Funnies
 

I don't know about you, girls, but I could use a few laughs. Anybody have any good email jokes? :wave:


Subject: FW: Airplane Jokes

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

LOL, I love it!

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. :D
~~~~~~~~~

How to clean the toilet

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
and put both lids up.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards
the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self
agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come
from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)

5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people
between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!


Sincerely, The Dog

Driving with Penguins

While on patrol, a California State Police Officer spotted a car with two penguins in the back. He pulled the car over and told the driver that he'd have to take the penguins to the local zoo.

A couple weeks later the officer passed the same car and again saw the penguins in the back seat. He pulled the car over and was shocked to discover that the penguins were wearing bathing suits and sunglasses.

He demanded to know why the penguins had not been taken to the zoo.

The driver replied, "I did take them to the zoo. Today we're going to the beach."

A man owned a small business in Georgia The Wage and Hour Department of Georgia claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help, and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my Mechanic who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week"

"The Mechanic's helper has been here for 18 months, and I pay him $500 a month."

"Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him Cigarettes & Beer," replied the Owner.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.

The Owner says, "That would be me."

More Funnies
 

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
>>while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help
>>but think, from listening to you, that you're from
>>Ireland."
>>
>>The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
>>
>>The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might
>>you
>>be?"
>>
>>The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
>>
>>The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what
>>street
>>did
>>you live on in Dublin?"
>>
>>The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on
>>McCleary
>>Street in the old central part of town."
>>
>>The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did
>>I!!
>>
>>And to what school would you have been going?"
>>
>>The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
>>
>>The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I.
>>
>>Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
>>
>>The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
>>
>>The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon
>>us!
>>I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
>>tonight.
>>Can you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own
>>self."
>>
>>About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
>>beer.
>>
>>Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head &
>>mutters,
>>"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"
>>
>>Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
>>
>>"The Kelly twins are drunk again."
>>

LMAO ... thanks for the laughs! Too funny!

Living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up and unplugged the T. V.

Outside a jeweller's shop:
EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT

Outside an electrical store:
WHY GO ELSEWHERE TO BE CHEATED
WHEN YOU CAN COME IN HERE!

Sign in a laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING
MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a dress shop window:
DON'T STAND OUTSIDE AND FAINT
- COME IN AND HAVE A FIT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE
STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT
BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE
TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER
PRE-PACKED BAG

20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In the window of a dry cleaner's:
SAME DAY DRY CLEANING - ALL
GARMENTS READY IN 48 HOURS

Road sign:
TURN RIGHT FOR THE FAIRY
GLEN. BEWARE OF HEAVY LORRIES

At the zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE
ELEPHANTS. IF YOU HAVE ANY PEANUTS OR BUNS
GIVE THEM TO THE KEEPER ON
DUTY.

In an office:
AFTER TEABREAK STAFF SHOULD
EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN
ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
'THIS IS THE GATE OF
HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.'
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED
BECAUSE OF THE DRAUGHT.
PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a furniture shop:
OUR MOTTO: WE PROMISE YOU THE
LOWEST PRICES AND WORKMANSHIP

Sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS
BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING -
BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET
A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

In a grocery shop:
TRY OUR LOCAL BUTTER.
NOBODY CAN TOUCH IT

In a Chinese restaurant:
IF YOU ARE SATISFACTORY PLEASE
TELL YOUR FRIENDS. IF YOU ARE NOT
SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL THE
WAITER

Outside a farm:
CATTLE PLEASE CLOSE GATE

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales:
THE TWON HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL
OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER
BEING OPENED. OPEN
TOMORROW

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY
FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Sign on a farm gate:
DOGS FOUND WORRYING WILL BE
SHOT

In a restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITING
STAFF RUDE SHOULD SEE THE MANAGER

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO
OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a smart shop:
NO CHILDREN ALOUD

Seen outside a travel agency:
WHY DON'T YOU GO AWAY?

Notice in a pet shop:
BIRDS GOING CHEEP!

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE
DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign in a picture shop:
LET US PUT YOU IN THE PICTURE
AND FRAME YOU

In an electrical shop:
WHY SMASH YOUR PLATES WASHING
UP? LET ONE OF OUR DISHWASHERS DO IT
FOR YOU

Sign at a garden fete:
BABY SHOW. ALL ENTRIES
TO BE HANDED IN AT THE GATE

In a cafe window:
WAITRESSES REQUIRED FOR
BREAKFAST

Found in a butcher's shop:
THESE SCALES ARE ACURATE NO
TWO WEIGHS ABOUT IT

Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:
YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON US

Notice in restaurant:
OUR CUTLERY IS NOT MEDICINE SO
PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT AFTER MEALS

Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
VISIT SANTA'S GROTTO. NO
WAITING - WE'RE THE ONLY STORE IN NEW
YORK WITH THREE SANTAS

Seen at an American undertaker's
OSCAR'S FUNERAL PARLOUR -
WHERE YOU'LL ALWAYS FIND A SMILE

Notice in a London park:
NO WALKING, SITTING OR PLAYING
ON THE GRASS IN THIS PLEASURE PARK

Seen in a Coventry Factory:
ANY MEMBER OF STAFF WHO NEEDS
TO TAKE THE DAY OFF TO GO TO A
FUNERAL MUST WARN THE FOREMAN
ON THE MORNING OF THE MATCH

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON
PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT
COUNCIL

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS
WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST
ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES
BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO TO THEIR
BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Sign in a chemist's shop:
WE DISPENSE WITH ACCURACY

Spotted in a garden centre:
UP THESE STEPS FOR THE SUNKEN
GARDEN

Sign on a newly painted bench:
WET PAINT. WATCH IT OR
WEAR IT

Seen in a watch shop:
PLEASE WAIT PATIENTLY TO BE
SERVED. I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS

Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
REPAIRS AND ALTERATIONS DONE
HERE. DYING ARRANGED

Road sign:
STEEPLE BUMSTEAD: LEFT 3
MILES

RIGHT 3 MILES

STRAIGHT AHEAD 3 MILES

Sign outside pet shop:
NO DOGS ALLOWED

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS
HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE
DISPOSED OF

Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
HOT AND COLD RUNNING IN ALL
ROOMS

Notice in Keighley restaurant:
FROM MONDAY OUR CATERING
ASSISTANTS WILL BE PLEASED TO SERVE
CUSTOMERS TO THE VEGETABLES

Seen outside a fire station:
FIRE STATION - NO SMOKING

Notice on Norfolk village shop:
HALF-DAY CLOSING ALL DAY
WEDNESDAY

Sign in London pizza parlour:
OPEN 24 HOURS - EXCEPT 2 A.M.
- 8 A.M.

Seen outside dancing academy:
PLEASE MIND THE STEPS

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR
PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE
WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR
CAR

Circus poster:
BIFFO BROTHERS' CIRCUS,
FEATURING MARVO, THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE
WORLD. IN TOWN ALL
WEAK

Sign outside a church in Hemel Hempstead:
THE LAST WORLD WAR.
WHERE AND WHEN WILL IT BE FOUGHT?
ST. MARGARET'S, HARTFORD
STREET ON TUESDAY 22ND FEBRUARY
AT 7:00 P.M.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN
AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Sign in a tea shop:
TODAY'S SPECIAL. POT OF
TEA WITH STONES AND JAM, L1

Spotted in a golf club:
GOLFERS PLEASE DO NOT DRINK
AND DRIVE

Seen in a college:
THIS WEEK'S LECTURE:
UNDERWATER LIFE BY PETER FISH

Notice in hairdresser's window:
STYLIST WANTED. GOOD PAY
AND FRINGE BENEFITS

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO
CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES

Sign at the tennis club:
WOULD SPECTATORS PLEASE BE
QUIET BURING MATCHES AND LET THE PLAYERS
RAISE A RACQUET

Spotted at the railway station:
PASSENGERS ARE ASKED NOT TO
CROSS THE LINES - IT TAKES AGES FOR US
TO UNCROSS THEM AGAIN

Notice at the zoo:
CHILDREN FOUND STRAYING WILL
BE SENT TO THE LION ENCLOSURE

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS
LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)

Sign in office block:
LIFT OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE ELEVATOR

Traffic sign:
PARKING RESTRICTED TO 60
MINUTES IN ANY HOUR

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH
TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST
LEFT

Notice in church hall:
ELECTRICAL SPECIALIST WILL BE
HERE ON THURSDAY MORNING TO SHOW
PARISHIONERS HOW TO WIRE PLUGS
AND MAKE SMALL REPIARS. FOLLOWED
BY A LIGHT LUNCH

Sign spoted in farmyard:
MANURE FOR SALE. BRING
YOUR OWN BUCKET

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Sign in a Japanese hotel:
SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT
NO TROUSERS

Sign in Swiss hotel:
DO YOU WISH TO CHANGE IN
ZURICH? DO SO AT THE HOTEL BANK!

Sign in Italian hotel:
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR LIGHT
HANGER. IF YOU WISH MORE LIGHT SEE
MANAGER

Sign in Australian hotel:
IN CASE OF FIRE PLEASE DO YOUR
UTMOST TO ALARM THE HALL PORTER

Sign in French hotel:
IN THE EVENT OF FIRE THE
VISITOR, AVOIDING PANIC, IS TO WALK DOWN
THE CORRIDOR TO WARN THE
CHAMBERMAID

Sign outside a French cafe:
PERSONS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
OCCUPY SEATS IN THIS CAFE WITHOUT
CONSUMING

Sign in
Egyptian
hotel:
IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE,
PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, `ROOM
SERVICE!'.

Ellis if I didn't know you better I'd think you were trying to make us laugh...or at least smile LOL



Snort ~~~

A Christmas Tradition.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.


Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress!


Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.


So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.


Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.