I WILL beat this!

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  • I originally posted this in the WW category because I'm a WW! I;m moving it here in case there's someone out there who can relate to this.

    03-16-2001 12:01 AM profile | pm | search | buddy list | quote | edit


    I started WW about 3 years ago. I lost 50 lbs. that I had gained during a pregnancy. I got pregnant again and gained most of it back. So I went back to WW and started losing again. I love this program! I was eating healthier than I ever had. I was exercising almost everyday. I felt GREAT!
    I 've been coming to this forum since there were only a few hundred members, then the WW forums changed and the 3 Fat Chicks took off! I've gotten alot of support here and I really need some now.
    It was about a year ago, I had lost about 40 lbs and the program was going great. I had some other very stressful things going on in my life, but I thought I was handleing everything pretty well. Then my parents came down one weekend and they love buffets and going out to eat 3 times a day and junk food, you know what I mean. I wasn't worried, though, because by now I was a WW pro. I knew all the tricks. My points were banked. I knew exactly what I could eat at every restaraunt in town. I didn't even like really fattening foods anymore. All the stress must have gotten to me because at the first buffet I ate and ate soo much! I could not believe it. Normally I would have just delt with it and made up for that week with more workouts, etc. BUT I had a family reunion in a few days, with MY IN-LAWS!! My beautiful, wealthy, perfect, THIN in-laws who hadn't seen me since losing weight. I thought about this on the way home. I thought about how I would be sick and bloated the next day from all the unhealthy, fried, fattening food I just ate. I got home and in one second I went into the bathroom and threw up, on purpose.
    I never thought that I would ever do anything like that. I didn't even think about it, really, I just did it. I'm still doing it...over a year later. At first, it seemed so easy. I could eat whatever I wanted. Then as I would do it more, I quit exercising because I was to weak. I would get dizzy alot and shake for no reason. I continued going to meetings and lost a total of 70 lbs. made goal then lifetime. I couldn't go back after that because I knew it was all a lie.
    I know you are going to tell me I HAVE to go to a doctor...I know...I've tried. I get there and I can't tell them. I mean I just can't say it. I've left with anti-depressants, and stuff like that. I did tell my husband, it was kind of hard to hide. At my worst I was doing it 4, 5, 6 times a day. Now I go a few weeks doing it. Then eat like a crazy person for a week or two and then start over again. I have decided that my only way out is to start exercising again. I AM going to a doctor. I know I need to. Right now though, I have to get out of this cycle. I want to feel good again, healthy and strong. I can't go back to a WW meeting. I need something, daily motivation maybe?

    I know what I'm doing to myself and I don't want to do it anymore.
    I don't want this to happen to anyone else , either. My muscle that I worked so hard to get is wasted away. I'm a size 6 but I'm flabby and gross. The weeks that I'm eating I gain 15-20 lbs easy in just a week or two. That's why I have to start again, so I can fit into my clothes. I'm at the end of my eating cycle now. This one started with another visit from my parents, at the same buffet place. And in a month I have that same family reunion to go to. I am going with energy and on my way back to health. I feel like I have to quit now or I'll never be able to stop.
    It's do or die time, literally.

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  • Thank you all so much! I have been trying to post that for months and couldn't do it! I was so afraid because its such a weird thing and alot of people just don't understand at all. You are all so sweet and caring. I was so afraid I would get lectured, or hear about all the horrible things this can do to my body. That's how my husband tries to help. He gets so mad and frustated with me. He says "Just stop. Just don't do it anymore. It's that simple.". I wish it were.
    I know before this happened to me, I had no idea what it was really about. I always thought that people that did this were like people with anorexia. I thought it was a distorted body image problem. I thought instead of not eating, they just "got rid" of what they ate. Maybe some are like that, but in my case I go with the compulsive over eaters group. I never realized it,
    I have always turned to food to feel better. Its strange to say that because I would always watch these TV shows and here women saying that they over eat for comfort and I didn't get that. I thought I just ate because...I just did. You know the most stressful times in my life were when I was at my heaviest. I always
    assumed I was stressed out because I was fat, not the other way around. My brother and sister have struggled with drug problems since they were early teenagers.
    Everyone thinks I'm the good one, that I have it all together. People say"I can't believe you are from the same family." I always agreed with them because I never looked at my eating as a problem, except that it made me fat of course. Now I know. Food is my drug. I know it sounds silly or stupid to some people but its true. I remember,at 13 or 14 years old, eating a cup cake after a fight with my mother. I remember thinking" I can't wait until I get a job so I can buy a whole box of these and eat them all at once." I drop my kids off at school and go to 2 or 3 different fast food places, come home and eat it all. I can do this all day if I'm really stressed out. It is so easy to lose control. I spend so much money on food just to do this with. On my grocery list are things that are just for me to do this with. I have my own little stash that I make sure is stocked daily.
    This is my drug problem, and I can't tell anyone because then they will know that I am not the perfect one. That I'm not strong, that I can't take it.
    I am figuring all this out now for the first time. Its a relief in a way. I also feel like a loser and a failure. I mean I just thought I had a weight control
    problem. Nothing a little exercise couldn't fix.

    I am going to a doctor soon. I like your idea,Sil, of writing it down. I think I will just keep it short and simple( unlike my posts here) and hand him a post it note or something. I thought about having my husband call and make my appointment and tell them then, but I think I would get there and deny it. I know that's terrible but this is difficult.
    I want to thank you all so much. I feel alot better after just these 2 posts. I never let myself think about it before. You all have helped me more than you could ever imagine. I think this is just what I need. Thank you.

    Last edited by icandoit on 03-18-2001 at 12:26 PM

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  • I just made an appointment with a doctor, who specializes in eating disorders, for Thursday. I am so excited. I can't believe I'm going!.
    I am going to try to make it until then without throwing up.(I hate saying that so I'm going to come up with something else to call it) I was sick all last week, so I didn't do it. I have been eating alot but have managed to keep it all down because my throat is sore. I'm afraid if it gets better before Thurs. I'll start again. I'm so pathetic! I just don't get this food thing.
    I'm also going to a psycologist. I hope that works out okay. I don't know how I feel about telling someone that I don't even know about my problems. I mean I know that they're smart and have a degree and everything to help someone like me, but how can they really understand unless they've been through it? Don't get me wrong, I totally believe in this type of therapy, and I would much rather talk about this with someone that doesn't know me than with someone that does. I just picture him thinking about how pathetic this is and how he can't wait to get to his racketball club after work for a good game. Listen to me pre judging him about judging me! That's great! Maybe I should try to find a woman instead...no that could be worse! I know it will be fine! I know....it will be fine.
  • Good for you ! ! ! I am so proud of you for taking such a HUGE (and difficult) step in the right direction. I will keep you in my prayers and I'll check in often to see how you are doing.
    I'm sure that your visit with the doctor will be very stressful, but it will also be a relief at the same time.
    Please post when you can and let us know how the visit went. Good luck and God bless~~~Sil
  • Icandoit~~~I thought about you several times today.Wondering if you went to the doctor and how it went. Want you to know that you are in my prayers.{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}
  • Sil, thank you so much for all your support. It really means alot because no one knows about this(except my husband who doesn't quite know what to do). All the support I get is here and it really helps. I would like to know how you're doing, too!

    So...I went to the Dr. today. He was very nice. It wasn't at all what I expected. He didn't make a big deal about it. It was like"Okay, this has happened to you , now we'll fix it." I thought I would be scolded in one way or another, but I wasn't. I'm not sure how much physical damage I've done to myself.My teeth,tongue and throat are in pretty bad shape. My throat is the worst, but I think it heal with time. I'll have to see a dentist, of
    course, but hopefully I haven't done to much damage.My heart beat is irregular sometimes, that was scary to hear, but that too should be okay. All of the other things like dizziness, shaking, being light headed etc. will pass as my body gets healthy again. So, hopefully nothing is permanant, thank God. My body is holding on to almost everything that I put into it so I was up 18 lbs from a week ago! He put me on a "detox" plan. Its not one of those fasting or all liquid things. I eat normal healthy food and take different vitamins and things that will cleanse my system. Sleep is part of the plan...that will be the hardest part for me. I can't seem to sleep much no matter how tired I get. He says this will get better soon. I hope so. I go back to him in one week, then every 3 or 4 after that. He did tell me how important counseling is. I knew that but definately did not want to hear it. I just don't feel like facing the things that I've been trying so hard to avoid for the past few years. I guess its time, though. This treatment thing is happening so fast. I'm really glad, its like I won the lottery or something. You think about it like 'If I ever..." and now I have and I'm still registering it.
    I still haven't thrown up(need a new word!) but I've come very close. If I can just make it through the next week, until I go back to the Dr., I will be happy. I was going to try to go day by day, but I thought it would be to easy for me to say "Forget today, I'll start again tomarrow." This way I have todayoint A ;and next ThursdayointB. I need to get from A to B. I don't know why but it works for me...I think.I'm just trying to keep busy and think of other things. Its sad because when I want to do it the most is when I think about having to go see a psycologist and telling them whats"bothering" me. Maybe I'll get there andstart talking and it will make me more angry and bitter and I'll become a horrible angry person on top of being out of control. Or...maybe once I get there and it starts coming out it won't sound so bad. It'll be like when you think you have a really good story but when you tell it its not that great. If I hear myself say this is why I have lost control of my body, mind and spirit, it won't sound so bad and I'll get past it.

    However it goes, I will let you know. In the meantime I will be posting here when I feel like I'm not going to make it...or if I have made it through something ...difficult.

    Thank you for listening and good luck to you.
  • Icandoit,
    You are doing a good job...it is a very difficult thing to begin and you are very brave! I believe that you are doing the right thing as far as treatment. It is important to seek out professionals that are experienced in this field. Many themselves HAVE struggled with an eating disorder and can relate to what you are going through. Taking the first step is hard, but the whole journey is hard. It's been a hard thing to accept that this is a life long thing for me, and recovery is slow, as it is with any addiction. But I'm here to tell you that it CAN be done! There are hills and valleys, and you have to really want your recovery. This is because you have learned a way to "cope" and it will take time to "train your brain" to respond in a different way.
    My advice for now is to become as educated about your eating disorder as you can. It will begin to make a lot of sense and explain some of the things that you are doing. There are many authors out there as well as educational web sites having to do with eating disorders. I would say that you are struggling with a form of bulimia in that you alternate binging and purging cycles. Best of luck and please hang around for support more often than when something really significant happens. I have found that the day to day support is tremendously helpful.
  • Hello Icandoit~~~

    I'm so proud of you for taking that big step yesterday! It sounds like you found the right doctor for you. I think that after you have seen this doc again, it would be great if you could then find a therapist that deals in this issue. Maybe your doc can help you find one that is appropriate for you. I believe that when you go to the therapist, you will find the same " OK this has happened, now let's fix it "attitude there. There's no point in them scolding you because you already know that you have a problem and they realize that you are there because YOU WANT TO FIX IT. That's something to be encouraged not scolded.

    Please come here often; as there are lots of us here for support. Even if you just need to vent alittle.

    You can always e-mail me any time you want to talk or vent. I usually check in several times a day. Or you can send me a private message here on the board.

    Good luck and keep in touch often~~~Sil
  • Okay, I'm not doing too well! I am so fat now! I can't fit into my jeans that I was wearing just a couple weeks ago! I need to start exercising and eating healthy but I'm not doing it. WHY? I don't know! If I would just do it I know what will happen. I will feel better and look better. I want to go back to WW so bad. I just can't yet.
    Have any of you done WW at home? How do you stay motivated? I try but i know that I don't have to weigh in at a certain time so I just put it off. I have some family get togethers coming up and if I don't start something soon then I know I'll slip and go back to my "problem". I was supposed to go to the Dr. Friday but there was a message on my voicemail canceling! I'm supposed to call to reschedule but that has really thrown me off. I wasn't ever really on even.
    I feel like I'm losing it. I have done better with the binge eating. I think my body was starving so I ate like a maniac for a while. Now its just doing the right thing that I'm stuggling with. Any ideas?

    Thank you and good luck to all of you.
  • Icandoit.....
    I was going to send you a pm but it said that it was too long so I hope you don't mind my reply here....

    When i went into treatment they traced it back to when I was 4 years old. I always had a problem with food. All the members in my family are overweight and i knew people made fun of them and certain things were hard for them to do. So i told myself I would never be overweight. It really didn't become too much of a problem until I hit puberty. Then I went crazy with it.
    Not only did I abuse my body but I had another addiction to deal with. To ease the pain of what I was doing to my body I turned to drugs. Then sex. I thought that if guys thought i was good enough to have sex with then I must look good. boy was I wrong. I was 17 when my parents took me kicking and screaming to get treatment. Since I was a minor I had to go. I am so glad I did. I almost died. They said if I had continued on the road I was on I would have been dead in less than 3 months.

    I now have severe intestinal problems, from laxative abuse. My esphogus is stretched out and I have spasms, It either tightens around food and I choke or it expands and food or drink goes down too fast and I choke. Then there are my teeth. The stomach acid has damaged the enamel on my teeth, so I have all kinds of dental problems. Ulcers, Heart palapations, and migrains. So if you think it isn't that bad, think again not only are you hurting yourself now but it will hurt you later too. Not to mention the emotional stress. I almost died. I had a bleeding ulcer in my stomach and small intestines. Puking blood is no fun.

    My problem now is I have weight on me and I am scared to death to get carried away on a diet and exercise program. I am slowly working my way up instead of starting out full force. It is helping some but I still get discouraged. I work at the local public pool in the summer and the months before i dread getting into a bathing suit. That is one of the hardest things for me to do.

    So PLEASE if you haven't already please get professional help. Like I said i will be here for you no matter what. I would hate to see these things happen to you if they already haven't. So please take care and pm me later.
    Love and prayers

    sorry for the long post but I am really think it needed to be said.
  • I am having a great day today! I feel better than I have in a long time. I actually WANTED to work out this morning! It was wonderful! I am so happy, I had a rough few days last week and now things are looking up. I hope I can keep this up for a while.
    I am going to clean out all the upstairs closets. That will keep me busy for a week! If I start to slip back I'm coming straight here!
    I hope you all are having a great day ,too!
  • I'm so glad that you are doing well this week.
    You sound so UP and POSITIVE. It's good to hear it!
    Come here whenever you like, the more often the better. {{{{HUGS}}}}}
  • I feel like I have known you all my life. I have struggled with bulimia for years. I have been to doctors and I have done the antidepressents. I am up 20 pounds right now. I fell off my wagon about 6 months ago. I just can not get back the strength and will power that I had. I want it so bad, but food always wins. I was wondering if you could tell me about the detox program that your doctor told you about. I am very curious about that. My doctors have always just made me feel like I was stupid and looking for attention. I wish I has one who really understood!!!
  • Hi guys

    Just me having a bad day. The warmer it gets the more i dread getting into shorts let alone a bathing suit. Maybe I should find a different summer job. But I love my job. I am really leaning towards the "problem" as a quick fix for losing weight before summer. I am really depressed today. So I apologize for just rambling on. It just seems to make me feel a little better to get it all out.
  • Be strong! You can do it. Remember where you were and how sick you got. Please just take it one day at a time. You are in my prayers and you are welcome to vent anytime you want