thoughts
 

Hi. I used to post on these boards about three years ago, but I've just returned. The subject of eating disorders caught my attention. I'm seeing a councilor right now to work on my low self esteem, and she tells me that I have an eating disorder. We are working on it, but slowly as it is very painful for me. I grew up with my mom constantly obsessing on her weight, on my weight, on dieting, on food, etc. She would critisize me and help me go on diets, but at the same time she was encouraging me to binge and always had junk food around. It just messed up my head... meanwhile I was being verbally abused by my peers at school for being fat... even though I *wasn't* fat. It was a real shocker for me when I realized that I actually wasn't a fat child. I looked at my childhood photos a few years ago and was stunned to see a very normal looking little girl.
I've always been thinking about dieting, about food, about how fat I look. It's always on my mind. I've never been able to deprive myself of food or to purge, but I do binge and obsess about food. I'm 5'6" and weigh around 155 right now. My councilor keeps telling me that I am not fat, but I just can't believe her. I feel very fat, and when I look at my body, I see fat. My heighest weight, about three years ago, was around 170. I got down to about 150 but couldn't maintain it, and went back up to about 155, which is where I've been for about 2 years.
I'm trying to identify why I binge and how to stop it. I know that if I feel tired or weak or very hungry or even thirsty, it can trigger a binge. If I've had a bad day, or an intense counciling session, it can trigger a binge too. Or sometimes I just really really want to eat something sweet. And once the thought of binging gets into my mind, it feels like I can't stop it from happening. I can't think clearly and I can't think of what the consequences will be. It's like just thinking of the binge has already started me onto a course of action and I can't get out of it until I've binged.

I'm just trying to get an understanding of the process. I still feel like I can't possibly be happy with myself unless I've lost weight. And I feel that if I did start to believe that I was pretty or that I look ok at this weight, it would be just be denial... that if I accept myself as I am, that it would just be giving up my lifelong dream of losing weight, or just ignoring the problem. Losing weight is the only option I see. I know that this thinking is part of the disorder, but I still feel like I am legitimately fat and that something needs to be done about it. I'd really like to hear from other people who have lived with these kind of thoughts, and what they've learned and how they've dealt with it. Thanks.

I can relate
 

Momo I can relate to what you are going through. My parents, too, perseverated on appearances and obsessed about haveing us all be a "nice" family w/ no wieght issues, no substance abuse issues, church going, well dressed, thin,etc., etc. On my mother's death bed she told my sisters and me (not the boys) that we had better lose weight or we would end up like her,(she smoked for 55 years), divorced, in a bad second marriage, and dieing unhappy. She never, as far as I can remember, had a weight problem like my sisters and me (I'm 260).
I too look at pictures of myself when I was young an realize that I was not fat. I was beautiful and veluptuous(sp). Since reading "Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating" by Geneen Roth I realize that I still am. This book has been a God-send and I highly recommend it. You may even consider having your counselor read it as well so she can help you w/ some of the issues.

You can contact me any time if you need to talk more.

:wave:
Yvette
[email protected]

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I too have an eating disorder. After years of being told I was fat, I have recently starved myself to lose 40 pounds (I am currently 114). It is those thoughts in your head that keep telling you if you lose just a few more pounds you will be a better and happier person, but it doesn't.

When I weigh myself and see that I have lost weight, I feel happy, but then I get depressed that I still feel and look fat, even though I am lighter. This makes me angry and I starve myself again. It is a terrible cycle that is very hard to break.