I just need somewhere to basically pour my heart out, because there isn't really anyone I can talk to.

Where do I begin? Basically, I am here feeling sorry for myself. I am a single mom of three. I have a 9 yo and 3 yo twins. My divorce (was final in December) was a complete and utter shock to me, but the break up was two years ago next month and I won't get into that. I am not sorry that we split up given the circumstances, but *damn* I didn't think it (life) would be THIS HARD.

I get up at 5:50 in the morning just so I can try and get a quick workout in, otherwise there literally is not a minute to spare. Get done before 7 (IF I am able to peel myself out of bed for exercise) ready for work and kids dressed and all 3 out of the house by 8:20. Work 9 - 5, pick up twins, pick up older one, get home by 7. Cook dinner, prepare next day's lunches, do laundry, wash dishes, *try* to pay a little attention to the kids, give baths. I never sit down before 9:30 pm at night (which is right now) and I am exhausted ... and I really should be folding the laundry instead of being here. All evening the kids cry and fight. This one hit me, that one took my toy, etc. etc. I have no one that I can even call to watch the kids for a half hour trip to the supermarket. I have to cry in another room because sometimes I can't take the fact that there is never thirty consecutive seconds of quiet in my home.

XH left the state. He hasn't had his normal visition in a couple months, and hasn't seen them in over a month. Anytime someone doesn't get their way, they pitch a fit and scream and cry for Daddy. Boy, do I have to bite my tongue! No child support right now, no help with childcare which costs more than half of my take home pay, yet I don't qualify for childcare assistance!. And that is just the TWINS alone!! I have no where for my 9 yo to go this summer ... and school is out in a week and a half. I am going to go into debt CHARGING my daycare just so I can go to work if something doesn't happen.

I need time to myself sometime, and it just isn't there. And I feel terrible and selfish for needing this, but I feel like I am going to break. I find myself snapping at the kids for things, sometimes even when they aren't doing anything wrong.

I guess I should get to the point!! I would love nothing more than to go into my garage and bring in the fundraiser box of candy and lay in bed, cry, feel sorry for myself and eat it all. My brain knows that it is not the answer, but my heart ... I don't know, I'm just sad and I just feel like I need it. I would love to drown my sorrows in snickers and m&ms and whatever else is in that box, although I know tomorrow I would only pay - I would only hate myself. I slipped up and ate some different candy earlier ... not much at all, but I ate it in an uncontrolled, binge-like fashion which really disturbed me because I hadn't done that in a while. I ended up spraying it with Windex and throwing the rest. I guess it's good that I did that, but it's also PATHETIC that I can't even have chocolate in my house without HAVING to do that.

So, like I said ... I am just feeling sorry for myself. I don't see things changing in my life anytime soon, and I know I just have to grin and bear it, but sometimes it all catches up to me. There is only so much I can take.

Okay, well, I think I have accomplished getting past the candy issue for tonight. Tonight I am skipping laundry and going right to bed, I'm so tired. If you actually read all this, bless you! lol I think I am also pmsing ... I am hoping things will seem better in the morning.

Good night everyone,

Kelly

You're doing better than you know. Instead of eating the candy, you came here which is a MASSIVE achievement in itself.

You're doing an incredibly hard job raising 3 kids by yourself but you know what? YOU'RE DOING IT.

You can't change what their father is or isn't doing, all you have control over is your actions and I honestly think that you're doing better than you feel you're doing.

Go to bed, punch the **** out of your pillow, have a good cry and go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

You are so strong! I'm sorry things are going so badly for you right now, but things will get better! Sometimes its just a matter of surviving until tommorrow, and look how well you've done! Tommorrow's only a couple of hours away!

Oh I wish you could talk to my big sister. She has three boys that she has raised by herself. I commend her all the time when she gets sad or doubtful about what she might have done wrong (two are grown, 18 & 21). And its still hard for her. She has worked her way up to a decent living which helps. She also moved from NJ to CA so I could be there for her. Which I am, I baby sit her 10 year old when its needed (usually dating) But the road has been a long one, failed relationships doomed because of her problematic eldest son, multiple moves becuz of wishful thinking on premature mergers, alcolhol, DEBT.....I'm not trying to upset you further, I have a point. I asked her, "if you could say one thing to a woman who is about to go through what you have been through, what would you say?" She said "Stay strong, believe in yourself, its never as bad as it feels, don't settle, and you WILL triumph over all adversity while making your way to your destiny. Good luck in your adventure." I thought it was well put. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kelly, you dear girl... what a time you're having.
Kiwi, Scooter and Stevi are so right... you're an incredibly strong woman.
But it's okay to have some weak moments. My gosh, I would have "lost it" long ago... anyone would.
I know I can't help you physically, but I will keep you in my prayers. Come here anytime, sweetie...

All I can say is..wow! You have it hard. I thought my life was really hard right now but it cant even compare to yours. Just think though. You are doing it!!! You have lost 102 pounds. Your kids...no matter how hard it is now. They will always love you and will thank you when they are older. Keep your chin up.

Oh, thank you all soooooooooo much for your replies. I teared up reading them. Writing this did enable me to get through the night. Today is another day. I know I can do this/will do this. When I get upset at work, I turn to my left and read a little poem my 9 yo wrote me for Mother's Day:

Mom you're so cool
On time all the time
The house is beautiful thanks to you
Hope you have a good life
Every day so far
Run to me because I love you

(Spells MOTHER downwards)

Thanks again guys, so so much ...

Kelly

Wow, that is what it is really about.

I am a single mom too! Some days I wish I could just run away have some peace, it not good that you don't have anyone to turn to for help. Have you thought about joing a single parent forum? I know that I have met a few really good and sympathic parents there. I don't know if you are in Canada but even if you are not check out Canadian Parents they have a great forum. I am so glad you are feeling better today, don't despair single or not we have all been there with you at some point!

Kelly, that's so beautiful. It's worth more than anything money can buy. I have a few things like that from my children posted over my desk, and they always make me smile.
I hope you're doing okay, hon.