Friday, Sat, Sun April 9-11: Topic and Daily Thread
 

Good Morning!

For those of us with a more traditional view of HP today is Good Friday, and on Sunday Easter will be celebrated. Once again I am baffled at the eating fest that will ensue. Even when I look at pictures of the last supper I can't imagine Jesus or one of his disciples pushing back from the table and going, "Well someone better come clear this off because I can't walk now." The joy it seems to me is in the specialness of the ocassion and that a meal was shared together, that gratitude for this moment is given. So thats something I really am going to work on this weekend is living in the moment and feeling grateful for the people around me. I want to truly be choosing relationships over food. :D

So I thought that maybe the topic for today could be times when we have chosen food to block out our feelings, the moment, or to just block away the world.

My experience has been automatic when the world or my feelings seem to be too big I just reach for an addictive substance wether it be food or cigarettes or whatever. A gallon of ice cream and the brain shuts down and now I can concentrate on my disease, feed it and the guilt. When the numbness is on and the guilt is so big than all my other feelings and problems melt away in obsession. I will try to think of some specific examples over the weekend. But this is an excellent reminder that I am powerless, that my life is unmanageable, and I try to use food to cope instead of living.

Okay I started, I laid it on the line. Give me you ESH or update us with your day. My plans are to hang out with a friend this afternoon and hit a meeting tonight :D

Love ya'll (including Ellis who never checks in anymore!) :grouphug:
Miss Chris :write:

You get right to tough subjects don't you! :yikes:

Sometimes the first thing that comes to mind is what really needs to be said but we manage to hedge it, so here goes girls. For years I despised my husband but I do not believe in divorce and the more I prayed about our marriage the worse it got. When the marriage started improving I woke up to the fact that I weighed 270 lbs. I had been hiding my unhappiness by eating what I wanted when I wanted rather than deal with the problem of not wanting to come home at all. We have been married for 36 years on April 12 of this year and the first seventeen years was physical abuse and then the emotional abuse continued on after that. My not believing in divorce was really my fear of trying to make it on my own with kids as anyone who has been abused knows we are totally incompetent or so we are told. When I started waking up I realized that I hated him and that made the eating worse. Well, he has made major strides so we are actually learning to love each other in a healthy way now. I cannot honestly say that I am glad I stayed because I don't know how my life would have been different. Now I suffer from fibromyalgia and there are some studies that are suggesting FMS has an underlying factor of abuse. We will see. I did what I had to do to get through that era in my life and now I have to do what it takes to deal with the aftermath. I am so thankful that neither of my boys learned that behavior from their dad, in fact when my youngest son got big enough he put a halt to it. I still have to deal with the fear of being hit again because sometimes he will say something with that tone and I fear it will go further, however, I am stronger now and he knows I will leave.

How is everyone's day going? Hope more of you check in so we can keep this going. I think the more support we have in overcoming the better chance we have of succeeding. :cheers:

I promise to touch on this subject this weekend but right now I'm too zonked to type. Off to bed. But wanted to say hi. :)

Wow, Bunna. I wish this were a real one, but a cyber hug will have to do! :grouphug:

I've been thinking about this lately - it's very selfish, but I eat to numb my disappointment in how different my life is from what I imagined. I was very much an underachiever in college - now I see how I wasted that opportunity. And although I do love my husband, he and I see the world very differently and I'm sure he was not the best match for me. But we have two lovely kids now, so there's no turning back, even if I believed in that, which I really don't. I would never hurt him. I'm just disappointed in myself for being afraid to live my life the way I could have. There are lots of conflicting emotions surrounding my kids, my DH, myself. That's what I'm numbing. Add to that the crush I have on a man who WOULD have been more my type, and the ensuing feelings of guilt, blah blah blah. It's admittedly more than I want to think about, so I eat it. I really don't know how to deal with it in a healthy way. I'm hoping the Geneen Roth books will help - but if anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to them!!

Crap. Makes me wanna find the Easter candy. Or the beer.

But thanks, Chris! :twirly:

Originally Posted by rochemist:
Even when I look at pictures of the last supper I can't imagine Jesus or one of his disciples pushing back from the table and going, "Well someone better come clear this off because I can't walk now."

:rofl: Chris, you kill me. :lol:
Sorry, darling. I AM here. I'm still really having med troubles, and I can't get my head around all of your posts. :lol3: Seriously, it's all I can do right now to get to the gym six days a week. My psychiatrist has actually added Topomax to my Effexor with the hopes that it'll give me the final boost I'm not getting on the Effexor alone. Otherwise, I'll have to try something else. Again. :( I'm really hoping this works, and that I'll reap the benefits of the appetite suppressant with the Topomax. ;) This week I'm on the lowest possible dose (checking for side effects), and we'll gradually up it to see if it works.

Bunna, what a sad story. :( My dear, you are a VERY strong woman.
Have the two of you ever gone for counceling?
You must be a wonderful mother to have raised two such fine boys in such a difficult situation. I'll keep you in my prayers. :grouphug:

Hello, Kat! :wave:
And Jennelle, Tracy, Holly, Odile (welcome!), Angi, Katrina, Sarah, CeeJay...

love and hugs to all... :grouphug:

Tracy, we posted together! I'll be keeping you in my prayers, too, girl! Hang in there... stay strong. :grouphug:

Originally Posted by rochemist:
living in the moment and feeling grateful for the people around me. I want to truly be choosing relationships over food. :D:

hello. this comment just sort of struck me, as a matter of fact i was just writing something similar in my journal this morning. i have this feeling that everything in my life = food. good, bad, or ugly it all has a comforting side dish. i am searching for a way to find my comfort inside ME and in my friends and family and not in what we eat together. is this possible? i was raised around good party's with great food. we celebrate everything with food!! every great occasion has a good food associated with it.

last night we celebrated my ds 9th bday with his friends we ordered pizza, i looked forward to that pizza all day!! (i havent had pizza in months) i actually got very upset because the pizza didn't have the gloopy xtra cheese i ordered on it. it didn't taste good to me but that did not stop me i still ate 2 pieces. i have some real issues if i get mad over missing xtra cheese even i can see that. i am embarassed to admit that, but i am trying to find my way somewhere so i had to tell someone.

hope you don't mind me just jumping in here.

Jodi, jump in anytime! You're very welcome here. :grouphug:
I can completely relate to what you said. It's not uncommon for me to become quite sullen if the food I'm getting isn't up to my expectations. In the past, I've thrown a fit if DH has left out an ingredient on my burger, etc. :rolleyes: There's DEFINITELY something wrong!
As for finding comfort in something other than food... I'm still searching, too!

Hi all...

I could write a novel on this subject. I will come back later to do so. :)

What beautiful honest responses.
 

I overslept this morning so I missed my meeting :( But now I can spend more time doting on my DH and my DS (he got home last night from Minn. and I swear he has grown another inch!) Then I read ya'lls response. Thank you! :grouphug:

My plans for today is to spend time with my family and extended family. :D

Welcome Jodi! I have found that since I have become abstinent that foods that use to comfort me or their franken food counterparts(since I strive to be sugar free) are really disappointing and just the knowledge that I am eating my feelings instead of expressing them makes it all more shallow. They say once you identify your ED, name it, and claim it, you can never abuse food the same again. :p

(((((((((((Ellis))))))))))))))) I am sorry for killing you :lol: You need to drop by for extra prayers to figure out your meds :angel: and PUT DOWN THE BRIDGE MIX ;) I love you girl!!!!!!! :cofdate:

Tracy- Its easy to walk down the What if Road, but one gift our higher power keeps giving us in the next new moment and the choice to live it happily :gift:

Bunna- Your a strong beautiful woman and you have mae it so far. I often say that the one thing I am glad about my marriage is that I stayed through the hard times so we can have the good time. I just want to hug you and tell you are so not alone! (((((((((((((Bunna)))))))))))))))) :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

I was talking this morning to my FP sponsor and I the time I started using was between 9 and 11. All those missed out feelings, maybe this is the reason I understand teenage angst I am finally getting there.

Keep sharing, it gets easier!
Love ya'll!
Miss Chris

Thanks for the :grouphug: everyone.

It is so pretty here today the sun is shining, the cats are lazing in the windows and yard. Everyone is gone and I have the house to myself for a little while. :dancer: :cloud9: I love that.

Had my morning :coffee: and am getting ready to leave for work. We are closed for Easter so that is family day beginning with church then family dinner. I will be dodging Easter baskets tomorrow for sure. UGH!!! :nono:

All have a wonderful day today and I am praying for each of us to have peaceful day filled with good thoughts. :goodvibes

Talk to you later.

Food was always there for me. Food didn't tell me I was ugly. (Do you know my mom ACTUALLY said to me once, "You may grow up to be pretty, but you will never be beautiful." She also told me that I was "pretty in my own way." What the f&*^ does THAT mean?) Food didn't tell me that I was disappointing. Food didn't scream at me. Food didn't tell me I was selfish. Food kept me from being desperately lonely. Food kept me in bad situations longer than any sane person would have endured.

And, at certain points along the way, food was my way of asserting my independence. I could control food. I didn't have to eat it, and I had the "power" to not eat - ever.

Oh, Jennelle. :cry: That is HORRIBLE. How could a mother say those things!? I haven't even seen you, but I KNOW that you're beautiful. :grouphug:

Wow, what incredible shares!
 

Thanks! It is great to be surrounded by such beautiful women who share both their ups and downs. :grouphug:

Hi Jodi! :wave:

Food only would comfort me initially. By the time I was done eating I felt like crap again. My feelings would numb for a bit but not for long. All my COE truly did was make me hate myself.

DH is in Vegas with friends until tomorrow. I hung out with a friend yesterday who has a 6 month old (hello biological clock!). :bb: Today I am having dinner with a work friend. And this morning was my favorite read a book and hang out at my local diner time. ;) :coffee:

DH is starting a new job next week as a Director's Assistant. We are both so psyched. His current job looks like it is (the company) going under because everyone recently received pay cuts. And were all given more work. :mad: Plus the new job will be with friends and will be a great opportunity. So we're very happy. :D :D :D :D

Have a good day!

Ellis - thanks :) That really meant a lot.

I spent an hour on the phone with my sponsor this afternoon. I was really having a tough day. I'm dredging up some stuff in doing the 4th step, and it's really no fun. All this time I thought I had moved beyond some of the things that have happened to me, but I guess I haven't. It's no wonder I COE. So, for today, I'm trying to take it one minute at a time.

thank you all for such a warm welcome!!! i am so glad i discovered this group. until just recently i would of never thought i had an eating disorder but the more i look into myself and research it the more evident it is to me. i'm not sure what to do with this information yet as i think i am in some sort of shock. gonna mull all this over for a while, i know the answer is out there.

nice to see you ellis!! it is very comforting to me to know i am not alone.

Just a pop - in.

We had people over for dinner tonight. (I am going sugar free). Dan made scrumptious-smelling cookies for dessert, and served them with ice cream. I didn't have any. I thought that was a victory. Then, after they left, the real test started. There's a giant plate of cookies in my kitchen! I actually talked through it with Dan for a second. I said, "Look, it was hard to sit there while everyone else was eating them, but I did that. If I did that, I can do this, right? I can pass them up." So, I have not touched them. We need to wrap them up, though and put them away.

Angi, congratulations on passing up the cookies! :hat:

Jodi, I'm so glad to see you here! I must confess, I initially joined this group because I knew Chris was the new moderator here, and I wanted to support her. After I started reading the posts, I thought, "Oh, my goodness! I have an eating disorder!" :lol3:

Jennelle, I meant it. I know I probably sound mushy at times (it's a coping mechanism... I'm trying to compensate for being an uptight Brit), but I'm being completely sincere with you. :grouphug:

Kat, I am just filled with jealously everytime I read about you sitting in a diner with your book. :D And then I think about you having a baby in the near future. Enjoy it NOW, dear girl. :lol:
Good luck to your DH next week!! :lucky:

Chris, I hope you're enjoying your family time! :grouphug: Hey, who needs an analyst when you've got your sponser! :) You're doing GREAT, hon!

Happy Easter Day to all who celebrate it! And Happy Day to those who don't!

Good Morning!
 

:coffee: :coffee: :coffee:

For those of us who celebrate Easter, Happy Easter!

Since the weekend topic has been using food not to feel, how about not using it to not feel. Anyone have that experience? I can wait long enough after I am initially hungry that I won't be hungry anymore, but I will feel empty. And then my feelings kind of hollow out the same as my stomach, and I use it as an excuse to be demanding because poor me isn't eating. Look at the martyr. Oh poor me no candy, no food, no anything, no one loves me. Its ridiculous, but I do this from time to time. Having a sponsor that requires me to eat 3 meals a day is very comforting for that. This goes in my journal, but it goes here too. Yesterday I was making up the kids Easter Baskets and I started to feel sorry for me. I had no idea that I would need to mourn Easter candy, its never been that big of deal for me. So my little tantrum lasted till 930 pm last night when I finally ate dinner. So I am feeling a little tender right now about my behavior, but I want to name it, claim it, and dump it. Having food mourning is okay.

Angi how ever you feel about those cookies thats real and if you need to give them up for today, do a little mourning the things we do with food might seem goofy to others but sometimes crying over cookies is recovery. Your a superstar! :cheer:

Ellis I am going to send you off to the pigs anon forum in the Alternachicks section, some of us show up there a little more often then others ;) I love you girlie and I am so happy you came here to support me. Your my Canadian sister, you know that? :cofdate: :yes:

Jodi We are happy to have you. I have found that as weird as it might sounds I have walked through thresholds of self discovery to my own well being. Walking through the threshold called depression was one gate, walking through another one that said binge eater was another, and finally after much fighting I have walked through a third gate that says bullemic and guess what I am okay being me. I don't have to fight these things anymore, I can treat them :D

Jenelle You are so brave to be working on step four, and once the ucky and step 5 are done you can let all that stuff go. Something to look forward to. YOUR NOT UGLY! Your momma is ugly and thats why she said that. Thats makes me so :mad: Your so me sometimes the food is the only thing I could control :rolleyes: :lol3: I now realize it always has controlled me. :^:

Bunna Here are some :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: 's wishing you another beautiful day! :D

Kat Enjoy your time with other peoples kids at least when your done you can go home :lol: The holidays are a great time to be a momma because you get to enjoy the holiday through your kids. Don't you think Tracy? Are you guys still going to TTC this summer Kat?

Have a lovely day! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Miss Chris :flow2:

Happy Easter!!!

I hope you are all having a good day. In 36 years of owing dogs I have never had a dog escape and get hit by a car, but when I returned from work last night one of my dogs was lying dead in the road. We are all sad today, I just cannot believe he got out of the house and down to the road. I had trouble going to sleep cuz I kept waking up thinking he should be down by my feet. And yes, I have been binging like :crazy: Working on getting control of that as it isn't making me feel any better and it certainly is not going to bring our dog back.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for Jennelle and Tracy.

Ellis: Hope your meds work out soon. I take a lot of them and I know how difficult those first few weeks can be with side effects. It is so nice when they settle down. Hope you are feeling much better real soon. :sunny: :flow2: :flow1:

Thank you Chris for your encouraging words and comfort. I too try to look at the good times now rather than looking back, unfortunately, it creeps to the front sometimes. :( :devil: :devil: :devil:

Jodi: Pizza alert! I think we all have had times when we got upset over the food not being right and overeacted a little. Unlike you I would have sent it back for more :cheese: I like extra cheese on my :jeno: too. I also think that owning a restaurant makes it harder when I go in somewhere else because I know their job is to make it how I want it. Don't be too hard on yourself about it. ;)

Kat: Aren't babies so precious. :bb: Remember comfort food = danger for us. Food is nourishment not comfort and I am saying that to myself too. :soap:

Gonna finish my :coffee2: and hit the shower. The girls are outside playing with all their Easter goodies. Talk to you all later.

Hi all
 

Going to a friend's soon, but wanted to say hi.

Bunna: Not sure what you meant by comfort food? :) Unless you were talking about what I used to do pre-OA (what my share was about)? I am happy to report that I now have HP as my comfort "food". ;) 10 plus months of no COE under my belt, one day at a time. Thanks HP! :clap: And I definitely agree with you that food is nourishment. ;)

Chris: Thanks for the share. We are going to be TTC pretty soon.

Ellis: LOL. Soon I'll have to give up the coffee :coffee: at my diner, too, since we'll be TTC. :)

Angi: Yay you!

Jodi: So glad you joined us

Jennelle: Good for you for reaching out to your sponsor instead of the food.

OK, I have to vacuum before I leave. Have a good night!

Ugh. I got SF chocolates from hubby. Ask HP if it would be okay, as chocolate is on my abstinence list. That led me to look at the directions, which point out that there is no real chocolate in them, only "chocolate flavoring." Okay, so I had some. I was careful to space them out so as not to encounter the "laxative effect" (which I dealt with the last time I ate SF chocolates at Christmastime.)

*WARNING: Begin possible "TMI" territory* Well, I'm not as poopy as I was last time, but I still have gas pains and am farting a blue (and stinky) streak and feel like general ****. I don't know if it's the "laxative effect" or if it's just the fact that I haven't had anything remotely candy-like in a long time. (It kind of reminds me of the nausea I had in boot camp after eating a Snickers bar for the first time in five weeks.) Anyhow, I just need to throw them in the trash and ask hubby not to buy them anymore for me.

Hi! I hope you all won't mind my jumping into the discussion. I am a member who's been away for several months, and am now lugging about 50 extra pounds back with me as I return. I've struggled with COE, bulemia sometimes, and depression most of my life.

I found as the Easter holiday was looming that I was doing my usual thing, amassing recipes of sweets I wanted to bake because it was a holiday: cookies, cake, candy. Then I had a lightbulb moment: I just this week got my eating back under control after a winter-long binge. And If I baked any of that stuff, I'd just binge some more, then I'd end up hating myself and struggling to not let this weekend turn into another week, another month, a few more months, of out-of-control eating. It's so much harder, I think, to get myself BACK on track after I've screwed up than it is to just steer the course. So I decided to just stay on course this weekend.

I also suddenly realized the reason that I have these bake-a-thons/eat-a-thons every holiday: It distracts me from the apprehension I feel about these family gatherings.

So I made a conscious choice to NOT bake this holiday. No one missed it. Not even me. And at dinner yesterday, I passed up this lovely looking piece of pie by getting in touch with my body. I thought, I really AM full already. If I eat that, I will be STUFFED -- and hating myself--within a few minutes. So I said, no thanks.

And here I am on Monday, feeling GREAT about myself, on track with my eating, looking forward to another good week. Instead of feeling ashamed and despising myself for setting myself up to fail again.

Yes, I still felt apprehensive about the gathering, but I distracted myself with non-food things, and the feelings passed without the help of a couple thousand sugar- and fat-laden calories.

Yes, the few clothes I can still fit into are still straining at the seams and buttons (and the shame I feel about that has been yet another reason to continue binge-ing these past few months, believe it or not). However, I am way closer to changing that problem, those feelings, than I would have been if I'd used this holiday as another excuse to bake and binge.

So I've taken a baby-step toward health and am feeling very proud of myself.

Bunna: My sympathy to you on the loss of your dog. I've lost pets and know it can be heart-wrenching when you love them so much. My "babies" are more true family to me than many human beings I have blood-ties to.

Have a great day everyone!

Sami, a quick welcome!! :wave: We've started a Monday thread... come and join us! I just got in from the gym, and I've GOT to bathe! Back later...

Sami - good job! :)