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Old 09-30-2004, 08:25 PM   #1  
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Post Feelings Check!

In many psychotherapy groups, they have what is called a "feelings check"! It's a time to look back on your day/week/whatever and be in touch with the feelings you are/have been experiencing. I find that this is helpful to me when I am having one of those "off" days just to kind of put things into perspective. But it can also be helpful to know when I am happy!

This is kind of like a psychotherapy group for me...a support group for sure! I'm listing a bunch of feelings here just to help us out along the way, but if you have more and want to add them, feel free. This venue can be used to vent our feelings of success or road blocks along the way. It can be used to help us identify why it is that "feelings" = "feeding" for some of us!

Hope some of you find this useful!

Exhausted
Confused
Estatic
Guilty
Suspicious
Angry
Hysterical
Frustrated
Sad
Confident
Embarrassed
Happy
Mischievous
Disgusted
Frightened
Enraged
Ashamed
Cautious
Smug
Depressed
Overwhelmed
Hopeful
Lonely
Lovestruck
Jealous
Bored
Suprised
Anxious
Shocked
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Old 09-30-2004, 10:48 PM   #2  
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I was just typing my answer to the Daily Question and something hit me. I was going to post this to the regular chat thread, but then I saw this Feelings thread and this is so much more appropriate! Thanks for setting this up, Julie, what a great idea! 3FC is my support group too! What wonderful chicks we have!

Anyway, here's the thing that hit me:
I said that sometimes I feel like my being overweight is just one more thing I have to fix about myself. The truth is, I feel incredibly guilty for letting myself become overweight in the first place.
I was talking to an old friend today whom I haven't seen in a while, and she said I looked incredible and that she'd never known anyone who's lost this much weight. She said that she was trying to lose some weight herself and she asked how I got and stayed motivated. I don't think I could explain it to her the way I hope to explain it here, to you chicks, and even to myself.
When I graduated from college in December, I think I half expected to wake up one morning to a perfect life: new job, new body, new boyfriend, everything, new and improved. And when it finally sunk in that that is not the way things happen, I got kind of depressed. I went through the whole "Why me?" phase, and I got mad at the world. Then I decided to fight back. I felt like my life was out of control, and me being the control freak that I am, I had to do something to fight that feeling, I had to find one little thing that I absolutely COULD control, no matter what.
Now, I can't control when some company decides to hire me, or where, or for what. I can't control when a guy decides to like me or ask me out or call me back. I can't control what other people do. I can't control things that have already happened.
What I CAN control is what I do: what I do with/to my body, what I eat and drink, how I treat myself, and how I respond to everything external. That is the only thing any of us will ever be able to control completely. That's it.

Aside from being a control freak, I'm also a personal responsibility freak. That means that if something is wrong in my life, it is my fault and no one else's, and that means that I'm the one that has to fix it. I got myself into this mess, I'm the only one that can get me out. That goes for my weight, my education, my career, my financial situation, all of it. I can't believe I've let all this crap that is my life get to the point that it's at. But I have. And now I have to deal with it. I have to accept responsibility for my past mistakes and take the steps to correct them. It's all up to me and NO ONE ELSE to fix the mess that I have created.

So you add that up and I guess you get that I am doing this because I have to fix myself, and this is just the first step, though a very big step, in that process. I have to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can do something, anything. I have to prove to myself that I am actually worth something, because sometimes I'm not so sure.

So when I started actually losing weight, I saw that I could do it, and that is the most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced. I cannot begin to describe what it felt like for me to realize that I can actually accomplish something, that I'm not always going to be worthless and miserable and incapable of doing something about it.

My boyfriend asked me the other day if maybe I am setting my sights too high, aiming for a goal that is out of reach. The thing is, I can't stop now. I *MUST* reach my goal, or I will prove all of those negative thoughts right. Stopping now would be infinitely worse than never having lost a single pound.

And when I have fixed this part of my life, I will move on to the next, and then the next. Perhaps those other things will come anyway. Those are the things I cannot completely control, so I cannot say. But this is what I am focusing on, because this is what I can do.

I feel guilty, and in order for me to forgive myself for letting my life get to where it is, I have to make my life into what I wish it was.
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Old 10-01-2004, 06:34 AM   #3  
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Yea for you Elisha! What you just wrote is as close to a self evaluation that you ever come to. It's a step in the many steps you will take in your life's journey to the things you want and desire! Really, if you are familiar at all with the 12 steps in a Recovery program, you have just stated the First step: Recognized that your life was out of control/unmanageable and you've also included a couple of other steps in there, too! I'm so proud of you for the work you have done! It's going to be a life long journey for me and so I think I am going to enjoy the ride while I continue to work hard to get where I want to go! Sounds like you are doing the same!

PS I'm glad you like this Thread! Sometimes we just need to put our feelings out there, don't we!
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Old 10-01-2004, 06:45 AM   #4  
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This morning I'm feeling confused, guilty, frustrated, frightened, overwhelmed, hopeful, anxious...about our upcoming trip to Chicago and my job! The Chicago trip is supposed to be something I am looking forward to, but really I'm not and I feel a bit guilty about that! So that confuses me! I am hopeful though that the trip will be a positive experience and that DH and I won't get into any disagreements/arguements! That always makes for a long weekend away! We've been at odds with each other about $ lately...what else is new!!! And I have a few receipts from yesterday that I don't want to give him because I will get a lecture!!! Grrrr!

I vented my feelings about my job yesterday on the main forum, but I'm still feeling overwhelmed at this point! But again, there is hope that I am able to maintain some sort of sanity with all the chaos! I guess one of the things I need to remember is that I am NOT in control and I need to remember that it is my HP (in my case, God) who is in control of the sanity in my life! I do know there are areas in my job that I can improve upon and time management is one of them! I am capable! I have shown that or I don't think my boss would give me the added responsibility! But geesh...it still feels overwhelming!!! One day at a time, one project at a time, one piece of paperwork and one resident at a time, right?

OK, I neeed to get my butt in gear and get showered and get DD up for the day!

Hugs to all of you!!! Thanks so much for being here!!! I my chickies!
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Old 10-03-2004, 09:22 AM   #5  
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My feelings are constantly changing, so this evaluation stuff is almost daily for me.

Where to begin? Anybody a Talking Heads fan? The following lyrics come to mind, "My God, what have I done?!" That describes how I feel about my weight gain. My mother is obese, and I always thought, well, staying normal is easy. All you have to do is not pile food into your mouth. Yet, that's pretty much what I did, more and more ever since college. And it's so frustrating because it's a controllable behavior. It's not like food jumps into my mouth. It takes jaw muscles... all I need to do is stop chewing when I'm full. So I'm annoyed that I've lost power over such a simple thing.

I'm also sad that I have to give up my previously normal life and way of dealing with food. Before all this started, I was pretty healthy, for a young American woman, when it came to food and body image. My thoughts consisted of, "Hmm, I need to exercise more," and "Hmm, I shouldn't eat anymore today." I mean, that's just normal concern over diet and exercise. Now I think, "Should I eat this or not?" at nearly every meal. Or I plan what I eat and I don't deviate from the plan. And if I am spontaneous with my diet once, I go into totally unhealthy eating. There's no normal anymore. That's why I'm so loathe to count calories (for me personally, not saying it's bad for anyone else). It's just not the way I used to live. But maybe I need to let go of the way I used to live.

Finally, this all began with the onset of bipolar disorder and my attempt at treating it. Lithium messes with the thyroid gland, and I gained a lot of weight. Now, I'm on a new medication, and it works well. I'm mad at the idea that if I had been on this med in the first place, I might not have gained the weight. It's not like taking lithium is all that did it, but it made me sluggish, and I know some of my eating behavior was an attempt to get more energy. I think, damn, six years wasted of going on and off lithium, with no improvement in bipolar, and gaining a bunch of weight. Whereas the past two years the bipolar has been under control with the new med, and I've lost weight. I'm mad. But, can't control past events, right?

I'm also pissed at the possible long-term effects of lithium. Remember how I said it messes with the thyroid? Well, I've got some signs of thyroid disorder, and I'm meeting with my doctor on Wednesday. What if my thyroid is messed up for the rest of my life, because I took a medication that never worked? Grrrrrr. And I try to stay away from what-if thinking. But the thought of taking another pill every day for the rest of my life is getting me angry. I should just let it go, know that I can't control it, look at it as an opportunity to help my body.

All of this is what has been going through my mind the past week or so. A saying came to mind the other day: "Nothing stays the same. Either we get worse, or we get better." I can't go back to what was normal when I was younger, so I'm going to have to do what it takes to go in the better direction, rather than the worse.
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Old 10-05-2004, 01:11 PM   #6  
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Okay... this is a big explanation to anybody who ever wonders about the stuff I post about....

I have this issue where I need to take on the pain, unhappiness, anything unpleasant and wrong for every single living being around me. I feel like I'm supposed to be totally responsible for it all, and if I can't fix something, or don't have the money to help someone else who needs it... I feel useless and I get just depressed and I cant' sleep, eat, think... I just sit in bed and stare at the wall.

I feel totally guilty for the fact that my husband and I are in serious financial trouble, even though it's a totally joint problem. We started out together, we bought the house together, we both had good paying jobs together, and we both got laid off together. We did it all together, but I blame myself. I didn't go out and buy a bunch of junk or spend a ton of money I didn't have... we just got stuck. He didn't do anything drastic, either, but he blames himself, too. It's frustrating and hard to let go of.

I feel extremely guilty for being witness to my friends' death when I was 8 years old, repressing the memory until about 2 years ago, and never saying a word about to anybody. I feel guilty that I can't go to any authorities because I don't know her last name, if her first name was even real, her fathers' name (he did it), or anything else. I feel like I should have done something, but he threatened me, and after seeing that, I believed that he'd hurt me if I said anything. I feel guilty for blocking the memory until I was grown up and saw another victim that triggered the memory for me. Consequently, this event in my life is a giant reason that I have a lot of guilt for things I can't control, a big reason why I have issues with eating in public or around people I don't know, and a giant reason why I have issues with trusting other people. Not that it's an odd reason for any of those things to have happened, but it's helpful to understand that it's a big part of WHY I'm me and HOW I got to be this way.

I feel stupid for gaining weight, because I didn't overeat, I didn't even eat a lot of bad food. I ate like anybody else my age -- pretty darn healthy, with the occasional junk food or beer or whatever, especially when friends were over. Big deal. I have had a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that I gained weight as an alternative to being in this hospital and possibly confronting an expensive, painful surgery or death, which is kind of worse. Once I could take that on, I just stopped caring about what had happened in the past and just did what I had to do, I guess. And I lost a lot, but not without any guilt. I still feel stupid for even being able to gain the weight to begin with, when I didn't do anything wrong in my life to gain it aside from take a medication.

Aqua -- Be careful with that lithium. I have family members who are bipolar (I've got PTSS and social anxiety disorder), and that drug is scary. Nobody does know why it works, they just use it. It does have some scary side effects... but I did learn of something that might be helpful for you. I know there are differing degrees of bipolar, but there's this great thing called "Thought Field Therapy" which is basically controlled pressure point therapy. It really helps. I've been able to use a great deal of little tapping points to control anxiety, bad memories that I don't want to see or relive or feel, hearing the things from a seriously bad experience, all of it. (I witnessed a friend of mine being murdered when I was 8 yrs old... thus PTSS). It's really helped me, and I won't go back on the medications. I hope that your thyroid isn't in any danger or anything, and that if the lithium does work well for you, that it doesn't hurt anything at all.

All of that stuff might explain a little more why I am the way I am...

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Old 10-05-2004, 07:58 PM   #7  
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Lucy...ok chickie...that DOES explain a lot of things for me! Thank you for feeling like you can open up enough with this group to share all of that! Guilt is a powerful feeling! It can be a productive feeling or it can be one that zaps the life out of you! I'm happy to hear that you are now working on some of those issues which have haunted you all these years! I can't even imagine!! Repressing that horrible memory is perfectly normal for a little girl to do!! You are perfectly normal and you are a beautiful, smart, wonderful woman now who can do anything you put your mind to! I'm proud of you and what you have accomplished in these few months I have "known" you! You have done a lot of growing inside since you started posting with these challenges...I can clearly see that, so something you are doing is working!

I have worked with adolescents and adults who have had PTSS and other severe mental health diagnoses. I have not ever personally expereinced such horror, but I do understand it and what it does to people. And I also understand how getting the right help can change a person's life for the better. I hope that you are doing that...and from the changes I have seen in you, I'm pretty sure there is some professional help involved! You are on the road to recovery...just keep up the good work!!!

((((((((((Lucy)))))))))))) Just want you to know that you are loved!!!!
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Old 10-06-2004, 01:09 PM   #8  
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Julie... *hugs* You rock. Even if I don't totally feel comfortable with everyone in the world knowing what I had to see, and all the crap that went along with it, I need to get it out. If I'm on here and this is my major support group for this stuff, which it is, then I need to be totally honest. If I'm not, then I'm only lying to myself. I'm glad you haven't ever had to witness/go through anything horriffic like that, but it's awesome that you've gotten the chance to work with people and understand how/why it changes someone. No real professional help, actually... I can't afford it. I read a lot of books and just put things to use, mentally. I'm still a geek, no matter how you look at it. And thank you SO MUCH!! You are awesome, and I have to tell you that I totally admire and respect you for having adopted a child. That's something not enough of us do, and that more kids than we could ever possibly know, NEED. You are awesome, and I totally appreciate your support.
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Old 10-06-2004, 04:59 PM   #9  
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The Issues Du Jour

Work: I have what would be a good job, anywhere else in the universe. I like what I’m doing- it’s basically good training for me to become either a loan officer, or a processor or underwriter. Several paths ahead, just no opportunities at this point, or anywhere in the near future. It’s a dead end position, but if I worked with anyone else, it might be tolerable. Instead, I work with Monica.

Monica: Often referred to as MoniCow, DeMonica, and other variations. The most miserable human being alive. Monica is the kind of person who opens her mouth & stupid just falls out. She’s spiteful, vindictive, has no idea about professional behavior in the workplace, and can’t work with anyone. She’s anti-Jew, anti-white, anti-gay, anti-corporate, and makes sure EVERYONE in earshot knows it. Not only that, she’s vocal about things that no one should ever be discussing. Cases in point:

1. The Surgery Incident. I had been working with this beeeyotch for about 6-8 months when a client of hers showed up in the office. I was up near the reception desk, checking incoming mail & faxes & Monica came to greet her client. Monica hadn’t seen this woman in about 2 years, and kept gushing about how fabulous she looked. The client told Monica she had gastric bypass. Monica cackles about how good she looks, and then yells to me across the reception area (complete with clients waiting, the receptionist, our office manager in her office directly adjoining) “Jennifer, you should talk to this lady so you can go have this done.” The earth could not open up fast enough to swallow me up. She, of course, doesn’t realize that her comments, deliver, timing, and location were totally inappropriate. And still comments on what I eat, or don’t eat, and my weight.

2. The “Good Looking Husband” Incident. Hubby Dearest came by the office with tax papers for me to sign so that they could be mailed out, etc. Monica comes to meet him, he’s of course, polite and respectful to her, even knowing all the incidents, and what I go through on a daily basis. When he leaves, and later into my day, when she’s not busy ruining other people’s lives, she ventures out into my area, and announces that I’ve got a good looking husband and I better do something to keep him. Then she goes on to suggest that my current weight loss (which she thinks is 10 pounds- I won’t fricking tell her anything) isn’t enough & I better do something to keep my man happy. Nice, huh? And her suggestions for what makes a man happy- you don’t even want to go there.

Office: This office, as you can see, is a little screwed up. Most of the loan officers who have assistants have hired their spouse, son, cousin, sister, etc as their assistant. There are only 4 of us who aren’t related to the idiot that they have to take the fall for. Because of that, management here tends to let things slide for all the relatives, but the 4 of us are held up to ridiculous requirements, and we’re expected to put in free overtime. Yeah, a husband can work 80 hours a week to help his wife make more- it’s going to the same household, so her 15,000 paycheck this month makes up for his “free” overtime. Me working 80 hours a week- first, zzzt- not happening. I took 2 pay cuts in 2 years, and you’re not getting 40 hours & 5 minutes out of me without coughing up the extra cash. I’m tired of being taken advantage of. If it were ME making the 15,000.00 paycheck, I’d be working whatever I needed to. Since my last 2 checks were 0.00 because we closed nothing, I don’t think I’m being at all snitty.

Job market: Sucks. No other way to describe it. In April 2002, our office was shut down. A job I had for 10 years, excelled at, and moved through the ranks, was gone. The way I was raised- my work ethic- I would have died on the job, because I felt this sense of duty and obligation, and wouldn’t leave something hanging, or accept failure. That’s how I moved up the ranks so quickly. When my job “disappeared,” so did my identity. I spoke with a counselor for months, because I was depressed. Her response- “It’s normal to be depressed.” I wasn’t just depressed, I was “no reason to shower cuz I have nowhere to go” depressed. Hubby was feeding me McDonalds because I was too despondent to want to eat. And then, eating fast food, on top of being heavy to begin with, I packed on more weight & felt even worse. And then, 200 of us were fighting over the same jobs- all of us with 10-15 years experience, looking for ANY job. This position was a referral from a colleague of my husband- first offer, and only offer in a 6 month job search.

Stalled Weight loss:

Self Sabotage:

Lethargy:
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Old 10-06-2004, 05:00 PM   #10  
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I'll finish this up from home...I ran out of day before I ran out of venom to spew.
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Old 10-06-2004, 05:54 PM   #11  
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Default I'm Impressed!

I'm impressed with all that I have seen written here in the last week! I am in awe that not only are you all sharing the depths of your souls, but that you are sharing them with people with whom you have never met! That is what is so awesome about this group! You all feel like family to me and supporting each other is what we need to do here!

Lucy...you are welcome! I do hope that some day you will be able to afford some good professional help to help you with the issues you have been dealt! And as far as adopting goes...it has never felt like a sacrifice or something I should be put on a pedastal for! My husband and I are the beneficiaries of a beautiful little girl with whom the Chinese Government, the US and God have entrusted us to care for! She is a gift to us and every day I am humbled by the awsomeness (is that a word?) of parenting this little girl! But I appreciate your admiration, anyway! (((((((((Lucy))))))))))))

Jennifer...can't wait to finish reading Part II!!! I think that Monica and my office partner are related!!! LOL!!! People can be so insensitive! Not a day goes by that I am not told something about what I am doing that is wrong!!! Today, apparently, I have been speaking of my lack of "singing talents" just too much for her liking and she told me so!!! (We have a Sing A Long group and my old assistant who is now doing housekeeping because of budget cuts...like 50% in our dept...was the "singer"!) I can't sing on key and I WON'T sing in front of a group with a microphone!!! So I threw it back in her face (sort of) with pathetic sweetness!!! She shut up! Then tonight as I was writing some notes in my "other" office, two girls from the assisted living center came in and reported that there was a "witch on the loose"! I immediately thought of my office partner and lo and behold, she was spreading her *****iness throughout the building today!! So, I guess I am not the only one targeted!!!

Thought you'd appreciate those stories, since they tie right in with yours!

I'll write more later!
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Old 10-07-2004, 12:58 PM   #12  
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I'm feeling totally disconnected from everything today. I can't tell if I'm just half-awake, or just half-here. Like I'm watching everything from behind my own body -- know what I mean? Geh.

More caffeine.

Jennifer -- Cuz... what a snot. Sounds like sooo many people I know (and work with). I'm sorry.

Lisa -- I've had pro help before, just doesn't do anything, and the last one I went to, well, she told me that everything that was wrong with me was due to the fact that I wasn't a member of her religion, and that all of my problems would disappear if I joined her stupid church. I told her to go screw herself in not so many words, and walked out. A professional shouldn't say that... but I know what you mean. They always want to medicate and I won't do it. I have a bunch of friends who know what's up, and my hubby is totally understanding/supportive of me, too, so I'm cool. On the other note, we plan (someday) to adopt a girl from somewhere in Africa, probably Kenya or Sudan. My friends' parents work there in a genital-reproduction clinic, where the kids/adults are violently hurt and need reconstructive surgery simply to... well, live. We want to improve the life of one girl from that area -- if everyone saved one child, the world would be much better.
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Old 10-07-2004, 03:47 PM   #13  
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Default The second half of my rant....

Stalled Weight loss: Ok…another frustration…sigh! I seem to do well for weeks or months at a time…and then something happens, like work, the kitties, hubby, a fricking hurricane, and so on. I fall out of routine, things turn to crap, I put on the weight that I just busted my hump to lose. Even if I eat perfectly, but don’t exercise, I sit there & stall. A treat= a gain. And as we speak, I’m getting fed up with sitting here at the same #, month after month. Word hard, lose it, gain it, get pissed, lose it again, chaos ensues, gain it back, repeat until ready to beat your head against a wall until it stops. I’m sure there are legitimate “reasons” along the way, but to me, a lot of them feel like excuses. And when I think I DO have a legit reason, that’s the time that everyone else sees it as just making excuses. Sigh.

Self Sabotage: I have to think that something’s not right in my head. Granted, if I were perfectly fine, I wouldn’t be this damn fat. Something made me do this to myself. It’s me. Blame it on my childhood, my family, my school, being a geek, my brother being the athlete & never measuring up, me being the bookworm & scholar. Blame it on growing up poor & not being able to afford fast food, or even good cuts of beef. We ate a lot of pasta & bread & processed foods because they were cheap. We could eat like kings on 50.00 a week with mac & cheese & hot dogs, spaghetti…and there was bread on the table all the time. Still hungry? Have a piece of bread. Now, thanks to surviving the best we could with what we had, Mom’s got diabeties. She stops smoking, beats lumps in her breasts over the last 20 years which aren’t cancerous because we’re fanatical about that & lost everyone else to female cancers, and no sooner does she make a healthy change, whammo- diabeties. Plus arthritis in the knees, which runs in my family. My mother is a walking fricking poster child for why I can’t continue the destructive behaviors that got me here. Just because I can get a Gigantor-Sized meal for 3.99 does not mean I need to do that, just because I can afford it, financially. More bang for your buck is hard to get out of your system when you spend the first 25 years of your life scraping by. I have to get it through my head that 5.99lb for lean ground beef for 12 servings of chili is a better deal than the .99 double cheeseburger. It took my mother 2 years to come to terms with the diabeties, and not being able to eat the way she was. Will it take that kind of diagnosis for me to come to terms with the fact that I can’t keep doing this to myself. 7.95 neverending pasta bowl at Olive Garden is Never, Ever, Ever going to be a good idea, health-wise. Why do I automatically think- oooh, I could have 2 big plates of fettucine alfredo & breadsticks out the wazoo.

Lethargy: My body at rest tends to stay at rest. My body, in motion, is a sight to behold. Fat with a mind of its own, jiggling to it’s own beat, not necessarily the same tempo at which the rest of the body is moving. When I have my act in gear, and I am exercising daily, I feel good. I feel alive. When I take a break for a day or two, it ends up being a week. And then getting things started again is like starting back at the beginning. Left to my own devices, I’d probably sit like a lump. And have my butt expand to fit wherever I am sitting like a lump.

I know this isn’t the most positive I’ve been, but you know when you just have one of those days, and it seems to turn into “one of those weeks” and the next thing you know, a month has gone by, and you’re staring at the same obstacles as you were before, only now you’re further behind than before? That’s the way I’m feeling…like at this point, since nothing seems to be changing, is it really worth it. And I know it IS worth it, and I know I need to change my thinking, but is that really going to happen? I’m good at being the one in control of things, but then I get into these periods where I am tired of being the one in charge at work, and being the one in charge at home, and being the one that always has her crap together, and occasionally, I just don’t want to have to think, or be the one in charge. And when I give up that control over me, and my own actions, this is what happens. As long as I’m frustrated at having to run everyone else’s life, I fear that I’m going to have this inner rebellion & my “lack of control” is going to manifest itself with me suggesting Olive Garden and other garbage.

Where do I send the check for 125.00 for this hours’ therapy?


Love you gals….nowhere else in the world can I get this poison out of my system with those who know this feeling, have been there, and identify with some of the things I’m saying. And, well, you’re kinda stuck with me.
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Old 10-07-2004, 07:05 PM   #14  
~Insane Java Turtle~
 
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Default What is turtle feeling?

Angry and sorry for herself. Gained three pounds and now trying awfully hard. But for the right or wrong reasons? I'm not sure. A week behind in the Walktober Challenge has got me feeling discouraged and I'm dreading the cold weather and winter. I despise winter. Just wanted in on this feelings thing. I'm not very good at this yet.
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Old 10-07-2004, 10:53 PM   #15  
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Jennifer.... Yeah. Exactly. (((((hugs for you)))))

Java.... It is getting awfully cold around here, isn't it? Especially at night, I'm sure. I think that for two chicks who hate winter, we live in the wrong area.
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