Good Morning!
 

:coffee: :coffee: :coffee:

I can say that after sleeping on and off since 1100 yesterday. When I did wake up I ate alot of crappy foods. I didn't binge, but I didn't eat anything that I would consider healthy. Its my new effort to build a relationship with food without using judgements. Still weighing and measuring, because my eyeballs are way bigger than my belly but quit saying if Chis has this she is "bad" or if she eats just this she is "good" or I can have more of that because its "good". You know all that conflicting bullshit that lives in my head. Unfortunately my body is broken by my food addiction so even though intellectually this sounds all fine and dandy my body thinks one cookie should= a package. ODAT.

Also going to try to figure out a loving plan of excercise not based on the filtered crap of what others thinks is best for me. Whats best for Chris based on asking a loving HP and living the steps?

Oh and yes my husband is an ***, I think :lol: Jenelle and I have talked about this before, I am prone to getting overstimulated by too much noise, people, and this is worse for me on waking. Well yesterday I barely had my eyes open and DH was shoving these movies he rented in my face, And I pushed the movies away. He freaked, screaming, and yelling, and slamming doors. I have no idea what he was saying, because I shut down and went a and layed back down and was asleep almost immediately. But I woke up right before he left for work and he was looking very :mad: and did not kiss me goodbye. :dunno: And right now like I am kinda :mad: because he was, but I don't really know what to be mad about :dizzy:

So I am going back to what I know 1. Take care of me, I started working on the house, made coffee, set down here to get centered and write 2. Take care of my son. I started his laundry because I know he has a dance today and his friend Cameron is coming over to spend the night. Also I am thinking a little ahead today. Tonight is girls night out. First I am going over my step work and then meeting and out with the ladies. I might see if someone wants to hang afterwards or come here and do something to nurture me. Maybe I will take the boys to the movies? My DH has certainly not taken me the last 3 times he has gone.

See Christy and you think your chatty! :lol:

Christy-Thats so awesome, you work hard for those kids its nice to be appreciated (especially by a critical parent ;) ) My inner child still wants to play! I wonder if a trip to the park isn't in order for this morning :lol: I am a full disclosure person too, like you would never guess.

Kat- If my scheduled permitted I would probably be best off going to a meeting every single day. I was able to do that when I first started because I was on light duty at work. When we get the new SL's trained I am going to try to go to days for awhile to strengthen my program. I haven't talked to my food sponsor since Tuesday, she probably thinks I am freaking out, and maybe I am a bit, but no binging and no purging :)

Vanessa- Anytime youwant to suck up to me I take food too :lol: I am going to surrender to the weekend, whatever happens it will be for the best and I am not going to think about whether or not I am "wasting" it. I hate that I got to do more syndrome!

Anna- :wave: How about you? Whats the plan for the weekend? You young girls. I miss dancing and staying up all night, of course I don't miss college at all :lol:

Skippy -Loved the poem. :grouphug: right back at you! What's new?

Tracy- I know exactly what you are talking about. He isn't that bad, but this just doesn't feel right. Keep venting girl, there are answers in between the lines. The deal is can you communicate this to him, because I know with my DH when it comes to talking my heart I have a terrible time. Why? Cause I don't want to fight :p

Jenelle- I hear you on the anethesia thing. One time at the dentist it took about 5 dental assistants to hold me down to get that needle in my mouth, if they didn't already have the leverage of the chair against me I am not sure they would have gotten me. I think WLS has its place, but there is always work to still do on the food addict so what have you really gained. Ya know? Totally respect Jiffypop and her weightloss surgery journey, and the fact she lost the first 100 lbs on a liquid diet. NO WAY NO DAY! I couldn't have done it.

CJ- Glad your healing girlie, go gently in all areas.

I LOVE YOU GALS! Check in lets hear fromeveryone before the busy weekend starts!
Chris

GOOD MORNING!!! NO, I DID NOT GET LAID LAST NIGHT, BUT I'M DOING MY BEST TO BE HAPPY!!! Okay, maybe not so much happy, but intense. The kids and I are doing some errands this morning, then picking up lunch. (Something semi-healthy, although there may be a small frosty involved.)

Thanks again to everyone for your kind words. I know I seem a bit self-absorbed right now. Frankly, I am. But I love and care for you, too!

Another night of DH practicing his absentee parenting approach, which led to DD waking up a lot, which pissed him off, which means I had to play musical beds soothing the kids. I didn't sleep well anyway, since in my head I was lining up dates for after the divorce. :dizzy:

Just like you, Chris, I can't talk to him as openly as I need to. Whenever we have one of these discussions, he gets defensive and nasty, and won't cool off or try to understand what I've said until hours later. I can be as sensitive as possible, and he'll still turn things around on me and make me feel awful.

Before going to bed last night, I got my bible and opened it up randomly. It opened to Ecclesiastes, which is all about not trying to alter your life by following false gods, and how we should instead give our lives over to God. Yes, it's that word again: SURRENDER. How do I surrender to God but not to DH?

Chris, I hope you have some fun tonight, you deserve it. And giving up the "good food"/"bad food" mentality is part of the puzzle, for sure. Good for you.

Christy - I'm glad you got some props!

Kat - I know you'll be successful getting back on track with your program. You've done amazing things so far.

Vanessa, Anna, Skippy - thanks for the thoughts, and have a good weekend!

Crap, we're in the middle of a band of hurricane rain right now. Hopefully it'll clear up in time for lunch.

Hi Everyone,

well, good news, I didn't binge yesterday. It was the first day since Labor Day that I didn't overeat. I think that there were many reasons why:
1. I got paid yesterday, which relieved the stress of bills that need to be paid. That was stressing me out a lot, because even though I wasn't overdue, I was just stressing that all the due dates were coming up...
2. I worked out in the morning. The gym is less packed then, which makes my workout more successful and less stressful, and it sets me up to make better decisions throughout the day.
3. It was a coworker's birthday and someone got her cheesecake. I knew ahead of time that cheesecake would be served and so I was prepared, mentally and calorically, to accept the guilt-inducing deliciousness into my system. Normally eating cheesecake would send me into a spiral of bingeing, but because I was in a good mood and because I had calculated it into my calorie budget, I felt fine with it. And it kept me full for a while too.
4. Most importantly, my mom came to visit last night and so sharing a bed with her in my studio is not really conducive to getting up constantly for snacks from the kitchen. Although she has been known to trigger ED behaviors in me and massive guilt, her presence kept me from overeating. I didn't even feel like eating (but that's never stopped me before). It felt so good to fall asleep without a full stomach and to wake up without the guilt and haze that before-bed bingeing triggers in me the next morning.

Today is on track so far but I am worried because a) I just ate a jar of pickles, for no good reason, and its making me feel both guilty and really, really nauseated and b) I have Rosh Hashanah dinner tonight at my cousin's and then I am going to a party in Brooklyn. I HAVE to go to dinner, even though I don't want to, and it will all be heavy food like brisket and kugel. and I want to go to the party, but I know myself, and I feel like I will not have a good time at the party if I am feeling guilty about the brisket (can you tell I am really nervous aobut the brisket). Plus the party is at my high school friends' apt and these are all people who knew me when I was anorexic. They've all seen me since then, but it still makes me nervous.
Anyhow sorry for the really long rant. But eating the jar of pickles really threw me into a tailspin. Crazy right?

To the ladies: (I'm sure I'm missing some people, but here are my comments for the ladies who've posted since I was here yesterday):
Vanessa--guess what, I'm a case manager, and I work with clients who have substance abuse issues. I spend half my week in methadone clinics! too bad you're in WV, otherwise we might run into each other... I'd be interested to know the differences and similarities between your population in WV and mine here in the Bronx.
Kat: I'm not in OA. I've thought about going to meetings but I always chicken out. I've heard a lot about it, and since I work in substance abuse, like Vanessa, I'm generally familiar with 12-step programs. After 6+ years in ED treatment (hospitalizations, individual therapy, group therapy and family therapy), I'm trying to distance myself from clinical approaches to ED treatment and go it alone for the moment. It might not be the best-advised approach but that's where I am right now. I don't know. It's not like OA is a clinical setting for treatment but I just don't think I'm ready. I kinda wish that I was.
Christy--congrats on the parent's comment and I totally see what you mean about writing a novel! It's like my fingers won't stop typing. How's the fallout from gradschool coming along with DH?
Chris--well, other than the party tonight, things won't be too wild for me this weekend. Unless, of course, you count my mom's visit, which will certainly make me a little crazier! I know what you mean about sane food and workouts. Sometimes I feel so trapped by my ED food- and exercise-mindset that I struggle to break free but it's hard. Have fun tonight though!
Tracy--my continued thoughts and good wishes are with you. And a frosty never hurt anyone...in fact, they're known for their therapeutic qualities.

Hi and happy Friday to everyone else I didn't mention above. I hope that you all have a great, happy, healthy weekend. If you are having Ivan-related weather problems, be safe and stay dry!

Hi girls
Looks like everyone is surrendering to God today. I have 3 uncles, who are elders of the church,who have been praying for me to heal and believe me the doctor couldn't believe how fast I was progressing. Yes God is diffinately in my life.

The nature of things at my uncle is so serene. I sat out on the deck yesterday just to enjoy the beauty. and last night his grandkids came to visit.

Food wise I've had no problems and you know I think partly it's because it's the serenity and beauty around here. Yesterday I slept 3/4's of the afternoon just simply because I needed it and today I feel awesome.

I honestly walked from the parking lot to Wal-Mart to get my thyroid med's refilled. and this was without the walker. Also I have walked downstairs the last couple of days.

Hi to all the rest will catch up later. I'm doing laundry. I have the bed cleaned and a load of towels to be folded and then I'm going to get ready to go out to eat tonight.

Since I've been here I've take only a could of fluid pills. I have doubled the potassium.

I got new pictures of my niece today. I sure would like to hold her. She's so pretty.

Hi ladies
 

Christy, it is great to receive compliments from our students' parents! i got a big thank you today and it felt really nice. :)

Chris, sorry you had to wake up to a cranky DH. :( Hope you 2 sort things out!

Banana, OA will be there for you when (if) you are ready. :grouphug:

Ceejay, thanks for your ESH!

:wave: everyone else!

I am doing pretty well. Had a good talk with a sponsee online. :)

Have a good night!

Hey ladies, how is everyone??? i'm doing ok, just got back from watching Super Size Me... Very interesting and I was surprised at the facts the movie portrayed. The second day he ate at McD's, he yacked everywhere. I'm sorry this is short but it's been a very long day and even my diet mt. dew isn't helping me stay awake! that's sad!
Chris- I'm notorious for baking! I grew up watching my mom bake literally everything.. I can bake anything..... from a package :) LOL I hope your weekend is going well, I too will surrender and take the day as it is.
Tracy-Hey, I'm glad your feeling better! My thoughts and prayers are with you.. the sun will always be up on your side... sometimes you have to look up.
Christy-The weather is awful!!! They made us go home from work today early because our city was flooding! We have rain for 3 days straight and after day 1, 1/2 the streets are flooded and blocked off. Stay dry!!
Anna-Hey, that's cool your a case manager! What exactly do you do?? The methadone clinics don't exactly have the greatest reputation and the patients use it for the wrong reasons sometimes. I live in Huntington, about 30,000 people in the city. But we have patients that come from KY and OH also... Pain pills(OC's, Lortabs) are really really bad here... Poor economical area + no recreation=bad stuff. LOL We have whole families that go to the clinic....literally.
Ceejay-I'm glad your feeling better! I would love to sleep the whole afternoon! Well sometimes at work, I almost do.. Oops. LOL
A big Hi to Jennelle, Kat, Skippy, Michelle, Sandi, Linoleum.. I hope your ladies are ok! It's still raining outside and I think I'll build an ark now... :)
Stay safe, stay dry, God Bless!
Vanessa

Good morning~ I slept so well last night. The temp got down to around 50 and we had the bedroom windows open. Heavenly sleeping weather!

ceejay -- You sound terrific! I'm glad you're coming along so quickly! So how much more recovery time do you have before you head back to work?

Tracey -- Way to work on a positive attitude, chickie! I love to do that with my Bible also. It always amazes me (although it really shouldn't!) how, if I let it, it will open right to what I need to hear at that moment.

Chris -- Sorry about the hubby troubles! It seems like sometimes they can't see past the end of their own nose (or maybe it's the end of a lower body part?). I hope you had a great time on your girls' night out. That sounds like fun. It is a very rare occasion that I get to do something with friends or my sister without my girls along. We always have such a good time though!

anna -- Mmmm...cheesecake is probably the only sweet thing that I have trouble resisting. Most other things I can take or leave, but not that! LOL

Vanessa -- The rain here has finally stopped, but everything is so saturated I don't know when we'll dry out. In our area, we have the dubious honor of being the state leader for meth labs. You can't pick up a paper or turn on the TV without hearing about another one being busted in someone's home. There have been several just down the road from where we live. It makes me feel so bad for some of the kids in my class because you just don't know what kind of circumstances they are living under at home. I mean, if your parents are making and selling drugs out of your basement or dining room(!), how much time can you really spend working on school stuff? And how much help will you get? It's really very sad for everyone involved.

Kat -- I'm so glad you're back to posting regularly with us! We really missed your input, you know!

Today I'm hanging out with the girls. We've gotta get groceries and clean up...the usual weekend stuff. Nothing too terribly exciting! Hello to everyone else and I hope you gals have a great day!

Hugs,
Christy

Well, I wanted to go to my mom's and hang out today, but we all have colds. I really wanted to get away from DH, who's still playing with his stereo. Anyway, I'll try and get some sun. Have a good weekend!

How was that brisket, Anna?

Christy- Meth Labs are notorious here too!! The local grocery stores have took all the cold medicines off the shelf and now you have to actually walk up to the pharmacy and request Sudafed or DimeTapp. I think the stimulants in those OTC meds contribute to making Meth and kids here totally abuse them as well to get a rush.. I have a patient who starting abusing pain pills when they were 9years old, often going to school high. It literally floored me. The rain has finally stopped here also for now, but there is a 100% chance it will continue later today and tommorow.
I just thought I would drop a little note since I just woke up. I will post more later on tonight when my day has been complete and I have more to tell!
Chris-How was your ladies night out?
Anna-How was your dinner??
Until next time....
Love
Vanessa

Howdy folks
 

Yesterday DH and I hiked in the Angeles National Forest. It was a good workout plus so beautiful. I really felt close to HP.

Right now I am preparing a healthy soup for the week. It's one of my favorites and full of healthy veggie goodness. ;)

Christy, :grouphug: thanks, that meant a lot!

:wave: to everyone else - have a hot stove to tend to but wanted to say hi to everyone. :D

Hi Kat, hi ladies. I'm having a pretty good weekend. I was in a dismal mood for quite a while, then I was reading some info at the Marriage Builders site that cheered me up. It said it was natural to feel like you didn't want things to work out when you were having problems. Knowing that I wasn't a cold beeatch made me feel so much better. Anyway, I'm going to try the techniques suggested with DH, and see what I can do.

Also, I was reading more of the "Our Stories" thread, and I'm in awe. I haven't seen Linoleum here in a while, but I hope you're still lurking.

Hugs and kissies!

Tracy, I'm so glad to hear you sound more encouraged, my thoughts and prayers are with you! oxo

I'm sorry to all of you that I haven't been keeping up well with my replies, but I have been reading through the replies, I just haven't replied back, I am sorry. :(

I'm going to try and come back later today, but if not, just know that I am thinking of ALL of you and hoping you have a great and blessed day! :angel:

I'm trying "again" to start brand new today and get back in control of my eating. :faint:
(today I hate sweets, they are poison for me!) :D <---evil smile :o

Love, skippy oxo :love:

Hey girls! Where is everyone at?? I hope everyone is doing ok, my thoughts are with you guys. My weekend went well, nothing insane or out of whack. I had dinner with my mother and brother at AppleBees last night, and it was a really good experience to say the least. The weather is finally back to normal for right now, chilly mornings and breezy afternoons. Tracy, I'm glad things are going good! I hope things will start working out for you guys.
Kat-Ahhh, vegetable soup... One of my favorites on a cold day. I'm still a campbell's girl and sometimes Progessive. LOL
Chris, Michelle, Jennelle, Ceejay, Christy, Anna-------> Are you guys ok??
Skippy-Hey gal, I'm glad your here and posting! Everyday is a new day!
Until next time ladies,
God Bless
Vanessa

hi everyone.
internet's been down all day here at work.
my mom came. it was interesting. she triggers me. I love her but I cannot deal with her. Are there any messageboards for mother-problems?
i finally admitted to my boyfriend that I'd been bingeing. he was really sweet about it. so understanding, I was blown away. but still, despite his insistence, I don't picture myself calling him instead of bingeing. sometimes I can manage journaling--but I don't know that I could reveal those kind of feelings out loud.
anyhow I'll try to write more tomorrow. My thoughts and best wishes are with everyone here. Stay healthy and have fun. You guys are the best!

Hey all...I wasn't hiding out...I was in KC for the weekend...just me and hubby! It was kind of nice without the kids (they're 17 and 15).

I am at school afterhours, so I may or may not post more later tonight. I got no grading done this weekend, so I have some catching up to do!