I feel so alone...
 

It's been a rough couple of days for me. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I just feel so alone.

I have my husband and my kids who are super supportive in everything I do but it's hard knowing there isn't a friend you can call, text or just lean on when you feel like crap or even want to vent about your husband doing something silly (y'know... regular marital crap).

I think it really hit home this week as every time we make plans it falls on to my husband to contact his friends if we want to be social. Even at work I don't have anyone to talk to. My immediate area has 5 people including me - four are constantly out for meetings and training that doesn't pertain to me so they're always doing things together. Yesterday at meetings I was already sitting in my seat, another came in and sat across the room (no big deal) but then another sat with him and another. My boss (one of the five) also sat with them. It probably wasn't even intentional, it just hammered home the feelings I already have. There were many other departments there (probably 30 people in total) and no one else sat by me either. Walking out, everyone was chatting with each other except me.

I actually had such horrible thoughts on the way home about how worthless I am, that my husband and kids could do so much better. I got home and went to my room and just cried. I just don't have anything in common with anyone around me. I work in finance with a bunch of really square people and I am anything but.

I don't even know where I'm going with this post - maybe I just needed an emotional release. I just hurt so much this week and cannot wait for today to be over.

Can you put yourself out there more instead of seeing if folks come to sit with you, to find something that you'd want to sit near and exchange pleasantries/chat before and after the meeting? Someone that you might want to meet up with for lunch- anyone at all that you might strike up a friendship with - be proactive instead of waiting for someone to come to you. it's hard for some people, but if you're not happy with the way things are now, you need to find small ways in which to initiate change. Can you think of some people that you might like to get together with - someone in another area of your life other than work, and you could work to develop that friendship? You're not valued based on the company you keep, you're valued on who YOU are ... Are there other areas of your life - neighbors, older friends, etc. that you might engage? Volunteer friends? Other moms of your children's friends?

What else has made this a rough week for you? I'm sorry if you've already laid that out here and I'm asking you to rehash...

I was at the meeting before everyone else so it would have felt akward to get up and move after others came in. I would have had to disturb everyone packing and unpacking my stuff again.

There really isn't anyone here I'd go to lunch with or would go to lunch with me. In addition, everyone eats in their own offices or goes out/home by themselves or with non-work people. No one utlizes the break room for lunch.

Unfortunately, it seems like I hit roadblocks every where I turn to find any sort of companionship. The parents at my kids daycare/preschool are all snobs. It's a very rich group but it's the best school. We're on one income and can't really afford it but make sacrifices. So they tend to look down on us because we can't buy this, don't drive that car, etc. Our neighborhood is mostly renters without kids or old folks (and by old, I mean 70 or 80 plus).

I don't have the time currently to do much else besides work and take care of my kids. It's a struggle to get to the gym (I go after 9pm). My husband's school schedule is way hectic this semester and is killing me. The days he doesn't have class he has to work on all of his projects.

If I had extra time, everything I enjoy isn't the best at attracting female friends. I can make male friends all day long but unless they're married or in a serious relationship I don't really want to persue it. It just feels awkward being friends with single men as a married woman.

I'm thinking that I'll go back and finish my degree for something I actually enjoy in two or three years when my husband's finished. I'm sure I'll meet people with similiar interests (as we'd all be persuing the same degree) but it doesn't help in the meantime.

I guess I'm just trying to hang on and not lose it until I have more time and more outlets to meet types that I can stand. I think I could make "friends" for the sake of having "friends" but I'd have to be a different person than I am to not turn them off. I don't think most around me at the moment (work, daycare, etc) could be a true, understanding friend and compromising who I am that much just doesn't seem worth it.

:hug::hug: and more :hug: It's so hard to be surrounded by people you don't mesh well with....I know the feeling. I used to take my kids to schools where I would try to be social with the moms at pick up and drop off and I just couldn't blend in with them. I felt that I had to though because of my son...he needed to have playdates, etc. So I kept trying. It felt terrible and I felt rejected because I was new. People think that chatting with someone for a few seconds and then moving on to their real friend is friendly enough but usually, they don't try to go out of their way to make sure everyone is feeling included.

I ended up moving again and now, I have a close group of friends. What am I trying to say? Sometimes, it can actually be rough. It's hard not to internalize their actions but really, they're not rejecting you...they're just hanging out with whoever they think they have the most in common with.

My point? You need to find some people you have something in common with and it can't really be forced. I think it's important to just smile a lot. Not only does it make you seem friendlier and open to conversation, but it also releases endorphins in your brain that actually make you happier! Yes, I've actually read that in a study.

So, think of what you like and enjoy and try to go out there and find related activities. For instance, if you like to read, you could join a book club. If you like to workout, go to a gym or a community center that has aerobics classes such as Zumba where people are usually very friends. Once you meet someone nice, you can ask them to join you for coffee. It's kind of like dating. ;) You can ask someone if they'd want to exchange numbers, etc..but definitely not on the first meeting. So, if I was at a class, I'd ask someone if they've taken it before, how they liked it, which days do they go, etc. I'd sit next to someone that seems friendly, you know?

I met most of my friends through my kids so see if you can get involved at school for projects. Join the PTA.

Another thing is....what about your hubby's friends. Are they married? If they are, why not call one of the wives and ask her to join you for lunch?

Sorry this got so long! If you ever wanna discuss more feel free to PM me.

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

Well, forget what I said about the gym thing and the PTA thing. I will say that maybe you could go to the gym on the weekends while your hubby is home? I'd recommend a yoga class? I can't imagine anyone being horrible at yoga! ;)

If your interests are more with males, then that's tough. I'd say you should cherish your relationship with your husband.....that's the one I cherish the most. :)

Hey Muffin, I feel for you! Maybe take another look at the daycare moms. Just my looking you may think of me as a snob, nice house, car, ect. but I am such an introvert, just a quiet person in general and it takes me awhile to warm up to people. How about joining a group, club, church or the gym? What hobbies do you like and find like minded people or a small craft group. How about joining a TOPS (take off pounds sensibly) group in your area? Last time I looked, which was awhile ago, it was around $10 to join---for a year! Hang in there! Are you staying on track with your new, healthy lifestyle? I know I feel like crap about myself and the self pity starts to seep in when I am not on plan. Best of luck!:hug:

The fact that your husband is in school does NOT mean that you have to take care of everything else in the household.

Shame on him for making you feel that way.

Do NOT wait until he is out of school to do what is best for you. Then, he will be starting a new job, etc. It will NEVER be the right time for you to do what you want to do.

You already support the family financially. Unless he has some sort of job in addition to classes, he needs to step up and do most of the housekeeping/child care/shopping/cooking.

Then, you get to go the gym AND get a hobby (book club, whatever) that you enjoy. You will meet lots of nice people and get time to relax and enjoy yourself!

Hi, just a few suggestions. I belong to weight watchers, go to meetings, and no one there is unfriendly, we are all there for the same reason. Also I go to my daughter's gymnastics practices regularly, and sit there the whole time. I didn't use to do this. By doing this, other parents are forced to talk to you, LOL, which has helped me greatly make friends. Also, a dog really helps! See if there is a dog park near you, if you have a dog. Any club through church would most likely work, since people there are not in a mindset to be rejecting (at least they shouldn't be!) Good luck. Also, remember that depression itself makes us feel alone, hurt, rejected some of the time (it did for me.) So unless your depression is more under control, you might continue to have some of these feelings. Really hoping you can get the meds adjusted for that.

:hug: I totally relate... I have a great boyfriend but he's really my only close relation on this side of the country... no good advice but I wanted to offer my sympathies. It is HARD to make connections, but keep trying! I've been at it for awhile myself - someday we will meet with success.

I have no suggestions- just overwhelming empathy. As cliche as it sounds, hang in there. You are loved.

I was depressed for a long time a few years ago. I never left my house. My friends were faceless people I chatted with when I played on-line poker. I was thankful, however, that I had people at work that I was friends with but we never hung out outside of work. I joined a site called meetup.com. There are many different social groups you can join and the group leader coordinates all of the events. You just pick one and show up! I was nervous at first to attend but I found that everyone was a first timer at one point or another and made me feel so welcomed and comfortable. I do not go to many events anymore as the people I have met have become friends and we now do our own thing.

I think I know how you feel :(
I alienated everyone during the worst years of my depression and now I only have my boyfriend's friends who know me and they wonder openly where MY friends are when we go out...
I know now though that my feeling that nobody else is like me or that I can't relate in anything with others was my personal issue, not the world's. Perhaps it is the same with you? Perhaps you too give up too easily on others like I did (and still do often)?
First impression isn't everything and perhaps people don't know where to put you if you seem secluded and brooding. It is tragic that most times people that feel alone and sad give out an aura of "wanting" to be alone to strangers. Sitting nervously alone will probably make others think "Oh she wants to have some time to herself" rather than "Oh I should go talk to her".
I'm really sorry if my advice sounds hurtful or unfair. This realization helped me get over the majority of my social problems over the last year. Perhaps it can help you, perhaps not.

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I am also at WW, many of my friends call it their mini support group. If you cannot afford WW, try TOPS. Have you thought of some sort of study group, like a book club-- try Barnes and Nobles. As was mentioned earlier, you need to move yourself further up the ladder. I was where you are now not so long ago. It is a scary place. I contemplated how much better off my family would be without me. That scared me enough that I got help and therapy and meds. The most telling moment for me was when the dog, and I were looking out the window for the school bus. She and I started walking. We talked to people along the way and made some friends. Make a list of your friends and acquantences and then start calling them-- one a day? Good luck and come back here.

Hi Muffin
It took allot for you to come here and tell us what is going on in your life. Thank you for letting us know.
Firstly, I have always found the 3FC are here and WANT to hear you, even if it seems trivial or no one will care or even if you feel that that people will judge you. WE WONT.
All the ladies above have made some wonderful suggestions, from what I'm hearing you sound like you feel you have no supports. WW is a great place where people will listen, you might want to talk to the leader by yourself, they are there to help and may have some ideas about places to seek some more supports for you.
The most important thing is PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone. I know it might sound silly but your doctor would be a good start, there may be reasons you are feeling this way, hormone imbalance, diabetes or something that your doctor might be able to help with. It may be that there are just too many things building up right now.
Ether way you have said that you would like someone to listen. We'd like to know what's going on.
Kitty

XLMuffnTop, I know so much how you feel. I get these feelings all the time, because all I have is my husband, parents, and brother. No one else. I had good friends in school, but none of them keep in touch (except for a sentence or two on FB, and even then I have to initiate the conversation. I always said, real friends that want talk to you/like being around you, will initiate the conversation/approach you at least once in a while, but no one ever does with me ... not even at church).

So I know exactly how you feel. So, hey, if you ever want to talk, send me a message. Maybe we could chat sometime.