It's torturing...

My eating disorder has never been that bad.
I lost 40 lbs, gained 50 back, I've chewed and spit, counted calories obsessively, starved myself, stuffed my face, lost my period for 1 1/2 years, clothes have grown and shrunk on me, and I know very well the guilt and anger I feel when a family member comes in the room when I'm mid-binge. Those mornings spent baking treats or making pancakes for my family weren't for doing something nice. They were so I could eat pancake after pancake (soaked in maple syrup, of course), spoonfuls of brownie badder, cupcakes, granola, icing, cookies...
But my eating disorder has never been that bad.

I've only been dealing with this for 3 1/2 years now, but my issues with food have consumed me. I can't imagine how awful it must be to struggle with this for an entire life.

I'm only 18. I'm still young. I need to break free from this cycle that I'm trapped in.

Thank you for sharing this article. I know it's not easy, but let's all transcend this food-obsession. Let's all become intuitive eaters. We can do it. We are all strong, powerful, beautiful women. Let's stop torturing ourselves.

Thank you so much for posting this. A lot of what she said really hit home for me. Particularly the shame of buying "binge food". I avoided the perceived judgment of cashiers at the grocery store by using self checkout whenever I could, but I couldn't avoid people at the fast food drive-through (which was my biggest weakness). There was a time where I was going through the same McDonald's so many times I was sure most of the people working there recognized me. I started going to different McDonald's just so I wouldn't have to be embarrassed to be there AGAIN.

It's so sad what this disorder does to people. I still (and probably always will) have tendencies to binge, but it's gotten a lot better since I've moved in with my boyfriend. I'm never really alone at night so it's a lot easier to control myself. But I remember doing most of what this article talked about.

"I ve never been that bad" oh yes I have just different....no I did not throw up ever but that is problem just because I never figured it out.....I abused laxatives ect. I know thats what upset me so about reading this ..I am 60 and have been living with this in my closet for years.I have done everything mentioned by all of you and had all those feelings. I am I guess as this forum is called Living in Control today!

You could be speaking about me exactly, when I lived at home with my parents.

Oh! I've dug food out of the garbage before! Cookies & Chex Mix! They were on top of the other trash though, so they were clean. What I cannot relate to is the shame thing. I don't care what anybody thinks about me; I never have. In fact, I enjoy putting myself in a position where others can see me eating large amounts of food. I want them to see it. LOL I don't know why. I think I just enjoy shocking people.

Ditto on both. I frequently cave to something but throw out half so that I won't feel so bad.

I know my eating is disordered, but I've always wondered whether I would call myself a "binger" and I'm still not sure whether I can. I read the book Brain Over Binge and realized that none of my eating has approached the quantity or quite the out-of-control level that is described by the author. Also, I can relate somewhat (but not fully) to the author of that blog (who, by the way, is a really good writer--has a way with words). This part of her post, in particular, struck me: "I leave the store in the sunshine faith of daytime that I won’t be eating any bad stuff"

How true that is! I feel like every nearly every major trip to the grocery store is a hope-filled experience of how righteous my eating will be (sometimes it is; sometimes, it isn't).

What did surprise me was the part about shame in front of cashiers. I was even more surprised that so many here had experienced that. I can't relate to that at all. I guess I just don't give a hoot what the cashier thinks (maybe I'm too excited about the food I'm buying--LOL!)

Krampus, your posts always make me so hopeful. You seem, to me, to be the epitome of moderation. I remember you posted on the maintenance forum a while back that you were trying to resist a brownie on your desk at work but had forgotten it was there. I would never forget that brownie was there; it would plague me until I had eaten it or thrown it out. The fact that you can go from a self-professed binger to someone who seems to be so moderate makes me believe that there is hope for me yet!

I'm trying! I have been on the "moderate" train for a year or so now. I had a huge epiphany when I tried on a dress that was way too small at Trash & Vaudeville at St Mark's Place on Sunday - instead of me being too fat, the dress was just too small.

I never destroyed food either...part of me binging is that I like to "finish' stuff. I can't stop until the bag is empty. In my head I tell myself " I'm binging, I need to stop", yet, my body keeps on going through the motions of shoving whatever food I'm binging on. I have very specific food triggers that I try to avoid but sometimes it's just stronger than me. I definitely can relate to the "day food" vs. snack-you-shamefully-by-after-9pm. :/

Like!

Wow... that was powerful.

I've only recently identified myself as a binger. I was taught that the bingers were always purgers - that these were the thin people that at least had some since of control. I was just a gluttonous sloth who didn't even try to counteract it.

I've got a bad relationship with food, but I cannot imagine the scene she described. How heart wrenching.

What I really relate to in this article is the feeling of being unable to control your consumption of food, feeling so out of control that you can almost watch yourself from far away. I also relate to feeling shame while eating, and wondering if the check-out person knows what I am going to do.

This was very interesting, not only because of the binging but also because of the link she seemed to make between women being ashamed of their bodies in general. Really well written.