[fat my whole life]

Hello all. Following are some thoughts that I just need get out. I apologize in advance for using this space in lieu of a journal.

*******

I'm almost 26 years old. I've been fat my whole life. Worse, I'm tall, large-boned, and fat, so I'm a sort of Goliath trying to fit into a peer group of the short, cute, fit people I see on a daily basis through my work and animal rights activism. I love them dearly, but I am not one of them. I think they see me as an outsider, as well, but not because of my fat -- because of the emotional instability that life as a fat woman creates.

My dear friend is to-die-for small and attractive. Every guy I ever like ends up falling for her. It's not her fault, of course, but it's difficult for me to always be just the fat, ugly friend. She is always in an amazing, all-consuming relationship with some wonderful man. I haven't dated in four years, and not for a lack of trying.

In my community of friends, there are so many gorgeous, smart, emotionally stable girls to choose from. Why would any boy choose me?

Emotionally, I am a loaded muzzle. My friendly, charming facade -- I call it my "new person" facade -- only lasts long enough to interact very superficially. Once a potential friend or lover sees the depth of my emotion, the utter despair and longing that lies within, no one will give me a second look. It scares the **** out of them, or just plain turns them off.

Perhaps this is why I've been fat my whole life. The late nights of binge eating, the deliciousness of salty snacks, the indulgent guilty pleasure of unrestrained consumption -- it's all a way to avoid confronting the emptiness of a life spent entirely alone. I believe that fat is not just a biological reality, it's an emotional adaption to a life in a society that does not permit open display of distress and anger. It's a way to be more whole.

I've wanted to lose weight as long as I've been fat, and never had any success until now. Recently I've lost 20 pounds, though I still have 40 more to go. Oddly enough, I know I'm ready now, because the fat serves a purpose that no longer protects me. I'm not afraid of life without it anymore.

I woke up this morning full of rage at the injustice of being fat and alone in a community that I love, but which does not love me back. I lashed out at friends who have grown so accustomed to my instability that they did not even react. I spent the entire day sitting in my office with my door closed, crying. I came home and cried some more. I should be happy to lose weight, but all I can think of are the relationships I've ruined over all these years.

I've wasted so much of my life that I can't retreive. I've done so much permanent damage that I question the value of even trying to start over...again.

As I cry, I imagine layer after layer of fat melting into the tears that don't stop. I imagine my bulk evaporating into the saddness I've consumed for over a decade. I imagine that, as the unwanted flesh is burned off, I undergo a chemical reaction of solid matter into energy -- emotional energy -- that represents every painful experience that has created this big, fat, hopeless woman.

As I lose this weight, I am as alone and desperate and needy and remorseful as I have ever been. I am crying out in pain into the vast electronic universe to remind myself that we are really all the same: sad and alone, needy but strong, and lost in a world that does not accept us as we are.

This is the quote I carry with me, to remind me who I am. It is more poignant then ever right now:

"Remember the rejections; remember who stands beside you and that, towering, you will not be seen. Remember, and spare the pain of repetition."

Thanks for listening.

[acw]

Welcome...Thank you for sharing.

I can relate to so much of what you say and can remember feeling like that at the same age. Isn't it sad that we put that much pressure on ourselves and that society does too..

I too despaired of ever meeting a man that would love me..the me inside..the real me. I finally met my DH and we were married when I was 29 and now at 37 we have 3 wonderful children. I do still have feelings of lonliness but not in my relationship with him. I feel extremely isolated thru circumstances and have no close friends and feel my weight contributes to my lack of confidence and low self esteem. I have a public face that can be very convincing and my weight is part of the wall of protection I have errected to protect myself..isn't it funny how that in turn becomes part of the hurt...it is a vicious cycle and a hard thought pattern to change.

I wish you luck on your journey. This is a wonderful place to be able to share your ups and downs with people who, can relate, understand and encourage.

Regards Anna

[CIN]

My dear Young Lady
I wish I knew your name..................but your post certainly touched my heart but not with pity! I read and reread it despite the length and thought you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself with words. That in itself is a gift! Are you a writer or have you ever thought about writing? I can also tell you are smart enough to recognize and admit your own faults......do you have any idea how important that is in correcting weaknesses we have?

Many people dont know why they overeat or whats really "eating" them.you do! So you are already ahead of the game whether you recognize that or not. If you have lost 20 pounds already.that is real progress...............now you need to realize it takes time.................we get overweight one bite at a time...and we lose the same way.

The best advice I can offer at this time is...........REPENT dont REPEAT....................you can have power over your destiny.but only you can!

If you have real friends they will "bear with you" thats what friends do despite our weaknesses. Dont tell them what you are going to do.start showing them through your actions............take it one day at a time or perhaps an hour at a time................and be kind to you! You could start by giving your first name!

I have a daughter that will be 26 in Feb. She is 5"2 and very overweight.................last April she married a 6'2 handsome man who saw her for the lovely person she is! Even I admit they look "funny"together......he is tall and lean she short and heavy....but they are so happy!

How tall,short,skinny or heavy we are is not what makes us valuable or worthy.........................who we are inside counts!

Keep the faith!

Sincerely,
CIN ( for Cindy)

[CIN]

My dear Young Lady
I wish I knew your name..................but your post certainly touched my heart but not with pity! I read and reread it despite the length and thought you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself with words. That in itself is a gift! Are you a writer or have you ever thought about writing? I can also tell you are smart enough to recognize and admit your own faults......do you have any idea how important that is in correcting weaknesses we have?

Many people dont know why they overeat or whats really "eating" them.you do! So you are already ahead of the game whether you recognize that or not. If you have lost 20 pounds already.that is real progress...............now you need to realize it takes time.................we get overweight one bite at a time...and we lose the same way.

The best advice I can offer at this time is...........REPENT dont REPEAT....................you can have power over your destiny.but only you can!

If you have real friends they will "bear with you" thats what friends do despite our weaknesses. Dont tell them what you are going to do.start showing them through your actions............take it one day at a time or perhaps an hour at a time................and be kind to you! You could start by giving your first name!

I have a daughter that will be 26 in Feb. She is 5"2 and very overweight.................last April she married a 6'2 handsome man who saw her for the lovely person she is! Even I admit they look "funny"together......he is tall and lean she short and heavy....but they are so happy!

How tall,short,skinny or heavy we are is not what makes us valuable or worthy.........................who we are inside counts!

Keep the faith!

Sincerely,
CIN ( for Cindy)

[CIN]

opps sorry....the computer reached a standstill and I thought I had lost what I wrote.but hey.read it twice cause I meant it!

CIN (again)

[goodgurrrl]

Hi,
I'm new here too. I just read your post and was really touched by it. All of what you wrote speaks for so many people (myself included). What especially struck a cord with me was when you wrote "...as I lose this weight, I am as alone and desperate as ever...". I can relate to that so much; over the past year I've managed to lose some weight, but the emotions that cause(d) me to overeat are still there, they havn't disappeared along with the weight. Thus I find it difficult at times to continue on with the journey. What really gets me is that even though I've lost some weight and am more open to social interaction, the underlying sense of isolation and longing is still very much present.
Thank you for your post.