I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a few years ago. I was on medication until about a year ago when I had to leave school. I can't afford the medication without insurance so my doctor and I weened me off of it. He said that I should be fine because I had learned a lot of good techniques to handle my anxiety attacks and we had been working toward taking me off depression meds anyway.
Well, a lot of things have happened in the past year and, while my anxiety isn't doing any worse, I really feel like my depression is back. I know that it's manifesting because I'm in a situation where I am not comfortable or happy. I know that once my fiance and I are in our own place and not living with his mother and I can finally do things to express myself again (which was one of the coping devices for my depression) like baking, art, music and whatnot, everything will be different.
My birthday is tomorrow and I just really want to ignore it. It's my first birthday away from my friends and my family. They're all back in Denver and I moved to Texas with my fiance in October when his mother and her boyfriend invited us to come live with them while we got on our feet. The thing is, from the first day we've been here they've been trying to push us out. They've been putting a tremendous amount of pressure on us and not only is it negatively affecting our relationship, but it's really thrown me back into my depression. I spend all of my time in my bedroom or in the guest room on the elliptical because I just don't want to hear them talk anymore. His mom corners me at least once a week to talk to me about when we'll be getting our own apartment and about my job and I really just feel jipped. I uprooted my whole life and left everything that I love and am comfortable with to move here because they offered to help us, but all they've been doing since the first night we were here has been trying to get us to leave.
We're very respectful of their boundaries and what they want, my fiance makes dinner every night and he takes care of the cat boxes, he sweeps and cleans every day, he goes grocery shopping. I'm usually at work so there isn't much I can do before he does it. They, however, seem to feel like we're not pulling our weight. My soon to be mother in laws boyfriend is an alcoholic and he tends to fly off the handle every few weeks, and when he does he just brings up anything he can think of to try to upset us.. It's terrible. On top of all of that, they don't respect our boundaries or privacy at all. Just the other night my fiance and I were being intimate and we heard his mothers boyfriend outside our bedroom door, he was "adjusting the thermostat" but I really feel like he was just being a creep. Now I'm not comfortable being in the house with him alone, even if my fiance is just asleep in the bedroom.
At any rate, I knew that my birthday here was going to suck. I just wanted to forget about it this year because the last thing I want to do is try to pretend I'm enjoying celebrating my birthday with people who try to make every other day we're here as uncomfortable as possible. But his mother just keeps pestering me. Every single time she's seen me the past week she's asked me what I want for birthday dinner, what kind of cake I want, what I want to do, etc. Well, I don't like her cooking so I don't want her to make anything for my birthday, but I can't say that to her so when I say "nothing" she just keeps asking, and I don't like cake but when I tell her that she names off various other baked goods that I don't want. She fancies herself a baker, but I don't particularly like anything she bakes- plus I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT!!
I'm so flustered because I don't want to acknowledge my birthday and I keep being bothered about it, and I really miss my friends and my family- especially since I've spent every birthday with them and this year I can't.. instead it's going to be my fiance and I pretending to enjoy spending too much time with his mother as she bothers us about apartments and her alcoholic boyfriend who makes me uncomfortable. UGH. I want to go home or move out.. or something.
If I could just do something creative I would feel so much better.