This ended up longer than I expected, but I hope someone will be able to help?

Today, I went back to college for the first time in two weeks.

I've been avoiding going in, half because I constantly feel sick, in pain and bloated, and partly because of how depressed being bloated etc makes me feel.

Long story about that short: I don't know what's medically wrong and no doctor seems to be able to give a diagnosis. Constipation is part of the problem, so I've started a high fibre diet but so far the results seem to be very tiny.

So anyway, while walking to college today, I felt my stomach twist and a lump form in my throat. I was ridiculously anxious about going back. In fact, I had the same feeling of anxiety when I went to my old school, where I was pretty much alone in my last year because all my friends had dropped out.

At college, I found myself randomly tearing up, feeling completely useless and upset about the work I was doing. It felt like I couldn't paint anymore, like I'd lost all my talent at my favourite subject. It was insanely overwhelming, and even though everyone was asking where I'd been and saying that they'd missed me, I felt like I didn't belong there, like I didn't deserve to belong there. I hate the way I look because I'm always bloated. I feel like I'm hideous and fat, and all sorts of other things to do with my appearance and constantly compare myself to the other girls. I feel like I lack the talent to be there; it's one of the top art foundations in London and I just looked at the painting I did today and thought about how crap it was compared to everyone else's.

I realised today that I've been feeling this way for a long, long time. Even before the bloating and all that started, just not as strongly. It's always felt like something massive was missing in my life (When I was younger, and fatter, I was essentially a soial recluse up until about 16. I also feel that I wasted most of my teenage years)

And I feel like I can't talk to anyone I come into contact with in my day to day life about it, not any of my friends or my family (I'm 18 and still live with my parents for now).

I seriously just don't know what to do. It feels like my life is pointless and over, and I'm only 18. I feel like if I don't get into the prestigious art school degree I've applied for, my life is over. I know that's ridiculous but I can't help feeling that way.

But I don't know what to say to my parents or to the tutors at college; do I ask for help or just leave it? Is anxiety/depression the cause of the pain and bloating I get when I eat and the chronic constipation or is it the other way round? Do I even HAVE these things or is it in my head?

All I know is now I feel pathetic because instead of going out tonight I'm sitting at home, drinking vodka, feeling fat and bloated, asking for help on a forum full of people I don't know. And thinking that none of this post probably makes any sense.

Hi Flamethrower - I admit I can't understand how you see yourself at 'fat' when you are 5'5" and 114, I think that is teeny-tiny ...BUT I know everyone's self-image is their own..I DO understand from your post that you are in pain and reaching out for help.

Going to school can be incredibly stressful of course, and if you're not feeling well, and anxious about your school work, then that is a big load. I would def suggest reaching out to your parents, or a trusted teacher at your school. Let them know what turmoil you're in. The worst reaction you could get from anyone, is 'its all in your head' so I would warn that is a rotten remark from anyone, and they are not helpful if anyone tells you that.

And I hope the high fiber diet helps, I hope you were also told to drink lots of water. Maybe your body needs a few weeks of that.

If you feel you can't reach out to your parents or a teacher, well sometimes it helps to keep yourself anonymous and 'unload' on an online forum. Besides here, I used to regularly post at a depression-only forum. I didn't tell them much about myself but I did unload on them

I also had depression while a teenager but not diagnosed. I'll tell you, when you are feeling better, life is great

Are you being treated for this depression and anxiety? Are you seeing a psychiatrist? I felt the same exact way, at your age. I got to a point where I spent all day, every day inside my parents' house, just surfing the Internet and hoping that one day I would miraculously feel better. I started going to therapy, but not for the depression and anxiety. I went there because it felt like I actually had a "friend" to talk to. I had someone who understood my problems, and it got me OUT of the house. Its sad that something as simple as driving to a place, whining for an hour, and then coming home made me feel so much better, but it DID. I'm not much older, but things get better for me every day. I think I'm growing out of it, honestly. I still have my days when I feel the depression, and the anxiety is always there, but it is BETTER. I also JUST started going to a psychiatrist for anxiety, about a month ago. She is helping me to gain the courage to get out and face the world, and she can prescribe medication to help with my panic attacks if I want it. (I'm definitely considering it.) If you're not going to a therapist of some sort, regularly, I'm suggesting that you try it out. Go a few times, and then decide whether or not you like it. You'd be surprised how much just having someone to whine to who makes you realize that you're NOT alone can help.

This is directed to both of you......Flame and Token.
Depression, Anxiety, ect can cause a LOT of physical symptoms. Really off the wall stuff so it wouldn't surprise me if your constipation is from stress, and the bloat could be from the constipation. I'n the opposite if I am anxious I go, go, go. But seriously - I have OCD, Panic Disorder, GAD and depression and I have had numb hands & lips, headaches, stiff muscles, fuzzy vision, constant (TMI lol) and even hives....its nuts the physical ways that psychological disorders can manifest themselves. I've been going to a therapist for almost 10 years now. I am on medication so I'm 99% in control - I get a bit of anxiety now and then but none of those full blown " just realized my parachute isn't going to open"moments. A lot of times we'll just talk about current events or something completely unrelated to whats inside my head. I do have plenty of people in my life but having someone who is completely non-judgemental is invaluable.
I am 38 now but when I was a kid I was the chubby one with buck teeth and glasses - I grew up in a rich town that my parents just happened to score a fixer upper house in - we weren't rich. I had pretty much no friends. I'd fake sick all the time to miss school. When I was at school I was picked on and teased. I'd stay up at night worrying about the fact that we'd be playing dodgeball in gym the next day and they would have to pick teams and I'd be last. Or if there was a class where you had to break into groups.....it was mortifying to walk around and go can I be in your group and have them say oh gee its full and then have the teacher stick me with a group. My saving grace was that we moved to a different town and state. I made friends but I was still that painfully shy person until my mid 20's. I started doing a home sale business (think Avon but thats not what it was) and I actually came out of my shell. People now can't believe I was ever shy but I wouldn't go anywhere by myself and I'd never walk in a door first or speak up about anything. Now I go to business conferences alone, I'll go to the mall alone if nobody else wants to go, I'll jump into a new situation....I think whats the worst that can happen its not going to kill me.
You are not alone, in my non-expert opinion you do have depression or something, and you need to get help. You have no idea how much having therapy and/or medication can change your life. I have 3 months of my life I literally do not remember because my anxiety was so bad. If only I'd known that no I was not going crazy and sought out help then I could have avoided a few more hellish years. I bet you are wonderful at your art, but when you are depressed everything is black, nothing looks good and everything sucks. There are probably even people around you that are potential friends but you are not seeing it because you see everyone as a threat right now - I know, I have been there. The worst thing you can do is not get help. Most (if not close to all) of the time something like this will not just resolve itself. Its not like your depressed because your goldfish died - this is something clinical that needs treatment. And if you are prescribed a medication TAKE IT! These things are caused by a chemical imbalance in our brains, we are not psycho or crazy. Too many people think its a sign of weakness to take something or that if they don't take anything then they don't have a problem. My thought on the matter is - if you had diabetes you'd take insulin to correct that chemical imbalance, how is this any different. You do have friends, you have all of us online. I am sure there is more people than me who have gone through this kind of thing and we can tell you that yes there is another side where the sun is shining and there is happiness.

Are there counseling services available at your school? That would be a good place to start. If not, ask your doctor to recommend a psychiatrist or other qualified counselor. The sooner you do this, the sooner you will feel better. You might also try calling the local help line - in the UK, it's the Samaritans, I think.

odonnela, thanks for that. The story of your past is EXACTLY what I went through. I know I'm getting the help I need, and I hope that everyone in our situation does the same. It may seem as if no one could help us, but they CAN, and they DO.

Thanks guys, particularly odonnela.

Thankfully I've calmed down a bit now.

The weird thing is, even though I get intensely anxious about going out and going the things I would have normally done - dressing up nice and going drinking, going to bars or clubs or gigs or whatever, I actually CRAVE that stuff because I get so damn lonely. I just don't want to do it thinking that I look disgusting and just want to be at home curled up in bed playing video games.

I was talking to one of my best friends earlier and managed to tell him about all this - maybe cus we were chatting over IM rather than face to face - and he said that even though I was telling him all this stuff about how I'm paranoid people will hate me and I'm nervous in social situations, he never would have guessed it, and he pointed out that I have loads of friends and that no one ever says bad things about me behind my back (which I was honestly surprised about, lol)

I think when my parents get home tomorrow I'll try to talk to them. There is a counselling service avaliable at the college; I already tried it, and they can only offer three sessions, which I already had and I never really managed to say what I wanted to say. I'm pretty useless at that kind of thing xD But I need to do something because both the physical stuff like the bloating and the mental stuff is ruling my life right now.

And I rambled again

I was searching threads and this caught my eye. Want to say that I hope you talked with your parents and I hope you are getting some help. Take care of yourself and please update here. (((((hugs)))))

I actually had to withdraw from school last year due to depression, anxiety, and other medical issues. Recently though I had a blood test that diagnosed a thyroid condition; in fact one of the major symptoms of hypothyroidism is depression! (I have many other symptoms that were textbook too, but the depression presented first.) If you have the resources, it can't hurt to ask your doctor for a simple blood test and you may be able to avoid antidepressant medication and unnecessary time suffering. I still see a psychologist MD and a counselor in addition to being treated with medication. It really is debilitating to wake up and feel like you're not good at the things you used to be. Talking to my parents was also VERY helpful so I highly encourage that. I really hope you feel better!