Former Anorexic
 

Hi, I'm new to this board.

Here is a little history of my situation.

I'm a former anorexic. Actually I've been there and done that twice. I'm having trouble relating to the bingers. I've gained quite a bit of weight since my last bout a few years ago. I lost it the healthy way through WW and then regained it when Thyroid problems were discovered. Now I'm doing WW again and seeing some slow results.

The problem is I never had any assistance getting over my eating disorder. I handled everything on my own. The last week has been an emotional roller coster for me. Many people react to stress by eating. I'm the oposite. I'm finding it very difficult to even eat my minimum of 18 points. I don't want to relaps during this difficult time but am finding it increasingly difficult due to personal problems.

Does anyone have any advise or suggestions? I don't want to discuss this in much detail on the WW boards I post to. I don't want people thinking I've slipped off the deep end.

Sunnyone

Hi Sunnyone....first welcome.

I have to admit, I don't know much about anorexia (I mean, I know what it is.. but I don't know the underlying issues and recovery invovled).

But I do know that the first step in any addiction recovery is recognizing that you have an addiction and that you need help. When you say you did it in the past on your own.. do you mean entirely on your own without even the support of a board like this? Because I know when I tried to deal with my binge eating disorder in isolation.. I failed miserably.. isolation was part of the problem!

Being able to discuss openly your feelings, your struggles, your fears... without being judged.. are all part of the recovery process.

While all eating disorders can lead to pre-mature death.. anorexia is particularly dangerous. I don't know what your financial situation is.. if you really can't afford professional help.. try to find a face-to-face support group, as well as this board.

Your last remark in your post was "fearing that others will think I've fallen off the deep-end"... I don't want to read too much into that.. but it did catch my attention. What are you most afraid of if you let people know that you are struggling?

I wish I could help more.. but like I said.. I don't know very much about anorexia and I don't want to give irresponsible advice. But do feel free to post here as much and as often as you need too.

Best,
Elaine

Hi Elaine,

What I mean is that the last round with anorexia was about 9-10 years ago. I did not eat ANYTHING except 1/2 cup dry Cheerios once in a while for 4 years. I'm 5'3" and weighed 82 lbs.

Once I realized it was a real problem for me I slowly began to eat and then relied on myself to try to eat properly. Actually I've never even really talked about it to anyone. My parents knew and everyone that saw me knew. They were all very worried about me and were happy to see me start eating again, but we didn't talk about it.

I'm sure the underlying issues have not been delt with, only the behavior. I'm in a health education class right now as my hubby is seeking treatment for alcohol. I'm going to a Concerned Others class. Maybe I'll need to talk to someone about my past when I'm done with these classes.

As far as saying that I didn't want people to think I'd gone off the deep end - I mean that it is hard to talk to someone who is trying to lose weight about not having an appetite. Even though I'm trying to loose too.

Just thought I'd post here since others have had eating disorders too.

Sunnyone

Sunny,
When you take the time to sit with yourself..what are the emotions or feelings that you've been having since you have started the anorectic tendencies again...
Are there areas of your life that feel out of control?

Another thought....it's that dieting bandwagon again...sorry, folks..when some start to focus on intake/amounts, etc. it brings a focus to the food itself instead of the bodily function of needing to eat. Perhaps you may just be triggered by WW into some old patterns that feel "natural" to you (restriction of calories, etc)

Sunny, I don't know how old you are, I am 38. When I was 16 I started my journy into eating disorders. I purged, I didn't binge, just purged. Anything I ate, I had to get out of my body. I too, would go days without eating. When I was 18 I hadn't eaten in 4 days and passed out at work. I was treated physically, but no one addressed the eating disorder. To tell you the truth, I don't think anyone even new. All through my life when I got really stressed, not everyday stress, but mega stress, I used purging as a way of being in control. Three years ago, as I was freaking out in a bathroom stall at work because I had just made myself throw up, I realized I need help. I can't do this by myself. I am lucky to have an "employee assistance program" where I work, and I was able to hook up with a psychologist who worked with eating disorder patients. I was able to get a grip on what I was doing. They wanted me to go to a rehab place, but I couldn't with kids and work, but I was able to get enough help that I haven't purged in 2 years. I didn't stay in therapy as long as they would have liked either, but long enough to help. What I am trying to say is if you have the resources in your area try to get some help. I don't want you to waste as many years as I did. You might think you can do it on your own, but it is so hard. There is nothing wrong with asking for a little help, it acually will show you how strong you are. You are strong enough to beat this. I know you are. Sorry I wrote I short novel here, but I just want you to get better.

Hi Sunny,
I too have had anerexia. I stopped eating for 2 months having nothing but diet pills and diet pepsi. One diet pill for breakfast. two for lunch and one for dinner. Now, I am surprised I did not have a heart attack. I lost over 50 pounds got down to a size 3 and still thought I needed to lose weight. I ended up in the hospital on IV's and one teaspoon of vegetables a day which at first I could not keep down. I also threw up anything I ate if I ever let myself eat. I ended up having a hysterectomy & losing half of my throid. I still have an ulcer, esophagil reflux, and a hyenal hernia (which means I spit up everytime I bend over). I was only 26 then and am 47 now. I joined WW in Jan and once again I have taken the weight off but, watching what I eat means I have to be in control and I am a control freak so that is really when my eating disorders show there ugly heads. If I eat one over my minimum points I punish myself by not eating the next day. I have to have a weight loss every week or I would think I failed. I know my thinking is wrong but I still keep telling myself I am OK. No one even knows I have a problem. I work very hard not letting myself throw up. I know how hard that was to stop and all the damage it did. It is a very hard impulse to control but, I just can't let myself do that ever again. I do go without eating and I don't think I could ever get that in complete control. Wish you were close to me maybe we could go to couseling together and talk to each other. We would have someone who really understood our feelings. You can e-mail me or just post here we can do this together. I do understand and will help all I can.

Nola

Dear Sunnyone: (this is written by a guest on this PC. Signed, a fellow struggler)

I've been there done that more times than I can count. I tend to switch gears from compulsive eating to anorexia, and have in my life fluxuated more than 200 pounds up and down. I'm up right now and struggling with WW to get to a more healthy weight. Crucial for me in my own healing journey has been the team approach to my own treatment, the team including a sympathetic and skilled physician, nutrition management (WW), and skilled psychotherapy. But I'm with you. For me, it's difficult to be sympathetic or find support in a WW meeting where skinny people are complaining about the number of points in a lettuce leaf. I understand that eating problems are painful no matter what the scale says, but when you have been through the mill like you and I have, I sometimes feel like WW doesn't go far enough in its understanding of eating disorders. One wonderful resource, if you haven't already found it is the Renfrew Center. I'm not sure of their website, but you can reach them at 1.800.RENFREW.

Best of everything in your journey. Be very gentle with yourself.


A fellow struggler

As a former anorexic, I was starting to feel like maybe I was the only one who "kicked the habit" so to speak and gained a bunch of weight. If you want to know the truth, I think the weight gain (50 pounds) was healthy for me, because
1. It has given me a perspective on what "normal" women are going through when dieting
2. It has forced me to see that size doesn't equal love. My husband met me too thin and married me too fat.

So, first thanks for your post.
Next, I found while I was in weight watchers (lost 16 lbs) I was best if I ate what I wanted, and counted the points after. For instance, I would eat my dinner and when I felt like I was full, I stopped. You still have to keep a good eye on what you are eating.....but don't focus on counting 1, 3, 1, 2 all the way through. Then, after you've done the dishes, watched a sitcom, then write it down. I found this seperates the neurotic counting from the food. Also, if you now discover you had too many points, don't beat yourself up, move that butt! I actually had better losses when I ate at almost top of range and exercised.

Good luck with the struggle, and believe me, I think it's gonna be lifelong, but worth it.

chel