Hi.. I have been off the forum for ages. I feel like such a fraud My weightloss is going backwards and I have even put on weight over the past few weeks.

I have started seeing a psychologist to help me deal with some childhood abuse I experienced. I use food as a coping mechanism and my weight as a protective barrier. I feel as if everyday I continue these really destructive behaviours is yet another do I continue to be a victim. I know that the therapist will be really helpful in the longrun, but right now I feel really exposed and vulnerable. I have never told anyone this stuff before and it has made me feel really raw. My eating is pretty out of control at the moment.

So I am asking for some help. This is always such a supportive forum and I would love to hear any advice, wise words or experiences. Also good book recommendations.

Thanks.

marianna
it is so hard dealing with emotional issues and trying to be good to ourselves. you most certainly are not a fraud girl!! you just hit a rough patch and need to get back on a good path! great step going to see a professional to help with your issues. keep giving it your best shot everyday you will find your way! remember we are all here for you!!

Marianna, I echo what Jodi said. Don't get down on yourself.
I think it's wonderful that you're seeing a therapist. You're going to feel pretty raw for awhile, but try to relax and let go of stuff. It really is a good thing to have someone to talk to about those kind of issues... before you know it, you'll be a therapist-junky like the rest of us.
We're here for any kind of support you need.

I recognise everything you are saying here. Its always a shame to see that this happened to someone else. Good on you for going to therapy - it certainly helped me a lot. For me everything started changing when I decided that I was no longer a victim - I was a survivor. Once you choose this you feel much more in control. You have survived already - you just need to acknowledge that. You should be very proud of yourself.

After what you have lived through you can do anything. I truly believe that.

I'd say dont beat yourself up about the weight gain. You are doing a really hard thing. Try not to go food crazy but maybe put the diet on hold until you feel ready. You can't do everything at the same time and opening all your emotional boxes is quite enough to be doing! Maybe once those boxes are cleared out a bit then you'll be able to lose weight and focus on that. That's certainly what happened to me. Just my opinion though - you are in control of you so its very important that you do exactly what you want to do.

x

Thanks you all for the support.. it means a lot right now.

That is exactly it Coley.. I just don't want to be a victim any longer. Way too much of my life has been given over to this.. having not spoken of it before it has just been so overwhelming, but I want to make real lasting change in my life and I couldn't just keep burying it down and living in fear of the shame.

I actually am feeling quite strong this afternoon... just raw.

Much love to you all.

I want to recommend some books that I have found to be very insightful and real. Geenen Roth is the author and she has writen a handful of books on the weight- emotion connection. Some are rather old, written in the 80's, so they are usually in libraries, but I feel her compassion and awareness is very relevent. "Feeding the Hungry Heart", "When Food is Love", "Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating", just a few titles. I refer to them a lot. Be well.

Hello.......
I want you to know that your food addiction is your coping mechanism, but I know you already know that. Food is ruining my life as well, but it could as well be drugs, alcohol, gambling, I'm already on the border line of compsulive shopping. All of those things can be avoided, stay away from malls, casino's, bars, parties.... but,WE HAVE TO EAT!!! that is why this addiction is so hard to overcome.
I'm so tired of it dictating how I feel and my path for the day. I'm tired of waking in the morning with a dry mouth from a horrible binge and feeling worthless. I am intelligent, I have a great profession, wonderful kids who are dean's list at college. I have health in my family, SO WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? I have been binge free for two days, got very cocky and said I could do this. Last night I was very hungry and made a meal, only to start my progression into a box of crackers, jar of mayo, ziti with sauce, large can of soup, sleeve of saltines. Grant it my period is approaching and my hunger this cycle seems insatiable where I am very hungry, I should have planned better, so here I sit not as cocky as I was yesterday. This is a disease that will consume my life the rest of my life... please know you aren't alone...
Here are some the things that help me to stay in control
I eat three meals a day with two small snacks inbetween, usually thats how I get my fruit in. I rate my hunger on a 1-10 on each meal. At the end of the day I journal how I felt about my food choices and why I chose them. This all takes work but my recovery is going to be work...
I drink lots of water.
No one knows how bad this addiction is. I have only confided in one friend who is in a simliar boat as I am. Although she understands, she is in denial of why she binges, she needs to see a therapist. My husband of 22 years doesn't know, although he might suspect, I have never binged in front of him, and I always hide the evidence.I've been on antidepressants, valium, been to a nutrionist and tons of classes on "good eating". In the 90's I sought out therapy, six months into it I found this guy was the wrong person for me, I felt my self esteem was worse when I left him, I'll never forget the day he told me "I won't be the smartest nurse on the floor".. but.. bla bla bla.. I never heard another word... walked out and never went back...
Life is so much more than stuffing my face for a temporary high....
I wish everyone a grand day and a day of control
Purple~

I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but I think you're finally on the right track. In time, you'll need food less and less as a coping mechanism. But if you need it as a coping mechanism right now, then perhaps you could make subtle alterations in the kind of food you're eating. Maybe gradually add more fruits and veggies, or once a day substitute yogurt for ice cream, that sort of thing.

Exercise is also a great mechanism for coping with stress, so if you're not already active, perhaps you could get out of the house once a day for a ten or twenty minute walk.

Just don't be hard on yourself. Change isn't an overnight thing, as you know well by now. Please hang in there and don't get discouraged.

Joyce Meyers' book: The BattleFIeld of the MInd really helped me face my issues. She had the same type of problems as you Marianna. Each day is a test. You can't go through it alone- you have to call on someone way bigger than you and way bigger than any person or thing (including food).
I know you will find comfort in this book. Try it- you'll see.