Grief and binging
 

I have lost a family member that I loved very much. for the past month, I sat in the hospital room watching her die and the only way i could keep sane was to become extremely obsessive with my diet. I lost over 4kg in 3 weeks! I used to focus on things like what to wear the next day, how to do my hair, what to wear to the funural and then count my calories and weigh my lettuce etc. Now that she has has passed away, I have gone crazy with the binging. I hurt so much and I cant understand how at the hospital I had so much control and now I am so out of control. Its like there is a giant hole inside me and i eat and eat and eat to the point where I physically hurt but i just eat some more. I never used to eat like this even in my worst days! I even ate cooking chocolate today and I bought a cheese burger from McDonald's and I ate the entire thing in less than 30 seconds. I didnt even taste it because i wasnt chewing. I ate half a jar of a nutella and the only reason I only ate the half was because it was only half full. I was dipping stale crackers and shoving them in my mouth so fast I nearly chocked. I feel awful and sad and so scared that I will gain all the weight back and i feel guilty because I shouldnt be thinking about this anyway at a time like this and yet I cant stop! I am obsessed with eating. Everytime someone mentions the funural I have to eat something and I dont know how to get back on track. Also the more sugar I eat (and I am eating SOOOO much sugar), the more depressed and on edge I get. Does anyone have any idea how I can control this? have you been through a similar situation and stayed on diet?

Here's another thread about the same situation. Perhaps you can get some suggestions there.

First of all , realize that the the two methods of eating are connected.

You were restricting yourself and being "good" while your loved one was alive, you also felt her health condition was out of your control and you were taking back control by being restrictive.

When she died, everything spun out of control, and you associated her being alive with being restrictive. Now, she's dead, and the only thing you know how to do is binge.

This could be tied to the bargaining stage of grief. Many people believe if they do something "good", their loved one's fate may be changed. When it doesn't happen they get angry.

I believe you are in the angry stage of grief, and you are punishing yourself. You are self destructive right now. Instead of eating, write about the flood of feelings you are getting from thinking or hearing about the funeral, or remembering how you ate when she was dying, and how you feel about your sense of self now.

I recently dealt with my best friend's 2 year old girl suddenly dying of Leukemia. I went through a complete binge fest and gained back ALOT of the weight I had worked so hard to lose. Don't make the same mistake.

I pray for healing and comfort in your time of grief.

Have you sought out a grief counselor? I can totally sympathize with you and how you're feeling right now, and JenDiet made some great points as well. I think getting your feelings out with someone who is trained and qualified to help might do wonders.

I think getting some help with healthy grieving would help. For those of us with eating/overeating issues who binge after a loss, its the same as a sober alcoholic going on a bender after a loss. We self destruct and go back to the poison that has always been there for us.

The big thing is let yourself feel the pain, and do not let yourself feel any shame about the binging.

Jendiets points about the stages of grief are very real. I think you should research those at the very least. They will help you understand what you are going through and hopefully help you regain control. I'm so sorry for your loss. :(