Weekly Thread - Oct. 10 - 16
 

To my knowledge, Chris is at a retreat. So, I thought I'd start the new thread myself.

How are we all doing? I am an all-or-nothing gal, so my week of barely eating anything was punctuated by a big-*** binge last night. I feel like I will never get this. Actually, it's not a matter of feeling like I will never get it. I feel like I'm just too f-ing lazy to do it. I know how to eat, I just need to DO it. I know how to exercise, I just need to DO it. I feel like I use my eating disorder as an excuse for not taking care of myself.

The other day I was almost wishing that I had diabetes or heart problems because I would take them more seriously and might actually take care of myself. How sick is THAT? :lol:

I hope everyone is doing well. Post even if you're not. I don't want this board to die!

Hey girls, how is everyone doing?? I hope you guys are doing well, this has been a weird week for the board. My week went well, though I had to work Saturday, I have nothing to complain about. After work saturday I went with a couple of my coworkers to Buddy's BBQ and had a light lunch. One of our coworkers is leaving Wednesday for Maine, so it was kinda like a last get together. I was very amazed at myself for actually going and ORDERING something! I literally made myself go and behold, I had a great time. I ordered a little salad which I picked at, but for me, that's a huge step to eat in front of someone. I struggle everyday still, but I find that if I take time and rationalize about what I am feeling, I do so much better. ODAT, and that's all I have to say about that!
Jennette, I know how you feel about the eating disorder excuse for not taking care of yourself. I believe I do that too, but I mostly do it because of who I am as a person. LOL Your not sick for thinking that! I've wished sometimes if I could have a life threatening disease, just so I wouldn't have to punish myself intentionally. Those were the bad days, and sometimes I think that if I have alot of time to myself. My mind begans to wander and I really think outside of the box, which is not good for me.
I'm just trying to live day by day and worry less about the future. It will come eventually and I'll deal with then. :)
Tracy, Christy, Michelle, Anna, CeeJay, Skippy, Linoleum, Chris, Sandy===> Are you guys ok??? I'm thinking about you all!!
God Bless
Vanessa

Hi gals, thanks Jennelle for starting the thread. Hi Vanessa!! I was out of town this weekend, went to my parents and then we all went to a music festival my brother was performing at - very hippie kind of event. My mother said it reminded her of the sixties - but it just reminded me of college (I graduated in 1994). My dad asked my brother where the Bush/Cheney table was. :lol: We saw a few good groups, including my brother's, and the kids had fun. But it was a lot of driving.

Jennelle, I understand what you're thinking. I'm all into ragging on my DH for not exercising, since that's something I've grown to enjoy, but my eating is so awful, there's really no reason to think I'm any healthier than he is. I pulled out my Dr. Phil and Geneen Roth books again. Part of it was this weekend - the hippies may have been a little stinky, and they may have talked funny (the parking attendant told my dad he was a "beautiful person" for having singles to pay with), but each and every one of them danced like they were comfortable in their skin, and they radiated some kind of beauty and peace. I wonder if I still have my old Dead bootleg tapes.

Ya'll try to have a good day - I'm on to my workout and then going to the store. HP help me there. I'm going to start in the produce!!!

I wish everyone could have been there!
 

Jenelle was right on. I went to the retreat this weekend. It was wonderful. I have cried, cried, cried and cried some more. I got honest about some things, including some really, really dark things.

Wonderful things said this weekend (for me):
"I've had my share"- I can pass by my trigger foods, or guilt foods because in truth I have had my share or even more than my share.

"Welcome to OA, welcome home"- I recieved alot of unconditional love this weekend from strangers and people I have been hiding out from this weekend.

"My immaturity leads me to believe that I should be happy all the time"-God is with us in the good times and the bad.

"If you had my life you would eat too"- thats the victim and the FEAR is me talking.

"When I act that is a power greater than myself"- sitting still in the disease is what my self-will wants to do.

Now I ran out of time and I need to shower, but I think you all have said the truth Vanessa, Tracy, and Jenelle. It is so little about the future and just ODAT.

Chris

{{{{{{{{{{Chris!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so glad you're back! I know the retreat came at just the right time for you. I'm glad you heard lots of wise words. :)

Chris, your back! "jumps in the air and clicks feet" I'm so happy you went and discovered alot of cool things! Sometimes it's good to cry and realize what is really in front of us. And sometimes we just have to be really honest with ourselves on what our problems are and quit telling ourselves that's we're "ok" when we are not. I'm super happy for you sista! ODAT and not a moment more!
Tracy-Totally cool concert!! I LMAO when your talked about your dad being beautiful for having singles!! I read a great quote the other day.. "We shouldn't strive to make ourselves look like we just began when we are at the end". Basically we shouldn't compare ourselves to models or strive to make ourselves look perfect.. The wrinkles, scars, blemishes, pimples, cellulite, all the imperfections we have show who we ARE, and what we've been through. It shows love, dedication, determinism, hope, hate, despite, fear, heartache, will power, etc. It shows how far we have came in our life and all the beauty we have aquired throughout the years :)
Hey to Jennelle, how's it going!!! Feeling better? Hey to Christy, Sandy, Anna, Ceejay, Skippy, Linoleum, Michelle.. Much love to all of you!!
God Bless
Vanessa

Quick hello
 

I am home sick today - have a horrible headache. :headache:

Chris, glad you're back! I look forward to going to a retreat some day. :)

I'll be back tomorrow with a more meaty post. ;)

Okay...I had such a revelation today. Actually, it should be more of a "No s**t, Sherlock!" moment...

I do better with a plan.

Excuse me while I bang my head against the wall... :rofl:

Jenelle- Me too :lol: I also do better if I take the day as it comes instead of full of my own little plans and manipulations. But hey, ODAT! :^:

Kat-If you guys will note Kat has become the co-mod on the forum. We need her long term abstinence and consistency. I am not willing to give up so for now we will co-moderate. If things change we will keep ya'll updated. I think this forum is important for talking and sharing. Especially among all the diets of the world. I know when I sometimes lurk on the other forums I think "We'll maybe thats the answer". My answer is in the steps, honesty, and surrender to a power greater than me.

Vanessa- Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your words are like little hugs to me, and my tears are my way back.

Tracy- :wave: How are you and DH today?

Disappointments? I thought next week I would be going to dayshift. Instead I am going to work a 5 day stretch of nights. But thats not today and I will cross that when I come knowing being on nights contributes to my flakiness.

I also am not taking a trip I had planned for this week. The timing in this life just isn't right. So a little sad, but I have so many blessings it can over shadow that small thing. :^:

My joy? :D After tonight I am off for 7 days. We will see if I am checking in day or night? My internet time is somewhat limited by the fact that it has been a trigger for me. I am trying to stay around 1 hour a day :p

XOXOX :love:
Chris

Chris ~ Wooooo! 7 days off in a row! :D I know what you mean about the Internet being triggering.

Kat ~ a big WELCOME! to our new co-mod :cp:

Everyone else...hey :)

Hi everyone. :) I'm okay - not eating well. My motivation is down. It seems too hard to even try. Could have something to do with my period, I know. Computer time is a trigger for me, too - my computer is in my kitchen. And I don't get much time to myself, so I usually have my meals in front of it.

Thanks to Kat for moderating!! I hope you're feeling better today.

Chris - DH and I are doing better overall. He was a real ******* a few days ago, but he knew it and came home with roses yesterday. So that's progress! And I'm not constantly dreaming about where I'd rather be.

So, Jennelle - what kind of plan works for you? Do you mean meal planning, or a particular food program? I think I need one of those, too.

Love you all!

Tracy...right now my plan is just to journal every calorie I eat. I'm also concentrating on getting my veggies in, because that's a weakness for me. (I like veggies, I just don't eat a lot of them.) The journaling helps keep me on track. It's real easy to just keep on eating if I don't have some personal accountability of some sort.

It's only been three days. Ask me again in a week. :lol:

Good Morning!
 

:coffee: :coffee: :coffee:

I wanted to check in yesterday but yesterday was meant for playing Bookwork and sleeping. I am not done with my game of Bookworm and I am over 1.4-M points. Hmmm could I have some compulsive tendencies :dizzy: I slept from 8-12 yesterday and then 1900-0500 this morning.

I am mourning a little this morning because I will not be taking the trip that I planned. There will be an empty seat on a pre-paid flight and an empty room on the East Coast tonight. I love to travel, but I have to believe this is the right thing. God? Well I couldn't find my driver's licence until I decided not to go.

Veggies are a God thing for me Jenelle. I like veggies, but I won't eat them because of my self destructive tendencies. My food wasn't very clean yesterday when I did eat (I think my tendency was to restrict because it wasn't very clean the day before either). But instead of giving into my binge urges last night I had to admit I was hungry. I walked into the kitchen and made a PB&J :o ONE PB&J! I have never eaten just one in my life, but I said a little prayer first. God I trust you that one will make me full and make me feel satisfied, thy will be done. One was enough.

Tracy those husbands are a tricky thing. My DH was actually happy to see my tears and in them has shown me alot of love and compassion. I have given him the truth in my fear. Relationships are another ODAT thing. Including our kiddos too! Take gentle care of you Tracy and all that you love.

Where is everyone? Kat you feeling better? Check in people!
Chris

Well, hi ladies. Still eating enough for three. It's the Halloween candy. I need to buy only the crap I don't care for, like Toffee and suckers and gum.

I'm trying to do some things around the house today, like find Cheerios wherever they may be and reorganize the kids' dresser. And I'll play my CDs while the kids color, stuff like that. Try to do productive things to boost my self-esteem and keep my mind off of the sweets.

I'm sorry about your trip, Chris, but hopefully you'll be able to enjoy it more when you get the chance to do it again.

Take care, everyone!

Thanks for the welcome!
 

I am happy to co-mod with Chris. :) I am very glad to be able to give this service - not only does it make me feel good to be here for others but it's another tool for me to keep my abstinence.

I am still sick, but went to work today. Reading actually tires me out. :( But this feels like the last real day of this cold, so that's good.

If any of you have an issue with the board, need to chat, etc... please feel free to PM me any time! :)

Hellllllllllllo girls! How is everyone? I'm doing pretty well, drinking some hot cocoa and watching a movie on lifetime. It's very dark out today and it's going to rain any minute. Surprinsly enough, I like it! The temperature is rather cool and windy, so it reminds me of all those scary movie scenes!! Thank goodness tommorow is Friday, it's been a rather long week. Tommorow i'm meeting my new therapist for the first time, so I'm sorta looking forward to that. My psychiatrist upped my prozac to 60mg, stating that I at least need 60mg to control my OCD. I DID however find out that there is a therapist where I live that specializes in ED so I'm calling them tommorow. The therapy that I get now is free and I know if I go to this place I will pay out the wazoo, but it's definetly worth it. I realize I need special and in depth therapy and I'm willing to do what it takes.
Congrats Kat for being co-mod! Totally awesome!! :) I'll send you some of my hot cocoa and some chicken noodle soup for you cold!
Chris- Your very welcome! I'm super happy your pulling through this, and I'm proud of you! Kudos for saying a prayer last night and not giving into those urges. I'm sorry you can't make your trip but everything has a way of working out... Just have faith :)
Tracy-Kudos for getting your veggies!!! I know you can pull through this, I guess we all are going to have bad days to go through. But you'll realize your greatest strengths on those days! I'll say a prayer for you tonight :)
Jennelle-How is your journaling coming along? I could never do that, i write way too much at work. My index finger permanately has a knot on it!
Hey to Christy, CeeJay, Anna, Linoleum, Skippy, Michelle.... how are you guys?? Let us know!
Well i'm off for now, I have a date with my couch :)
God Bless
Vanessa

Hi to all
I'm finally back home. Even been to work 3 days. My foot is doing well after surgery. Still have some swelling but I have to remember that the doctor had to break 2 toes to correct the problems.

I' ve started having some back problems after I went back to work and I thought it felt like mucsle spasms--due to the way I've been having to walk. I' ve been giving into my sore foot. The first day back I had to get a chemistry problem solved and that meant several trips up and down stairs to the chemical building and out to the clarifiers. So I made trip to my regular doctor today and he 's thinking on my terms

Kat--Congratulations on being co-mod.

Jennelle--I've often thought that if I had some other medical problem's other than the thyroid problem that I would take things more seriously. I honestly blame my thyroid for my weight gain. My doctor commented this morning that he couldn't figure out why I had gained so much weight--He said you were not this big when you worked for me. Maybe I need to go back to work there. When I weighed at home I'd lost down to 178. My last doc's visit was 188 lbs. I need to follow my uncle's diet--no sugar and limit my carbs. He's a diabetic. I didn't take one fluid pill while I was at their home.

Chris--So glad you had a good retreat. I hope you can use you plane ticket another time.

Vanessa--Good for you on getting help. The first 2 weeks after my surgery I took 15 miligrams of valium and I didn't know I was in the world. I honestly feel that I should have something to control my emotions/nerves. My uncles home is so relaxing to me. They live in the country. While there I could just look outside all day long to a beautiful view. A couple of times I saw around 15 turkey in the backyard and one day I saw two young deer with a baby deer. They were almost at his back door.

Hi to all the rest--

Vanessa - I journal on the computer, so sometimes my knuckles get sore from typing, but that's about it! :)

The journaling has really given me an opportunity to step back and collect data and look objectively at the problem, just like I would if I were trying to figure out how to teach a particular student. This week is about journaliing everything. At the end of the week, I will look back and see if I can pinpoint any patterns. I'll also find my good choices and my not-so-good choices, and devise a plan to start having more and more good choices and fewer and fewer not-so-good choices. It all feels very analytical and safe to me. :)

Well, I'm in detox mode today - the "good" candy is gone. I know and I read all the time about how important journaling is, particularly logging your food - but I'm resisting it. More ugliness than I want to face.

Vanessa - good luck at your therapy appointment!

CeeJay - so glad to have you back!

Hey girls! TGIF! This is going to be sorta short because my labtop has shutdown twice and the third time I tried to post I accidently hit the back button. Anyways, my therapy session went well, my new therapist seems really nice. I learned that she had some issues with food also, so that's kinda cool that she knows where I'm coming from. My first assignment is to journal daily!! How weird is that!? I'm searching for an ED support group in my area as I type, she feels I need some face to face support also. It's dark and rainy here, a perfect fall day.. I would give anything to have a big log cabin and a fireplace right now....along with Patrick Swayze. LOL I'll settle with my electric blanket for now :)
Ceejay-Your description of your uncle's place sounds beautiful, sorta like my home in KY. Deers are like dogs at home, it's not unusual to see 5 of them in your yard in the morning. So you experienced the effects of a Valium?? LOL My patients abuse those and Xanax alot, just to get a little buzz. Sad, but true. They are a CNS depressant which slows your central nervous system down, thus that "i don't care" feeling.
Tracy-Hey girl! How are you and DH? I'm glad your good candy is gone, if that makes you stay OP then that's cool. I don't buy halloween candy either, just because of the "comfort food" nostalgic feeling. Though I do take a liking to candy corn!
Jennelle-Hey fellow journaler! I def. can type faster than writing also, and I'm not the neatest handwriter either! I guess I will have to write in my journal daily which is a new thing for me, so I think it will be a good thing for me to experience. If I can remember. LOL
Anna, Christy, Chris, Linoleum, Michelle, Skippy, Kat-----> How are you guys? I'm thinking about you!
I'm a little tired, I think the weather is making me sleepy. I hope everyone is doing great and my thoughts are with you!
Love
vanessa

Happy weekend all!
 

Vanessa, That's great your first session went well! What type of ED support group are you looking for? A 12 step like OA or something different? BTW, I've seen Patrick Swayze in person and he is still smokin' hot! :love:

Tracy, why not just do one part of journaling at first. Like a daily 5 minute scribbly in a book? Then slowly build up to writing more and more, including your food. One Day At a Time. ;)

Jennelle, awesome job journaling. I've journaled on and off since I was 11 - well over 25 journals I have filled up. This week I've been lazy and haven't written in my journal. I really want to do it daily, so I better jump back on the horse.

Ceejay, glad you are back home! Hope your back feels better.

My cold is finally gone. :) Time to get back to working out, etc...

Not sure if I have shared here that I am having some minor fertility issues. My luteal phase (time between ovulation and Auntie Flo) is too short to sustain a pregnancy. It is supposedly pretty easy to fix, so I have been trying the past month to work on it naturally. So we will see. I have to take it ODAT because otherwise my head would be going nuts over it.

Have a wonderful day, all!

Meditation
 

Hey ladies! Just a quickie before I head to bed. I went out on a date tonight and had a great great time. I went and seen the Village for the second time, but the weather was perfect, chilly and dark out, with the fall leaves on the ground.
Kat-Well, my therapist wanted me to just look for any ED support group, but I guess for me specifically, it would be a recovering anorexic support group. Not a lot around here in the hills of Wva!! Wow, you've seen Patrick Swayzer in person?!? Where at, when, etc, etc, etc!!! LOL I've been in love with him since the 2nd grade! I'm glad your cold is better, they seem to linger on and on this time of year. I hope your fertility issues work out, which I know they will. I guess the timing has to be right, but hey, it's always good to practice! LOL I'll say a prayer for you tonight :)
Hey to all my other gals! I hope everyone's weekend is going well, please post so I know your doing ok!
Love
Vanessa

Well I think Kat gave me her cold because I have been in sinus headache, drippy nose ****. DH and I went and saw "The Forgotten" this weekend. Good flick, could have been an X-File ;)

Just checking in , I hope to hit the 1600 meeting today. Still not quite ready to put down my fork, but all my food is staying in. ODAT.
Chris

Good morning everyone
 

Chris, eep! Feel better! This weekend I am finally feeling 100% better. A speedy recovery to you. :)

Vanessa, I am envious of your fall leaves. That's my favorite season but we don't get it here in So Cal. Well, in January some leaves change and that is nice, but definitely not the same. DH and I are going to Julian, CA for our wedding anniversary in November. We went there our first anniversary and it was very fall-like down there. Very New England-like (where I am from). So I'm psyched for that. :)

Today I am cleaning and food shopping. My place is a bit crazy looking right now, so I want to tidy up.

Have a great day!

Oh Vanessa, it's supposed to be peak leaf in the mountains near us, but I don't guess we'll get to go - I'd hoped to take a day trip up, but DH had other things going on and it would've been too crowded on the parkway on the weekend anyway. Gosh, I'd love to take the kids up one day during the week. Maybe I'll think on that.

Well, Kat - I did a little journaling last night. Stuff about not using these self-destructing behaviors to isolate myself, blah blah blah. I'll BBL

I had to cut that last one short because of DS. Anyway - I also wanted to tell you Kat that I'm thinking of you, and I'm glad you were able to identify the problem. What is the remedy?

Chris - remember Jennelle's saying, "Live for today and F*** tomorrow"? I'll add to that - F*** yesterday, too. Be kind to yourself today, because you're so worthy of love. You're one of the most loveable people I know.

Love and hugs to everyone - Ceejay, Vanessa, Christy, Lin, Sandi, Skippy, Michelle, Anna Banana.

Hey ladies :) I hope everyone is doing great, it is a Monday!! Right now it's really gloomy out and it's raining.. One of those afternoons where you don't want to do anything except sleep or just cuddle on the couch. So it looks like I have a date tonight...with my couch of course :) My first day of journaling went well, I just have to write down what I am feeling at the exact moment. Otherwise, I'll think about what I am feeling which opens up 1000 different thoughts, etc, etc, etc. I wrote down that I wanted to have balance in my life, but would I have to give up my control to have that? I guess I have to accept that I simply can't control every aspect of my life nor can I save the world. ODAT and screw yesterday! Right on Tracy!
Tracy-How are things in South Carolina and with your DH?
Kat-I'll gladly send you some of the leaves! I wander if my webcam can stretch outside. Hmmmm.. :) How's everything in LA?
Chris-The Forgotten was awesome!! There was some moments that I totally did not except in that movie, like the woman getting sucked up into the air. I'm going to see the Grudge this weekend, have you seen the previews?
I think I'll watch the Exorcist in a bit, I'm on this "scary" movie thing this week, maybe it's the weather, or just my evil, demonic side :) LOL
Much love to everyone!!
Vanessa

Vanessa, it's raining here, too, actually. :rain: I am loving it, since I haven't seen rain for several months now. And yay for both you and Tracy for journaling! :dancer: I journaled last night, too, so yay for me too. :twirly:

Going to a movie screening tonight with a friend. That Ben Affleck holiday movie.

Oh, and Vanessa, I saw Patrick Swayze at the Donnie Darko premiere. My husband worked for the company that distributed it. My jaw dropped when I saw how hot he still is. Brought back lovely Dirty Dancing memories. :faint: :lol: