groceries and dump off some trash.

Awesome to hear you've heard about it!!

I also only buy organic greens, my husband and our kids also eat raw so I could NEVER afford to buy organic.

Dr Graham once said in a lecture that avoiding fruit because it isn't organic is like stepping in front of a bus to avoid a bee.

I buy in bulk at costco and you can buy wholesale.
Also talking to your local produce providers and asking to buy by the case, this has saved us a lot of money.

Another book you may be interested in reading is the four agreements, it will really help putting life into perspective and moving forward.

Originally Posted by mnemosyne:
I strongly recommend that you and hubby start working on a plan to move away from your folks. I presume that you live in a rural area and do not have any sort of bus service there. You should start saving and look into moving to a town that has public transportation. If you have graduated high school, start thinking about a career you would enjoy and explore training options at PUBLIC community colleges or career centers. They will also be able to work with you about student loans, and pell grants, but be careful as you will have to pay any loans back. That's why I recommend a public institution over a private and/or online training college - you can have more confidence that they are committed to you rather than to maximizing their return on your investment.

You and your husband should be able to make a go of it in town by combining entry-level salaries from available jobs and renting a modest 1 bedroom apartment. You could take driving lessons after you had saved up enough money instead of relying on your mother, who seems more interested in keeping you at home and dependent rather than giving you guys the freedom you need to move on with your lives.

If you have not graduated high school, you should enroll in a GED program and start working on your GED now. Contact your local library and ask them about GED programs. They probably have some available via the internet and/or supplemented by public television programs, with assets you can check out at the library.

You should also look into the Job Corps. The Job Corps provides housing, training, and career placement for young, low-income Americans. You may be on the upper cusp of qualifying for it (I am not sure if they have an age-limit), but you should contact them as well:

http://www.jobcorps.gov/Home.aspx

I think having a positive plan to create a life for you and your husband, a plan with goals toward which you can work, will help your mental health and anger issues.

Finally, I recommend that you seek some professional help. In my state, there are local mental health agencies that are non-profit centers and provide care on a sliding scale basis to people in crisis, and particularly low income people. They might be able to help you.

This is the best advice here by far. Anyone under your circumstances is bound to feel down, no need to rush to get some antidepressants for that. It is merely your smart, correctly-functioning brain telling you that you need to change the situation ASAP.

You know what drug you need? EMPOWERMENT

Do like mnemosyne said and get out of that sad situation and empower yourself. Find a place with public transportation and realistic job outlook.

After you have overcome the situation and are empowered, you will feel sorry for your mother.

I already feel sorry for my mother, happynottsgirl. She's in constant pain. The pain makes her brain foggy and makes her want to smoke cigarettes. She just relapsed back into smoking even though she was trying to quit. She's tried to quit for a very long time, but to no avail. The brain-fog is one of the more annoying things about her, though. I can see her glaze over a bit when I talk about something that she either doesn't understand or has no interest in. When I'm done talking about said topic, she will reach into herself and pull out a vague, one-word reply, or something, and go onto another subject. Also, she forgets things a lot when it comes to me. I'll say something to her, and the next day she'll forget (A symptom of the fibromalgia). She also tells the same stories over and over again. I figure it's because she hasn't made any new stories in a while.

Moving to a city sounds horrible, though. I like the area I live in now, because it's rural. Every time I go to town, I get congested from all the fumes and smoking smells around the buildings. I also have misophonia (undiagnosed, but I've had 'trigger-noises' since before I started elementary school), which makes me highly aggravated by normal every day sounds to the point that I have an almost fight or flight feeling. If I could just learn to drive, and not be afraid of driving, I'd been fine. I just wish it didn't feel so scary.

Melissamixedup, thanks for the book suggestions. At this moment, I'm trying to incorporate more fruit and vegetables into my diet. I bought a huge bag of bananas and a small box of clementines yesterday in town, plus some organic spinach and organic carrots. I actually didn't buy any sweets at all. I'm very proud of myself. I'm trying to only eat sweets on special occasions, like Holidays and birthdays, or church dinners or something. As long as I don't buy it, I'm usually okay. I've also been eating a banana when I have a sugar craving. I'm still drinking soda, but I'm limiting it. I think it will be the last thing I give up, just because if I have a glass of soda, it makes a healthy meal not seem so boring (bad, I know).

I understand, I'm also scared of driving!

For online work you can try being a google rater for Lionbridge or Leapforce. Just google it and apply, you take two tests (they give you a guide which you should study very well). If you are going to try this pm if you need help or other information.

I've been in a similar situation before and this online gigs really help.

Thanks! I'll check that out. I'm always interested in doing online work for money. I tried publishing short stories, but only succeeded with one (the link on my signature). I'm more of a novella-novel length writer, though, so it didn't work out so well. lol. I've also tried writing articles, but I have to be interested in the topic to actually do it, so that interferes with a lot of article-writing turks on amazon mechanical turk, because the articles they usually want are boring topics to me.

Yeah, driving is horrifying to me. The main road out here is so narrow, that in order to let someone pass, you need to practically pull into the ditch. I've only ever driven on the driveway. Also, farther up the road, you have to watch out because the neighbors just let their children and pets run rampant around the road (and sometimes in the road). I would HATE to accidentally kill someone's dog, or worse. It's one of my phobias.

Another idea, if it's feasible for you: check out the Americorps program. It's a national service program through the government to place people in human service positions (usually at a non-profit). You work 1,700 hours in a year, get a small monthly stipend, super basic health insurance and at the end of your completed year - you get around 5,000 in an educational stipend to use for tuition, books or to repay student loans. You can do two years of this program, so $ for college, you'll gain work experience and this service looks great on a resume! Sometimes getting out of your own headspace and helping others is a good thing. I hope you can figure a way out to improve your situation. Good luck.

Originally Posted by happynottsgirl:
This is the best advice here by far. Anyone under your circumstances is bound to feel down, no need to rush to get some antidepressants for that. It is merely your smart, correctly-functioning brain telling you that you need to change the situation ASAP.

You know what drug you need? EMPOWERMENT

Do like mnemosyne said and get out of that sad situation and empower yourself. Find a place with public transportation and realistic job outlook.

After you have overcome the situation and are empowered, you will feel sorry for your mother.

I totally agree with this and everything mnemosyne said. You need to empower yourself. Thinking about antidepressants should be your last resort, not your first. And I can completely empathize with your situation. I grew up in Hawaii, which isn't considered rural, but what a lot of people don't realize is that it's an island, separated from everything, and the majority of locals (my family included) live in poverty. I left home when I was 18, but being on an island, you can't really go far, and I ended up moving in with my boyfriend into this Section 8 squalor of an apartment. It was filthy, riddled with mold and cockroaches, and smelled. I couldn't drive, either, and I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was a child--I couldn't stand the sound of car engines. I had to walk or take the bus to my minimum wage job. It sucked. My whole life sucked. I was depressed all the time. I seriously thought that that was just my lot in life. My entire family was poor, no one did anything with their lives, and I'd just be another one. No money, no education, no independence.... I can't tell you what triggered my epiphany, but I had one when I was 20---I didn't wanna be a burden anymore. I went from being a burden to my mom to a burden to my boyfriend. I completely depended on them for everything. And I knew the only way I'd get out of my rut and change my life was if I left everything. I had to completely remove myself from the situation. I left Hawaii, and my entire family (boyfriend included) for the first time in my life, and I never looked back. I'm now completely independent, I'm in complete control of my own life, and my relationship with my mother is 100X better than it ever was. You need to remove yourself from your situation. As long as you stay there and cling to your comfort zone, you'll never change. mnemosyne gave you valuable advice. It's so easy to be scared and to make excuses not to change, but I think if you took the plunge and did it, you'd see a total change in your outlook and mindset. Or you could be like my sister who stayed and was too scared to leave home.... 37 years old, unemployed on welfare, living with the parents, and still hating life. Goodluck!!! :hug: