I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for over a year. I love him, and he loves me. A proposal is probably a year or two away, as there some health and career issues that he's working through before we would be ready to get engaged.

However, I find myself very scared and reluctant to WANT to get married, because I'm afraid of how it will affect my food habits and bingeing!!! I have my eating "under control," for the most part, but it's a fragile state. To fend off the desire to binge, I rely on strategies that I have discovered work for me: I save most of my calories for the evening, I eat a lot of the same things that are low-cal but satisfying, I have my nightly rituals of working out, packing my lunch, preparing my dinner, enjoying my dinner, enjoying my dessert, enjoying my coffee/diet soda after dessert, saving up lots of calories for treats, etc.) Admittedly, some of my strategies are not the healthiest -- I still eat lots of junk, but I do try to eat some healthy low-cal foods to get some nutrition while still getting in my sweet tooth fix. I save most of my calories for the evening so that I can eat a lot of food at once; it's almost like a nightly binge because I eat most of my daily calories at dinner. I am scared of how this will be affected by getting married and therefore living with someone else!

I struggle with the tendency to binge, and I've gotten it down to once/twice a month now (I'm trying to get it down to never/less frequently), but the urges will always be there. I feel like I won't have the opportunity to binge ever again if I get married, and the prospect of NEVER bingeing again is scary to me! I know it's sick, but I dread having to give up the ability to binge, and my nightly food habits, because I would be married! Right now, I know I can binge, or eat what I want/need to prevent the bingeing, and save up my calories for the evening to prevent bingeing. If I get married, I feel like I'll be white-knuckling it for the rest of my life, and I'll be resentful of my husband for keeping me from bingeing!

He has a normal relationship with food - he eats when he is hungry and stops when he is full, and he otherwise doesn't think about food at all. He knows I lost a lot of weight before I met him, and that am an emotional eater and struggle with using food for comfort. He doesn't know about the extent of my binges, and right now I would rather keep it that way, because I would be so embarrassed for him to find out, and I don't want to be self-conscious of eating in front of him.

If we get married, I will feel more restricted due to the fact that I'll no longer be living alone and eating what I want to, when I want to, to keep the bingeing urges away. For me, the key to not bingeing is to not feel restricted, and I would feel restricted if I lived with him and had to coordinate my eating habits with his. Sometimes, I save up my daily calories for treats (instead of healthy foods), and I don't think I could do this as often if he saw what I was doing. Also, I want to be able to binge if I want to, and I'm afraid I would be resentful of him for "getting in the way" of my desire to binge!!! Isn't that horrible!?!

How do you balance a relationship with your need to control your eating? Have you ever felt like you would rather keep your relationship with food than be in a relationship with a person? I know it is terrible, but that is how I am feeling recently!!

It sounds like you might benefit from some one-on-one counseling. It's very sad to choose food over human contact and indicative of some addiction problems.

I agree, counseling is very useful for those who binge eat. I found it to be an important step for me.

I'm going to have to second what QuilterinVA said... I sometimes have days when I'm hurrying DH out the door to work so I can binge, but whenever I can't binge because he might see, I'm ALWAYS thankful later, because I hate the "aftermath" of when I do sneak in a binge. I would never resent him for "not allowing" me to binge... Firstly because if I want to eat something, he's not going to MAKE me stop. And second- To be honest, I've mega over-eaten with him right there and when I cry about it later he hadn't even noticed that my snacking was out of control. when he DOES ask, "will eating _______ make you sad later?" it makes me at least stop and think. If the answer is no, I eat it and he doesn't care. If its yes, I usually stop and put it away. Being married is totally helpful for me.

I DO sometimes save calories for treats or big dinners, my DH knows that I count calories and knows that I'm in charge of what I eat. If I make something for dinner that he doesn't want, then he can make his own food and I have leftovers for lunch or something. It totally works out.

Also, my DH knows that I have struggles with food, and is as helpful and understanding as he can be. Now- he doesn't know about EVERY binge I've had and doesn't really understand because he has no issues with food, but he loves me and does what he can to make my life easier. Open communication about it has been EXTREMELY helpful for me.

It sounds like you've got at least a year to try to sort out your own issues with food, but maybe being open with him about it could help too?

Best of luck.

DoingMyBest79 - I'm actually somewhere in between where you and Danzingurl77 are; I have been with my guy for just over 2 years, and we just got married last week!

He and I have been living in separate states for the last year and when we were living in the same state we didn't share a residence. We stayed at eachother's homes frequently, but never really lived together.

He knows that I used to have some "issues" with food, but I don't think he realizes to what extent. I used to be a serious binge eater, and while I'm not "recovered" and probably never will be fully, I do much better and the binges are less frequent. My binges were entirely as a result of personal struggles I was having, and now that I'm happy again they have diminished over time. All that was prior to meeting my guy, and I think the last time I had a real binge where I felt out of control and like it wasn't a choice was in May (when I was under a ton of stress and he and I were apart).

For the past couple of years, when I do eat way too many calories it's usually a conscious decision and I rarely feel guilty about it because it's on a vacation/special occasion... and my Hubby is usually a part of that celebration. Still, I do eat way too much at times. Yes, there is nothing wrong with dinner out somewhere, but do I really NEED to have drinks, appetizers, dinner and dessert? No... I don't. I eat that way in front of my husband, and while it's a lot of food, I don't feel embarassed about it because I don't feel like he's judging me for it.

I don't think that would necessarily be the case if he ever saw me full-out binge though. As I said, I haven't had an uncontrolled binge in a relatively long time, but it's more a matter of semantics; to me a binge is that "OMG I have to eat NOW" feeling and then you just zone out and keep eating and eating and eating... On the other hand, "overeating" to me is when I make the conscious decision to eat a pint of ice cream, bag of chips, etc. even when I'm not hungry just because I WANT the food. I am fully aware of what I'm doing and just don't care enough at that moment to resist the cravings. Generally I don't have any trouble getting right back on track the next day and it doesn't hurt my maintenance efforts/fitness goals to any significant degree, so I don't stress over it. My hubby thinks it's actually funny how much I can eat at times.

All that being said, overeating like that is something I generally do alone. It's not so much that I hide it (because my hubbs has seen me sit on the sofa and overeat like that) but to be honest, I would have been more comfortable if he weren't there. When I have really BINGED in the past, it has always been while I was by myself.

I can hardly wait until this time next year when I will move to his state and we can FINALLY have our life together. I hope that the binges really are behind me for good, but I also think that if they aren't, living with my husband might even prevent me from doing it.

I see overeating as a completely normal thing; we all do it on Thanksgiving, Christmas, 4th of July, birthday parties... it's just a part of being human - we eat for reasons OTHER than hunger at times! No big deal! While my husband's relationship with food is also "normal" in that he eats when he's hungry and stops when he isn't, even he will order cheesecake at the end of a meal just because it sounds good, even though he's full.

Anyway, I'm just sort of rambling now, but my point is that perhaps living with your guy/getting married to him will be a good thing for you. Opening up to him about your struggles may help to keep you on track, and just the act of admitting to it and coming out of the binge closet could help you to begin to get it under control.

In any case, I think that most people who have disordered eating prefer to be alone with their disease, which is essentially what you are saying. Letting someone else in on that is scary, but it can be a huge help. You may not be ready to tell him now, but I would highly recommend you talk to him about some of your obstacles with food before you get married. That is a lot of baggage to carry into a relationship, and you owe it to your partner not to keep secrets like that from them.

Good luck!

I have shoved a visiting boyfriend or friend out the door so I can binge a couple times, but thankfully those occasions are rare. Other posters have made some really valuable contributions to this thread - lots of solid advice! It's a huge change going from eating meals alone on your own time to sharing them with someone else. I'm not sure how I'd feel about that, either.

Why would having a husband or being married mean you couldn't budget calories for ice cream or whatever? I think that's something that is "normal" or "socially acceptable" to do every so often. If someone says "I'm gonna have a light lunch and dinner so I can get a brownie sundae" I don't think many people would think of that as out of the ordinary or disordered thinking. Chances are one or both of you will be working during days so I'm not sure why you wouldn't be able to continue eating the way you do (I do that too - it's 2 PM and I haven't eaten yet!) - it sounds like you've been pretty open with him about your struggles with food and he seems to be understanding of it.

Another point that Krampus reminded me of is that just because you move in with someone does not mean that you have to suddenly eat the same foods and make your meals together.

When my husband and I visit each other, we mostly eat like we normally do; I will make what I want to eat and I will ask him if he would like me to make him some too. If he doesn't want what I'm having, he makes his own food. He's a grown-***-man and feeds himself just fine without me every day. Just because we are in the same house for a week or so doesn't change that fact.

It's nice to eat together, but not necessary. Really, if we are eating a meal at the same time it's not even necessary to eat the same thing or the same portion while we dine together... it's the togetherness that matters.

Thanks so much, everyone, for the words of advice. Lots of great advice!!!

You helped me see that I need to be more open with him and lay out my concerns -- it's not fair to him to not tell him exactly what he's getting into with me. I will give him more details of exactly how much I have been struggling with eating. I know that it will not be a deal-breaker for him (we love each other too much). On the contrary, he would probably be very hurt if he found out later that I had knowingly withheld this information from him. I did tell him that I struggle with my eating every single day and it's something that I will always struggle with. But I haven't gone into details about bingeing and eating 4,000-5,000 calories in a day. I realize that I need to tell him. It would be very unfair to not tell him, and it could create problems down the road (not because he wouldn't be supportive, but because he would be hurt that I purposely hid this from him).

Thanks also for pointing out that I don't have to suddenly eat the same foods as him and make our meals together, just because we would be living together. This is my first real relationship (despite being 32 years old!) and I just don't know what the "norm" is.

Krampus - thanks for the bit about what is "normal" and "socially acceptable" to do. I definitely do not have a normal relationship with food, so I need someone to tell me what is normal!

Thanks again, everyone!

I think you are a very wise woman to think of these things before a possible marriage, few do!

Yes, our rituals are routines are centered around ourselves when we live alone and it does change when we live with someone else. When I married, after many years of being alone, I lost about 25 pounds just because we ate three meals together and he was into healthy eating, I followed along. eventually the binge monster roared and I started to sneak eat, usually bingeing at work (I had a private office). I hated doing it, and it soon got out of hand. I gained over 50 pounds on top of already being obese! About the time I went on my major diet, he started overeating and gaining rapidly. It took awhile, but at least we are now on the same page, working together instead of individually on our weight and health.

It has really helped us to be open and honest about what triggers us, how we can come up with solutions that work and to be supportive without playing Mommy roles or act like the diet police with each other. We give gentle and loving nudges to improve when we slip and listen to the other when the day has been rough and so on. Practice nurturing now....openness and honesty really bring wonderful returns to a marriage.

But yes...these feelings and fears are quite real and it is wise to recognize that and see if you can find solutions now, rather than fear what will come of them in marriage.

I would like to throw my 2 cents in here.

I had an eating disorder for years (binge eating/anorexia) and I would keep every friend/boyfriend I had at arm's length so they did not discover my secret. I binged in secret when I was binge eating, and I also hated eating in front of others when I was anorexic because I didn't want to be tempted to eat any of their "bad" foods while I was sticking to my "virtuous/good" foods. (Obviously, I was very sick-- Have since received extensive help through counseling, OA meetings, and I am healthy today, thank god) ... I never told any of my friends or boyfriends that this was going on.

My current husband figured it out on his own. When we were dating he didn't buy into my flimsy excuses about why I didn't/couldn't eat with him, ETC, and he knew something was up. He asked me about it and I confessed that I had an eating disorder. I didn't reveal everything to him right away, I only told him what I was comfortable with in the beginning. It was frightening, believe me I understand how you feel!

We have been together now for 2 years and he knows everything about me.... He has been SUCH a big source of support.... And I would not have recovered without him because he helps keep me accountable if I am under-eating or over-eating. He doesn't ask me what I eat every day or keep track or anything like that. But if he seems me going back for multiple helpings of ice cream or something, he will ask me if I am actually hungry or not. It makes me re-consider second helpings if I am NOT truly hungry and am just getting into a binge.

Tell him, I promise I know it's hard, but if he is the right one for you, he will understand and love you just the same.....

I think we should be careful about pathologizing what seem like normal feelings to me. IMO, the OP is simply being honest about what many of us have thought at one time or another. We want relationships, but we also want freedom, and sometimes these two objectives work against each other.

To the OP: being married doesn't mean you're with your DH 24/7. I've been married twice, the first time to a very controlling man, and that didn't prevent me from overeating or binging. Also, it's important for you to feel relaxed and free in your DH's company. If you can't be yourself when you're together, it's a problem.

F.

I agree with ravensglen 3, he could be an huge source of support.
I've had an eating disorder (bulimia) for 15 years, although I consider myself recovered now. I've been with my boyfriend for several years and told him about 6 months in. He is incredibly supportive and can help me keep my binging or restricting in check. He has made me more "normal" about food, for instance the other day I wanted to eat popcorn for dinner and he was like "popcorn is a snack, lets go for sushi".

Secondly, the happier I've become in my relationship the less I've felt like I needed to lean on my eating disorder for support..because I have him to lean on.

Hugs

Lisa

I eat very similarly to th OP. I only eat once per day due to some medical and addiction issues, so my boyfriend and I are on completely opposite eating schedules.

He knows that. He knows I also count calories. He reminds me to stay on plan, cuz it works for me. But I also know I have the final say in what goes in my body or not.

I love having the live in support. And on the meals issue. My boyfriend and I work opposite shifts, so I just cook what I want, and he gets leftovers if he wants them..