Weekly Thread July 25- Aug 02

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  • Hi girls, I really need to come back to this forum.

    Over the past few month's, I have found the "triggers" for me and they are not necessarily food. Most of it is obsession around the fact that I need and want to loose weight to be healthy. The one thing that is my biggest trigger is saying that "I can't have something" which is what the diet center was telling me everytime I went there. I'm no longer going. So now I'm not counting calories, carbs and or fat grams and I've begun to loose weight again. I've been allowing myself 1 protein, 1 vegetable, 1 dairy and one fruit per meal. I'm trying to stay away from to many carbs snacks and sweets though. They are diffinately a trigger. Also I obsessed about exercising--trying to subtract all the calories burned from the amount eaten. but I haven't done that in almost 2 months.-Nearly killed myself trying so hard. I've lost 15 pounds so far and haven't gained it back. Some people may think it's obsessive to weigh daily, but this is one habit I will keep.

    Chris-- Know what you mean about those baby steps. I will not be critized on what I eat so I don't tell anyone either. That really irritates me.

    Janelle--Good for you by stopping that pig fest.

    Christy--I like to keep some of my favorite pictures in front of me on the wall.
  • CJ- Glad to see you back here girlie. I was just telling someone the other day about going to meet you in AK. ODAT

    So I have been up since 0500 waiting for the computer to amuse me. It's not happening, but I did read the British press this morning. Someone is proposing increasing the number of denists and brothels I think they were talking tongue in cheek when they said it so they can be like Americans with perfect teeth and perfect marriages.

    So what is everyone doing today? Anyone got advice on the microwave? I am at the crux point I fell asleep last night. So do I go to the gym or do Yoga as planned? And why am I getting those don't eat messages to my brain. I know they are lies Speaking of my disease mind. The other day DH wanted to know how I hide the purging part of my disease, because he has known other girls and he could always figure it out. My brain said, "Their stupid and I am smarter than them" ARGH!

    Looking around for ESH today!
    Love ya'll!
  • I'm new
    Hi, I'm new here. It's taken me a bit to find where I belong but I'm pretty sure it's here. It was a toss up between the 300+ and the eating disorders. Considering I probably wouldn't be 300+ if it were not for the eating disorders, I thought I'd start here.

    I've discoverd through this informative board that I not only suffer from bulimia, and binge eating, (a fact that I've been aware of since I was 13) but that I'm also a compulsive eater. Although I will say that the bulimia is not quite as bad as years past. It only ends up being a concern when I start a new diet/eating plan, which I just started one. It's been two weeks tomorrow since I started (tomorrow is weigh in day) and I've thought about the binge and purge twice. Haven't done it, but scared I might in weeks to come.

    Anyways, I thought I'd introduce myself to you all. I'm looking forward to knowing you all better. I feel comfortable here already!
  • Welcome Hunskie! Most people with EDs don't just have one facet, its usually a complex thing! Share your experience, strength, and hope as we all recover together.

  • Welcome, Hunskie! Chris is right about ED being a complex mix. I have alternated between anorexia and severe binge eating. Until I came here, I thought I was the only one!

    Keep coming back!
  • In other news...I am fighting the "f*ck it" urge...you know, that stinking "come next Monday" thinking, where you figure you've f*cked up so badly that you might as well just finish out the week with a calorie-laden bang. And, the thing is, when I reflect on my week, I've not done that horribly badly. I made some bad choices at the beginning of the week, but quickly realized it and, while I haven't been "perfect" (who is?), my choices after that realization have been better. Also, I've really gotten my exercise in this week in a loving way, without going overboard.

    An awesome friend send me a card today with a magnet that says, "Get down on your knees and thank God you're still on your feet." I think I need to follow that advice!
  • Jenelle-After missing my workout last night I got a little of the lazy feck it going on myself. But I know its bullshit and I will go and shower my booty, light my candles, and have some quiet time with some Yoga and God after DH goes to work. Some days I really wished I lived alone.

    Kirstie Alley is in the news again. She is going to make some show called "Fat Actress" She is pissed and blunt about her weight. I hear ya sister girl. It may feel like the world is judging her for her weight. But I think she is beautiful. She is 203, at 5'8. I know what that is. The first 6 months I was at 3FC I was about 203. I don't like her minimilization of the issue as a whole. I find it interesting that she also suffered from cociane addiction. Fat people and coke heads with the A3 gene. Food is an addiction, and I love her, but minimilizing what it does to you in the long term just doesn't feel right to me. I hope this came out right. Blech.

  • ceejay -- Long time, no see! Glad you're back around these parts!

    Hunskie -- Glad you've joined us! We're a great group, and that's an objective opinion, of course.

    Jennelle -- I honestly think the upcoming school year may be triggering some of your urges of late. You're good to be so honest and open about it. I think you're handling things really well.

    Chris -- I feel bad for Kirstie Alley, too. She just seems so unhappy. I guess I would be too if a supermarket tabloid featured me on the cover at my most unattractive and announced my weight to be 300+ lbs. Ugh...

    I'm feeling sort of ucky and blue today. Actually, for the past couple of weeks. Just a nagging dissatisfaction and sadness that I can't shake. I'm so afraid I need antidepressants again. No shame in it, I know, but I hate the stupid side effects! Say a prayer for me and send happy thoughts my way.

    I'll check back in tomorrow...hopefully I'll be feeling a bit better. Have a wonderful evening, girls!

    Love and hugs,
  • Hi ladies,
    This has been a tiring day. First day of overtime. When I get through I'll have worked 10 days straight and that's 12 hour day's. Usually I let my food habits go during this time but I've already planned ahead and have some very simple meals to prepare. And I have a toaster oven and a single burner at work now.

    Chris--you are more than welcome to come back anytime.

    Huskie, I'm not really new to this forum. Just been away for awhile. Nice to have you join in.

    hi to all the rest.
  • Gosh, i know about the binges for sure, but I've never purged. The thought of throwing up really freaks me out, so i was too chicken to ever gag myself. But now, I just tell myself it's not worth it anymore, not worth the crappy feeling afterwards and the tantilizing thoughts of why you did that. I'm a better person than the food that I think I need. I'm not going to let food control how I feel or my actions, I'm only the person who can control my feelings. Nothing else. Life is way too short to feel down all the time, especially about our actions. I would write more, but..... work calls at 3am for me, so I'm headed into dreamland.
    Have a great TGIF, be positive, and be safe!
  • At first I was going to PM this to Christy, since she's a fellow teacher, but I realized that the wisdom on this board sometimes come from the places you'd least expect it, so I decided to post it for everyone to see.

    I do have some apprehensions about the national boards, but their not the normal "Oh my goodness, I hope I pass!" sort of apprehensions. I'm more worried about what my fellow teachers will think. A little bit of background: My first two years of teaching were spent at one of the worst school districts in the state under a principal who, to put it bluntly, was a psychotic, backstabbing, gossiping, two-faced *****. I was also surrounded by chronic *****ers and was looked down upon by some of them because I really wanted to do a good job and I wanted to learn everything I could about effective teaching. My first year was awful, and my second year was so horrible that by the middle of April, I could stick it out no longer. After almost driving my car into a retaining wall on purpose, I resigned on April 17, less than five weeks before the end of the school year.

    Now, during that period of healing between April 17 and my first day at my new, wonderful school (same sort of student and parent situations, but completely different and supportive principal. It's amazing what a difference a good administration makes!) I read some Harry Wong and learned that the teachers who were trying to drag me down were doing so only because they were not competent and I was threatening their security. The whole analogy of the lobster claws dragging you down and holding you underwater really stuck with me, and I was determined not to let the lobsters get me this time. I think I've done a fairly decent job. I stay away from the negative teachers and try my hardest to not listen to the idle gossip. I *say* I don't care what they think, but I actually do. My deal is to just not listen to the gossip. If I don't know what they think, then it can't bother me.

    Hence the apprehension about Boards. Exactly two people know I'm a candidate: my principal and a district-level administrator. The only reason I told the district-level administrator is because I was researching funding options for the $2300 fee. I am afraid to tell anyone not because I think I will fail (in fact, as a fairly new teacher, I am fully expecting to have to resubmit parts of my portfolio), but because I am so afraid of the judgement that I know some veteran teachers will pass. Now, I know that it all goes back to the lobster claws, and just the fact that I'm pursuing this proves that I'm fighting the lobster claws, but I still am afraid that the whispers about me being a "kiss-***" or "stuck up" or thinking I'm "better than them" are going to affect me no matter how much I pretend not to hear them.

    This fear reminds me so much of my old school district. Part of it is subconscious. This is my second year at this school, and it was the second year at my old school that was so awful for me. I have told my story of that second year to veteran teachers and they have said they would have quit after the first week. I cannot live through that again. I just can't. It took me SO long to find my calling, and if I am scarred again, it will ruin my life.

    So. In the words of a former professor of mine: Comments? Questions? Angry exhortations?
  • I think over on the Men's Forum there is a thread about what you going to do with your life. How many times have we not embraced things because of what others might think? How many times have we given up because we are afraid to fail? How many times do we only go half way because the fear holds us back? Jenelle DO IT! Do it for you. **** everyone else. **** failure! **** fear. We are just doing the best that we can. We have to trust that God will take care of us through it all. Can you trust God? Is your understanding of your HP working for you today?

    Damn I need to be saying this to me I love you Jenelle!

    Vanessa thanks for the great reminder about how disgusting purging is. I try to sanitize it in my brain.

  • Chris - I can't back out. I already sent them a check for $2300. But you're right - screw what anybody else thinks. Easier said than done, of course, but it *can* be done.
  • Quote: In other news...I am fighting the "f*ck it" urge...you know, that stinking "come next Monday" thinking, where you figure you've f*cked up so badly that you might as well just finish out the week with a calorie-laden bang. And, the thing is, when I reflect on my week, I've not done that horribly badly. I made some bad choices at the beginning of the week, but quickly realized it and, while I haven't been "perfect" (who is?), my choices after that realization have been better. Also, I've really gotten my exercise in this week in a loving way, without going overboard.

    An awesome friend send me a card today with a magnet that says, "Get down on your knees and thank God you're still on your feet." I think I need to follow that advice!
    Jennelle I am so totally in tune with that post. Thanks for saying exactly what I wanted to say about the "f*ck it" urge perfect for me. I've made bad choices as well. I spent some time crying about it and doing the pity me thing and now I'm trying to move on. My doctor took me off my meds on tuesday because my blood pressure was 152/111 but its come down so hopefully I get my meds back tomorrow, we'll see I feel like if I don't have someone keeping me accountable I'm just going to drown in junk food. ACKKKK!!! Anyway I am excited to see what my thyroid tests say when I go to the doc tomorrow they tested my levels again and I'm hoping that they will add some t3 to my daily medicinal cocktail so we'll see if it is low. ok I'm rambling...Thanks for being here guys!!
    Love you!!
  • Thanks
    Wow, what a great welcome.

    Jennelle: The Frick it all mode, oh man have I used that a time or two. I actually just finished convincing myself to come here instead of saying frick it and having waffles with blueberries and whipping cream with mounds of gooey syrup....just because I had a teeny tiny bowl of blueberries with whipped cream on top. It wasn't the handful of blueberries that made me want to say frick it, of course it was the MOUNDS of whipping cream that I topped it with. See, this place is helping me already.

    Ok, teachers here.. feeling a little intimidated here. Not much of an education here I'm afraid, so don't be shocked in the spelling errors...

    Even though I'm not a teacher, I did work/volunteer in a school for 8 years and I can definitely relate to your experience in that first school Jennelle. Lot's of gossip and back stabbing amongst staff and little to no support from the principal. I was quite disappointed in the education system after that experience. I ended up moving my children to a different school, and soon after that I quit as well. It was the best thing I could have done for my children, and even though I miss the odd wonderfully dedicated teachers that were there, I'm glad I left. Good luck to you Jennelle

    Chris: I totally connect with the "I'll fail if I try" attitude. That's why I'm poorly educated. Afraid I'll find out how stupid I REALLY am. Bad attitude that needs to be changed. How? Probably need counseling to be honest.

    Vanessa: Believe it or not, my first purge was inspired by a T.V. show warning people about bulimia. It was an episode of Different Strokes, and Kimberly (I think that was her name) was eating an entire chocolate cake, while Arnold hid in a cupboard watching her. Then she went in the bathroom to purge. Now instead of thinking "how awful is that", I decide to give it a try at the tender age of 13. It was horrible, but I felt like I was in control, I was beating the system 23 years later, I still fight the urges.

    Michelle: My sister in law is convinced that my thyroid is out of wack, but every time I get tested, it's either borderline, or just a tad low, but not low enough to medicate. My sister in law thinks thats why I'm always so tired .

    Christy: I hope you feel better soon. I'm sending you HAPPY VIBES

    I get like that all the time. More angry and frustrated lately than blue, but that's always there too. Hubby thinks I need pills for the *****y part Maybe I need more estrogen. I just had a hysterectomy in January, and I only have one ovary left. Maybe I need a lift in my estrogen. Add that to my "to do" list... Must go to doctor!

    CJ: WOW, hope you get a day off soon Looks like your well prepared though. Good thinking!

    Well, I'm off to bed now. Thanks again for the lovely welcome. Tomorrow is weigh in day for me (my first, this time around ) Wish me luck