Family = Depression Rant/Vent

  • Sometimes I wonder why I’m so depressed and why I binge and then I remember == my family!
    So, I am a middle child and ever since we were children my sister always had “issues” my parents had to focus on. I was always the smart, top of the class, quiet, problem solver or mediator. Hence my eating disorder, I figured if there was something wrong with me then I would get attention. WRONG there was always something worse in my sister’s life. Fast forward to today, my sister was married and had a little girl who sadly passed away at the age of four (five years ago) to add to it she went through a bad divorce too. So my parents signed over their house and pay $800 of the mortgage and she lives there and pays $400 on mortgage but no utilities. And they help her out with everything, she and I are very close. However, we disagree on many things one being our parents. She always has it in for my mother, always. Today she announced to me that she is sick of living with them and is looking for her own place. Problem is that my parents cannot afford to pay that $400 that she gives them and if she leaves then they will be out on the street and she knows this. She is afraid to tell them and instead is picking fights with my mother so she can have an excuse to leave. I feel terrible for my mom cause she worships the ground my sister walks on, she would give her life. And this is how she treats her. I cannot say anything to my sister because once I tried and she wouldn’t talk to me for a month. Now I don’t know if I should warn my mother? Should I tell her what my sister is up to or not? This is the root of all my problems, this is why I am depressed and take medication. I am so stressed for my parents because they will be devastated. I know these boards are for weight loss issues so forgive me but I just need to write it out and get if off my chest. Thanks for listening.
  • Wow. That's a lot to deal with. I would say, yes, you should tell your mom, but I don't really know. Sorry you're dealing with such a complicated issue.
  • You can not solve this problem. It's between your sister and your mother. I don't know them, but they're both getting SOMETHING out of this messed up dynamic or one of them would change it. Next time your sister starts in, you need tell her - I love you both and I want you both to be happy. Please leave me out of it and DO NOT LISTEN.

    You should NOT be in the position of having secrets from either your sister OR your mother. You can not win - you can't even change things. Your sister and mother are both going to do whatever it is they're going to do, and putting you in the position of having extra information is just not fair.

    Last, it's a shame your parents have made a financial commitment that involves your sister but really, do you expect her to live with them forever? Do they? That's not how it works. Still, not for you to get involved. Practice saying, I love you but I don't want to be involved and then SAY IT.

    Good luck. Family is hard.
  • So..before they signed over the house they could afford the mortgage? Not really the issue but... If she leaves she should sign it back so they can access the equity if there is some. I agree- not your problem. Keeping secrets hurts the keeper so telling your sis this is unacceptable to ask you to keep a secret seems reasonable. As this all relates to food & depression though - this sounds like a situational downer more than medical depression. If you have a therapist or can access one please do. Handling stress with food is common and handling situational depression with food is as well - but as noted by others there is dysfunction in the family existing so it is not just this one situation. Food is not the problem or the answer.
  • Personally I'd tell my mom- I wouldn't want my sister to screw her over that way after all they've done to help her. Seriously your sister sounds ungrateful.

    As for that $400 a month- if she lives in one room and your parents are strapped I'd consider renting out the room, specially if you live nearby to a college or university, a student would definitely be willing to pay for a room in a nearby area. I used to pay $500 a month for a room and my own bathroom in this woman's house. I also paid 1/3 of the utilities, it worked out well for me and I was close enough to walk to campus.
  • Thanks for the help everyone! I admit my relationship with my sister is sometimes toxic for me but I would never tell her that.
    Our family has been through so much, we have had very highs and the last few years very lows. We always get through it with the help of God.
    I guess I have concluded that I will not say anything and let things just play out. I can't FIX this, I always try to fix things and this time I'm staying out of it.
    Thank you to everyone who responded, it helped me get through it.