But I haven't gotten to a place of being ready for that yet.

I have secrets I need to let go of.
This is not easy to type out or think about but I need to get it out.

I lost about 50 pounds by calorie counting. Around 1000 to 1200 calories a day and jogging over the last year. I was fine for a while and then something cracked in me.

I began to eat huge amounts of food and then to avoid gaining weight I discovered chewing and spitting and purging.
As I sit here my face is so puffy and red from vomiting that I don't recognize myself. Last month alone I spent nearly 500 dollars on food that I did not actually eat. My body hurts. My weight has been fluctuating in a 10-12 pound range and I have stopped weighing myself because last time I did the number was just too high.
No amount of food satisfies me and I am constantly searching for the next thing I can eat. People jokingly mention how much "food I put down" and I shake my head knowing that I can eat 5 large restaurant meals, easily.
I can't explain the missing food to my husband and get excited when he leaves for work because it means I can find food and chew/spit it or throw it up.
If there is a carb of any kind anywhere near me I will eat it, even if I don't like it.
Today I made a special trip to the dollar store to get food for a binge. I spent 26 dollars- so 26 things. I then sat home alone on this beautiful day and chewed and spit (and ate) until my mouth and jaws were too sore to continue.
My shirt is covered in random food parts and I have two buckets of chewed food that I now need to dispose of.

This is not beautiful. This is not who I ever thought I would be.
I can't believe I am so out of control.

Thanks for letting me vent. Just writing this out has helped.
I know I need to find help and I will, but this is enough for right now.

I am so so sorry you are going through this. I'm a compulsive binger, but I rarely ever purged (though sadly, yes, I tried). I can't imagine the agony, mental and physical, you are going through right now. It sounds like, maybe, you mentally "snapped" because you were depriving yourself too much - I'm not sure, it's just a thought. I know that the more I cut back myself, the stronger the desire to binge and the easier it is for me lose control. I do WW online and I manually up my points each week, and since I started doing that, I have been much less prone to binge.

I will say...you really do need to get yourself some help. Without dealing with the emotional issues underlying your eating disorder, it won't matter how thin you get, you will still have an eating disorder and you'll still be miserable.

You know it's an issue. You wouldn't have posted here unless you knew what people would say. Please, get help now. Find a fantastic therapist and don't stop until you find one, don't settle for someone mediocre that you do not feel 100% comfortable with. Dealing with this now will be easier than dealing with it in 6 months or 6 years.

Good luck to you.

You have taken the first step by coming here and telling us. You want to stop this and we want you to stop, too. You know what you need to do.Find a therapist or talk to your doctor as soon as possible google for support groups do anything you can but get started and I wish you the best of luck. Please let us know that you have gotten help and how you are progressing.

I'm really sorry you're going through this; it sounds awful. I can't even imagine.

You do need to find help as soon as you possibly can. I know you feel like you're not ready, and that's completely understandable, but there are extremely serious health risks related to what you are doing (the purging, if that is indeed what you're doing). Damage which may not be reversible if you don't address the problems in time. Purging food places severe strain upon your body: your heart, in particular. You may also find yourself with dental problems and/or or stomach and throat ulcers.

I'm not saying any of this to scare you, only because I am worried about you. I hope you find the strength to go and seek help because you deserve it. No one should be going through what you're going through right now.

This may be a somewhat radical approach, but it may end up helping to break the chewing and spitting/purging habit, and eventually the binging; what if you just didn't allow yourself to get rid of the food after you eat it? It might sound crazy, but perhaps the fullness you'd feel after a binge and NOT being able to rid your body of it would take away your "easy" way of not gaining weight, and make you stop.

I'm just going out on a limb, but from personal experience. I have had my fare share of binges over the years, and have purged probably 50% of those times. Of the times I DIDN'T purge, I didn't binge again for a long time. Dealing with the bloating, gas, tight pants, nausea and general worry about gaining all that weight kept me from doing it again. The times that I purged however, I would generally just keep on eating (sometimes binging and purging for days) until I eventually got tired of it.

Fortunately I rarely binge anymore, and have learned to live a much more moderate life (though I do overeat from time to time) - but during the height of it I think that it was NOT allowing myself to purge that really made me start to see the consequences of my actions.

Not only that of course, but having a raw throat, cheeks that feel like hamburger from accidentally biting them during a purge, swollen lymph nodes in my throat and a bloated puffy face didn't exactly make me feel much better.

In any case, I do hope that you continue to reach out and talk about it, if only here at first. I know it's scary to think about seeing someone, but realize that what you are doing is DANGEROUS and you need to stop immediately.

Dear Kaala, all of us feel your pain and your dispair. The year you spent losing weight with such low calorie intake and so much pysical activity and now the time you spend eating/purging seem to be covering up for deep-rooted unhappiness. I think that yes, you need therapy, but consider that it is not enough to stop eating/purging, but it is necessary to find out the reason/s that make you do that. Disorders are symptoms that something else, apart from the eating, is not right. Sometimes we do not go to therapy because we do not want to learn about those reasons... Be brave and face them. The sooner you do it, the sooner you will start to make progress towards a healthier life.
Good luck!!!!