11/15-11/21 Check-In
 

Evening ladies!

I just got back from the gym and am in a comfy, la la space (nice and relaxed after a good workout).

Today was a bit hectic, so it felt good to work it out on the eliptical (spelling?).

:grouphug: to you all!

Gosh, I wish I could say the same. It seems I completely decided against going to the gym, and instead, sat at home by myself, putting myself, yet again through another binging and purging cycle. Gosh, I wasn't hungry and don't think I'm sad or stressed, grrr!!! But, lately, I've been working on the "way I feel about things" in general, and I'm not as depressed as I would normally be after consuming all the sweets that were ever made. I gues b/c I know that for the rest of the week, I will have a good week, binge-wise. I know my cycle, and i know that there will be a few more days this week, that even after telling myself that I don't need to purge, I will! However, this week, I will change, tomorrow I'll go see my savior, my counselor from school, eat small, healthy evenly spaced meals, be happy, go to work, and end my day with a great workout! I'm not quite sure if this is what this paticular thread is for, but, I really needed to vent. THanks!

Hey girls! Alas another Monday is in the books. Dark clouds, gloomy skies and Jack Frost nipping on my window and on the ground. No plans this week except I have tickets to see Alexander(love history flicks!). Eating has been ok, still restricting, but my mindset is that I have to eat to be healthy. This maybe too much info, but I don't have anyone else to talk about it and it seems appropriate for this board. I think I may have gotten my period, which obviously I should know, but I haven't had one in 2 years. It's not the usual "color" but I guess it still would qualify as my period?! Not really worried, more relief that my body is getting back to normal, but still, my period stopped when I was at a much heavier weight 2 years ago. Maybe my body has finally adapted or accepted my weight??

I hope everyone is doing well, I know we can get through this week together. Any plans for thanksgiving??
Love you guys!
Vanessa

I think we can be honest here as long as we don't go into the specifics or give people "tips" on behaviors. I think I am too good at what I do anyway.

I have been struggling myself. Its the isolations and tiredness mode I get into on nights. I went to meet my new therapist today. She is fun, 4'11, little ball of erratic energy. I also found out some things like there are people who are just born more sensitive. My husband set there with his eyes growing wide, that Chris. She gets overstimulated and has to leave or act out. I think he got some understanding even if I am a bit overwhelmed at this point.

I signed a contract with the therapist for the year. I start group treatment on Wednesday.

Dying from lack of sleep, but hey after tonight 36 hours down, 48 left to go.
Chris

PS. I am jealous that my son is sharing himself with his therapist. Is that normal, ya think?

Hi

Never posted in this section before, even if I've known I'm an overeater for a good year or so now. Maybe two...anyway, it's like I can't stop eating. No matter what I'm doing, I find I will stop and go right into the kitchen. As I type this, I'm sitting here crunching on ice because I don't have anything else to eat in this apartment. When I try to stop, I fail miserably, I don't even last a day. Help! How do I knock this off? I need to nip this in the butt first before I can lose weight.

Hi ladies. Juju's Skinny Daily column today (or yesterday - haven't checked my email in a while) was on "Turning the Ship Around" - slowly changing your behaviors to get your life moving in a different direction. It was perfect for today. I've been feeling overwhelmed and undermotivated (lowering my dosage of Prozac probably wasn't a good idea either), but I'm trying to get my head out of my butt and make changes.

Funny thing happened last week - after all the marital stress I've had this year - I got a little religious booklet in the mail, no return address, all about the evils of infidelity. I don't think I'm in any danger of that anymore, but it made me wonder if my HP thinks I AM. Very peculiar!!

Hi again to Jessie, and welcome Ali!

Hi Vanessa, Hi Kat, Hi Chris. I hope you're on your way to sleepytown soon.

Take care, everyone!

Good morning
 

And welcome to our new posters. :)

Chris, I do that that's normal. :grouphug: It makes total sense.

Vanessa, that's great that your body is getting back to doing it's natural thing.

Tracy, how is the marital stuff going?

I am super busy at work right now and probably will be the next 2-3 weeks. My supervisor is at a convention then is getting married so I have the reigns for a while. Eep. ;) Plus we have 2 new SLPs starting, so they are full of questions. A busy time!

OK, off to shower so I can get to my morning meeting. Have a great day :)

Hey girls! Alas it's Hump day and another page in my life has been written. It was another normal day filled with patient crisis's and collecting urine. LOL Out of all the things issues and problems I deal with, personally and with my patients, the one I have the most difficulty is my hunger. I mean, normally if people are hungry they eat right? With me, I try to sabotage that and not deal with it. When my stomach growls, it freaks me out and I have no clue what to do... Definetly my OCD controlling that, since I've "trained" myself into not eating in the mornings. It's getting harder to control it and I'm afraid I'll break over and eat something(which could be a piece of candy) and it will throw me into a dark hole. LOL I try to keep my humor with this, it's the only thing that keeps me going.
Kat-I suppose my body is turning back to normal? Maybe it's finally adapted to this weight and maybe I could eat normally? LOL We'll see! Congrats on having the supervisor reign!
Tracy-Did your MD lower your dosage on Prozac? Any reason why? That's such a cool sign about recieving the christian booklet in the mail!! Good omen!
I must give a warm hug to everyone tonight...chris, anna, aphil, linoleum, skippy, ceejay, michelle, sandy, christy... and everyone else I can't think of! I'm going to see Alexander tommorow night, I will dish reviews!
Love ya
Vanessa

Okay I am this is the end of the first 60 hours tonight, then I get a day off before I go to days for the next 24, forgive me if I am incoherent.

First DBT session today, seemed okay. I mean lots of it was like unhuh, ya I know that, HOW DO I DO IT?

Stupid tired girl stepped on the scale. Having a total case of the "How did I get so damn fat" Got to let it go. This is me today. Accept myself, my road, my recovery, this a journey not a destination. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Do I believe it? Or is that just rationalizing my fatitude? :faint: Part of me wants to scream look at what not purging has done. But thats BS. Because my powerlessness over food and iunmanageabilty, and lack of willingness along with a good dose of rebellion has done this.

ODAT!
Chris
Sorry to dump and run everyone. :wave:

Meditation for today
 

That is beautiful Kat. Exactly what I needed today :D

I am in alot of pain girls. My body is still recovering from months and months of self-destructive behavior. I throw my hormones off and I have been having hot flashes, terrible pain in my breasts from the inside out, and it feels like my ovaries are going to burst. Maybe TMI, but at least it is out, I have been holding the pain in and it feels good to just say, hey I physically hurt. I hope my body brings me some relief soon (a period might be nice).

:grouphug:

Chris

Hey ladies! I hope everyone's Friday is going well. I took a personal day, because.....I didn't want to go to work! Hey I am honest! Well I didn't get home from the movies until 1230 and there was no way I was getting up in 3 hours to go to work. Alexander...hmmm..It was very different I must say, and really long! I guess I liked Troy better, but their history. LOL Though I've lost more weight, I've been eating better, allowing myself a wider variety of foods to eat. This maintaining crap is really hard and why do I have to be so overly ambitious at everything? I guess ambition is not a great quality sometimes.
Chris-Be open! I felt the same way too, but I realized that I have nothing to hide and it was just a part of this disease. Do you get your periods regularly?
Kat-Beautiful passage!!! That really hit home when I read it and the part on how we restrict or purge, and are afraid of the vulnerabilities of life. Wow, that's good stuff to read :) How's everything going?
Hey to Tracy(any plans for the w/e?), Jennelle, Michelle, Linoleum, CeeJay, Skippy, Aphil, Anna, (Ali Cat and Jessie D------Welcome!! Please post more!)
Don't know what my day has ahead for me, I'll let down this wall of restriction and just live. :)
God Bless and love you all
Vanessa

Oh Chris, I'm so sorry you're in pain!! Are you seeing a medical doctor to help you through the healing? I don't know if they could do anything anyway, but more support could only help. You're in my prayers.

I've started really journaling - honest to God!! We'll call it my Honest to God Journal. I'm logging my food, writing about it, my exercise, whatever. Since I'm one to catalog shop, I'm clipping possible future rewards and putting them in there, so if I can't do it with good health as a goal, I can use that flannel nightgown for motivation (I have a pajama obsession - probably reflects my lack of sleep since having children).

Anyway, I thought it would be really painful, but it's helping. You can't eat mindlessly when you see it there on the page. I have to think about what I've eaten.

Kat - lovely meditation. Thanks for posting it.

Vanessa - you take that personal day!! That's what they're for!!

I've got to clean and bake a cake today. Tomorrow my 'rents are coming to babysit while I go to a training class (for Church) and then we're all going to their house to celebrate DH's birthday, with Carolina barbeque (it's what we're famous for), made by the men at my mom's church. If you're ever driving through, barbeque is best made either by Methodists or volunteer firemen. It just isn't the same at restaurants. ;)

Okay, well, Matt's sleeping, so I need to get to work. Bye for now!

Chris - meant to tell you, I'm sure it is normal for your son to feel more comfortable confiding in an outsider, and I know it's got to be normal for you to hate it. For myself, becoming independent meant slowly cutting away emotional strings to my mom, and we had a "good" relationship. But now we're close again.

Just wanted to tell you I heard you. And I'm not there with my kids yet, but I'm dreading it.

Late post
 

Hi all,

Just got back from the Spongebob movie. It was a riot. :lol: DH and I "discovered" Spongebob the morning of our wedding so he's extra special to us. ;) It's an absolutely bizarre and wacked out movie. A lot of fun.

Chris, so sorry your in pain. :grouphug: It's probably going to be a day by day, hour by hour type of thing for a bit. Keep HP close and you'll get through it. :goodvibes

Tracy, that's awesome about the journaling! I slacked off a bit this week - thanks for the reminder. :)

Vanessa, I think any quality can be negative if in excess. Ithink I can also suffer from too much ambition, so I feel ya!

Our anniversary trip is the 2 nights after Thanksgiving. I am planning to bring a lot of OA material with me and make it a very program-centric vacation. Do a lot of reading, step work, journaling, etc...

Have a good night ladies. :cloud9:

Hey ladies, just a quickie to say Hello before I'm off to bed. I had a pretty nice day, no regrets of any kind, just simply thankful........ of my warm bed! LOL I've sorta came to terms with my eating and I'm trying to divert my thoughts somewhere else, or something else. I'm trying to reconnect with my oldself and the way I was back then. Or maybe I'm simply trying to be myself, just without the eating disorder ;) I just have to decide whether or not I am a part of the cure or a part of the disease.
Kat-lol why is it always the good qualities that seem to have really bad turnouts?!
Tracy-Kudos for your journaling!! Keep it up! Unfortunely I haven't and I am able to reognize that! Maybe my thought bank is empty, it nearly took me 30 minutes to remember what I wore yesterday. Oh it's crazy!
Sorry I'm ending this here but I'm super tired from just being me today.. Which is great.
Sweet Dreams ladies
Love ya
Vanessa

Well my period finally started and I am feeling much better on the pain factor. Overstimulated as **** from lack of sleep this week. :p Went to OA Idea Day this weekend. It was okay. The biggest things I walked away with. Priorities.
My life today:
1. Work
2. My family/relationships
3. Cleaning, obsessing over things not done
4. Food
5. My recovery/relationship with HP

What I am working for:
1. My recovery
2. My relationship with HP
3. My family/other relationships
4. Work
5. Everything else

The other thing was that we have to keep reaching out. This is a self help and a support program combined.

Hit a few shame things yesterday in my relationships with my family. :p

Also spent some awesome time with my family this weekend. My son got some really good feedback on his agenda for the week so yesterday we took him to see the "Incredibles" (Excellent MOVIE!!!!) and to dinner. My son snuggled me in the theatre.

Vanessa- I hear you girl. My biggest confusion is the disease telling me I don't have a disease. It says stuff like,"Start on Monday", "You'll get some willpower soon" "If you don't eat today, you can make up for yesterday" "If you vomit you'll feel better" "You can just do it once". BLECH!!!!

My periods are weird. I have been getting them but the 2 weeks before lately have been ****. Night sweats, hot flashes, pain in my ovaries, just ****.

Kat-So you went and saw Spongebob. :lol: You are getting excited about your trip. I wish I was more excited about going down to OK this next week. Mostly I don't want to sit in the car.

Tracy- Sometimes all the stuff you got to do makes my head spin girl with all those babies too. I don't know how you handle it. I need to start journaling again, but most the time I feel like who has time. For DBT I have to keep track of how many times a day I have the urge to self-injure, wether I go through with it, take my meds, my feelings, and wether or not I use my skills. Thats as close to journaling as I am getting right now.

Poof. I have alot to do today (work again), but at least this is the last 12 hours till Dec. 3

:wave: to the lurkers
Chris

It's so odd for me to read what all you brave women are going through, and fighting it; the very same thing I'm trying to beat. I've been using all the techniques i've picked up here and there to start my journey to recovery; but here's the dilemma I face. It sort of reminds me that of the tendencies of someone with a serious mental illness like scitzophrenia, or the like, where I work really hard to think positve about my body and me and eat healty and not purge, and the bulimic thoughts are still lingering in my head, just not as strong. So, I do really well for about six days, think to myself, what am I doing, I'm not sick, look at me. I trick myself into believing I'm better, and Mondays are my downfall, I think I stop fighting it and become it's victim. I didn't realize how hard of a fight it would be.
It scares me though, because I've heard of so many women who have struggled with an ED for decades, well on their way to recovery, only to fall back into their disorders evil ways when some sort of a problem arises. I don't want this to be what I turn to when I have a problem, I don't want to struggle with it for years upon years, I'm still very young and have a lot to give if I don't spend all my time letting my illness consume me. I truly know that I have a lot to offer to the world, and to people who enter my life, but when I'm constantly worrying about how fat I am, or if i eat that, when will I be able to purge it back up? It's like a mask I put on when I worry about all that, and I'm anything but the happy, bubbly, free-spirited, easy going girl I normally would be.
Lately, I have taken to jounaling as well, not inly journaling my food, but my excersize and feelings, and body image, and positve outlooks, or any downfall. It really helps. I've also taken to talking to my school counselor who is so much more than that to me, she is like a second mom, and she too knows how it is to suffer from an ED. I've told my mom, and a few close friends, and they're all super supportive, but don't truly understand this disorder of mine and sometimes think it's all about the physical effects, when really the major part of it is the why? and the body image, etc. Anyhow, seeing as my mom is very much ignorant, althogh definately a step foward from denial, I've confided in my counselor, which I think has hurt her feelings a little, but I need someone to talk to! But, my mom loves me a lot and I think really wants to understand, and she got me an appointment to see a pyscologist tomorrow. We'll see how that goes, hoepfully it'll help just to have someone listen. I've also taken to reading the bible, and I really want to accept the Lord as my savior, and have found myslef prayingmore. I'm also attending church, and finding myself much more at peace. I've also been reading lots of motivational, true to life poems and stories that let me see this as an outsider. I also surrounded myself with friends, and family, because they help me stay grounded, and realize the things in life that are truly important, and it's not how much the scale says you weigh. Thats all I have for now. but I also want to thank all of you courageous women who without knowing, just by posting your everyday thoughts and struggles and success with this matter, you have given me stregnth to fight this minute by minute, day by day, and I pray for you all, because we all know how hard the battle can be.

(((Jessie)))! I read somewhere once that if you act as if you have confidence, confidence will be given. I think that's true for a lot of things - it usually works for me, for a while, anyway ;) . Wayne Dyer said something similar - act like you are already the person you want to be. I envy where you are in your life, because you have so many possibilities in front of you.

Here's my resolution for today - I'm going act like the person I want to be. I'm going to be a mom who eats healthy stuff, exercises, and has fun with my kids.

Well said Tracy!! I think I might start doing that! Every day is a new day and you can always change which way you want to start it. There is so much more to life than worrying about what we look like and what to eat. I made a plan with God the other night, that I would stop worrying about what and when to eat and just do it when I feel like it. I've lost 3 years because of this and it feels like a million. So far, so good and I know that I have alot of back up if I start to fall :) I'll just keep being my cool self and focus on being healthy and happy.
What is everyone's plans for thanksgiving? working? traveling??

I love you all!
Vanessa