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I'm sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong spot, but I wasn't sure.

Anyway, hello. I'm pretty much new, though I've been lurking. I don't know what kind of eating disorder you could classify me as having, because I'm kind of a mix. Generally I am just obsessive, I count calories and I restrict myself, I am constantly thinking and worrying about eating and gaining weight. I haven't had my period since the summer.

Recently, I've been having some crazy binging/purging episodes. They used to be rare, but now I've been going out of my way to eat as much as possible, just so "it will all come up easier" when I purge. It's out of control and the worst part is, I don't even like the food I'm eating. I'd probably feel less guilty if I was at least binging on pizza or ice cream or something I at least liked, but instead I just gorge myself on cereal or granola bars.

I totally and completely went astray these past few days. Today I had 3500 calories, yesterday I had 2500. I did throw up a bit, but not all. Unfortunately I overflowed the toliet today and I had to lie to my Mom and told her I had the stomach flu. And then I couldn't even throw up after my dinner binge.

I'm telling myself that I am going to fast for a week to make up for it. I mean, that's like 6000 calories in two days - I can't forgive that. It's something I've been planning for a few days but each time I've messed up by eating something small, and then I use that as an excuse to screw everything and binge. I don't know if I can really hold out that long, though. Maybe a few days - but could I not eat for a week? I would be willing to try if I had nothing going on in my life, but I have schoolwork and activites and I can't let myself fail tests over this.

I'm about 117 lbs, and 5'5". My goal weight is 115. I'm so damn close and it's killing me. I keep telling myself that once I reach 115, and I can try and recover. I really hope I can do this. I'm aiming for 115 by December 1st - that gives me a week to lose 2 lbs and whatever damage I did during the two day binge. I don't know if it's even possible but I have to try.

I guess I'm saying all this because I do want help. I'm completely divided, one part of me wants to stop and the other refuses to. I'm miserable and I want to just relax and learn to love myself again. But I can't do that until I am at least 115. I don't even care if I gain 10 lbs afterwards, as long as I can say in the future that I weighed 115, I did it, I can live with myself.

The fast won't even be primarily for weight loss. I mean, it's a part of it, yes, but I really just think that if I totally eliminate solid foods from my diet for a week than maybe I can learn to stop my binging.

Maybe this is all crazy. I don't know. I'm really pleading for some feedback, advice, whatever. There's nobody in my life that I can talk to about this, and I'm craving understanding. I'm sorry if this is out of place, but I'm desperate.

Gosh, I just want to reach out and give you my hand, and we can work through this together! I was not to long ago at the same point you were; wanting to get help because I knew what I was/am doing to my body is bad, yet I can't seem to change my ways. I too found myself frazzled and alone, and it took a while, but now I've told my closest friends, my mom(who still doesn't understand, and is still kinda in denial that there is anything wrong with me) and I reached out to my aunt who is a doctor, and she said that it looked as if I had a mixture of both anorexia and bulimia. I then felt so alone and so ready to try and overcome it, I told my school counselor, who has been more than helpful. Through her, my mom finally broke down and I just had my first pyscologist appointment on Monday... it was AMAZING. I learned so much about the disease, and what triggers it for me, and that it's not just something that will go away, but something you have to fight and need lots of support with. I trick myself sometimes into believing there's nothing wrong with me, and then, I'll stop fighting it and then WHAM! it hits me like a freight train, and I'm back in my cylcle of binging and purging. And as if that wasn't enough, I'd take a alxative, and the next day feel so sick I wouldn't eat anything at all, then the rest of the week is just wonderful. But, it does border obsessive, however, this I can control, whereas this other part of the disorder, when it's around completely controls me.

Honey, I really encourage you to call a hotline, or tell your mom that this is serious. Don't think about how she'll react, just tell her. With my mom, it took numerous tear filled attempts just to tell her I think I have an eating disorder. I really want you to know that you're not alone in this, and that I'm only a mouse click away should you need anything. I know that you want help, or you wouldn't have said anything. Believe me, I know I want help and to get better, and all the same behaviors are still there, I'm just learning how to control them. Even after admitting to my family and friends and counselor, I still go through my same cycle, despite the pressure. And one last thing before I absolutley collapse from exhaustion; most eating disorders have nothing to do with how much you weigh, or how you look. I t sounds funny, I know. You will be in my prayers, and my best thoughts are with you to get the help you need. Feel free to talk to me, maybe we can work through our simialr problems together; start a little support sympathy system!

Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot to me.

There is definitely part of me that is dying for help, because I confessed it to two school friends during a party (I was unfortunately a little bit drunk, but again, I drank on purpose - I felt I needed an excuse to spill the truth) and they were shocked. I mean, not shocked that I had a disorder, because they suspected, but they were mostly apalled at the details about how I would purge and how I was so obsessive. Most people say, "Well, just stop. Just eat something and don't worry about it", but of course I could never do that. And while it felt incredible to finally tell somebody, I'm regretting it now because they've told a few other mutual friends and I really don't want to have to deal with their reactions. Everyone's been acting weird around me, like they're afraid I'm about to make myself vomit right in front of them or something.

I'd been contemplating a school guidance conselor. But I'm too afraid. I don't think I could just randomly walk into a stranger's office and admit something like that. I don't want my parents to find out. They're going through a hard time right now and I don't want everyone to worry about me. Especially because there's nothing really wrong with me, I'm not in any immediate health danger.

I would love to just talk to a psychologist. I envy you. But I'd feel too guilty about burdening my parents.

You said eating disorders aren't really about food/weight, and you're so right. For me, my eating disorder has everything and has nothing at all to do with my weight or eating. It's like I use the scale and my reflection in the mirror as an excuse to justify what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm doing it, but it doesn't feel like me doing it anymore. It used to. I used to feel proud of myself for being informed of what I put into my body but now it's like this horrible inner voice tormenting me.

I'm constantly fighting myself. I have an eating disorder. Shut up, you're just using that as a label. There's nothing wrong with you, stop pretending, you know you can stop whenever you want. I keep setting goals for when I'm going to stop. It was 120 a few weeks ago. I'm very determined to be 115 just so I can feel accomplished.

There's a few things holding me back from recovery, and the first is denial. I can never make up my mind whether I'm truly sick or not. And if I'm not really sick, then there's no need to get better, right? Maybe I can just stop on my own. I haven't really tried. I always say I'm going to start tomorrow and try, but then I'll binge and I'll get scared of gaining weight if I try maintaining for the rest of the week. Yesterday I was supposed to start my "don't count anything, just eat healthy and tone up" plan but I ended up having a nighttime binge and things went downhill from there. What should I do? I can't start fresh this week since I have 6180 calories from yesterday and today alone. If I try to eat normally, I'll just gain weight. And I can't let that happen so close to my goal. I am planning on fasting for as long as possible to make up for it, but I've never totally fasted before and I'm afraid I'll just be setting myself for another eventual binge.

I've got to stop rambling. I'm sorry, but I haven't really talked about this to anyone so I get carried away. Thank you again for all your kind words. I'm honestly excited for you, I hope you get better. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone. I've been so lonely lately, partially because I chose to avoid social gatherings where I might eat food, or because when I am around my friends I just feel awkward and different and sad.

I saw your profile and I noticed you're a senior. I'm 16 and a junior in High School. I'd love to keep hearing from you and how you're doing. :^:

Thanks you for the encouragement, but the truth is, i'm still sturggling just as much as you with my eating disorder. I rally don't know what was the final push to really admit that I an eating disorder, because I had those same battles and still have those same battles in my head.... all the time. I've learned so much about this disorder, and made it a point to. I really don't know what else to tell you, other than to maybe go see a school counseslor. They can be the perfect link between you and your parents. And what you said about not burndening your parents with this, i'm soory but that's bs, you are their sole responsibilty in life! And, i'm no expert, except for what I know to be true about myself, but maybe one of the reasons you turned to this disorder, that in the beginning you probably had complete control over, and now controls you; may just be how you deal with your problems, because in the beginning, it was the only thing in a mess of a life you could control. This, is, at least how it started with me; I've been really sickly thin, and pulled out a little, and then obviously wasn't strong enough to fight it on my own, and the disease just mutated. I used to think it was all about losing weight, and that's what I truly wanted, but now I'm slowly starting to realize that my pre-occupation with the scale was just something to take my mind off the bullshit family problems I'm always seeming to encounter. I too, like you, just wanted to be 115, in the time it took me to get there, I had grown to inches, when I got to this "goal" weight of mine, I truly became anorexic, and bulimic at times. I was soon down to 105lbs. and sickly looking; but I still thought I needed to lose weight. This disease morphes your perspective, about everything really. I told them all I'd gain weight, because when your own boyfriend says you don't look good, there's definately something wrong. So, I tried and tried to change my habits of eating next to nothing, running 3-4 miles daily, and still doing my other activities, and when I'd eat more thatn usual, the food came right back up. Now, this was a year ago, when I guess I sort of just tried to do it on my "own", but clearly, it didn't work, and it's actually gotten worse.

I can relate to everything you're saying, because I've either been there, or am at that same point. It took me a long time to admit that I had a problem, because like any psycological disease, you aren't aware that you even have a problem. Stop worrying about how others will react, and then in fear of what they might say, not tell them a truly life threatening problem. I can tell you that this is not like a cold, and will not just clear up. I too, also admitted I had an eating disorder, to my best friend, when I was a little intoxicated(ok, alot intoxicated) but I said something like this, "brett, you know last year when I was super skinny, well, I was anorexic..." and went on to tell her how I would vomit on occasion, and she said,"well, we all kinda thought something was going on." WHAT???? and you dind't do anything to pull me out of the twister of a mental mess. I can't be mad though, because there's alot of ignorance on this paticular disease, I mean, who really wants to know about it, it's really very scary.

Ok, I've got to get going....busy day I ahead, and a very trying one for people like you and I! I said a prayer for you, and truly believe we met for a reason, not quite sure what it is yet, but I'm definatley happy and thankful He let us meet. Another thing, I SWEAR your school counselor, or any kind of school resource person that deals with these types of things is the perfect link between you and getting help. They can find psycologists, or group support centers, and if you don't have insurance and the money is a problem, then they can help with that to. "when there is a will, there is a way." Please stick around, i really think we can help one another! And, lastly, if your parents love you, they will get help for you!! Have a happy thanksgiving! YOu'll be in my thoughts and prayers!

P.S.!! Maybe we could exchange e-mails, unless you're not comfortable with it, which I completely understand. But if you ever need it, mine is,

Thank you again. I'll try to e-mail you tomorrow. Mine is
Let's see, I've been awful these past few days. It seems like since I've been home on Thanksgiving break I've had nothing to do at home except binge and purge. It's been a constant cycle of binging/purging for the past couple of days. I'm a wreck. But I've decided to get help. I'm still really nervous about telling other people, so I made up this new strategy to try to fix myself on my own. If it doesn't work, which is likely, than I'm going to my school guidance counselor on Monday. Right now I feel like that's the only kind of help I'm ready to ask for.

Anyway I'm gonna try to up my calorie intake to 1400 everyday, and eat healthy, balanced meals every few hours. I'm going to make sure I get in regular exercise as well. To break the cycle I'm planning on getting up early tomorrow and walking the few miles to my library for exercise, and spend the day there doing homework. I figure if I can stay out of my house I won't be triggered. I'm usually okay as long as I'm busy and away from home. I never eat in public, and I binge in private in my kitchen. I'm going to force myself to only eat with other people, this way I can't binge and purge. I'm going to try to persuade my Mom into making the family follow a routine eating schedule, where we can eat as a family and prepare the meals together.

I'm hoping this will start me off on a better foot. I think outside help is necessary, I'm just not sure where to find it. I'm very reluctant to tell anyone, but I guess I have to. It's hard to know where to start.

(((Amien))) - I'm glad you and Jessie can support each other, being close in age and situation - but the rest of us are here for you too, old farts that we may be. ;)

The line that stood out to me in your original post was where you said "I just can't forgive that" talking about the 6,000 calories you'd figured you had consumed - but you have to. You have to learn to forgive yourself - to stop using the disease to punish for having a disease! Of course it can't happen overnight, but I hope you can see the incongruity there.

Anyway, join us in our weekly threads, and please stick around.

:grouphug:

I can't tell you how good it is to hear that you want to nip this in the butt. I guess I took the same approach, meaning, trying to sort of "fix" things on my own, or at least settle them down a little. I think that you have the right idea, and that whole plan of yours, is exactly what my strategy is, you know, the eating heathy and regularly, getting in excersize, and the most important thing, staying busy!

Hope your weekend and holiday went well!

You have to learn to forgive yourself - to stop using the disease to punish for having a disease!

Thank you, and wow - thanks for saying that. It really makes a lot of sense. I never looked at it from that perspective before.

I did okay on my first day (ate 1350 calories, exercised for an hour) until the nighttime when I got unbearably hungry. I don't know why it happened, when I had been feeding my body all day. I was so upset but I ate anyway and tried to make up for it by reducing my next day's calorie intake.

Let's just say I had a huge relapse, binged and purged three times, and forced myself into a fast. I ended up giving up the fast and I ate an apple and some oatmeal tonight.

Either way, I can't win. I can't even have a normal eating disorder. I'm so messed up.

I'm so confused right now. I mean this literally, that every few minutes I am fighting myself. I never know what to do. Sometimes I am terrified to give up my ED, at least until I've reached my goal. Sometimes I feel like starting over could never be easier.

Unfortunately I gained 4lbs from all my binging and purging this week and I'm miserable. I want to get rid of those extra pounds. My instinct is to fast/restrict like crazy until I make it to 115 lbs. But is it really about the number? And won't the weight loss be water weight/muscle loss anyway? Isn't that self-destructive? Is the instant gratification worth the long term result?

Part of me says yes. I want to see 115 on that scale as soon as possible, no matter what. But I guess I'm not truly motivated to do whatever it takes to get there, because I'm struggling with thoughts of recovery.

Losing weight is something I must do. I can't get over that, not at this stage at least. But I suppose I can be patient and do it the old fashioned way. If anybody is reading this and understands what I mean, I would so appreciate if you told me how you compromised and how you are losing weight safely right now. I feel like unless I come up with a reasonable eating/exercising plan, I'm going to drive myself even deeper into a b/p and restricting cycle.

Today was my second meeting with my wonderful psycologist, and we barely even talked about my ed, directly anyway. With me, my eating disorder is just a way of sort of controling the one thing I can control in life, when everything else is a mess. I used it as a sort of outlet, meaning, if I was thinking about me and about weight all the time, I wouldn't have to worry about everything else at hand. Now, it completely conrtols me, which is what I'm fighting REALLY hard to beat. I find that whenever there is something going on in my life I can't control, I'll fall into the viscious cyc;e of binging and purging, to sort of self-medicate myself. I've been doing really well, but what's to blame for that, a really smooth time at home right now, everything with the bf working out, my b-day? the point is, it's all really good, and I have no reason to hurt myself; but i know cloud 9 has got to fall sometime, and I'm so afraid of when it does, that I will relapse into that viscious cycle. It truly takes a lot out of a person, and can do some serious bodily harm, not to mention mess with your head ALOT! So, what I'm working on now is trying my best to find alternatives, but being careful not to replace one eating disorder behavior with another, which is what I have done in the past. For the past week in a half or so, I have really taken to getting really ripped, buff, but not bulky. And in doing so, alot of good choices are made, willingly, which is really great. It's like I've set this goal for myself and am now working so hard to get there. So, this goal helps keep the binging/purging cycle at bay, and it seems as though instead of throwing up, I work out, and feel much better about myself. I know I've rambled on about ME, but maybe you can find something useful, or relate in some way to this paticular matter. I think you are just at the beggining stages and that's a pretty hard time; but maybe you should think about getting a support system set up? Because I, like you tryed numerous times to "fix" the problem on my own, thinking it had everything to do with what the scale says, and everytime I tried, it only got worse, b/c I wasn't really sure where the emotions were coming from. Anyhow, I will pra for you, I know you want to get help, and the awareness is almost there, just don't give up!

You're right, Jessie, it is about control. Amien, you might want to check out Geneen Roth's books. They're not a cure-all, but they got me thinking a lot about how and why I need to treat myself with care and love, which is a necessary component to your recovery. One thing she said that stays with me - what will you be able to do at your goal weight that you can't do now? Why is 115lbs so important? What are you waiting for? You deserve to be happy and fulfilled TODAY, not ten, twenty, however many pounds from now. Reaching the number on the scale can't make you happy, but living the life you want might - and you can be doing that now. We love you. Your families and friends love you. You just need to catch up.

I wish I could come steal your scales during the night, ladies. And I wish someone could make me follow my own sagely advice. Just some things to think about. :)