[SMSDREAMER2007]

Soo.. maybe I should start from the beginning. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with pcos and with the amount of scarring on my ovaries I was told to have kids by age 26; at age 19 in the ER i was told that number had gone down to 24 and that I needed to do something FAST if I wanted a sandgrains prayer of getting pregnant in the future. Being still in my denial phase of mourning the one thing I always wanted I ignored the doctors warnings and didnt care. Last december I decided enough was enough and slowly started to contemplate losing weight an taking care of myself.

Fast forward to 1-2 weeks ago. I am down just shy of 50 lbs and feeling better most of the time the problem? The looming prospect of never having kids it tears me apart. I am typically ok with having pregnant friends I am able to support them, be happy for them etc. Until now...

We will call her J. J just recently found out she is pregnant...again. The problem? she is a compulsive lier and can't keep ANY story straight. She can't even hanle the two kids she has now and uses her pregnancy as an excuse for EVERYTHING. She can't just be tired...she has to be tired because she's pregnant. She can't be just gaining weight, she's gaining weight because she is pregnant (she is only about a month along so this is highly unlikely to be the reason) As soon as I told her I had pcos she automatically has it. She tells me she was never fully diagnosed with it then turns around and tells our friend H that she was diagnosed an suffers all the time. J has NO signs or symptoms of pcos except excess weight thats it. When she went in for her fasting blood sugars to test for diabetes she ate about 30 corn tortillas the night before and therefore was diagnosed diabetic (she didn't tell them she ate that).

I am just frustrated. Everyone asks me why I am not a mom when they see me with kids, they tell me i'm great with kids and would make a great mom. Except I most likely will never be able to get pregnant. When a guy and I were actually trying to get pregnant we weren't able to yet J who has been STRONGLY advised by CPS to not have anymore kids gets prego like nothing... wth? Sigh. I sit here listening to creeds arms wide open and wonder will that song ever apply to a pregnant me? I sit here wondering why do I have these issues? J acts like everyhting is so horrible and that life is murder now that shes prego because has has raging hormones...which granted she does but what she doesn't get is that millions of women go through it because of pregnancy for 9 mos and millions more go through it EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIVES for one reason or another i.e. pcos or other metabolic syndrome. Why does she have to act like "o poor me, im in such bad shape because im pregnant"? I just...It's depressing she rubs it in mine and H's faces almost every day even though she knows neither of us have a sandgrains chance of getting pregnant.


On the plus side? I don't want to emotionally eat. I just want to drink lots and lots of water...go figure.

[Lovely]

I'm very sorry you're feeling down about this right now.

[astrophe]

Why are you friends with the dramatic lying person? How does this nourish or enrich your life any?

I remember when I got the PCOS dx. I cried my eyes out over the idea of not having kids. Then I was angry. Then I adjusted. Then I had my kid. And that's the only one I want to have, because it was high risk, and I suspect she too may carry the PCOS gene. I already see the dark elbows of AN. Sigh.

I know it is hard, but try not to stress too much about biological children. Mothering is in the mothering, not the birthing. As you see with this friend of yours.

If anything, consider whether or not you want to stay friends with this person. Seems to be dragging you down needlessly.

GL!
A.

[SMSDREAMER2007]

I have considered this. I have known her for bout 9 years, we were in a masonic organization together. Problem is, atm she is my boss too bleh. Other issues go along with that. Its just frustrating and disheartening :\ I don't know how she doesn't get the hint? I long for the day that I can listen to creeds with arms wide open and know that it applies to my life...If I get nothing else in life except to be a mom my life will be complete Why is life so unfair?

Astrophe- I seriously am reconsidering our friendship/work relationship btw...I just don't know when/how to break it off.

[astrophe]

Well, you have a chronic patient kinda condition there with the PCOS.

You may be stuck seeing her at work, but just see her less socially, and if she asks, tell her you are working on your health stuff?

A.

[SMSDREAMER2007]

Yea, I know. I know we can't change people but I definitely have been distancing myself from her a lot. I guess I will just have to see how things go and do my best to ignore it all until things can change on my end.

[Esofia]

You poor thing, how horribly stressful.

I'd say there are two issues here. Your nightmare boss/friend, and your own fertility issues. With regard to the first, how clear have you made it? It reminds me of a neighbour who started making all sorts of ghastly "jokes" when I told her I was trying to lose weight, until I finally lost my temper (in a very small way, I was probably less forceful than she is when she's mildly irritated) and told her that I have to lose weight for medical reasons, that I've had a lifetime of my mother making terrible comments about my weight, and that what she's saying is incredibly hurtful to me. After that she apologised and belted up. But before I told her that clearly, I'd been trying to do it tactfully and she hadn't taken in a word of it. So try telling her more clearly, and making it clear how incredibly painful it is for you. You should probably not bring up the PCOS issue since she's been so odd about it, just say the doctors have told you that your chances of children are practically nil and that you are finding it incredibly painful to deal with. It may also be worth looking for another job if that's a possibility, as she sounds like a highly stressful person to be around.

As for the second, of course you can still have children. You may not be able to be the person who provides the eggs, but that still leaves assisted reproduction and adoption. You're young and while I don't know your exact state of health, you're healthy enough to be working so I presume it's at least in the field of possibility that you are well enough to raise a child, and have some money coming in.

I'm 33 and while I could possibly get pregnant, I am far too severely disabled to be able to raise a child. I have severe ME/CFIDS, which is one of the most disabling medical conditions in existence. I'm almost entirely housebound, frequently bedbound, struggle with basic washing and getting enough food, and absolutely broke. It is theoretically possible that a cure for my medical condition could turn up in the next few years, but that's extremely unlikely, let alone the cure turning up so fast that it would get through trialling while I'm still young enough to have kids. It's also theoretically possible that I could spontaneously recover, but after 14 years of illness during which I have steadily deteriorated, I'm incredibly unlikely to recover and there's a growing chance that I could die from it. My biggest accomplishment this year was going to a friend's garden party two weeks ago, and after spending several hours sitting around with the noise and activity levels of young children, I was exhausted for the next week and am still recovering.

And you know what? I haven't given up hope. Yes, it's all very unlikely, but it's not out of the question that I will attain a partial recovery one of these years, and that my partner and I will have enough money to deal with the added costs of raising a child and a disability. He's younger than I am, which gives us more time. I also know other people with severe disabilities (not as badly off as I am in some crucial areas including fatigue, but one of them has incredibly bad pain levels) who are raising children. The one with the extreme pain couldn't have children herself, both because her genetic material wouldn't be safe and because bearing a child would kill her, but she and her husband have a healthy toddler through egg donation and surrogacy. Admittedly that child will probably lose her mother young, as the life expectancy with that medical condition is poor, but that's another issue, and the father is in good health.

I'm not trying to play disability oneupmanship here, I'm trying to show that it's possible to have kids with a lot more going on than you have. It doesn't mean that any of it is necessarily easy, and I realise that assisted reproduction is time-consuming, stressful and madly expensive, but please do not give up hope at the age of 21.

[SMSDREAMER2007]

Esofia - I understand what you are saying and yes after some drama from her last night I think I will be looking for a new job. I know that through other means I can have kids however, with the price tag on most of them its nearly impossible for me. I grew up very poor and have a ton of student debt. I cant afford egg donation, assisted reproduction etc. Yes adoption is there and I am not against it, I know lots of kids need a loving home it's just the struggle of knowing I myself might never be able to bear children one of the basic things my body is supposed to do...it makes me feel...broken. as far as your disability I am so sorry I hope the miracle cue does come along.

[chickadee32]

DREAMER, I'm really very sorry to hear of these issues, and I'm so sorry you've been feeling so down - and that this "friend" is being so incredibly insensitive.

I do very much know how you've been feeling, as I'm right there myself. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half with no success, while watching friends and family all around us get pregnant like it was the easiest thing in the world. The day I saw the positive pregnancy test I was shaking and crying with shock and joy, and it still makes me cry to think about it. It turned into a month of h*ll as I first went through a D&C for a miscarriage, then three ER visits and two hosital stays for severe abdominal pain, before finally having a very complicated laparotomy last week for an ectopic pregnancy during which I bled heavily and required blood transfusions. The cause of all of this - my infertility, the ectopic pregnancy, the difficult surgery - is severe endometriosis, which I didn't know I had until I woke up from the surgery last week. When the doctor spoke to me after the surgery, he told me that my husband and I cannot conceive naturally, as the risk for another ectopic pregnancy is very high and another abdominal surgery would be very dangerous for me. Our only option for a pregnancy is IVF, and even that carries a lot of risk for us.

I felt like I woke up from surgery in a completely different world, one in which a normal pregnancy wasn't an option for me any more, a world in which I might never bear a child. It is something I had worried about for years (long before we began trying to get pregnant), and now it's my reality. Unbelievably, when my best friend of 15 years came to visit two days after I got out of the hospital, she spent the entire time talking about her young son, showing me his 18-month photos, and telling me that they've been trying to get pregnant for the last 3 months and are distressed that it hasn't happened yet. I was floored, and didn't even know what to say to her. After trying for 18 months to get pregnant, and after just going through the loss of a pregnancy that was never viable, and a few days after I found out that it's likely I'll never have children, and while facing several weeks of recovery from the surgery that showed extensive scarring and ahesions to my reproductive organs and that involved the removal of one of my fallopian tubes... she's talking to me about the milestones with her child that I might never experience, and complaining about not getting pregnant after 3 months of trying??? I wanted to scream, but didn't; I spent the rest of the day in tears instead. She must have no freaking idea how insensitive she was being - that's the only explanation I can come up with.

Your friend is being even more insensitive; and beyond just this particular instance, she sounds like a terrible "friend". I've known people with that kind of personality (whatever issue you are experiencing, they have it worse; and whatever happiness you are sharing, theirs is so much better), and they are simply not worth your time. I know it's complicated by her being your boss, but if there is a way to remove her from your life (seeking a new job, or switching to a different manager, or just avoiding her as much as possible and discussing nothing personal with her) I would do so.

On the reproductive front, try to focus on the fact that you still do have time. Just because assisted reproduction is out of the question financially right now does not mean that you won't be able to afford it in 2 years, or in 5 years, or in 10 years. I know that it is outrageously expensive, and I too have a lot of student debt (still, at the age of 32!), but after nearly 10 years in my career my husband and I are in a very different place financially than we were in our early, mid and late 20s. If my doctor will allow it and the fertility office is willing, we'll make IVF happen financially one way or another - even though it will mean giving up on a lot of other plans. You, too, may very well be in a much different place financially in another few years where assisted reproduction will be an option for you.

It's not fair that we have to go through this emotional and physical pain, and it's not fair that children come so easily for other people - including those who just don't seem to deserve them. And I completely understand what it feels like to be "broken", and the frustration of not being able to do anything about it. I think the best things you can do for yourself right now are to get the toxic "friend" out of your life and focus on getting yourself as healthy as possible. Whatever you go through in the future, being the healthiest you can possibly manage will only serve to help you. You have lost a ton of weight and are moving in the right direction; keep focused on those health goals, and know that things may look a little brighter in the future.

I wish you all the best.

[SMSDREAMER2007]

thanks chickadee! so sorry to hear that happened to you...glad to know someone understands where I am coming from tho, not so happy it has to come at the expense of you going through what im going through..

[marie81]

Hi SMSDREAMER2007, i will be honest i didnt read the whole thread so if i am going over things sorry.
You are doing the right thing by getting your self healthy 1st and foremost well done on your loss so far
My sister who is 25 has PCOS and is about to have her 1st baby any day now. she like you was told the chances of getting pregnant was slim but these things do happen, she has had a up and down pregnancy but its nearly over now. mericals do happen.
did your doctors or health care people advise you on all the options open to you?
How long where you trying before? it took me 2 years to fall with my 2nd child, sometimes it just don't happen over night.
I can never have anymore children as cancer ate away most of my child bearing parts but i am alive so that the main thing. me and my husband have looked in to all kind of ways to have a 3rd iv had IVF but my body couldn't hold the pregnancy so we have looked into adoption and fostering there really is so much out there.
as astrophe said mothering is mothering biological or not, dont get to hung up on having your own a child if you can give a child happiness and love it doesnt matter who or where they came from.

Good luck in it all

XX

[SMSDREAMER2007]

Thanks for the support marie

[SMSDREAMER2007]

Just an update. **** hit the fan today that "friend" decided to be too demanding for my taste so I Cut off all ties with her. Thankfully I have the means to be able to quit my job and wait for school to start. I can't nor do I want to handle that in my life. Thank you all for you support!

[foodmasochist]

i am also suffering secondary infertility. have one from a first marriage, but when i got married again, i didn't know i couldn't have more. my DD is getting older and i am unable to have more. i know i am blessed to have one, but i wanted you guys to know you are not alone. Infertility-i seem OK with most of the time(and i am) but it does pop up its head and make me sad from time to time. we looked into adoption but have decided we are probably just going to raise this one and be done. Adoption is not an easy or cheap route. *hugs* to my sisters suffering through this as well. And congrats to the OP for getting this chick out of your life -fm