Ok, letīs take a walk at the weird side....
I am thinking about some things in the last days. I am not sure if I can express it right, but maybe someone understands it and can comment on it.
And this (*point at the forum*) is the only place I can rambel about the ED issues, so here I go. (Sorry, I am really willing to bore you- as long as it helps me staying binge free ):
Would staying binge- free be easier if bingeing wouldnīt be connected with weight?
In a Fantasy World (I really would like to spend my next vacation there), where you have your perfect, dream goal weight and how much you weigh is not connected with what you eat (like the colors of your eyes are not connected with calorie intake), would you still have food and bingeing as your drug of choice?


Maybe itīs crazy, but I would answer the questions with Yes and No at the moment. I clearly binge because of the act of bingeing, to supress feeling etc. But I think I binge to stay fat. Because I am afraid of being thin. I was a bit chubby my whole life. I have no experiences with being thin. Getting attention (maybe unwanted) from men....All that stuff. My fat protects me somehow.
I am (like every human being) feel bad sometimes. Itīs not everything alright in my life. And I think I use my fat as a silent (and dumb?) call for help.
I am not so experienced with boys. But if I would be thin, how could i be sure that he loves ME and not only my outer appearance? Being fat as the ultimate partner test...
And now itīs getting more weird: I never was a punk rocker or something. No green hair. Nothing. So I think my fat is a statement that tells society to F****. Itīs a thing about not fitting to the standards.
And my mother wants me to loose weight since I am 6 years old. So that makes me a bit rebellious.
If I think of me being thin, I mostly think that I would do a lot of things different from now. Interestingly, I would do a lot of things that I am afraid of now. So being thin is scary...

I think thatīs why I always ruin this binge free/ weight loos thing for myself.

Anyone followed me until this line?
Any comments?

THanks for reading the long and messy post!

Kate

Wow, Kate. Great question!

Although I was slim and fit up until the age of 23, I didn't like getting attention from men, either. I had a boyish body, ran every day, was (and still am) a staunch feminist, and was pretty much a tomboy; determined to stand out... not as a woman... but as a person.
I'm pretty sure that my weight gain is a direct result of my depression, and I can't wait to get it off. But I can appreciate how fat can become a cloak for others. I've heard a lot of people express that fear of being slim.

It sounds as though your reluctance/difficulty with losing weight has a great deal to do with self-esteem.
I know what you mean about "not being like everyone else", but there's nothing wrong with being healthy. We don't have to be stick-thin, model-like creatures. Just healthy, strong people who are comfortable in our own skins.

You said there are things you would do if you were thin that you don't do now. Do you think that means you're not a "whole" person now, and that you're afraid to be complete?
Do you think that if you started to do some of those things now, you could build up your self-confidence while you're dropping the weight?

If nothing I've said makes sense, it's because I haven't had a coffee yet.

Great question kate,
i will admit i am very afraid of loosing weight, like you i have always had some extra weight. when i look back at pictures of myself i wasn't that fat as a child/teen. i have always felt like i was huge though. my extra weight all has issues connected to self esteem. i know i don't like myself most of the time, i am very critical of myself, i spent a very long time not taking care of myself at all using excuses like i don't have time etc, but in reality i just didn't think i was worth it you know?? just loosing weight isn't going to change those feelings i have for me. that is why as time goes on this isn't so much about loosing to a certain number anymore, it is more about learning to love myself and care for myself by doing good things like eating right and exercising. i have to tell myself this is not a punishment for something i did wrong but it is a positive thing i am doing just for me!! because i am worth it

as far as being scared about doing new things i feel this too, 2 months ago i tackled my first real fear with exercise, i was scared to death when i went to my first class at the Y for water aerobics, i was certain i would last 5 minutes maybe and then fall over of a heart attack or something but i didn't!! i lasted the whole class and went back again and again and it is fun!! now i am not so afraid of exercise, my confidence is built up and i have added to my weekly exercise routine.

i guess what i am trying to say here is i really want to get to the point where i love and care enough to take care of myself, where i am not abusing myself with food or bad thoughts. the point where i am caring for myself as much as i care for my family and friends you know?? like if my friend is not feeling well i don't punch her right?? i give her a hug and some love and support because after all she is my friend. i want to be my own best friend instead of my own worst enemy.

great thoughts kate! hope you get the answers you are looking for.

have a great day everyone and try to be your own best friend today!! (hey i kind of like that thought)

I find exactly the opposite true. It would be IMPOSSIBLE for me not to binge if it wasn't connected with weight. Being thin is my only motivation NOT to binge. The absolute only. Before, of course, it was my health, but now it's just to be thin. Gaining weight stops my binges cold. If I could be thin and eat anything and everything I wanted, I definitely would.

But I must admit that being thin is a little frightening to think about, because I have never been thin. I have no idea what to expect, and I do like the attention so far, but only to a certain extent.

Yes, I do agree with you that being heavy is the ultimate partner test ~ but then some men are crazy about fat chicks. And they are madly and weirdly obsessed about it, I've heard.

And when I am thin (physically thin; I doubt I'll ever be emotionally thin), I can guarantee I still won't fit into society's standards of normalcy. And I'm torn on whether or not I would ever want to be considered normal. I like being abnormal.

Kate~Very interesting, though provoking post

Being thin is only one reason I want to stop bingeing. Another reason is that I don't like feeling that something has so much contol over me. I don't like wasting time thinking of what foods I will consume, obtaining those foods and then stuffing my face with those foods. Life is too short and precious to be preoccupied, imo, with food. The time, money and effort spent fulfiling a binge could be far better spent.

Another concern is, for me, about health. Both of my parents died very young (40's and 50's) of cardiovascular disease. I'll do anything in my power to prevent that kind of suffering.

Another concern is shame. Would I feel the need to hide and conceal my binge behavior? Would I be less able to EVER control my behavior if I just gave in? Would I embarass myself in public? Would I be banned from buffets or thrown out for overconsumption? I could just imagine my picture posted by buffet restaurants ----BEWARE, high binge potential!

Truthfully, I don't know if these reasons would be enough to motivate me to struggle everyday against the binge beast. I may, like Harpo said, just find it "would be IMPOSSIBLE for me not to binge if it wasn't connected with weight".

For me, the weight just provides one more excellent reason to fight the battle agains the binge.

Thanks for your answers!
I read them a few times and thought about the whole issue yesterday night until I fall asleep.
I feel that I am at a critical, but good point for me at the moment. It seems to help me stay binge free. ( )

HarpoChico and telemetrynurse, maybe each person is different (ok, forget maybe: each person IS DIFFERENT.) Weight gain never stopped me from bingeing. It seems to trigger it....Some how...don´t know....OK, I never said that I am a rational and sane person!

The problem at the moment is that I seem to know something deep inside of me, but I have problems explaining that to others. That makes my rambling even more crazy!

All I know is that I would be actually a thin person ( ).
Ok, I was a chubby child, but just because I had a major problem with sports/ exercises (due to a health problem). I ate not too much, but not moving made me a bit overweight. But looking at the pics: I was not that overweight. Somehow I got into that food/weight struggel....My first binge was in puberty.

Ok, it stops making sense here.
I just wanted to state that if I wouldn´t binge on sugary foods I would be one of the "natural thin" persons- strange, but I think it´s true.
I DISLIKE most of the fatty foods. I am vegetarian, close to vegan- because it´s the only food I like. I like whole foods. (Ok, I LOVE sweets. But who does not?)
But something inside of me seems to force me binge and stay fat.
It´s a fear, a fear of life.

And staying fat is a good excuse: everyone understands that you don´t go out when your overweight. That you don´t have a boyfriend. That you are shy. And you can fool yourself: all the bad things will change when I am thin. If I just could loose that 40 pounds everything will be alright. They just don´t like me because I am overweight. That makes me sad, but what frightens me is the thought: What if nothing changes with weight loos? When he/she still don´t like me? It´s easier to say: It´s the fat. Instead of: it´s me. Can change weight, can´t change whole person. Can´t change fate/destiny/ whatever.

Too bad that this is *just internet*- you can see me waving my hands and making funny faces while trying to explain it.

Well, what is more important is a strategy to overcome all of that. I am proud to say that...I don´t have a clue.
But at first I try two things: I try to de- mystify weight loos for me. After all, loosing 40 pounds will just change the size of my trousers. Other things could change: but that isn´t connected with weight loos.
And Plan B: I try to write down what would change when I lose weight. This way I could have a closer look of the things that seem to frighten me. And then I can start to do "thin- things"- no matter how much i weighed.
I think that´s what you mentioned, ellis. I started a bit this week. With dressing "up", don´t hide so much with clothes....

It´s all a self- esteem issue somehow. And maybe it´s a weird self-punishment trip.

I liked what you said justjodi about not punching your friend when she is feeling bad: But that´s what we all do with ourselves. If a person would treat me like I treat myself, I would sue him/her. Let´s try "Love the one your with"!

It´s all so....hmm---hh---äääh....you know, messed up. Don´t get me wrong: It´s not that I get up in the morning and say: Thank God, I am fat! That´s what I wanted! It´s something weird unconsious going on.

And such a long post! Sorry!

Kate

Hey Kate, I know what you are trying to say. I do agree that being fat give you alot of "excuses" (that's a bad word to use), it's easier to accept your short comings.

My sister got really big after having twins. She said she did it to keep the men away. But 25yrs later she is still big and married so I don't know if that is a valid point.

Another thing is that I've seen on tv that women who have gotten the gastric bypass thought that it would "fix" all the bad things in their life too, only to find out that nothing changed but the weight. Some of them had to go to counseling about it.

For me, I think it will help me to be more confident. Since I've started my weight loss I've tried to dress more like I want to, instead of hiding in my clothes. When I sit here and think about it, the fat does make me feel safer sometimes. Like I think oh I'll never be murdered by some sick stalker cause they only go after the thin pretty ones. (I know that is delusional thinking and wrong too). Maybe it's just another lie we tell ourselves to make being "fat" ok. Cause no one wants to be disgusting or an outcast or worse---REJECTED. Wow that was an eye opener for me, I hadn't thought of that before. I guess I am terrified of being rejected. I think everyone likes to feel attractive or believe that in some way you are attractive. So the fat is like protection and a prison at the same time. Since we can't just put it on and take it off as we please...I really want to take it off and just learn to work through my insecurities. I'd rathing be working towards something good and healthy than to sit depressed in my prison.

I hope that that made some sense. Sorry if I stayed from the point. I got started and couldn't stop! It was like binge typing!

Good day girls! This is an interesting topic, and one that has made me really think. Last night I had a breakdown. No, I didn't binge (I'm on day 23 Binge-Free) but I literally laid on my couch in the fetal position with all the lights off and cried my butt off for an hour. The weird/scary part was that I ended up outside laying on the ground crying, and I dont even remember how I got there.. it was past midnight.

the whole point to that is, what made me reach that breaking point, there is a man that works with me that has been very sexually inappropriate with me for the past week or so, and it got pretty bad last week. I think it set me off because, I have been sexually assaulted/harassed by six different men in my life, and keep in mind that some of those men did it multiple times. So I've had ALOT of that in my life, and it just really got to me last night bad. I laid there and wondered, why does this happen to me? is that all I am worth? will I ever be normal and be able to have a good boyfriend (all this has turned me off from ever getting a boyfriend)? I have so many issues rooted by how I've been treated by men. the very first time was when I was a child, and I think that led me to start putting on weight. By age 17 I was 268lbs. Men didn't give me attention, and I liked it that way. Then I started losing weight. I got down to 145 pounds by the time I was 22. Ever since I have lost this weight, that is when the rest of the assaults have started happening. I got fed up with it, started binging again and more frequently and got up to 168 pounds. But I've still been having problems with men, now I have been binge free for over 20 days and have gone down to my current weight of 160. But the whole thing about it is, I don't know if I want to continue losing weight, in fact part of me just wants to start binging and get fat again.

this new guy that has been harassing me is like a stalker now. The other day I was at work and he picked me up and took me to an empty room - i have NEVER been physically picked up in my LIFE! that was such a weird experience. anyway I managed to get out of that but he has been talking vulgar to me and groping me and stuff and I am so disgusting and ashamed by it all, that I can't even tell my boss, or anyone for that matter.

wow I am just going off into a different direction with this thing but I guess I just felt the need to get that off my chest. but there is so much to the binge-weight factor to me. I don't even know if I binge because i just want to end this and get fat, or because I just am addicted to food. But I do know that if binging wasn't connected to weight, I'd definitely still be binging. In fact for as long as I remember, I've always fantasized that if I ever had three wishes from a genie, one would be that I could be thin and eat whatever I want, whenever I want and how much I want, and never gain weight. sad huh! ok this is long enough..but this is a big topic for me, because I just can't understan myself.. am I just addicted to food, or do I just want to be fat? but at the same time I'm not happy when I'm fat either. I don't know!! Gosh I need help!

Wow Hungry! That was deep. The first thing I would say is "yes tell your boss!"...there is nothing to be ashamed of, you didn't do anything wrong! This is your decision so please don't think that I am telling you what to do. I am just telling you what I would do. It sounds serious to me and you didn't like it, so that makes it wrong.

Congrats on not binging and I have had the same thoughts on the genie with three wishes, funny huh?

Kate, I feel like I can really relate to you and your struggle - trying to figure out why you keep the weight on. For the past 10-11 years I have had a big weight problem. I have four kids and after the first three I took the weight off no problem. After the fourth, I was over 30 years old, it was impossible to take it off. Now, after several years and several diets later I will take off up to about 5 pounds and then it's like I go crazy and sabotage myself and eat like a mad woman! I gain all the weight back. It's like I will eat until I have gotten back up to my 230 pounds and pschologically I want to stay there or something. For me personally and professionally (when I was working fulltime - I'm now on disability for a sleeping disorder) weight gave me a confidence that I never had as a slim woman. I always felt taken advantage of when I was thin, I always felt victimized by men and now that I'm fat, nobody bothers me and I love it quite frankly. When I talk, people - men in particular are afraid of me! I love it! I never had that kind of power as a thin woman. I was never taken seriously and was never promoted or considered for more responsibility on the job. For me (I know this sounds like it should be the reverse) the weight almost gave me credibility as a serious-minded individual who had something to say. Noone was distracted by my looks or waistline, they had to look directly at "me" now. I am also a sexual abuse survivor, so I know that has a whole lot to do with my weight problem also, but for many years I stayed thin. I think that when I finally let myself go, weight-wise, I felt a sense of empowerment that I hadn't experienced as a thin person. I know maybe that sounds crazy to most people, but that was my experience. It is hard for me to give that up. I got so tired of all those years when I would voice an opinion and hear, "oh, why don't you just sit there and be quiet and look pretty". Now I want to lose weight because I want to feel more attractive and also - and mainly now - for health reasons. But, it is especially hard to try and get motivated to lose weight when being overweight has actually provided me with more respect than I'd ever had in my life. Can anyone else relate to this?

bigfattyYes, your statement made perfect sense to me! In my opinion being fat "softens" (not really, but I canīt think of a better word here) the rejection. You know, you can still say: he/she doesnīt reject ME, just the fat (me). There is still hope left that you wonīt be rejected when you lost weight.
Somehow I had to think of a T-Shirt I saw a few months ago: I am fat. You are ugly. I can loose weight. But what can you do?

hungry2live: I am sorry that you have such a terrible time!!
But, excuse me, what kind of idiot was that?? Right from the stone age? Find woman, my woman, carry away. Ugh.
I agree with bigfatty, I would talk to my boss or another trustworthy person in the company. But itīs easy to say what I would do- I am not in your situation.
I wish I could say something to help you! I am thinking of you. Take good care of yourself.

Well, if the genie with the three wishes (why is that always THREE wishes? Why not four?Anyway.) and I would take the "Donīt gain weight no matter how much you eat"- wish, I think I would stop eating so much. So the temptation, the forbidden things are passe.....Maybe some foods are the pink elephant for me- you know the story? You are allowed to think of everything EXCEPT a pink elephant. And you are going to think so much of that cute animal.....

AspiringButterfly: I can relate totally to that! Your post gave me somehow another puzzle piece- I knew it somehow but I couldnīt put it in words. Thanks for that!
I had an experience a few months ago: I am working as an online journalist for a weblog from time to time. There was a intern in January. She was thin, she was pretty. Very pretty. And all the male reader (there was a pic on the website) went nuts. There were comments about her outer appearance and thoughts that she was hired because of her looks. (I have to say that I was really, really jealous. I was jealous because she is intelligent and pretty. Strange, unfair and dumb.). So I thought: well, if they would see me it will be clear for everybody that I am there because of my skills and not because of looks.
That and my jealosy set my on a huge binge. For month. Gained around 10 pounds.
Someone was asked how she thought **** would be. She answered: Her personal **** would be a room full of highly intelligent and charming Supermodels. I liked that statement. You see, I really have this dumb thinking structure: beautiful- dumb, not so beautiful- intelligent.

I really should stop wondering about my abilities to knock myself out- there is a lot going on under the surface of my binges....

But no matter what, I would consider myself as a food addict as well. I just try to figure out why I choosed this drug and what the traps and stones on my way to recovery are.

Thanks for reading my back and forth, up and down ramblings!
But maybe itīs helpful for someone else- even if someone thinks "Thank God that i am not so crazy!" after reading my post! Everyone can do something- and sometimes itīs just being the bad example....

Kate

Thats a very insightful question. I think that sometimes I tend to binge to sabotage myself when I'm dieting. As we all know so well, it's hard to stay away from "forbidden foods", but if they had not calories, they wouldn't be forbidden, and I don't think we'd want them as much. At least I wouldn't. Thanks for the food for thought.

yeah that's probably true...there is something about doing what's forbidden right? (I mean even Eve took the forbidden fruit--no offense to those who disagree). It's so tempting, I wonder if it would be as good to us if we were allowed to eat it, or even more if it was good for us. It's hard to judge because we've been told our whole lives telling us just that.

Kate- I really can't answer that question. If the two were not connected, I don't know where I'd be.Maybe if I didn't gain weight from binging I'd find another way to damage myself.
It's interesting what you said about being afraid to be thin. I think I have that too. All I know is that as soon as I start getting compliments on losing weight I immediately react by binging.
What does that say about me?
Maria

Wow... great comments from everyone.

Hungry2Live, I just wanted to send you a big hug... I agree with the other ladies... don't put up with that! As Kate said, it can't be easy talking to your boss about it, but no one should be treated that way. You deserve better. Thinking of you, sweetie...