Hello,

I thank in advance anyone who braves this post. I just don't know what to do, I just need some advice, some help. I'm lost.

I'm bipolar. Have been for a while now. I take seroquel and wellbutrin, and they seem to work fine. Obviously, I have my ups and downs and I accept that. However, for the last week I've really, really fallen into a bad place.

I am doiing weight watchers with success as well, but I don't know...I don't know what to do anymore. It's not about me trying tolose wieght although that is part of it. I just feel like a huge burden on those around me. I have absolutely no self esteem or confidence. I can go out and have fun, but that's also because I'm distracted from what I perceive as my failures and short comings. I feel like I don't measure up. Im not thin, pretty, smart, funny, active, whatever enough. I am sick of putting my life on hold until I reach these standards I may never meet. I do need to lose weight, but I don't justs feel pudgy. I feel pregnant! I feel horrible. I am trying to take an active role here to get myself to feel better. This is effecting my quality of life. I'm not able to see a counselor/p-doc because of insurance and cost. I'm not always this way but it is something I revisit often. How does one increase thier self esteem and confidence? Should I fake it until I make it?

We moved here about a year ago, and I have some people I hang out w/ socially but no close friends. My family is 6 hours away. It's just my husband and I and I hate to lay all this on him. I feel like someone is goign to find me out.That Im not that good at my job, etc. That I'm not the person they thought I was.

Then to find out that one of my ex coworkers would trash me to everyone else in the office when I wasn't there...that's great! And the new Dr. I work with occaionally won't even talk to me! He'll talk to everyone else, but not me, even if I make it obvious I am listening and ready to help.

I just hate being this way. I realise that with anything, this isn't an easy road, but I don't even know where to start.
It is amazing how our self perception and confidence effects everything else.
TMI:: Our sex life is squat now because of how i feel about myself. I feel hideous so of course i don't want to get busy with the lights on!

I'm rambling, and i appreciate anyone who can offer any help, even just words of encouragement. I just don't know what to do....

A few days ago, I took 2 seroquel in the morning before going to work. I was supposed to have taken the wellbutrin. I had a minor overdose. I barely was able to drive the two miles to work. I would stumble and trip, like aI was walking thru quicksand. I couldn't talk, my words would slurr. I slept it off in the breakroom. Later i read that if I had taken too many ( I took 600 mg in 12 hours, rather than just 200 ), I could have put myself to sleep like an animal is put to sleep. Scary? Yeah.What's scarier is that i wasn't as frightenned of that as I should be.

There. It's out there. I'm quite lost and confused, but trying adamantly to get myself out of this funk. When I amthis way I eat like a bulldozer. Everything and anything. I don't taste it.I just shovel it in...obviouslynot good in any respect.

Thanks again for letting me vent.

OG

I can't help but hear your concerns about what everyone else thinks or expects from you. Screw them. At the end of the day, you have to live w/ your choices and decisions. I think you need to concentrate more on your own opinions, because those are the only opinions you have any control over. And you do control them. I've learned that we can't control anyone else's actions or thoughts, only our own. I know you feel lost now, but the fact that you're still trying to work through these feelings shows that you're a survivor. Not a victim, a SURVIVOR.

I don't know what button I hit, but here's the continuation of above. How do you feel about religion? Some people find comfort in their clergy. Is that an option? My son is bipolar, and I can tell you that it takes a very strong person to deal with it. He is one of the strongest-willed people I know. Keep trucking along, I'm sending hugs your way (but don't know how to use the little animated thingies ).

Hi Optical Goddess. I had feelings like yours when I first got diagnosed with my schizo-affective disorder. It will get better, hang in there. At 5'7, 152lbs, you are at the right weight for your height. Could you be pregnant like you feel? Anyway, take care and God bless.

Thank you so much. I really needed the support. I'm doing better because I'm making an effort to do better.... I bought a new scale. A digital one. It's 5 lbs heavier but at least it's acurate and I know it.

Winning, what you said about me being a survivor and that it takes a strong person to deal w/ this illness resonated with me. It_is_ a crappy thing to deal with, but I look at it as a testament to myself that I'm trying not to let it get me down.

As far as my faith goes, I am spiritual. I don't go to church muchh since I've moved but I've gone to a very welcoming church twice. I also believe that sometimes stuff happens for a reason, to strengthen my faith or cause me to re-evaluate things...

Thank you both again for taking the time to read my post and reply. I know it's kind of a 'what do I say?' type of thing. I just needed to vent. .

The next person to post is gonna be Dr. Phil wanting me on his show..

OG, I have a great workbook here that my psychologist gave me. It's a "self esteem" workbook. I would be more than happy to try to type you up some lessons and helpful pointers, if you think you might have time to read it. Thankfully my insurance covers therapy, otherwise I would never have tried it. The important thing to keep in mind is that NOTHING can alter your self worth, unless you let it. It sounds like you are judging yourself by a set of externals that have nothing to do with your infinite core self worth that you have, that I have, that we all have. Your core value cannot be changed by what your body looks like, a number on a scale, your earning potential, your spouse, your car, your house... It is unalterable.
I identify with this post 100%. I've been dealing with depression for more than 15 years. I first attempted suicide at the tender age of 9. So believe me, I hear you LOUD and clear, and if you are interested I will type up some info out of my self esteem book. Don't give up.

I don't have great advice. Just a . I hope you're feeling better.

Hey chica! Thanks for your honest post.

I have the same problem with paying therapists and have been receiving counseling at the community mental health center. It helps.

A good book, though, is The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D. It has step by step activities to help you figure out distorted thinking habits and has helped me so much. Check it out. Dr. Burns has a lot of other books out there you could look at too. Feeling Good is his most famous.

Wow it seems like you have soo much going on in your head and cant get any of it to settle down. If I could only weigh 152... You are close to your goal weight!! That is awesome. As to the spiritual side: My husband and I are youth pastors at our church. You know first God sees those fears you have of not being accepted and having people not talk to you. It sucks and makes you feel awful but you know what God said Every tongue that shall rise against you in judgement He shall condemn. So those people who are talking bad about you God will take care of them. I have had to use that and pray for God to take care of it and he did. Maybe if you get invovled in church in an area that you feel confident at. That will build more self-esteem and it will give you something to look forward to. You can look around you and think man I feel awful and everything seems to be going wrong, but I know when I go do this at my church I am great at it and am helping other people. I dont know the rules on religion in the post but you did say you have went to church so that is why i felt led to put this on here to encourage you. I know for me having so much excess weight after my kids who the last one i just had 9 months ago I struggle with things like you do. But i love drama and do them at church and feel God can use me that way. So I hope I have helped and I hope you can find something you feel good at and do it. Know that joy comes in the morning. You may be in your midnight hour but it will get bright soon!!!!

Can you give us the name of the book?

to you, Czarria. Childhood depression is terrifying. I teach young ones and have wondered before if any of them will battle mental illness. I wonder how different my life would be if my depression was handled sooner.

Good Luck

The Self Esteem Workbook - Glenn R Schiraldi Ph.D.

It really helped me. Some of the chapters sounded like crap to me, and my therapist and I discussed it until the fog lifted. you see, I remember mentioning to my parents that I needed help. I hide my suicide notes (my venting), and my cutting until I was about 14. When I went to my parents I remember the day very well. I told them I needed help. My father basically told me "Wait until you grow up and have to pay bills and support yourself and get in the real world, then you'll have a reason to be depressed." And my mother (who is skizophrenic) said "Well, they say it's a phase, and if I ever outgrow it I will let you know, hey wanna smoke a joint?". I often wonder what would have been different if anyone would have taken me seriously. Still, I struggled by myself, and hid it until I was in my twenties and finally went to a doctor for it. and even then the stigma and shame I felt was horrendous. I'm still in denial. I quit therapy after 6 months, flushed my meds and never looked back. HA. Go Czarria, that's sticking it to the man.

Read the workbook.. A link to the book on amazon

I don't have much time, but wanted to say I'm blown away by the support and different perspectives: none of them judgemental. Yesterday I decided that I was the only person who could really make the choice to help myself. I was no longer going to be defined by this disease.
As far as my diet goes: being on plan 50 % of the time is better than none at all. Even 10 % is better. It doesn't have to be 100 % because it never will be 100 %. If I sucked as much as I sometimes think I do, I'd have no friends, family or husband..and if I sucked that much, I'd have a career in porn ( sorry to be so vulgar). I'm doing so much better!!---oh, I got a new scale. One that's accurate. I weigh 160...but at least now i know.

wow, sounds to familiar...

You go girl. i'm so proud of your determination not to let this define you. You're going to beat this We all fall off plan. I read something here that helps me when I derail. It said that stumbling on one step on the plan is not worth throwing yourself down the whole flight of stairs. And it's true!!! Wherever we are, if we're at least trying, we're not failing. It's progress either way....