I am so upset...
 

I feel myself churning inside. I just screamed at the kids, ate a bunch of junk, and now I'm crying...

I am so upset about my Dad. My family has a history of nutcases and one of the things is strange behavior when older. The person doesn't lose memory or anything, they just sorta give up on life. When I was a teenager I watched my GreatAunt go to bed and just stay there... she withered away to nothing and died. Now its happening to my dad. He had an accident last year, is 73 yrs old, and has Parkinsons. One of the things the doctor and internet says is key is exercise and activity, but he isn't trying. My mom is isn't much help, it's like she's an enabler.

I know I've got this personality problem already, and I know this is going to happen to me wehn I get older. I've never been able to stick to and finish anything: college, diets, exercising, decorating a room, etc etc. The only reason the kids are alive is because they've learned to yell loud when I forget about them. I just plopped down a wad of cash today on a gym membership and a new study bible. Probably a waste of money; I'm not going to stick with either.

I have to ask WHY should I bother? Why drive myself bonkers over food and my appearance. Who cares if I lose 5 pounds or 50 if I'm just going to get old and crazy? And iit's not like I can even make it happen, I just don't think there's any hope that I will be able to change myself or my life. What hope is there for my kids? I am full of despair.

Hi Marleah,

I think the holiday season has to be one of the toughest going for many many people. I had a particularly rough Christmas Eve, yesterday wasn't so hot, and today wasn't a whole lot better. Seems to be something about the season.

I may be off base here, but have you had a long serious chat with your doctor? The despair you feel could be indicitive of something that can treated. Despair can be a sign of depression... but it can be a sign of other things too.. like just plain old being overwhelmed... but you really need to discuss this with your doctor. If you have access to counselling services, that may help too. In every thing that happens, there is a bright light somewhere.

I hope you will call your doctor tomorrow. And if you don't feel you are getting satisfaction there, try another. *hug*

Marleah you are not alone!

Hang in there!

Liz

Hi Marleah,
Ignore me if you need to (ok?). Anyway, my Dad died this year at age 81 and my mom died 7 years ago at age 71. Cut yourself some slack.....you are legitimately grieving.
I have a family history of depression and have struggled with it for years (off/on counseling and off/on medications). Some of us do have more of an uphill climb emotionally. It is just the way we are "wired" I think. It is unfair, but it is what it is. There are other positive things about the way we are "wired" too, but we are usually to down to notice them. The people who love us notice them. That is why they love us.
You love your kids and you love God (why else would you buy a Bible?).
You might consider counseling (talk about wasting money..ha) and trying some medications. Some have actually lenghthened my short fuse!
You don't have to follow the dysfunctional family pattern.

Marleah,

Why should you care ? Well if you don't who will ? What about your kids ? Do you want them to lose their mommy at an early age ? No RIGHT !! of course not, me either, I am the same as you, I never finish anything either. If you don't start something and at least try you will never know. And by the way, the new Bible is the best place to start. We are not suposed to worry for anything except give all our worries to Jesus. We can do all things in Christ who strengthens us, please remember that. I'm sorry this post is a little late.

We can not push people to do things they do not want to do, all of us here know this to be true (especially weight loss) so you trying to push your dad or mom to do something is only frustrating you and your family, kids, etc.... The best thing you can do for them is to be there for them and PRAY !

You really don't know 100% for sure if you are going to have what your parents have ? or if you do, at what degree (doctors don't even know, only God does, remember doctors are only PRACTICING physicians). Maybe taking better care of yourself NOW will help. We today know so much more about health than our parents. How about starting out there, educate yourself more on the diseases and what you can do to help possibly prevent them? Talk to your dad's doctor and ask questions....hey Marleah it can't hurt you know.

Your a sweet person and you are worth the effort, we all are and I know you agree :)

Besides, if you didn't care you wouldn't have gone to the effort of buying a gym membership and a new BIBLE !! you go girl !!

We will be here for you too.....as my good friend LindaT says, we are not going to be perfect at this, nobody is, we just have to keep trying, and trying.

Huggs and kisses to you my friend.

Love, Leenie :chef:

Thank you all... I am still slugging it out with myself. All my usual tricks to jumpstart myself aren't working. I get myself going for a few hours and fall apart again.

I think I DO need to go see my therapist again, it has been a year. And try to talk to my husband. Gotta keep trying, huh...

Marleah
 

:( I feel ya on the giving up thing ..... I am desperately clinging to care by one thin thread . Hope is all I have . Hope that I may find a way through all this pain and torment . My family also has mental illness problems . My Great Aunt commited suicide ... depression is a hereditary thing here . I am eating myself into a heart attack and yet nothing makes me want to stop .. other then the fact that it just might not kill me and Ill be paralyzed on one side for the rest of my miserable life . I hate my marriage and I just got married .... My mom and dad barely know I exist and we live only 15 mins from eachother ... my brother hates me allthough he doesnt know why and I have nothing but this big fat body to claim as what I have to show in life ... AHHHH ... so the only thing I can submit now is .... I was dsepressed and down because I had no shoes .....UNTIL ... I met a woman with no feet !!!! Ya know what I mean ??????? I have it bad you have it bad but maybe you can find some twisted comfort in knowing that someone else could possibly have it way way worse . Sorry for rambling .... Lona

Lona, you are so right. I beat myself up because what have I got to be depressed about anyways. There are SOOO many people much worse off.

One of the "tricks" I mentioned is to think about other people and their problems, and give them a hand. A Christmas tradition for me is to "give" someone 3 hours. I'll do whatever they need -- cook dinner, babysit, wrap presents, run errands; this year I took care of their Christmas cards. Of course one year I couldn't find anyone who needed the time worse than me, lol. So I gave it to myself... put my feet up and had some tea!

I did talk to my husband today, cried, and completely depressed him. So whoopee now I have company. :dizzy: Something else to feel guilty about.

Hope you feel better, Lona.

Marleah,

This time of year isn't easy & if there is depression there....it's all the more that it is so hard for us. I come from a family that has depression & manic depression in it. So I wonder too about what is in the future. All we can do is take one day at a time.

It takes time to grieve....it doesn't happen all at once. It might help to have counselling again. I haven't been doing that great over this holiday season either. I will have a few days of feeling good....then more days of feeling sad & also crying. I think it does help to come here & get our feelings out.

Are you on medication....I can't remember if you are?

Before I found this place....there was no one to talk to about this depression.....except once in a while I would talk to my DH. So maybe you can come here when you feel bad.

April

Marleah,
Im so glad you could share with your husband.. your lucky that way .. i could be in the floor having a major kaniption n my hubby would be like awww youll be fine and never take his eyes off the tube . Im having major chest pains at the moment mixed with anxiety feelings right now and thought I would come n see if you were doing any better . Im so sad . I ate way more then I should of ... we got take out from Campbells Kitchen and they have schnitzel and also burgogi and i got burgogi ... they always give you bunches and i never EVER finish a plate ... only half then I get the rest in the frig for a mid night snack ( which I know is bad) . But tonight I was so upset I gorged myself and I feel absolutley aweful . Why do I do this to myself??? i can Hope tomorrow will be better . Im gonna try n not eat anything bad . Matbe Ill ask my hubby to get me some good fruit ... something I like . ::::sigh:::: Well Marleah hope you have a better day too !!! Bye for now !

Marleah - don't give up hope!
You have turned to 2 of the most important things I know of to help you - the Bible and getting some exercise - both of those are very important for your well being. Neither were a waste of money!!!! use them both! they will only help!!!!!

My son has a chemical imbalance and I know for certain that I would not be able to handle all of this without my relationship with the Lord and His Word to comfort me and guide me and speak to me!

And the exercise always helps me too! :-)

Keep looking to Him,
Cathy

In my search for weight loss and peace, I joined OverEaters Anonymous and attended for several years. I didn't lose, but I did manage to maintain during that time.

The point of this post is, that the program (a 12 step one) gave me hope and a new way of thinking. I still pull out my books now and then.

I've copied their opening from their website and I'll post the site here too. I hope this is ok to do here.

__________________________________________________ __

Overeaters Anonymous offers a program of recovery from compulsive overeating using the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of OA. Worldwide meetings and other tools provide a fellowship of experience, strength and hope where members respect one another's anonymity. OA charges no dues or fees; it is self-supporting through member contributions.

Unlike other organizations, OA is not just about weight loss, obesity or diets; it addresses physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. It is not a religious organization and does not promote any particular diet. To address weight loss, OA encourages members to develop a food plan with a health care professional and a sponsor. If you want to stop your compulsive eating, welcome to Overeaters Anonymous.

__________________________________________________ __

And here's the website: http://www.overeatersanonymous.org/

Ditto's Girls.

But one thing for sure with me, is the more I feel sorry for myself (which I guess I do ALOT) the more I gain. Its a hard thing to snap out of.

Huggs to you all ....

Hi everyone,
This is a bit of a subject change, but not entirely. I had almost 2 "on program" days, then I was up late talking to a friend "problem solving" and I just started snacking, and snacking, and.......
I've been "snacking" for two days. Bummer.
I couldn't sleep last night so at 4 am I watched Tim Russert interview Al Roper who had the gastric bypass. Whoa! what a major operation that is! But for him it was the answer. For me, I shall have to try this the old fashioned way.
Thanks for the OA info. Like someone said, we have to stay alive for our kids. Ten years ago I almost forgot that. Anyway, on another subject, when the extended family relationships are real tangled there is usually a lot of stuff we don't know about and when we do find out we realize 99.9% of the negative stuff has nothing to do with us. (Too bad we couldn't know that at the beginning!)
It means a lot to have you all to talk too. Thanks!

I don't know if this has to do with anything....as I sit here crying....as the tears run down my face. I am so sad today. I don't want to do anything...even the thought of trying to think about what to have for supper....is too much. I asked my DH if he can think about what we can have for supper....maybe he will make it too. Eating doesn't appeal to me at all....except....maybe a cookie or 2 or 3 or 4.

I have no interest in anything....it seems....DH is going to see Lord of the Rings tomorrow with DS3 & his GF. I can't....have a hair appt....even if I didn't....I seem to have no interest in seeing it....I did months ago when I heard about it.

On Tuesday....I have an appointment with mental health. I have never felt this sad before in the years past.

April

Thanks for the support!

I am feeling better tonight. Even at church this morning I was feeling bad, but afterwards I said "Why not" and I took my girls out for lunch and we went to the grocery store together for fun (ages 2 & 9). I don't do stuff like that to relax enough and decided I wouldn't have a timetable or push today. Walked for a mile later, I think the sun helped.

I have made (temporary) peace inside myself about my parents and that was a big step. They have their own lives to live (or not) and I have mine to screw up; I'm not responsible for them. And I stepped back a bit from the volunteer work I do instead of taking on more responsibility like I had planned. Not worth it!

Lona, my husband finally figured out that my problems did indeed affect him and the sooner he tried to help or listen, the better his life would be. So now he tries.

Oh April, I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I hope you can get a nice long hot bath or shower and get comfy with a book or TV. Something YOU like. Get more sleep sleep sleep, and stop thinking. I hope you are feeling better soon, maybe Tues will help.

Hang in there April
 

You are gonna to have to just ride it out....let us know how your appointment goes....I have days like that too, more so years ago and I have just learned when they hit I have to get through them and wait for the sun to come out...it always does.....hang in there and keep in touch!

Liz

Marleah you are not alone. I have a family, too, that has many problems. I lost my only sibling to suicide four years ago. I'm now dealing with sickly, elderly parents. My family has not been emotionally right for years. They have now found out that depression has genetic links. There is counseling and medication out there. I agree with all the above people get a doctor's appointment as soon as possible.

You have to care about yourself first, you are important.

I had been really down for a while too. Did a search on depression, PMS, etc. and came across a herb called 5htp. I thought it sounded to good to be true, so I researched & researched it and never found anything bad on it just all really good stuff! So I went to the vitamin/herb store and I honestly can say it IS & DOES EVERYTHING it claimed! Basically in a nut shell it raises the serotonin levels in your brain in a non chemical way. Its fantastic! The only 'bad' side effect I could find was nausea, but I've never had it. I can take it on an empty stomach & have not once felt naseaus. All I can say is I highly reccommend it! Run a search on it... you'll see!

Hmmm..it sound's like there is lots of depression around here so i am not alone :lol: don't mean to make light of it but sometimes it's the only thing to do..i get very weepy at christmas time mainly due to the fact that all my family live in England :( although i talk to them on the phone it will never take the place of being able to hug them :cry: i've lived in Canada for the past eight and a half years and the only person i've got here is my hubby..he is alway's working or doing something with his friends so i spend a lot of time alone :( no matter how i try i cannot make him understand that he is all i've got here and the only reason i've got to stay..he is the only person i talk to (if i am talking to him) when i get up of a morning..the only other human contact i have is with the checkout girl when i go shopping :cry: i sometimes retreat into my shell when i'm depressed and refuse to talk or cook for him for day's..i hate that..hormone's have a lot to answer for :mad: anyway, in a nutshell you don't have to suffer in silence..i went to the doctor's 18mths ago about another matter and while i was talking to him i burst out crying :rolleyes: he was very understanding and put me on a 6wk course of Paxil..i did'nt complete the course it gave me severe headaches and i did'nt like the "out of it" feeling but since then i've tried other over the counter remedies and i'm feeling much better due to 5HTP..St John's Wort did'nt help or Valerian or Kava-Kava but this is...please get some help if not for your sake for your children's :D

P.S. me and babewannabe have not got shares in this product we've just both found something that works for us (grin)

Cat90.....In a way....I am in your situation. DH & I moved out west in 1971 with one son. Since then we had 2 more sons. I have no one here but DH & DS3. Two of our sons live out of town....one in Victoria & one in Port Coquitlam. We have never gone to see my birth family at Christmas. Most Christmasses have not been good since we moved here. I talk to some of my family on the phone.....but it's not the same as being there. They all visit each other over the holidays. I just don't have that here.

You say that you just have your DH there where you live....do you work....or are you at home? Maybe it would help to join something to meet people. I did that & made friends. I still see some of those people. We meet for coffee every week.

I find it real hard at times....this thing about seeing people. It seems friends come & go. They are never like family. I come from from a large French Canadian family. They are all really close knit. Maybe it is because there are 6 females & only one male. The girls are really close. It's the closeness that I miss. It has never been like that here.

I am sure part of the reason for my depression is that I don't have any of my birth family here.

Hang in there. I find it helps to come to this thread & get my feelings out. So come back often.

April

Hi April...thanks for the support :D I don't work..have never been able to find any apart from cleaning and i don't want to do that..I would love a part time job just to get out of the house and to meet other people but i don't think that is going to happen i don't even get a reply to any of the applications i send out :( we are quite isolated we live on a 10 acre parcel so the only company i have are the deer's and rabbit's :lol: my only 'friends' are the ones i have online and i am so grateful to be able to come here and chat with you all. :wave: