I want to tell my parents (i think)
 

I want to tell my mom about my ED but I don't know how I would even begin. in person? email? phone? letter? should I start at the BEGINNING, 5 years ago, or just talk about now?

this is a big step for me--after this week i'm pretty fed up. i don't want to live like this any longer. i'm not sure how she'll react. she might not believe me. i don't look like a binge-eater; i'm not overweight. what if she brushes me off?

As a mom if my child is struggling I would want to know. What her reaction will be is a big unknown. All you can do is prepare yourself for the worst and if it turns out better than be pleasantly suprised.

Good luck and please keep us updated on your outcome!
Miss Chris

I send you lots of hugs:hug: You are quite brave for contemplating sharing this secret with a family member. My advise to you is to write down a few "talking points":

1. Explain what your behavior has been towards food/eating and how you FEEL about it and your image that you hold about yourself.

2. Tell Mom what you want from her... Her understanding, compassion, support, her guidance, her time, etc... This will give her the ability to understand what you need from her and what role you want her to play in your ED. She will probably be confused and could blame herself for your situation, please be ready for her to switch gears on you in the middle of the conversation to this.

3. Also maybe think about a course of action that you want to take to help yourself get this under control. Maybe see if Mom would help you in finding a therapist that deals with eating issues. Just because you do not have the "classic" ED, please do not belittle your feelings or struggle.

I am in the same boat as you. I am not obese, but I have a problem with eating at night til I feel like I'm going to burst. I totally understand the shame, guilt, disgust, remorse and frustration that you feel. You shouldn't go through this alone. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE talk to Mom. She very well could be your lighthouse to guide you through this storm. Best of luck to you, and please feel free to email me to keep me posted... [email protected]

Uh, telling the parents. Not an easy step, but an important one.

I would think of telling it via letter or "personal conversation". My favorite solution would be the letter- with the option for your parents to talk with you about the letter later. But you have time to think about what to write, how to express yourself....and your parents have some time to think of what they just read.

I made bad expiriences with my parents as I talked with them. But even with that knowledge, I would say it was an important step. Committing your problem to other people is an important step of the healing process. And afterwards you are free to stick to your food plan, do a food plan at all, search a counsellor or whatever is necessary for your recovery.

If your mother don´t believe you....you know, my parents didn´t believe me. They said: Just stick to a diet and things worse than that. It hurts like ****, but try to explain it to them. Maybe get some info from the internet, books etc. (I would highly recommend the page http://www.somethingfishy.org/)http://www.somethingfishy.org/

But no matter what they say, it is important that YOU know that you are ill, that you are suffering from a disease.
As I talked with my parents, my father was already diagnosed with cancer. And I was "only" diagnosed with subtance and alcohol abuse, non purging bulimia and severe depression. My father told me this won´t be illnesses, just signs of weakness. I believed him for such a long time and deep inside of me, I felt ashamed and not worthy of care, treatment or support. After all, I asn´t really ill......A few months ago, I felt horrible. I was in a phase of depression and watched a program about depression. There was a doctor who said: Depression is somehow a more serious illness than cancer. They both could be deadly, but the depression "steals" the patients will to live and fight and that makes it worses than cancer because most cancer patient are willing to stay alive ad get treatment.
And I read somewhere that bulimia is as deadly as some cancer forms.
That helped me to understand that I am really ILL. It´s not because I am a weak person. And ill persons have the right to get help.
Ok, that wasn´t very helpful for you, I suppose....

Just my humble opinion.

I wish you all the best and keep my fingers crossed!!

Kate

I am writing and writing.....
I would tell them EVERYTHING. OK, I wouldn´t start with "A long time ago....", but I would make sure that they understand that you are suffering since a long time and that it´s not just a "phase".

Maybe this is helpful: http://www.mirror-mirror.org/telling.htm

Ok, now I am quiet.


:mouse:

_knot, good for you, hon. What a big step to take, and a very great one. It's so difficult to "let go" of stuff like that, but once you do it, you're going to feel a real weight off your shoulders.
I agree with the others... writing it down is an excellent way of communicating. And then you can sit down and talk it over, knowing your mom has a basis for what you want to say.
Big hugs, sweetie... :hug: You're doing the right thing... you're on the way to recovery.

My whole family brushed the idea off when I was younger and had that problem. In fact, they downplayed it and just ignored it until it got worst. I guess that was the only way I got them to see. You must tell her you are being serious. My mom said "oh really?" and then went back to doing things while ym sister laughed. I remember that moment well, even if it was a while back.

Veggielover, what a dreadful experience. :( I'm so sorry, hon. :hug:

_knot, I think you mentioned (was it you?) that your Dad is more open to talking about it. If that's the case, could you talk to him about it first, then tell him you'd like him to sit down with you while you tell your mom? And ask for his backup. :hug:

thanks, chris, yogachick, kate, ellis, veggielover, for your support...i am chickening out. :stress: i can see all the advantages of telling someone. i think i was extremely frustrated when i first thought of it.

the fact is, if i don't tell anyone i can still seem 'normal' to my friends and family, which is important to me. maybe i'm too proud or too independent, but i don't want to deal with anyone's pity. i hate pity more than i hate bingeing and maybe i can beat bingeing ON MY OWN. with you girls of course :hug: i REALLY want to be strong enough to handle food--i shouldn't need parents and therapists and support groups to deal with silly little FOOD. and i guess it's more than that but i don't even know what causes my binges.

so what it comes down to is that i'm being sooo indecisive and i even tried writing a letter but it came out very technical and factual and COLD. maybe writing is a bad idea?

how many of you all have someone who knows about your bingeing? what made you tell them?

thank you for reading my rant. i've got myself all angry now :mad:

Knot, I'm so proud of you for admitting your problems and having the sense to want to tell your parents. I understand how hard it is to be struggling with an eating disorder, especially not one of the "traditional" ones. Most people don't equate eating disorders with anything other than starving/purging to become underweight. While it is possible to beat this alone for some people, sometimes it isn't.

Maybe you could consider putting your feelings down on paper and then asking your parents to read it in front of you. This way you can get the painful stuff out coherently and still have them there for support/explaining everything.

_knot, it's okay, hon. :hug: I don't think you're chickening out. This is not an easy thing to do, but what's good is that the first seed of doubt has been planted. You know you need to talk about this with people close to you... you just need to figure out how and when to do it.

I haven't had the problem of trying to tell people about my binging, but I did experience this with telling people about my depression. It took many (20+) years. :( I'd say the sooner you work up to it, the less damage you'll do. ;)
Don't give up on this, _knot... we're right behind you, hon. :grouphug:

The binging never was a secret, the purging was what I decided to smack people in the face with when I was ready. It was driving me crazy, I was spending 1/2 my time at work eating bags of food and throwing up. Binging has always been very defiant act for me, the purging was much more emotionally based.

Your not chickening out, when you think your ready or you need the extra help to quit you will tell. Telling my husband has had someone to monitor my behaviors when I am in danger zone, and saying it out loud deflates the situation. I told my Mom like every big deal revelation I ever have made to her it went in the denial pile and never happend. I have come to love and accept the shallow relationship we have. Its the only one I got.

Other than hubby and my closest friends most that have their own ED thats all I found necessary. I wouldn't tell my in-laws because every time I get under 170 lbs they are ready to take me to the anorexic clinic anyway :lol: My FIL was an absolute nut about it when I was a healthy 127 lbs (118 maybe he had a small point :lol: )
Miss Chris

Maybe u should talk to a counsellor first , someone who has nothing to lose or gain, they make good sounding boards. Then he/she can help u find a way to talk to your parents and in the meantime you have someone who is completely on your side. If worse came to worse and your parents didn't take it well u will have someone to fall back on that u trust.

i wrote this letter yesterday. feedback?

Dear Mom,
Sometimes when I'm bored or stressed or feeling a strong emotion, I eat. I binge past the point of fullness. During the act I feel numb. My only feeling is a strong compulsion to keep eating. Eating makes me relax and gives me something to do. But after I've come to my senses, I feel ashamed. Sometimes I can't remember what I've eaten or how much.
I haven't told you before because I am ashamed. Overeating is something I'm afraid to be caught doing, so I will usually wait until no one is home--but I will anticipate the food for a while in advance and it makes me excited. But just thinking about that makes me hate myself.
I recall, when I was in a recent bad spot, not feeling anything, ever. I was depressed from bingeing and i self-medicated with food. I couldn't remember what it was like to feel an emotion, so when I finally did it was painful.
I don't know how it started, and I can't remember the last time I haven't been this way. I want your support and your help to find out what makes me do this so I can stop hurting myself.
Love, Meg

Meg, you've worded that so well. :hug:
The only thing I might consider adding somewhere in there is that you're "afraid". It might just hit a nerve for your mom. There is a lot to fear from the continuing patterns of an eating disorder.
And I'd make the last sentence a separate paragraph so that it stands out... it's excellent.

You're doing great, girl... you're moving forward. :grouphug: