Oh dear, I'm giving you a comforting hug, ok?
First, things first.
Despite this being a weight-loss website, I'm going to say realax about the weight. At this point, your weight gain is a sympton of something more serious.
I have a feeling that you have
Anxiety Sensitivity.
It's a little complicated, but I'll try and explain.
It's normal to feel anxious. Most people who say "I am feeling anxious" mean that feel stress or worry; sometimes there is no "good" cause.
Sometimes, people feel anxious more often then not. When feelings of anxiety make "normal" (for a given value of normal) difficult, it is/can be diagnosed as an anxiety disorder.
There are physical symptoms of anxiety, even in those who do not have an anxiety disorder.
Sweating, shaking, heart beats racing or murmuring, voice cracking, twitching, nausea, dizziness and more are physical symptoms of anxiety.
Here's where things get tricky.
Some people (myself, my parents, and I believe you) have negative reactions to physical reactions to anxiety that is falsely amplified by our brain chemistry.
When I have to speak on the phone, I start to sweat.
My voice tremors.
My heart races.
My hands shake.
This is anxiety.
In addition to the above, I have anxiety sensitivity.
I feel my hands, heart, sweat- and I think "they [person on phone] will somehow be able to tell that I am anxious."
This thought makes all symptoms worse.
With anxiety sensitivity, there are three basic reactions to the physical symptoms of anxiety.
Some people think: "someone will think poorly of me for being anxious"
Others think: "I am ill/going to die"
And others think: "I am going crazy"
Obviously, each case is not so clear-cut. One with AS might believe themselves to be going crazy, and being judged by others.
Hopefully that will shed some light on what's happening to you.
(Disclaimer: I am not a psychiatrist/psychologist ect)
Next: Therapy. You said that "I've already seen a therapist but I hated it."
I interpret this to mean that you've seen one therapist.
Shop around. See what you can get with your health insurance in your area and meet as many as you can.
I am a great believer in achieving what you believe you can. If you enter therapy believing that it is a scam and will do nothing, well, what do
you think will happen?
Your doctor is not your therapist. You said that you exhausted all of her suggestions; well, it's time to get some new ones. Find a therapist (I would recommend a psychologist) and find what you can actively do to reduce your anxiety.
Start keeping a diary card. Write the date, and on a scale of 1 to 5 put down how your emotions were balanced. Happy, sad, misery, anxiety, fear. See if you can spot a pattern.
Go to the library and get some books. I recommend most of Nathaniel Brandon's works. I find them interesting and helpful.
You really should take your medicine as prescribed. I don't know (and I assume that you don't either) how different doses affect the brain. For all I know, a too-small does could worsen anxiety!
Check in/stay in touch, ok?
Esenin.
