[f(x)]

I'm not sure about you guys but the holidays have been very hard for me. I was doing pretty well up until the 2nd week in December. I went through finals at school which always stresses me out and gets me eating unhealthy foods. I have kept trying to get back on plan but there are way too many sweets around. This year I did very little baking and what little I did do I made 1/2 the amount. My mom wanted me to make a big fruit cake but I made one small loaf because I knew if I made it I'd being eating it. All my customers gave me sweets all of which I threw out expect one banana cake which I am ashamed to say I ate all on my own in the course of a single day. Our Christmas dinner looks to be pretty healthy over all and for desert we are having small individual pastries instead of full pies or cakes. It's the only way I can think about some sort of portion control.

This year I am very seriously going to be looking into the program laid out in Overcoming Overeating. I realize my main problem is binge eating not an overall overeating pattern. I know I have a rotten body image and have also sorts of issues with men and sex. I have decided that maybe I can deal with life without my weight to protect me. I am very afraid that if I let men back into my life I will be emotionally destroyed yet another time. I have been thinking a lot of about this and feel as if I am ready to lose weight and if men show up it does not mean I have to get into a relationship unless I want to. The problem is I don't trust myself and am afraid I will once again get trapped in a bad relationship and have to practically chew of a body limb in order to get out. I don't feel as if I have the emotional stamina to over come another heartbreak. I can say in all honesty I have enjoyed being invisible these past few years and frankly I think it saved my life when I was feeling very emotionally venerable and devastated. I guess now I am seeing that there may be another way to care for myself in a manner that is more healthy and that comes from a place of strength rather than fear.

I would really like to hear from others who have been off program for the holidays and are getting ready to try again.

[princess197113]

fx, I understand what you are going thru. I know that FEAR is at the root of my compulsive eating. I am also afraid of men on some level, even my woderful bf who accepts and loves me at this aweful weight. I hate to think of it, but I am starting to believe that facing the fear of intimacy and the primitive fear of emptiness that I experience w/out my "crutch" is the only way to move thru this. I screwed up too after Thanksgiving, I had lost 12 pounds and felt good and hopeful, then I had one bit of something and it was over. I will not try again until after the Hollidays. Keep your chin up-your not alone!

[sweet_pea]

hey there. i am "off program" too. truthfully what i need is a sensible eating program. the deprivation of trigger foods breeds such a sense that i am missing out that i feel really bad

moderation is what i need. i binge eat as well as emotional eating and it's doing me no good!!! i want to get back on track. not sure about going back to OA or whether i might do something else but definitely self work is the key

as my sponsor says all addictive behaviours disappear once you get yourself in balance.
my problem? i just can't think long term. all i can think is the short term benefit of feeling good right here and now. of pushing down pain, boredom or whatever. i now have some friends who are healthy eaters (and they exercise a lot too) so i feel more pressure to be trim, energetic and healthy like them. of course the fact they are slim doesn't help. in fact one is petite. i swear she has no fat on her at all.

on the plus side i am feeling motivated to change...
on the other side my motivation doesn't tend to last lol

[MyThreeTots]

Poor dear, I felt so bad reading that you're afraid to get involved with men and get hurt. For some reason that comment really stuck out. But the good news is that you know this. It takes some people years and years and years to figure out "why" they feel they need protection in the form of weight. You are a smart cookie. Big hugs to you; I know it's hard. I really feel you can do this. Just go easy on yourself, be understanding of yourself, keep searching for answers but without self-blame or self-judgement. As you said, you've been protecting yourself. That's a very noble and brave thing. You could have just given up. You could have just broken down. Instead you used protective measures that worked *at the time*. Now, it's time for something new. Stick with us here, we can all get through this!