Well, this thread isnīt so much about food- just about those circumstances in life with actually leads to binging for me.
So I am rambel around here a little bit- bores you, but itīs good for my well being....
I had an important exam today. I learned a lot. Really a lot. I never felt so prepared. Worked hard. And the exam was....rubbish. I never used so much four- letter words while writing.
You know, the topic wasnīt even really mentioned in books or scripts. I just thought: "What the **** is that??".
I collected all my courage and whatever and stayed the three hours. Wrote something, guessed a little.
I hadnīt give up. But I am far from passing that exam.
Ok, so it seems as if I had to start anew. Writing essay, writing three exams...Essay till October, exams till February.
If I am lucky (and I was so unlucky with law school in the last years, I deserve it- no, I have the RIGHT to have luck!), I am done with it before Christmas or in January.
But I am motivated and angry. I am gonna do that! Now more than ever! I am going to finish that ***** law school!
I am dissapointed. Really dissapointed. Interestingly, I am feeling more sorry towards the people who helped me during that time and wished me luck than I di for me. Still think I owe them something....
But I am feeling not that terrible bad. Not the happiest girl in the world, but not totally down.
I am healthy.
I am binge free.
I am sober since 2 years, 8 month and a couple of days.
I survived my dark days of depression.
I survived a not always nice childhood, extreme mobbing in school.
So there has to come more to knock me out.
I read somewhere that you always have to look back where you came from when you are succesful. Maybe itīs the same with Loosing...when you look back, you maybe realize that being were you are at the moment is just a temporary little failure, but an huge long- term success.
Sometimes I am like someone who is climbing the Mount Everest, stumbles about a little stone and feels like a failure- not seeing the long road to get there, not seeing that itīs possible to stand up and move on.
After all, my abilities in reading my Profs mind and learning the right things says nothing about me.
Anybody out there getting my point?
Maybe I am just trying to convince me that I am not a Looser and I am competely wrong.
But I feel semi- good with it- and I am binge free.
I am going to bed now. Tomorrow is a new day, next Friday is a new exam (Social Security Law- bit better at that topic!)
I am healthy.
I am binge free.
I am sober since 2 years, 8 month and a couple of days.
I survived my dark days of depression.
I survived a not always nice childhood, extreme mobbing in school.
So there has to come more to knock me out.
Kate
These are all wonderful things! And the fact that you can recall these in the midst of disappointment shows the kind of character you have.
Oh, Kate, I'm sorry But you have the right attitude in looking at all of the things you've triumphed over. You are not a loser at all. Law school? How many people can even GET INTO law school let alone be where you are right now. You should feel really proud, and I don't know how it works in Germany, but a lot of American lawyers have to take the bar a few times to pass. It's incredibly challenging.
And hey, you might even be surprised to find out you passed the exam. You never know. I would always shock myself getting my college grade reports because I thought I always messed up my final essay exams, but I'd always get an A. It was just paranoia.
Well, I'm going to cross my fingers and hope you DID pass.
Oh, Kate, I almost cried for you when I saw the title of your post. I know how hard you've been working, and how worried you've been about passing.
But your post is so positive. And I agree with you about looking back after a "failure". Not to make excuses, but just to understand who we are and where we've come from.
Sleep well tonight, Kate... we wish you the best for tomorrow. Keep your chin up!!
Well first of all and most importantly LAW school OMG - kudos to you for being able to even tackle law school. I couldn't do that in my wildest dreams!
I admire people who struggle,,,(fail sometimes,,but with positive attitudes jump right back in and go for it again) You have succeeded in many ways,,,and you will continue to do so.
Good on you!
You have had many accomplishments which shows what a achiever you really are. Law school is extremely hard so don't get down on yourself. With your determination I'm sure you will come out a winner.
Thank you all for your encouragement!
I was really moved to tears as I read it...
Ok, there is still a tiny, tiny chance that I passed it. But I thought of the case again and again, and I found out that I missed something there, and there..So the chances that I pass are minimal. Really minimal.
The weird thing is, that there are huge possibilties for me to learn from such a failure. Not only in the meaning of "I really should read more law books".
A really weird thing I notice at the moment are my feelings. My usual reaction was: bad feeling= food/ alcohol. Now I am forced to feel that emotions.
I am learning a lot about me.
Ok, I would LOVE to learn from lucky circumstances. Really. Would be nice.
But maybe itīs really like Nietsche said: "What doesnīt kill us makes us stronger". (I took that really literally several times....).
I read a T- Shirt Slogan from a sports fan yesterday. It went like: A descent is just a startup for reaching the top.
So, oce again, thank you for your encouragement. You all have no idea how much it helps me!
Don't count your failure before it hatches - I know how it feels to KNOW you have failed an exam, but I remember calling home from college in tears because I had failed my first exam, The class was a political science elective, and it was also my first upper level class. (I was a psych major, and really felt out of my element in the first place). The exam was so long, with so many essays, and there was so much information I didn't have the knowledge or time to put in my answers.
My family still teases me because when I got the exam results back, I had missed an A by 5 points!
I'm not saying you're wrong, or that if you are, you passed with flying colors, but wait and see before you decide to beat yourself up (and then still don't do it)!
You are such an inspiration! You have a great mind set and despite what the outcome of your test you have so much to still be proud of! Life tends to seem hardest in the present when we are going through rough times but look ahead and reflect on the past! You will get through this and you are amazing!
Having been through the torture of law school myself, I can tell you that you probably did MUCH better than you think. I won't ever forget going home after my first Contracts exam and SOBBING because I heard people talking after the exam about things I hadn't considered at all. I was utterly convinced I had failed and that I was a complete idiot who didn't deserve to be in law school, and then I got it back and got an A.
So don't be hard on yourself! You wrote the exam, you finished the exam, and you're binge-free and un-depressed! If the exam was as out-there as you say it was (and believe me, some professors do give the most crackfed exams EVER that have nothing to do with the course) then everyone else is in the same boat as you.
Besides, one of the best lawyers I know failed Property Law twice. Even if you do badly on one exam, it doesn't mean you're bad at law. (Just like slipping on a diet doesn't mean you'll fail at it!) I think you have the right attitude -- just pick yourself up and keep going!
kaplods, PinkSnowDays& iconoclast: Thanks for your encouragment!
I know that there is a tiny, tiny chance that I passed. But itīs so tiny..I know that I forgot a few very fundamental things. And I had absolutely no idea what to do while writing it...
After all, I will know it tomorrow. Or Friday. Or Monday. Or... .Ok, my Prof has absolutely no idea that there could be students waiting to get the exam back because there stomach is doing fancy roller coaster rides and they want to know, if they have to do it again.
Next trial for final certificate in Public Law starts on Friday. I hope I know my result then.
you have to believe me that I am normally not that way. Really not. In the past, when I said "I failed in that exam", i was right in 10 of 10 cases. Really.
But past seems to be over....I got my exam result Thursday and I have incredible 8 points (EIGHT!)! (in german Law school you need 4 points to pass, everything above 4 points is luxury).
That means that I am know officially in my Pre- legal bar exam- phase. The exams I have to do at the moment and next semester are already exams for the final exam. I havenīt realized that until 5 Min before the exam started yesterday. I was so happy to be able to pick up my Public Law certificate later that day, that I behaved like Mary Poppins. Fortunately there are always people ready to bring you down....
Would a good topic for a scientific research: Are you feeling less nervous when you are able to bring the people close to you to a nervous breakdown with your "Itīs going to be awful! Nobody is going to survive that exam!"?
I am sorry I created such a mess- but I really thought I had to do it again. Really. Ok, I promise I never complain about results until I get the results again.
Failed, but unwilling to let it bring me down!
But you have the right attitude in looking at all of the things you've triumphed over. You are not a loser at all. Law school? How many people can even GET INTO law school let alone be where you are right now. You should feel really proud, and I don't know how it works in Germany, but a lot of American lawyers have to take the bar a few times to pass. It's incredibly challenging. 
Keep your chin up!!
.Ok, my Prof has absolutely no idea that there could be students waiting to get the exam back because there stomach is doing fancy roller coaster rides and they want to know, if they have to do it again. 
(in german Law school you need 4 points to pass, everything above 4 points is luxury). 