Hello everyone...I'm new here so I thought I should probably let you guys know a little more about me.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar when I was 17. And through the years..they've also added Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality.

The last 15 years have been ****. I've gained 150 pounds from my depression..lost all my friends..tried and failed to go to college three times. My self-esteem is non-existent. My self-hatred nearly overwhelming.

I haven't had a boyfriend in thirteen years. I've been alone (aside from my parents) for so long... I don't even remember what it's like to have friends or a boyfriend. But I am so ashamed of my weight that I hate to go out in public because I will be surrounded by reminders and evidence of everything I don't have. I see women my age with friends... boyfriends... husbands... children.

I have tried so many times to lose weight over the years. I've joined gyms...used work out videos...Weight Watchers...swimming...walking...but my emotional problems have always ruined every attempt I've ever made. I've almost come to look at my mental illness as a physical thing...completely separate from me that I am forced to live with...that is constantly working against me. Making it impossible for me to do anything. So after so many years of trying my hardest... giving it every thing I had... and still failing...I lost all hope. I reached rock bottom. And tried to force myself to accept that this will be my life... That I will die alone and never have anything remotely close to a "normal" life. I will never get to experience romance...dating... falling in love... marriage... sex.

That was about 6-8 months ago. I don’t really know what’s changed. Maybe I just needed an emotional break from beating myself up over failing all the time. I was emotionally exhausted. Hating yourself takes a lot out of you.

I am in the process now of trying to find a counselor that I can work with on a weekly basis.

I would like to have the Lap-band done but it seems I am too emotionally unstable for them to approve me right now. So that will be another one of my goals…to get stable enough to have the surgery.

Right now I am just taking it one day at a time. I tend to get discouraged easily because of my lack of self-esteem so I am trying not to set myself up for failure this time. My goal concerning exercise right now is to walk for at least 20-30 minutes every day. I also need to get control over my eating habits. I have terrible self-control when it comes to food, especially sweets. I’ve been a compulsive, emotional overeater for years so that is going to be difficult for me.

I am starting out by taking baby-steps. I replaced half my Diet Coke consumption with flavored water, stopped keeping sweets in the house, and replaced my snacks with fruits I enjoy. I will be paying attention to calories, but right now my biggest concern is portion control. Learning to eat like a normal person.

I just want to be able to get through the days without hating myself so much. I haven’t been living. I’m simply existing. And if things continue on the path they have been…I will end up completely hopeless, despondent, hospitalized, or worse.

For a pic of me check out my ABOUT page on my 3FC diet blog.
:-)

Hi Opelia,
You found a great place to be for all of your issues. Since you have been diagnosed bipolar, I assume you are on some kind of medication. If you are, perhaps there is something out there that would be a better fit for you. If you are not on medication, then you really need to find a psychiatric doc. Proper medication for a bipolar is everything. I have been bipolar for years but never properly diagnosed until October.
With my docs help we have found what I think is a good "cocktail" for me and I feel better than I ever have. I was verty good a self-medicating for years (my husband had about had it with me). I drank quite a bit (understatement). It never hindered my life, but it made things unpleasant.
Anyway, once I found the right cocktail, everything turned around. On New Years I drank Diet Coke the whole night until midnight and then I had 2 glasses of champagne. You can't imagine how proud I was of myself.
Sorry for rambling. You need to get your head straight first and then the other things will start falling into place. I have also done a lot better about exercising and eating right since I feel better.
Find a good therapist that you can live with. I only recently realized how different they can be. The one I have now is a no nonsense type who doesn't try to use psychobabble. She is very straight forward. In fact it was getting the appt. with her that got me to my pdoc. I saw my therapist first and then she got me the appt with the pdoc. Usually you have to wait weeks, but I saw this woman two days later.
I know how desperately you want to change your life. I've been there. Truly I have. Find someone who can help you mentally and emotionally, then work on the physical. You might be surprised to find out that when you feel better. You said that hating yourself can take a lot out of you. I have found out that hating anyone can take a lot out of you (that's a whole other story). I know how bad your hurt. If I can help at all, PLEASE let me know. I'd be happy to help.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice! It means a lot to me.

I am on medication. I have been for nearly 15 years. I recently switched because my old meds, that I had been on for about ten years, no longer worked as well. So I have managed to find another mixture that works well for me know.
My biggest problem is taking them regulary. Which is something I have been working on for the past few months. I still have occasional days where I forget but they are getting fewer and fewer as I get used to having better habits.
It really is amazing how much those meds affect my state of mind. I would be hopeless without them.

The way I've chosen to go about things is by looking at it as I need to start taking better care of myself. In just about every facet in my life. Which is something I will probably make a post about later and I'll also be talking about it in my diet journal and blog.

For me it's a self-esteem thing. My self hatred was so overwheming that I didn't bother to take care of myself in any way because it felt like I just wasn't worth it. That is a big part of my thinking that I am working on changing. And I believe I am making the right steps in that direction.

*hugs*

Ophelia,
So glad I could help. Im glad you're on meds since I know what a difference it can make. I currently take Lamictal and Wellbutrin. I tried the Lamictal alone, but it just didn't cut it. With the Wellbutrin, it kicks butt, at least for me. I also take Seroquel at night to help me sleep and I have realized that a good nights sleep goes a LONG way toward making me feel better.
I would say that after 15 years maybe your meds would need updating. I think that there are so many new meds out there now that are weight neutral. Another great site to visit is crazymeds.us. They have all sorts of information on psychiatric meds, anticonvulsants, etc. It's written in an informative way, but totally understandable. There is also a great forum there to ask questions and get info.
I think you have a great plan. Only do what you can handle regarding exercise and dieting. I hope that you can get help with the self esteem. I am finally starting to realize that I'm not as bad as I thought all these years. Go figure. Best of luck and PLEASE keep me posted.

Sue