Depression and Weight IssuesHave you been diagnosed with depression, are possibly on depression medication, and find it affects your weight loss efforts? Post here for support!
...but he explained to me that he doesn't really value an orgasm to enjoy sex and that isn't the exciting part for him... which I have to say, is still hard for me to get my head around that, but I'll try.
My husband has told me this as well. It's hard for me to swallow too, I've never heard of a man who doesn't care for cumming, but I know that he truly is enjoying the sex. Like someone else wrote the lead up to the sex can be just as good as an orgasm itself. I don't always have to reach climax to feel great about the sex we just had, so why should he?
To answer your initial question though, I'm not happy with the way I look. I would personally not be attracted to myself, but I don't feel uncomfortable being naked around my husband. We have sex with the light on or off. I initiate sex far more often than he does, and it bothers me, but we've talked about it, and he's working on it. He's explained to me that he's simply never had anyone to talk about sex with, and he's not comfortable with the subject whereas I've had plenty of conversations about sex with my peers and am open to discuss these issues. I'm pushing him and he's reciprocating, which makes me happy.
He does initiate other types of touch though, sometimes I don't necessarily appreciate them, like holding my hand and/or putting his arm around me while we walk in super humid and hot weather (the sweat is unbearable). These types of touch are almost always initiated by him. So, I guess we initiate the type of touch that we're most comfortable initiating and depend on each other to fulfill our other needs.
This Saturday will be our 4th anniversary, and I couldn't be happier!
Tough stuff! I love sex and I can not imagine not having it as a part of my life with my husband. I will be strait with all of you though- we don't have it as much as we used to not directly because of the weight (he put on the pounds right along with me) but because we are tired---in part because of the weight. We are both working on that together.
Sex is not everything BUT you have to have some form of intimacy with your partner- if it were me I would drag his butt kicking and sreaming to a counselor/doc ---tell him you need his help---it's about your relationship and many of you hit it on the head COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION--I wish you the best
I too am engaged. No I dont have a problem with him seeing me I have a prooblem with the actions... I feel like it can't be enjoyable to him because there is so much fat in the way.... We haven't done anything in a long while, he says it is him because he too has gained weight, and I believe that to be partially true because I have NOT gained weight or lost it I am the same as I was when we met, but I also believe that since the newness of us has worn off now he has realized that he isnt comfortable. I dont like being on top because I feel hugh and he doesnt like to be behind me so that doesnt leave many options and it sucks.
Well, my husband is very supportive, kind, and open with me. He tells me often (and without prompting) that he thinks I'm sexy/attractive/beautiful, but I do still have issues with how I look naked. I feel like my stomach looks like a droopy peppermint, and I'm not too fond of my *ahem* "dimples", either. I look at my husband (who is a big guy) and I realize that his imperfections are not unattractive to me and don't make me desire him any less, but I still feel some embarrassment- and I'm not sure that's a bad thing, necessarily.
I think, for me, if I got to the point where I wasn't self-conscious, it would almost be a point where I didn't care what he thought of me. Some of you have posted that you are confident about your bare-nekkid looks, which is awesome, but for me, I just don't think that's how I work. Blame it on a repressed childhood or the patriarchy, but I still don't think my fat looks fabulous or that my stretch marks are beautiful. It's sort of the same thing as me not wanting him to hear me fart (or smell it!)- because I just want to keep some of the mystery alive, some of the small deceptions we all engage in when relationships are new. I don't think I need to be ok with having sex under fluorescent lights with a mirror on the ceiling right now to have a satisfying, confident sex life. I feel more confident and sexual when I'm in a cute nightie, with my tummy covered and a little bit of bust support. I think it makes me more likely to be able to focus on the sensations and the experience. As we've been together longer, I'm getting more and more comfortable with the idea of baring it all more often and in less flattering poses, but it has happened gradually and I think that's kept the spark alive, to some extent, and my getting more and more comfortable with it has helped us both realize that our relationship is growing and changing. So, all that to say that if you don't feel sexy naked, maybe don't be naked?
Most men don't care!!! If you are naked.......that is sexy enough for them. We are the ones who see the flaws, they see a beautiful woman without clothes on.
My FIance and I rarely have sex anymore. I have body image problems and he is a sexual camel. I think he is almost asexual. It is frustrating because he is my best friend but lately we have not been having any intimacy at all. Last night after he fell asleep I put my arms around him and he actually shuffled away from me in his sleep. It makes me feel very low and confused.
That's not good KJ. Physical intimacy (non-sexual) is really important. Is this something you can talk to him about and something you can work on together? Or might you want to re-think your plans for your future?
So, all that to say that if you don't feel sexy naked, maybe don't be naked?
You make a really good point, Dezzie.
I think there's a difference between "I prefer to wear something that highlights my best features as it minimizes the parts I don't like as much" and "I can only enjoy sex if I'm partially covered." There's a middle ground between having to keep the lights off and going at it with harsh fluorescent lighting emphasizing every curve and bulge. Someone who might prefer the lights off, but doesn't say no to a morning romp with sunlight filtering in through the curtains probably doesn't have anything to worry about; someone who would otherwise be interested, but denies herself because of that little bit of soft light might want to work on her comfort levels.
I guess that's the key: how often do you wind up saying no because of body discomfort? If it's often, then finding ways to move past that will let both partners enjoy more intimacy. If it rarely happens, then it sounds like you're already at a good comfort level that doesn't deny you or your guy.
I am finding myself in the same sort of prediciment as a few of you here, and though I am not "happy" for anyone to be in this spot, its nice to know that I am not the only one. My bf and I have been living together for a year and a half now. I have gained about 10-15 lbs since we started dating, he has gained 30 or so. After a few months of living together, the love life slacked off a little bit, but About six months ago, sex pretty much stopped. We do not hardly cuddle in bed, never cuddle on the couch anymore. He likes his space, wants to lay down and be comfortable and deosnt like to cuddle in bed because he gets too warm. I have talked to him about this and basically he feels that if I want "any" that I have to make the first move. Well, I have done that. I even booked us a weekend at our favorite romantic hotel over Valentines Day. Other than that, nothing. He simply will not instigate anything. And I have gotten to the point where I feel as though he isnt attracted to me. He says that he is, but that he wants to feel desired to, therefore wants me to do all of the initiating. Heck, I havent gotten more than a "peck" out of him in the kissing department in months.
So frustrated and confused. I asked him why it was that he never gets the "urge". He said that guys always wanting sex is something that I must have learned from watching soap operas. ****, I dont even watch soap operas. :-(
Oh boo. That's too bad Peaches. It might be time to move on, no? He doesn't even sound like he's interested in having a good relationship or in making you happy. Time to kick him to the curb!
darling they dnt usually care as much as u think when thy love u it doesnt really matter what size u r, but if ur trying to get healthy do it 4 u but learn to love ur self at any size
Martini- I understand where you're coming from. If you don't mind me asking, though, were the relationships with men who were also heavy? If they were, perhaps it had less to do with you and more to do with them. Every time I have lived with a guy, he has gained a LOT of weight pretty quickly. If that's what happened, maybe they were having trouble with their own delicate male systems and self-esteem. Still, feeling so rejected must have been very painful.
As far as the celibacy is concerned, I think that's great to be mindful of deserving something more than a one-night-stand. But I think you should keep in mind that YOU are the one who has decided to wait for your goal weight. There are probably plenty of guys right now who would love a shot with you, but you've already decided that they would just want a roll in the hay if you are over 150 lbs. To be fair, I noticed that my relationships were more substantial and real when I was bigger than when I was smaller (I was 130 lbs at some point in the distant past). In my experience, the men who wanted to be with me at my higher weights were the ones who could look past the physical and see my personality, the ones who were with me when I was skinny just wanted a roll in the hay. So, maybe open yourself up to it. I think it's great and positive to say that you will *not* sleep with a guy unless he is legitimately interested in you, but that doesn't mean you have to wait for an arbitrary number. It also doesn't mean that if you *do* wait until you're 150, all of a sudden Prince Charming will show up at your doorstep with a bunch of roses. Hold out for the right guy, not the "right" weight.
I have talked to him about the lack of sex thing. He says that he just has no sex drive. He feels unattractive because of his teeth being messed up, and feels fat because he gained 10 pounds. I wanted to kill him...10 pounds?! I have to loose 60 pounds and he is feeling boo hooey over 10.
I told him if he spent a 1/3 of the time he does on playing video games, spending time with me we might have a better relationship.
He rolled his eyes at me. If i had my own job and means of supporting myself I would probably move out and just focus on me. But we have a dog together, house together, car together..all he has to do is have more sex, most guys would LOVE the idea that their women wanted ex everyday!
