Officially on Meds.
 

I've been depressed for YEARS...my whole life it seems. Lately I've been holding up okay. Then my bf of 3.5 years came out of the closet and broke up with me last year. Still best friends. I'm not over him. Now he started having sex with men and expects me to be happy for him. That sent me over the edge. I started cutting myself for the 1st time ever. I thought of suicide and how it would just make me float away and never feel this pain ever again. After a week of crying and never sleeping, my doc put me on Wellbutrin. We'd spoken about it before as it helps those who are trying to lose weight (and helps those with eating disorders, bonus!) and now that I have a job with insurance I can afford it. I know I should seek counseling at some point, but it's hard enough for me to admit i need medicinal help.

Last time I was here I was pretty active in the 5K threads and I found that being here really boosted my self esteem. I'm going to start running again Monday (woman issues hopefully resolved by then) and i hope that gets the endorphins working.

Since I'm new to Wellbutrin (It's been 7 days since I started) I'm not sure what to expect with it. I can't seem to sleep so i changed the dosing time to 1pm when i go to lunch. I can sleep better now. I don't find myself very hungry but i don't know if that's just my sadness. And I can't cry. Sometimes all I want to do is sit and cry but it's so much effort to scrunch up my face.

I don't know how I feel knowing that in a little file in my docs office there's a line that says "depression." I always knew I was but my mother refused to get me help as a kid/teen. And now I have proof from a dr that I *am*. It's scary and calming.

I don't know. I just wanted to talk to someone and I no longer have many friends since I only leave the house for work and the store. I'm so tired of being sad and putting on a fake face. I'm glad to be here with you all though. Thanks for reading!!!

Wow, that had to be really difficult to go through with your ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I take Wellbutrin too and I find it helps me. I'm on it for the 2nd time around, the 1st time the higher dose made mildly manicky, but this time on a low dose I don't feel that way. It does help me out a lot. The only unpleasant side effect I have had with it is dry mouth. It lifts my mood somewhat and I feel less depressed. I hope it helps you too. :)

Hopefully someone like a therapist or counselor can help you with the cutting. That is really serious, dangerous stuff. I hope you can get the help that you need for that.

Hang in there!

:hug:

Thanks, seabiscuit! I get dry mouth too! So far it's really helping me.

Cutting myself was REALLY STUPID. Even as I did it I said "this is the dumbest thing I have ever done" and I've done some dumb things. I will NOT be doing that again. I just couldn't handle my ex bf telling me what he had done with some random guy... I am still so in love with him. It's really difficult. But I'm dealing with it better now that I've talked to him about it and started taking meds. He said it's a crutch but it's something that I unfortunately really need right now.

You know what? I actually feel like a normal person.

:hug:

I'm not a doctor (and I don't claim to be) but Wellbutrin doesn't seem like it would have much of an impact on someone who is that depressed. I was on it when I had to quit smoking before my weight loss and I felt hardly any effect. Maybe you should see a psychiatrist to see if their is not something a little more aimed towards what you are doing to yourself.

Their somebody out there for you, don't give up and certainly don't fixate on this guy. I know its hard, but it will get better. Life is made up of little moments and though it seems like this guy was the one, their will be more. :)

Hi Jeannette,

I use wellbutrin also and found that it took at least a couple of weeks to 'level out' and feel consistently better. In my case it was very helpful, much better than the SSRI I had tried previously.

When I read this
my gut reaction was that him telling you about his intimate encounters was cruel and his judgement about your medication doesn't sound very supportive.

There can be people in our lives who we care about, even love, and we can still choose to limit contact with them (amount of time, behaviors, topics of conversation, etc.) in order to protect ourselves and sense of well-being.

I've had to do that. It was hard at first. It felt selfish and mean, but in the end, I felt better and the relationship did continue and in many ways I believe we are both better for it.

It's something to think about... Maybe mull it over with another friend or a counselor to get perspective from someone who really knows you?

Peace and best wishes,
-Snap

Medicine is not a crutch! Please don't ever believe anyone who tells you that. I've been on and off anit-depressants and anti-anxiety medication for a while, and I know it's hard at first to accept it and to get the help you need, but in the long run you will feel so much better! When I first sought help, and told my parents I had problems (after dropping out of school), my parents were very judgmental and tried to talk me out of the medication; not listening to them was the best thing I've ever done, and talking to them about my issues helped them accept the fact that depression is an actual illness, not just a made-up condition.

Through counseling and medication, I have learned to manage my problems (I have panic Disorder, Depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), and now, a year after first seeking help, I am happier and more secure with myself than I have ever been in my life. Therapy can be scary at first; I almost walked out of the waiting room about 6 times while waiting for my first appointment, but in the end it was nice to have someone to open up to who was removed from my life and wasn't there to judge me or try to control me.

I agree with the above post that sometimes, even though it's hard, the people who make you feel worse about yourself are not worth keeping around. This of course, is a case-by-case type of thing, and you need to do what you feel is best for yourself and your future.

Welcome back, and keep your head up, dear. You'll do great! (And kudos/good luck on the 5k stuff! That's gotta take some serious commitment; I envy you!)

Maybe it's a placebo effect then, because since taking it I feel calm, I've stopped crying constantly and I feel like I can get out of bed in the morning. Also, I've completely stopped binging (which has been a problem since I was 11...I was bulimic from 11-23 or so). I used to go to counseling as a kid, but my doc was creepy and made me feel uncomfortable. Hopefully when I make more money I'll be able to afford it though! :)

I really appreciate your kind words!!!! *bighugs!!* My ex and I have been best friends for years. I've been the only one supportive of his lifestyle and maybe it was my fault, but he didn't realize that I was still in love with him. We've talked about it at length and right now I'm not ready to hear about that part of his life. I'm a huge gay lover (I have scads of gay friends that would do anything for me and I for them) and I thought I could handle it, but...right now I can't. He's living in Korea right now teaching English to little kids so I won't see him for another year. We talk/email every day but it's not the same as seeing him so hopefully that helps. :) And lately I've been able to stop talking to him at an appropriate hour.

Erica: Thank you! I have only had a chance to do one 5K in real life (not just on the treadmill LOL) but it was so much fun. Unfortunately I've been ill-ish (TMI Alert: I've had my period for 31 straight days) so going to the gym is impossible. Right now I'm on heavy doses of synthetic estrogen to try to stop the bleeding and I hope to be back to normal in a week. then I can start running again.

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts, concerns and well-wishes. It makes me so happy. I don't have anyone to vent to (my ex is me vent-ee) and so you guys have made me really think about things. <3

i'm on wellbutrin and it does help. i'm also losing weight because my doctor says it has a small appetite suppressant in it.

as far as wellbutrin for smoking i beleive there are two kinds, the name brand for smoking is zyban. btw i smoke and it hasn't helped me cut the smoking in the least.

hope it helps. my doctor says they start you on the lowest dose and can go up if need be. so keep your doctor informed of how your doing.