Things I realize
 

So I have been reading this forum...and I think I have found where I belong. And as I read some of your journeys I realize things about myself. And I feel like I need to document it.

Thing I realize 1) In my mind I feel like it's wrong to take care of myself (i.e. exercise, eat healthy) when I'm in crisis mode. As if these things are selfish. In fact right now, I am considering weight loss surgery and feeling guilty about it because my mom has cancer. Before that it was because my Grandmother was dying.

But here's the thing...something is always happening. There is no "my turn" time. I just have to find a way to take care of myself and still be there to take care of someone else. I think this is a boundary issue.

Good for you! I second that feeling of guilt about looking after yourself when other people need you.

Taking care of yourself is incredibly important.

Welcome! I think many women are hardwired to think of themselves as undeserving! Partly because as mothers we always put our hildrens needs first, so there is a biological component. But it's cultural as well, we live in a patriarchal society Where are you? Men are the head of households, they're the bread winners, they're stronger, they make more money and more decisions, they carry the family name and legacy. Women are subjugated in the church and in the media. We are taught to look good but not say much. We are expected to give but not to take.

It's time to break free of all that. If you don't put yourself first no one else will. When you start valuing yourself others will follow suit. Your health is your greatest gift. By taking care of your needs you will be in a better position to take care if others.

I don't know if something like this suits you but I feel lucky to have found a community group in my neighborhood called the new moon women's circle. It's held at my local yoga studio and once a month we meet to meditate and share our life stories and strengths with other women. I find the collective feminine energy to be very powerful and necessary for me. Is there something similar in your community, a church group or something that can foster your inner needs?

I want to comment back, but I want write this down before I forget. I do not know how to be still. This causes me to over eat because if I am eating I am doing something.

It is true. I am going to have to work on some kind of balance.

So I'm not a mother, and I can't even imagine what being a parent would do to my psyche (both bad and good). I am a nurturer, but so is my husband. He takes care of me more than I take care of him. But I get what you mean, it might be more about the society we live in.
Although, for me, I think the idea of me being selfish comes from my mother. I am still working on the idea that her perceptions of me aren't particularly realistic or fair, and I need to stop worrying about it.

That sounds interesting. While that specifically is not my thing, you do remind me of something. I am not taking care of my spiritual needs. Perhaps it's time to.

Thing I realize 3: Eating healthy is easy for the short term. My challenges are that I don't have enough easy and quick meals for eating when I'm alone. (My husband does most of the cooking, but 3 days a week I'm on my own.)
Also, I do actually eat healthy most of the time. But I eat sweets and salty foods on top of eating healthy. And I don't have portion control. I think paying attention to my emotions is really important and paying attention to when I am no longer hungry.

Success 1: Today my husband went out to eat for breakfast. I had a bunch of weekly points left over and today was the last day of the week before weigh in. So I though I could splurge a bit. I ordered a 3 egg omelet with fried potatoes (I love potatoes. I love fried potatoes.) But instead of toast I asked for it to be replaced with fresh fruit.
My success is that I only ate half of it. Yes the food is not something that I can have everyday. It's too much fat and calories. But I could have it today without sabotaging myself. And I am glad that I could choose something that was really good (and it was nutritious) but more importantly I am glad that I stopped at the half way mark. I actually stopped and waited to feel what my stomach and brain were saying.

Although this is also interesting. Because I notice that my stomach is not always in tune with my brain. Often times my stomach says "You are full." But my brain says I'm still hungry. I am wondering that by not eating so much crap, my blood sugar and hunger hormones have stablized a bit? Which brings me to realization 4) Weight gain and loss are really complicated. There is no one size fits all, and there certainly is no one choice fits everyday. I am not a fan of shades of grey.

True true true true. I'm not a fan of shades of grey either, yet it is reality and coming to grips with it can only help!

Congrats on your success at breakfast! One of my favorite meals ever is fried potatoes (they must have onions in there) with grape jelly. I drool a little thinking of it.

And I lost a pound at my first weigh in. Nothing big, but at least I'm moving in the right direction.
Of course if I think about it it will take me almost 2 years before I am at my goal weight of 150. Which is why it's better to not think about it.
Ironically in my work I know that it is better to focus on small short term goals than on the big ones. Often I have students that move slowly toward their goal and I need to be able to accept that as long as they are moving in the right direction I am doing my job.
So realization #6: Short term goals are the key.
and the short term goal set by weight watchers 237. Which is 12 weeks. I think I need it even smaller, so I'll shoot for 245 which is 4 weeks. And of course all this involves losing at a pound a week. Which I might not do.

Realization 7: Pain makes me susceptible to bingeing.
Got a migraine. Not one that makes me sick but one in which the pain does not respond to medication.
I was in a funk all day and I now I realize I was in the prodromal stage of migraine.
And I finally gave in and binged on tortilla chips and salsa. Not the end of the world and I refuse to beat myself up about it. But I have got to figure out a strategy to deal with this.

And I also notice that when I take narcotics for migraines I want to eat sweets. Fortunately since I've started botox treatment for the migraines I need less Vicodin.

I avoided narcotics this migraine cycle, so no crazy cravings for sweets that I don't normally happen.
I didn't count points today on weight watchers. Instead I had a healthy breakfast that was easy, because I wasn't feeling it.
For lunch I had a huge bowl of popcorn. I had been craving popcorn for over a week and the little 100 cal baggie was cutting it. So today I told myself: When I'm really hungry I can have all the popcorn I want. I got hungry and made home made popcorn with a table spoon of olive oil. I don't really know what the calories are in popcorn, but I know that 1 table spoon of olive oil is 100 calories of the good kind of fat. So I ate huge bowl full. I really worked on focusing on how I was feeling. That's a lot of effort. I like tune out. Watch TV, play a video game, etc. I did listen to a book on tape, but I checked in with my self frequently. And when i was done I had no more craving. And I didn't crave it for dinner, even though it was already made.
Instead I had a salad of tomato and cucumber with olive oil and vinegar. And I'm done eating.

Not sure, but I think I am new in this area of the forums. And I am fairly new to the entire community
I think that with dedication like what you are describing here, healing is occurring. Its a journey to be sure. I really like how you were working on it while eating. Doing what you knew to do to take care of, and give to yourself in a healthy way while eating this wonderful popcorn. you have my admiration.

Taking care of yourself is important. So I do admire you for the decision to do that even when there are obstacles. I hope your mom is doing better very soon. :hug: