Well, I got to come home yesterday, and I'm so happy to be out of that office! I immediately feel empowered and those struggles I started to have with food shouldn't be an issue anymore. When I'm at home I can go get a pedicure, take a nap, or go shopping when I'm bored and feeling binge-y. That place was starting to suck out my soul... it was so depressing there!

Now I get to look forward to having fun cooking up my meals again (I was living in a hotel and was having to reheat all of my pre-prepared meals at work each day which gets really old), working out in my own gym, and getting some TLC! Tomorrow I get a long over due manicure and pedicure and then on Thursday I get a nice long massage.

I feel so much happier!

jendiet im really glad you might have found the issue, and really glad that your interviews are going well.

JossFit sooo glad you're back at home in your own gym and pampering!! you definitely deserve it. seems like life is all... i would say gravy. but i guess just plain mustard is healthier. so , life is mustard? ha ha

today was good. i went for a little run (trying c25k, AGAIN). had an interview. mixed feelings , BUT I WANT THIS POSITION!!!, no yoga. but eating is good (so far, although i am getting hungry. )

i am considering joining a gym, along with the yoga, and the running, but i might just be getting ahead of myself, since the working out is clearly not the issue, the food thing is.

why is food so difficult?

stimkovs, when I want to binge, I ask myself "What's really going on?" And it's usually something else that's bothering me. Then I have to get busy doing something else I like to distract me. Hope this helps

yes, joss, it is a good thing that I am coming to terms with it. I hate being angry or bitter. I try pray through those feelings and get back to being at peace.

well, I didn't eat particularly well. I didn't binge, but I also didn't try to eat a balanced menu. I had healthy oatmeal cookies that I kept turning to for food.

this was different than I need them for comfort. I needed food, and I was too tired to get anything else. Yes, that is possible. I have been just sheer exhausted today and dragging myself around.

I made dinner and went to my interview and cleaned up a little, but that is all I could squeeze out today.

I hope tomorrow is better. I plan on getting some things done around here.

Mmmm mustard... :) Yes, I'm much MUCH happier being at home.

You're right, working out isn't the issue, but it helps. I know that there have been a few times that I thought about the hard work I just did at the gym, or the awesome workout I have planned for the morning, and it's kept me from making bad food choices. It also gives you a place to go get out of the house and away from your mom (I know she gets to you sometimes) and a place to meet some new people! It won't solve your issues with food, but it might help.

What is c25k, by the way?

She actually has a good grasp on why, but unfortunately a lot of the issues aren't things that she can control or get away from.

I was having a hard time at the end of April until about a week or so ago because I was in a place that I couldn't get away from that was giving me some serious trouble trying to eat right. Sometimes it's hard, even when you know WHY you're doing it because you're stuck! :)

joss, i am so glad you are home and out of that stifling environment. I agree when my friend's daughter died, and I lost her friendship because we had no common ground anymore--It didn't stop me from eating 3 icecream bars in a row, or going to the store and buying junk food just so I could eat it. I knew I was in pain, I knew why, but NOTHING else was helping. And the food was so soothing. biochemically it was very soothing to my adrenal glands to get all that fat and sugar. If you know about the manufacture of stress hormones it requires alot of this. it still was not right or healthy for me. A simple walk around the block would have been much better. Too much exercise would have brought on the need for more stress hormones.

stim, I agree it is hard. Hang in there.

today is day one of my low carb days, and I am having trouble eating. What?? did you hear me right. Yes, I am so completely turned off by food, the thought of eating protein makes me want to hurl. I am very stressed out. I GOT THE JOB. I am now stressed about the changes.

Since I am forcing myself to do low carb today, NOTHING looks appealing. .I ate 2 eggs, and 4 pieces of bacon and a cup of tea earlier, and before I took a nap I managed some turkey slices with avocado and some pecans.

I am going to cook dinner, and not talk myself into eating anything more than what I desire.

I also am not going to bounce to stress eating. Which I could easily do, because I'm not hungry.

I am going to slice some cucumbers and have that for a treat.

Well this new "challenge" is going well for me, and not much of a challenge thankfully! :D

I know I keep saying it, but I'm so happy to be home, and it's making things so much easier in terms of staying on track. I had been preparing all of my meals to take to work each day the night prior, and reheating them all at work. It wasn't bad, but I didn't realize until just now how tired I was of eating the same stuff day after day reheated like that.

I just made a simple dinner - the sort of thing I was eating while I was away the last 3 months; A bag of steamables broccoli and califlour, chicken breast, salsa and avocado. I didn't realize how much reheating it was affecting the flavor and texture and how much less I was enjoying it! My meal just now was perfect! Crispy veggies, tender juicy chicken, cold and refreshing fresh salsa and avocado... I enjoyed every bite.

It's not hard to eat healthy when you can cook it up and enjoy it right then!

LOL I know this is silly, but I just had to share. :) I'm loving being able to eat my food while it's perfectly fresh and to be able to play around with my meals a bit again.

i think fresh food is way better than stale pre-prepared food, joss.

I'm glad you enjoyed your meal better.

So, apparently I was still just tired, because when I woke up after a few sips of coffee, I got hungry. I had some pecans, and some turkey slices with mayo and avocado.

i made sauteed fish and peppers, spinach, and brown rice. I get to enjoy the spinach and peppers and fish, but they get the brown rice.

well, I did fine avoiding SO yesterday, but when he and I got in the same room my tongue became a sparkler. I know I said things meant to hurt him. I'm sorry about it. But, at the same time, I feel he is never going to become the person I need him to be, and I will be left feeling like a single working mom all over again.

That would be fine with me, but I am supposed to have a partner, and I still feel alone. I resent that he makes me feel that way.

I tried to tell him his drinking was out of hand, and he complained that I didn't want him to have friends. It says alot when your friends count more to you than your family. Or maybe he doesn't think of us as family. I feel like this is a boarding house for him most of the time.

I know other women have been where I am. It feels just like your man is cheating on you. He comes home late, he is in no hurry to spend time with you, you feel like you are competing with someone else for his time and attention. You feel ugly, unappreciated, like if you did things better or looked better maybe he would be home more. You try extra hard to get his attention, and then when that doesn't work you say "screw it!" and do nothing. You don't want to cook or clean for him, then you are afraid if you don't he'll go back to his "mistress". I hate feeling like his friends are "mistresses". But that is how I feel. It would be fine if it was every other day, but it's EVERY blessed day, and he brings them to the house, and then I have to see him having more fun with them than me and the kids. . .and it's heartbreaking and maddening.

His priorities look like this:

1. Work
2. Beer
3. Friends
4. yard work
5. the baby
6. Me and James.

I had an interesting occurrence last night, I asked for some boiled peanuts. He was like "if they have some". He brought some home to me, and I sat in my bedroom watching lifetime and eating the peanuts. They were good, I only wanted a few of them, but the more I ate the angrier I got. I finished them off, and went out to the kitchen. he was in there, that is when I thanked him for the peanuts than proceeded to pour out my heart through my tongue. At first, I tried to beat around the bush, but he didn't get it, he just winked at me, which infuriated me! so I really lashed into him about his problematic ways and told him to try harder!

Then he went to bed, and I layed down with him and nursed the baby, then I told him the deep things. I told him I was angry at him because I felt it was his fault I had to leave the baby...I still love him but I am having alot of conflicting emotions about going to work and leaving the baby.

I like this idea. I'm new to the site, or at least to participating in it, and this is my third day of not eating refined sugar or bread/flour. It has been hard. I tend to want to binge on bread and chocolate in the evenings when I am bored and lonely...and sometimes sad. It's definitely comfort eating. Last night was difficult. I thought my boyfriend was going to come over, then he changed his mind to hang out with some friends of his. Soooo...I REALLY wanted to run out and get some chocolate (to replace him? lol). Instead I told myself I could have as much natural peanut butter as I wanted. That's the closest thing to comfort food for me that I can think of. I definitely overdid it on the peanut butter because it is loaded with fat, but at least I didn't go out and gorge on chocolate and bagels! I felt good about that this morning.

Jendiet, I'd just like to say that I recognize what you are feeling! I was so surprised to read it. I'm a single mom now, but when I was with my ex husband, I felt alone, but trapped in some vacant relationship. Now, I hope the same thing isn't happening with my current boyfriend. We are pretty serious but he does tend to want to hang out at the brewery most nights of the week. :( I guess we'll see.

On a different note, it's nice to be able to post here when I feel that crazy urge. It's so hard to ignore! Maybe after 21 days it will be easier, but for now, I just gotta make it through tonight.

yeah, lefty, I like to replace SO with some dark chocolate chips on some nights.

relationships are just tricky. I pray we can keep our SO's out of the "breweries"
(every house around here in redneckville is a brewery).

well, my two days of sensible low carb days are over, back to regular sensible eating. I have a new low today of 193.8 so I am motivated to not binge.

Congrats on the new low! :carrot:

i am sorry for being MIA, but it's been a weird week. the yoga is good, the eating could be better.

c25k is couch to 5 k. it is an interval running program, to be completed in 9 weeks, so you gradually end up your running distances. running has always been a little bit of a sore spot for me, i so badly wish i was a runner, so maybe one day with determination, i will be one.

also, i bought tickets to a big music festival in tennessee months ago, thought they were going to fall through (it's a 16 hr drive for us to get over there!!) and came to grips with having to sell the ticket. then found a friend who wants to make the trip out there with me which is SUPER exciting. also a good motivator for the next week or so, since it's going to be deathly hot, we will be camping, and lots of very small articles of clothing will be worn.

nobody wants to be bloated in the heat!!

i have also noticed a general downward trend.
if i dont record my weight every day, and do it just on mondays as i have been doing in the recent past, the scale is coming back down. it might not be as fast as i would like it- but it is still decreasing.

also, i have noticed an unfortunate little body quirk. when i binge, since the "worst" food i binge on is cheese or butter, but everything is still CLEAN eating, excess calories +workouts, i am bulking. my body is very weird, i something feel like it reacts better to the "masculine" weight loss, and training techniques as opposed to the "feminine " ones, so i do bulk quite easily, but my tummy is getting tighter, and i am developing more muscle.

i just don't really know what else i can do to "lean out" more, as opposed to build more muscle.