Depression and Weight IssuesHave you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!
DietVet - Thank you. Its definitely something I am considering. Of course, just like every other girl it seems, I keep thinking "what can I do better to make him more interested?" etc.
Martini.......I have been in the same position that you are and in fact I still am in that spot of trying to figure out why my partner is no sexually active with me. I have tried those things that you have as well. To no avail. And if it does work once, then that night is great, but come the next day he expects me to take the initiative and do it all over again. I am sorry, I need to feel desired too. AND as far as losing the weight before someone will be attracted to you, I do understand how you feel. My current bf has actually put on a little more weight than I have in this relationship and he has absolutely no drive to lose it nor to be healthy. Therefore, the more I try to get myself back to the fit, healthy individual that I was before I lost myself, the more I seem to wonder why I would want him to be attracted to me after I have put in all the work and effort to eat right, exercise, etc. I mean, if he doesnt like me now at 175 lbs, but would want to have sex with me at 140......maybe I will not want to share when I get to that weight!
I'm not married (yet), but I can definitely say that somewhere after 220ish pounds I started feeling extremely unsexy. That happened a little after breaking up with my first boyfriend 4 years ago, when I moved from a size 18 to a size 20, and just tried to ignore everything concerning weight. I don't know what it is, but I guess going from a size in the teens to a size in the twenties was a slap in the face.
I met my current boyfriend when I was about 230 pounds and he always says (even now) how sexy I look and how much I turn him on etc, but I just have this horrible reaction to him saying those things. It's a real mood killer and I'm hoping that this won't turn into something where I'm never happy with how I look again because I do think that it's sexy to be voluptuous (especially like the lingerie models from the Lane Bryant catalog).
I also have a really low drive because of the pill, so I guess it just doesn't bother me super often but once in a while it will, especially when my girlfriends are talking about their amazing sexploits.
I think this is the the thing though: sexual desire in long term relationships doesn't have anything to do with physical attraction. The physical attraction couples have in the beginning wears off--even when everyone is thin and gorgeous. It's about the emotional connection and the deeper attraction to one another.
I'm just speculating and pontificating here, but I conclude from this that these guys aren't losing their desire for sex because you've gained weight. They might not like the weight gain (I don't like my weight gain either!) but that really shouldn't change their actual feelings for you, nor their desire to be intimate. Something else is going on: they have low sex drive, they are less interested in the relationship than they were, or blah, blah, blah.
The thing is not to internalize it and let the situation make YOU feel worse about yourself and your body. Just because a guy checks out of a relationship, for whatever reason, doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, or that you should automatically work harder to please him or engage his interest. Men just aren't that great or important.
Some of these stories make me really sad. It did make me just text my partner to tell him that I love him, and to thank him for always making me feel attractive even though I definitely don't feel like I am. I have mixed feelings on the whole "You can't love someone else until you love yourself" thing, but I do wonder how many are just putting up with being treated poorly just because they don't want to be alone, or don't think they can do better. I've always actually preferred being single, especially when not feeling so confident, but I will always say it's better to be single than to settle. You're already unhappy with yourself, why stay with someone who just compounds that??
I would have to say that I didn't truly understand the concept of "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" until I actually DID love myself.
It is better to be single than settle. However, over the course of a lifetime things change and people change--situations change. Not everyone that lands up in an unhealthy relationship started off that way. In other words, **** happens! I am of the thought that people throw in the towel way too quickly on relationships--not ever realizing it is more about THEM rather than their partner. Once you focus inward, perception and REALITY changes!
Being stressy or tired from work or whatever... it happens and that's normal. So's having kids and that making a dent in couple time or getting older or what have you. But despite all these things the couples adjust and still enjoy each other.
But totally shut down libido problems and not communicating with partner? That has a longer lasting impact on the relationship. Why aren't they taking care of themselves? Why are they not talking to their partners? Why not have a physical? Maybe it's depression or wacky hormones or whatever.
You know... something that can be addressed. And why the cuddle cut off? Physical intimacy doesn't have to be full on sex.
In the case of my bf, he is on a type of anti-depressant, but this all started way before he went on that. There have been constact excuses now that I think about it for the last year. Stressed about work, stressed about his family, etc etc.
And as far as why the cuddling has gone away? I honestly do not know. Other than the fact that I beleive I am coming to the realization that it just doesnt matter to him. If its not something that he craves then it doesnt matter.
DietVet - I think you are very right. I know couples who have been together for 15-20 years and still have wonderful love lives. They are still flirty with each other, and act like they cannot get enough of each other. I envy them for that. But I do believe that it moves from just a physical attraction to an actual "long term lust" for their partner. Oh to be so lucky.
In the case of my bf, he is on a type of anti-depressant, but this all started way before he went on that. There have been constact excuses now that I think about it for the last year. Stressed about work, stressed about his family, etc etc.
And as far as why the cuddling has gone away? I honestly do not know. Other than the fact that I beleive I am coming to the realization that it just doesnt matter to him. If its not something that he craves then it doesnt matter.
DietVet - I think you are very right. I know couples who have been together for 15-20 years and still have wonderful love lives. They are still flirty with each other, and act like they cannot get enough of each other. I envy them for that. But I do believe that it moves from just a physical attraction to an actual "long term lust" for their partner. Oh to be so lucky.
you CAN be that lucky, just maybe not with that particular guy...and yes, it DOES matter even if it doesnt matter to HIM...it still matters to you and he should be able to do something as easy as that even if it doesnt matter to him
example: i am SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC that it's crazy...i dont even like tight necklines on shirts or jeans that restrict movement...but my DH likes to cuddle with me and hold me very tight at night...he's much taller and heavier than me and stronger, and it makes me somewhat claustrophobic, i feel "pinned" but i deal with those feelings because it matters to HIM...i love to cuddle with him too but i still feel very claustrophobic...the point is, he COULD cuddle with you also even if it doesnt matter to him and he SHOULD be
Okay, I think you ladies are all giving great advice...but I want to flip this question around and ask it differently.
...In my situation, I'm the one who doesn't want the intimacy. I don't want to be held, hugged, touched (except for occasional hand holding), or even really kissed. I don't know why, and I feel awful about it. I know it's not a confidence thing...and I know my boyfriend thinks I'm sexy...but it's like I've just entirely lost the drive. Nothing has really changed...I'm on the same BC that i've been on for years...I guess the only thing is that I have to have my gallbladder out in a couple of weeks, but that couldn't cause this right? I just feel like I'm pushing him away and he's an incredible guy and my best friend and I love him to death and I just can't figure out what's wrong. I think part of it is that our living situations aren't the greatest. I still live with my parents (who don't mind if he sleeps over but if they caught us without clothes on we would both be dead), and he lives with 4 other guys and the walls are super thin and his roommates are ALWAYS there....and his bed is SUPER squeaky. Like you roll over and everyone in the house can hear it. I'm not tiny and he's 100 pounds more then I am...and that's not a problem either, except for the fact that we can't do it on the floor because his knees hurt if i'm on bottom and my knees don't even touch the floor if i'm on top. Idk. Maybe that's causing part of the problem. I'm just so confused and I don't want to lose him. =/
DF, are you on anti-depressants or other medication aside from your birth control? Also, are you guys intimate and physically affectionate in other, non-sexual ways (hand holding, couch cuddling, kisses)?
He hasn't complained, but he's really shy about that kind of stuff so I don't honestly think that he would....even if it was driving him crazy. I'm not on any other medications but I do know that my (untreated since like middle school but getting worse and i should probably go see someone) severe ADHD is probably playing a part. There have been times where we started with foreplay and we would never get anywhere because I would keep getting distracted and then just not be in the mood anymore. We do hold hands, especially in the car and walking around...and I wouldn't say we CUDDLE on the couch....but I usually lay down with my head on his lap or something and he puts his arm around me....we do kiss, but nothing more then a peck in a few months at least. I just don't know what's going on. =/
I mean he's great. He'll come up behind me when I'm cooking and rub my shoulders...he'll tell me how much he loves me and how incredible i am....he'll give me massages when my back hurts (although he's terrible at them and I don't have the heart to tell him. It's the thought that counts, right? lol). He's so incredible and I have no clue why I can't get past this barrier in my mind. I can't make myself want to be intimate with him. I've tried faking it and it just didn't work, he could tell I wasn't really there and I just felt weird. Idk. I just want to be able to be intimate with the man I love...who has been my best friend for 8 years and my boyfriend for close to 2 years now. I just want to fix this...
i definetly did for a while. we would ave intamate excursions with lights on. but now that im open and working on my self wow our sex life is a million times better! i have been with my bf for 3 years and 3months ago is when i finally told him my weight. it was a load off my shoulders. : ) and hes so supportive and makes sure to tell me he loves me either way but he supports me because its what i want.
There is somethng "magical" about the 200 lb mark for me - when I was over that weight, I was so ashamed of myself for letting myself get that big that I didn't want my husband to see me naked. We didn't have sex very often, and I always wore a shirt or nightgown to cover my fat rolls.
But as I've gotten more active and lost some weight, I've been more comfortable with how I look and we have sex much more frequently (as often as a 9 month old baby will alllow, haha). I am not really c;lsoe to where I want to be, but there is something about solidly being on the journey (and being on an effective med) that is working for me.
I have such an intensely high sex drive that my weight has never stopped me. My problem is that DH has gained weight and he is nervous about me seeing him naked. Every advance I make on him is usually shot down and it's so frustrating It feels like no matter what I do he's still too scared. Heck - I weigh 320 and he's only 240 (about 40 lbs overweight) those numbers alone bother me sometimes, but not enough to give up sex!
I've also noticed in the getting it up department that stress, weight gain, and too much masturbation have all caused issues with DH. What worked for us during this period when he could not keep it up was for me to tell him that if we were not having sex, then I wanted an amazing back rub. After which I would cuddle up next to him and thank him for the relaxing rub. It really broke the cycle and took the pressure off of him. We are still not to the level of sex that I want (4+ times a week...) but we are on our way there.
It feels like no matter what I do he's still too scared. Heck - I weigh 320 and he's only 240 (about 40 lbs overweight) those numbers alone bother me sometimes, but not enough to give up sex! 
