[danzingurl77]

This is purely for my own venting purposes- its totally whiny and full of self-pity. Read on if you dare. If not- I wont be offended.

Today I found out that the Charter School I work at will be closing next year unless there is an absolute miracle between now and then. I am not a "certified teacher", I am a dance coach- and those jobs don't come around very often. If the school closes, I'll still be teaching a few hours at night- but I'll have to go back to waiting tables during the day- something that really depresses me to think about. Losing the job I absolutely love to go back to waiting tables sounds so miserable.

I weighed myself this morning and am right back to where I was on January 1. The day I decided that I was really going to change my binging habits. It lasted a month and now here I am- another night wallowing in self pity and hating myself because I'm feeling like I'll never be able to handle myself around food. I am gaining weight and am terrified that its not ever going to stop. I am starting to believe that I really will never be able to stop.

I have family drama and parent issues that will never go away- about every 4-6 months the drama flares up again and today is one of those days. The worst part of it is that its all drama between other people and they all want me to "pick a side". I cant force them to get along- I cant choose a side- so do I just abandon my entire family and just give up on trying to get along with any of them? Do I just retreat into my own little world?

My DH is starting his own dealership and finally found a location that is zoned for a dealership within the city- and it turns out that the landlord is insane. He knocked out a wall because of black mold (we cant find any ANYWHERE)- and wont let us hire anyone or do anything to help repair it. It has been two months since the wall has been knocked out and he has not touched anything to start repairing it. When we call him to ask what we can do to help, he tells us that fixing the building is too stressful and he is giving up on ever fixing it (has told us that we are the source of his stress and hat we need to F-off--- seriously). Only to call the next morning and apologize, promising the world but nothing ever changes. We are looking for a new place to open up but every available location we have found within an hour of us is either way out of our price range or the building location is not "zoned" for a dealership.

Because of this business nightmare, DH has been under extreme stress lately- I understand his stress but he hasn't been sleeping, which makes him irritable and cranky- So unlike him- which makes me irritable- and although we are not fighting, the last week or two has felt very tense between us.. nothing is WRONG- but my stress and his stress seem to just be getting in the way of us being happy together and its just stressing me out more. He was exhausted and went to bed about two hours ago- and I stayed up to binge. Maybe its silly but I hate when we don't go to bed at the same time... its like our time to wind down and talk and since we both work all day I really cherish that time together... we barely even said goodnight before he headed to the bedroom and I headed for the fridge to drown my sorrows... I should have just gone and laid next to him for a while- I dont know why I didnt- and I feel silly that I am so stressed about it now.

I KNOW I am just throwing myself a big pity party- I am acting like I am a victim of life when I am absolutely not. DH just gets so little sleep lately that I dont want to wake him up to worry him with all of my problems, and none of my famliy is getting along right now so I cant call any of them.. My best friend is in the middle of a divorce and struggling with her sexuality- I dont know how to handle that or help her- that is so out of my realm of experience. I still love her and want to be her friend like I always have- but I can tell she is pullling away from me lately... not returning calls and cancelling lunches- and she has enough worries on her plate to worry about my petty issues and how I am torturing myself with food... So I dont really feel like I can call her either. I feel pretty alone tonight.

So here I am- venting to all of you fabulous people here at 3fc.... Even just writing my thoughts out so someone who may or may not read it is making me feel better- sort of.

[35X35]

I just read everything you wrote and I am so sorry you are going through all of this stress at once. As far as the binge, all I can say is -- it happens. Just try to do better tomorrow and don't beat yourself up or stay in a place of guilt about it. Feeling terrible over the binge won't help you heal. Forgiving yourself, caring for yourself and taking it day by day will help.

As far as your marriage, I think it's just one of those tough patches marriages go through. Maybe tomorrow morning you can give your hubby a big hug and tell him in love that you are so sorry he's been so stressed and that you love him very much and missed your time together last night and make a 'date' to talk in bed tomorrow night.

You will get through this. Everything will work itself out. I know that sounds over-simplified, but things truly do have a way of working themselves out -- or at the very least, time passes and things change. Don't stress over your job yet... take things day by day and live in the moment. Even if you have to get a job you don't like in a year or 6 months -- worrying about it *now* will only rob you of the *now*. Enjoy your now and stay hopeful.

As far as the family drama, you're wise to stay out of it. Even if you need to distance yourself until it blows over, that's better than getting involved and feeling in the middle.

The situation with your best friend is hard but remember, that's her struggle, not yours. Don't carry it on your shoulders. You can't fix her situation as much as you want to! I know you want to love her through it and by all means let her know you love her and want to be there for her -- but she's got to work it out on her terms. I don't think she's avoiding you because of YOU, I think she's just working out her own issues. Don't worry. If you are true friends, you'll come back around to each other when it's meant to be.

It helps to get things out. Venting here and talking it out is far better than possibly taking it out on someone you love -- or another binge...Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. Things will look better tomorrow.

[veggiedaze]

Sorry to hear all the stress you are under. I have been there many times feeling like there is no light at the end of the binging tunnel but somehow taking it one day at a time you can find yourself in a better place. Hang in there. Things will get better.

[danzingurl77]

Thank you both so much for the support and advice. Its always nice to get an outside perspective to remind me that my problems are not the end of the world. I have come back here several times today just to re-read your posts because they do help. I just wanted to make sure and say thank you!

I feel a little better today- still a little blue and disappointed in my binge, but I am trying to be nice to myself and remember that things WILL indeed get better.

[missunshine]

danzigurl i hope you're feeling better now
those are not small issues and i totally get you, the food is the only thing that's left when there's no one else to lean on.
i've been in your shoes so many times and now i see that we have similar problems. i hope things work out for you soon.