Alright, so. After a 6 month plateau and a huge amount of stress that included my apprenticeship STILL not starting (I doubt it ever will. Every artist in this state refuses to let me be a tattoo artist because I'd be competition), my other apprenticeship making me gain a little weight due to trying to keep me there at all times without promised pay, job search and commissions fizzling out and still being poor....I made a dumb decision to go back on completely on a new plan. Lickety split.

To cover things, I am a compulsive over eater, occasional binger, emotional eater and a food sneaker. When I get too poor or low on food (or even when not) I panic and would sneak little tidbits from the roommates food or graze from my own stock late at night/early morning. Or change from their savings jar for cigarettes, ramen, chocolate. Fast food. You name it. I'm also horribly depressed with a body image so poor it's damned near dissociative. Like between my neck and my body there is a mental disconnect. I close my eyes when I walk by mirrors. That's how bad it is.

I made the mistake of going suddenly on the South Beach diet. I guess I wanted something I could control back in my life like when I was faithful to Sparkpeople for 5 months. And I'm usually of the mindset that a lifestyle change, moderation and food logging is better than a diet but I wanted to "jumpstart" my weight loss, go to Phase two and then let phase 3 be the Spark diet. But, I'm not...stable. Or, maybe that's not the right word. I'm depressed, eating disordered and my situation is not stable. I have too many worries, I'm always getting hounded for something, I'm "On call" for a job at a senior care center but the ***** didnt even contact me to go to Orientation-- etcetera, etcetera.


Needless to say all of this and having gone grocery shopping finally with what little money I got from my last days at the shop and I think maybe a flash of my huge pannus in the full length mirror on our bathroom door triggered me. Hard. I was literally at war with my brain- being triggered to binge, depressed, self loathing and slightly suicidal all at once. So I ate three quesadillas with mozzarella, cheddar and chicken breast bits I did this at 6 am. I'm still fullish though I did down 24 ounces of water with lemon to try and avoid any more binging or emotional grazing. :/ They were not huge nor had much chicken in them and maybe two servings of shredded cheese, but I still bawled afterward. I even went to an online Overeaters Anonymous meeting and cried through that, too. In the end I don't think I want to go back to one (even online)not only because I am an Atheist...and even besides that, it seemed cultish. No offense, but if I can't take it seriously, it wont help me.

I know the general consensus would be to ditch the SBD plan and focus on moderation (that's what I plan on doing. Spark diet is way more manageable for me) instead of restriction. But ...is it really? Should I be doing -anything- weight wise in such a fragile state or is this the best time? Even just for food logging? I wont go back to junk food. It'll just get wasted and unless I have it every now and then I either feel like dirt on a stick after wolfing it down (disgusting) in front of people at record speed or I stare at it. Or even if I eat it slowly, it makes me sick. I also have GERD. (I'm also too poor most of the time to afford healthy things. Not a lot of people would be interested in my illustrations unless they were comic nerds.)

So, any other depressed/ED folks out there have some advice for me? I'm sorely hurtin' for some. For serious.

First, I want to extend some serious hugs.

It sounds like you're going through a whole heckuva lot right now, and I'm really sorry to hear it.

From reading through your post, my first thoughts were that it's probably not the best time to focus on the food part of the problems, because there are other things going on.

If you have access to a professional or therapist this is the time to be in contact with them. There are free (or nearly free) services that can be found in many cities if money is an issue.

Just to be clear about one thing, Overeaters Anonymous is not a religious group. The higher power they speak of can be taken many ways, and often atheists have used the 'power of the group together' to be their higher power. I cannot speak to the "cultish" aspect, as I did once try OA... but found it wasn't quite how I needed to look at weight loss personally.

In the end, I'm more concerned about the overall you, than just the eating. Which is why I suggest trying to find a professional to speak with who can help determine best type of treatment in order for you to be able to do better for yourself.

More ...because I can see right now this is not easy.

Thanks

I dunno, I keep looking online for any kind of therapy or counseling for depression or ED related stuff in Louisville, Ky and I can't find a thing. Unless it's for people with money/insurance.

I would -love- to get some help, honestly. ):

Most places will take patients on a sliding fee scale base. My sister has used this. She doesn't pay much because her income is so small. Might be worth asking about. Also if your income is low enough, will you qualify for Medicaid/Medicare?

You have a lot going on.

I was in those shoes once... no insurance, broke student, etc.

I wasn't at a place where I could go see a professional -- counselor, doctor, dietitian, whoever. This was before my formal dx's of PCOS/IR/hypothyorid/Syndrome X. All I knew was that I was stressed, felt terrible, knew SOMETHING was the matter with me.

And I determined that ok, fine. I was not at a place where I could get more help...YET. And I promised myself that as soon as I could I would.

And in the MEANWHILE, I could do the things that were free -- go swim in the apartment pool, keep a food log, try to make obvious changes like less soda more water, and take multivitamin daily. Check things out from my library.

I think even if you feel fragile -- keeping a journal would be a good start. Just don't put crazy expectations on yourself... go one thing at a time.

And really do try to seek out help. AND... is there school near you? Because if all you have to be is a student to access the student health center services... maybe that's one way to do it? Or check out Planned Parenthood if you can have a physical there.

GL!
A.

I took your advice and started a journal. Well, a new and fresh one where I strictly forbid myself from negative self talk and all.

Let's hope it works. Things are still pretty brutal. I can't even find enough commissions to pay my $200 rent. And I only have ten days. >.<