[Wires and Waves]

Hello Everyone

I'm a little bit nervous about posting here and hope it is considered 'on topic'. Not specifically weight-related (though certainly indirectly), I just didn't want to post about a depression issue on a more lighthearted board such as 'general chatter'. Please tell me to move along if I'm in the wrong place - I won't get offended.

So, I've been staring at my notes and assignments for a while. I know they're there - there's a bigger pile every day. I read and nothing goes in. I've spent increasingly long periods of time doing nothing. I get home from school, change into my pajamas and somehow the afternoon rolls into the middle of the night and I've accomplished nothing. But I'm still awake - so why don't I get something done?

It's like my brain is gone. Just disappeared. Assignments I'm perfectly capable of doing, that everyone else in class manages to hand in, are just piles of handouts and a few useless paragraphs in Word if I'm lucky. I hate everything I write. I can't seem to form an intelligent arguement to save my life.

Haha, and now I've started crying. Brilliant. Anyway, I've thrown it all away before. The whole point of taking educational leave and moving back to this country for a year was to actually finish something. I don't want to give up again.

Has anyone beat this?

[Amarie2pt0]

Oh Sweetie!

You are definately posting in the right place as far as I'm concerned. I've been dealing with some of the very same issues lately. Maybe if I share a little of what I'm going through, and what I know about it, it might help? And please, if I'm off base tell me to hush, I don't mean to imply I know everything you are going through, but my jaw dropped a little reading your post it sounded so familiar.

I know what time I got home last night and what time I went to bed, but somehow the things I actually did don't seem to justify the time span. My professor has been loading on assignments - somed due the next day, some due in a month, some things we won't actually be able to solve, but he wants us to try so we can figure out WHY we can't solve them. And I'm pretty sure I spent 2 hours last night sitting in a chair in front of the (unplugged tv) staring at my notes and not reading them. I'm blocked, no question about it.

I recognize this state from the last time I was in school - I just shut down and let go, basically gave up. At the time I wasn't able to get perspective on what was causing it. Thing is, this time I know why I'm blocked - I've just applied for grad school, and now I wait to hear if I get in. And I'm scared bloody senseless that I won't, and all my hopes and dreams hinge on it. I am so not in control of the outcome and it freaks me out. So in a sick, pathological way, if I just shut down and don't do the work, I'll fail, but I'll be in control of my failure rather than failing on someone else's terms. And the other part of it is that I worry that I won't get in because the apps committee will think I'm a failure, and that creates a wierd inmpulse to proove them right, when in reality they may not be thinking that at all! Sick huh?

Is there something deeper that is troubling you? You said that you are back in school, that you gave up before. Hun, is it possible that you've somehow convincing yourself that you can't do this because you've "thrown it all away before"? If you can, you absolutely have to let go of what happened last time. I don't know you, but I do know that you are not the same person you were last time you were in school, and you are not destined to the same outcome as before.

By all means, cry if it helps - sometimes I just get so much stuff built up that crying acts like a release valve. Can you talk to your prof about giving you time to catch up? Or maybe try to study with a friend? Thats one of the things I'm trying to do.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to say that the main reason I'm able to get a better perspective on whats happening to me this time is that I'm treating my depression. I can actually feel the difference between "normal" and when I get stuck and my brain goes away. Before I was getting treatment, it all just kinda smushed together.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling. Please know that I care.

Amarie

[SCraver]

I actually started to squirm in my seat as I read your post... Those feelings coming back to me... I just finished school in December and some semester were easy and some NOT so easy. The ones that were the worst, I had help along the way. A friend I met in my first class actually worked with me to keep our scheduals the same throughout school. She was a great help. And there were other people I met in my classes that helped along the way. Is there anyone in your classes you can commiserate with? Compare notes with? Study with? If it hadn't been for the people in my classes - I never would have made it through.
I kept telling myself, I would lose the weight when I was done with school, b/c it was just too much for me to do it all at once... But look at you! You are going to school AND trying to lose weight!! (Are you working, too??)
Can you meet up with a friend for a quick drink at the bar? (that always helped me!! When I was able to limit it to just one!!) This trick does not work well for depression! But sometimes you just need to take a step back and go do something else.

[twirlandswirl]

I got nothing to help... but I function (or don't function...) exactly the same way, so, even if I can't help... I can commiserate.

[buddly]

Hey there,
Hope you are feeling better and crying does help as does venting here
The only thing I can suggest is from Flylady. Her suggestion is to get a timer and set it for 15 minutes and just study or whatever for that 15 minutes and then take a break for 15 minutes or whatever you need and then go back for another 15 minutes. Its amazing at how much that can be done in 15 minutes. The big pile of whatever and knowing it will take hours is just to overwhelming. "You can do anything for 15 minutes" Its just so much more managable and an easier commitment. Its just a thought to help you tackle a task.
Take care,
K

[Wires and Waves]

I'm trying again tonight, so I'm not letting myself dawdle for too long on 3FC, but I just want to say THANK YOU so much for taking the time to reply. Sometimes it's just knowing someone else is going through it (so, Ms twirlandswirl I thank you for the commiseration )

buddly You're right. And better 15 minutes than nothing at all. I've been knocking some things off the list with 15 minutes. It allows breathing time, certainly.

SCraver You made it through! That's wonderful! You must feel so accomplished. I'm thinking about approaching a girl in one of my classes. You know when you're both dealing with the same thing, you can feel it... and I've seen her arms. I think it would be wise to study together and keep each other on track.

Amarie Thank you. I mean it. I felt like I could breathe when I read that. So not off base and definitely a lot to consider.

Alright. Deep breath...

[lessthansign3]

Wowies... I, too, can relate. I am struggling myself with trying to go to school and live with depression/anxiety/ADD/agoraphobia/etc. I've got all the support in the world with a loving boyfriend and awesome family, and yet I STILL can't get myself to get stuff done and get to class consistently. Then there's the 25 lbs weight gain I've experienced from the meds that keep me stable... Sigh.

The only advice I have for you is this: if your housing situation allows it, get a pet. Even if it's just a fish. I have, uh, a number of them (cat, chinchilla, rabbit, hamsters, rats, fish... hehehe, I love my critters), but they help me a ton. I've got a cat sitting on me right now, lol. He's such a good study buddy. I'll read my notes aloud to him and it helps me to remember as well as to stay calm. What can I say? I'm a huge advocate of pet therapy.

Let me know if you have any epiphanies or get any good advice... I'd love to hear it!

[Razz44]

I can relate as well. I have been horrible this semester at keeping up with reading assignments, and now I have a test coming up. I keep trying to get myself to read/study for it, but I can't seem to focus. And I have a couple papers I need to start researching/planning as well. I want to do well and I know I'll be real upset if I don't, but I just can't get the work done lately.

[mariquita]

I know what you mean sweety What I do when I have those "days" and sometimes "weeks" I take baby steps. Baby steps in a sense that I will set a goal for myself and prioritize.

Sometimes we get so overwhelmed and accomplish nothing

I'm still struggling with the death of my beloved Jonatán, the love of my life, and I want so much to hear his laughter and playing his guitar and him whispering in my ears how much he loves me

He always told me to "take baby steps" a little at a time and this approach has helped me throughout life.

Hang in there and we do care. Please keep us posted.


Huggies

[mariquita]

Just checking back to see how you are doing sweety